Dog bite inhibition and recovery

This past weekend I attended a 3-day dog seminar by one of the dog gurus of positive reinforcement.  As he would say his ideas are not new, but he has re-popularized them.  Several years ago this dog guru was going to retire from lecturing but decided to come back, mainly because he felt the state of dog training was going in a downward direction, ahem, with some people only believing things they were seeing on television.  Thus, the last couple of years or so, he has been lecturing worldwide again which many of us, especially those of us who are fairly young in this industry, are delighted in seeing.

I've heard this speaker before and have seen him at conferences, but this was the first I'd seen in this type of format.  Truly, it was a great seminar with a lot of information and better clarity as to why his specific method works.  I felt really inspired.

There was one thing that was especially interesting to me and related to eating disorders and recovery.  He was specifically talking about behavioral consults with owners.  The consults could be a variety of topics, but one of the most that not only he has seen but many of us are dogs who bite.  He allows the owner to give the history of their dogs--the how, why, when, where, triggers, etc. for the dog bites.  But for him, there are only two critical pieces of information:  1) Is the dog dangerous? and 2) Did the dog/person have to go to the vet/hospital?

The rest of the information, you could say fills out the story, but these are the defining criteria.  It doesn't really matter that the dog bit when this, this, and this (triggers we could say) happened, because all it means is there is still a problem.  Even if the dog has a predisposition (maybe wired to have anxiety) to biting or has a medical condition, or whatever, the whole point is that it never fully developed what we call good bite inhibition (meaning they know how to control their mouths and are less likely to bite you, a kid, another dog, animal, etc.).  

So where am I going with this?  It's a bit two-fold here.  First, many of us, professionals included, have a tendency to talk about the past a lot (and certainly there is a place and time for that).  There becomes a tendency to get lost in the details but a failure to truly look at what to do now and learn how to resolve the problem.  For example, we can say, well, this triggered me, so that was why I didn't do x, y, or z.  But the thing is that that we have to stop looking at that "trigger" as I hate to put it this way but an excuse at times.

Perhaps, I view this differently from others, because I'm in a different place now; or maybe I got tired of looking at the past (there is only so much sulking, feeling ashamed, feeling guilty, etc. that one can do) or triggers or whatever and wanted to figure out how to help myself in the here and now.  

Secondly, there are a lot of us who walk around in "functional" modes.  This would actually equate to the most dangerous type of dog--the dog who is well socialized but has poor bite inhibition.  An example he gave us was a dog who was a therapy dog.  The dog (a Golden Retriever by the way) was about to retire and was going on one last therapy trip with another handler, not the owner.  The handler accidentally slammed the dog's tail in the door, and the dog redirected and bit her arm multiple times, sending her to the hospital.

With the "functional" ED person, we are well liked, do well at our jobs/school, take care of our family, go to social event, etc. but then do poorly at taking care of ourselves--to the point of physically and mentally wearing ourselves down to just a stub of nothing.

Now, I don't think there is necessarily a denial problem, but there is a kind of recovery lapse here. I certainly raise my hand to this.  I've been there and done that, thinking well, this, this, and this isn't happening, so it's not a problem, it's not a big deal.  But it IS a big deal.  Each moment we stop ourselves from a a certain meal, a fun event, a social event, a time with our families, a time with friends, a memory-making trip, we are depriving ourselves of something.

Anyway, I do not know if this analogy will make sense to people, but the whole notion of even though there is x, y, and z that happens, there is ultimately still a problem.  And that is something we have to remember at times when we become complacent with ourselves.  For those of us who may be stuck in the past and in the details, we have to continue to look forward and not backward.  Andi n each of these processes, it is of course baby steps along the way. 

Ok Go video

In case you have not seen this dog video yet, it is great. This video is impressive in that it was shot on one take with no editing. But more than that, it wasn't about perfection, but more that these dogs were having fun, something we all need to do.

Why we wait

The last few days I've been thinking about the question of why we wait to get treatment.  This question surfaced when a client e-mailed telling us she would not be in class this past week.  Her e-mail had said she had a family emergency where her "bad" dog almost tried to kill her "sweet" dog. From other details of the e-mail, this assessment would be about right since the injured dog wound up in a neuro ICU at an emergency vet clinic for four days and now needs constant care.

A., my boss, and I had discussed this client before.  She had not asked about private consultations, but we knew it sounded like she could benefit from them.  She lives with 5 or 6 German Shepherds, at least 1 or 2 of them have to remain separate from the rest, and the most recent GSD, her son's dog, has dog reactivity issues.  The latter had gotten in a dog fight several weeks prior to class, and her husband got bit.  Our assessment was that either something awful and traumatic would happen before immediate action would take place, she was in denial there was a real problem, or possibly her husband did not want to do private training due to time, cost, or only wanting to use a heavy hand so to speak (we run into this frequently)

Now, I'm not just pointing out this specific client, because we run into problem all the time.  In fact, ask any dog trainer, and most will say that a good 75% of their cases are related to fear and aggression.  Many times, people wait until there is a real problem where major damage has been done, instead of looking at all the warning signs that have been shown.  Sometimes, people do not even know what the potential signs are, so it is vital to continue education.

I think this entire thinking is very similar to eating disorders and other illnesses.  We often wait until we have a major break down before getting help.  Whether it is denial, validation purposes, or whatever, we wait.  We wait until it's almost too late, until the problem is acutely, visibly seen, until our bodies and mind begin shutting down from starvation, purging, compulsive exercise, etc.

In other instances, people still have the notion that this is just a phase for the ED sufferer, that the person will just snap out of it, that all they need to do is eat, and all will be better.  Other times, people fear the stigma of having a mental illness or that they don't deserve help.  Meanwhile, no treatment is done at all, therefore, the problem which might have been caught early has now escalated and snowballed into months and years of an eating disorder.  

This is certainly not to say that sometimes efforts are made by both the sufferer and other family members/friends and either treatment is denied/unaffordable or the sufferer refuses, but here, I'm focusing on the whole concept of waiting until things go from just awry to bad to worse to traumatic.

In some ways, it almost seems like human nature. Whether it is a dog's behavior, an ED or another illness, 

having some major trauma, break down episode forces us to see and realize things are not hunky dory.  It's sad that most times this is what it takes to get our attention. Imagine if we all took more of a proactive stance?  With dogs, there would be less dog behavior problems.  With those with EDs, more would get help earlier on and not fall into years and years of misery.

I have to say that with recovery, I've gotten to a point where it is easier for me to be more proactive than I used to be.  Therefore, I have less chance of falling into a deep, dark pit of despair.  It's not easy to change this type of thinking, but in the end, your life may be worth it.

Slight meltdown

The last few days have been a bit rough. It cumulated in a mini breakdown yesterday with me being teary over a lesson I just never seem to grasp fully--being less self-critical of myself and continuing to blame myself for the problem.

Here's the background information. Work has been busy. We had to delay our opening due to some issues out of our control with the building. Though some of our clients have been a little upset with us and are eager for the facility to open, I still have a lot of work to do with powerpoints and documents. This is on top of the already more than dozen or so documents I've come up with since November for basic policies and procedures. Anyone doing this type of work knows that it is a time consuming process, and when it is just one person, it can feel overwhelming at times. We have another office person, but her tasks are different than mine.

So suffice to say, I think I have been a little stressed in general which just escalated any nuance of a problem. On Monday, we had our photos taken for the new website. I knew about this for a week, but was dreading it. Part of this was due to my face looking more round and chunkier. It also seemed that every time I looked in the mirror, a new zit popped up which left me with caking more cover up than usual.

The photo shoot itself went okay. The photographer is a client of my boss's whom she is very fond with. This was my first time meeting this guy, and I was not that impressed. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that I just need to know him better, but there is some hesitancy as my boss would like to bring him on board with us at the facility.

Afterwards, we let their two Aussies meet Tovah. Now, Tovah does great with dogs once she has met them. Over the last few months, she has become more barky and aroused when meeting other dogs. She doesn't do anything to them, but there is definitely an uncertainty. After several minutes, she settles, and either the dogs play, or they just kind of coexist on fine terms. I've begun working on this issue with her, but it still distresses me like any owner with a dog issue problem.

And it just seemed heightened with these two Aussies and this owner. One of the Aussies was very friendly, came to everyone. She is a certified therapy dog. The other Aussie was stand offish and the guy just kept showing off all his tricks with her. He made a comment that the dogs didn't know what to do with Tovah's barking and were uncomfortable.

I probably should not have but I took it a bit personal. Then, yesterday my boss (I think I've been calling her A.) wants to discuss a new policy we are placing when the doors open with a "no barking" policy. She's said this from the get go, so I knew she wanted to instill this (it's doable but can be difficult too), but again, I took it personal. Logically, I know it wasn't, and A. reiterated that, but I felt upset by it.

It's one of those issues where you have put a lot of worked and invested in a dog and you want them to be the best possible (not saying perfect here). I've tried to ensure that she was incredibly socialized to many different things, so this barking issue feels like a failure to me, like somehow I should have nipped it in the bud right when I saw it. Her barking is in no way horrible, I've seen much worse, it's just my standard in a sense that I would rather her not do this when meeting other dogs, especially if I want her to be able to do other social things in life where dogs are involved.

A. reminded me that if I had gotten Tovah yesterday, I'd see the issue differently, like this was a problem to work on and would have had a training plan in place already. While this is likely true, it feels different when it is a dog you have raised from puppyhood. There is a feeling of how can I not blame myself?

But that's just the thing. No matter how much you may have worked on raising and training a dog, doing everything to a T, it does not guarantee that something will arise to cause a problem. It's just like someone with an eating disorder history who has a child and has tried their darnest to prevent their child from developing an eating disorder. They may do all the right things in not talking about weight, physical appearance, not dieting, giving lots of positive feedback to their child for their achievements, help their child develop a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence and still their child may wind up with an eating disorder. There's a lot of factors there, both in genetics and environment (in this case outside forces). All we can do is our best in prevention and if an ED arises to address it and work through it.

I know this but have a hard time putting it together when it comes to my own dogs. A. told me that I was probably the only person she knew you took something personal so personal, meaning how much I self-criticized myself for it. She, herself, a percfectionist understands this.

Though I left logically knowing all this, I still felt lousy, cried in my car, etc. Parts of me feel really stupid that I'm upset over something like this, but just like I've told many people, including bloggers, I am human and have feelings and need to stop criticizing myself for that. It's always hard to follow your own advice though.

If you have not read Tovah's story, you can do so here and here. At some point, I''ll have links to tags, so it'll be easier to just click that link.

A decade in review

As 2009 draws to a close, it's just occurred to me that we are ending a chapter in history with this decade. Some are calling this the worst decade ever, while others feel the opposite. I think it's a cumulation of both, but certainly for Generation Y'ers, (born late 1970s-mid 1990s), it's been quite a ride for many.

So here's a brief list of what we've seen in this decade:

9/11 and the rise in terrorism
Iraq and Afghanistan wars
Tsunamis in Asia with horribly high death tolls
Hurricane Katrina
Major financial and housing crisis, recession
Issue of global warming brought to the forefront
First US African-American President
Heightened airport security
Prominence of China everywhere
All of the political scandals and nuances of the Capitol

Human genome project and the significance of the role of DNA in a variety of disorders
Stem cell research emergence
Gene therapy promises
Rise in alternative medicine, organic foods and yoga movement

Rise in social media and networking, including twitter, facebook, myspace, and blogging that changed the way we communicate
Introduction to ipods, blackberries, and iphones which also led to increase in texting and yes sexting as well
Wikipedia, youtube, and google

Introduction to Harry Potter!
Shows Sopranos, Lost, Law and Order series, The Office, 30 Rock, and many others reigned
Reality tv took off with a variety of shows and unforgettable characters
Many prominent deaths, probably death of Michael Jackson will be most highlighted

I know this just scratches the surface, but it gives a good picture of the good, bad, the ugly, and how it has all affected us in one way or another.

Now, as for me, the decade has been a teachable one with many defeats, triumphs, and most of all self growth.

10 years ago, I was a lonely, depressed, burnt out, sophomore in college who further learned how much the eating disorder was affecting my life.
10 years ago, I got my first puppy as my own, Baxter, and started my first therapy stint in college with C. I learned that raising a puppy was tough and at times therapy even harder.
10 years ago, I was diagnosed with hepatitis B, had a biopsy, and began treatment. I learned the complex, confusing system of hepatitis B and how it can severely affect your body and mind.

9 years ago, I started my job at the kennel and began obedience with Baxter. I learned what possibilities there were with Baxter if I kept a good head of patience.

8 years ago, I did a 4-month treatment course of interferon (horrible!) and had a brief taste of what recovery was like.

7 years ago, I had non-epileptic seizures which forced me to take a medical leave of absence from college. I learned that I had much anxiety about the future, and that it was not going away anytime soon.
7 years ago, I graduated from college and had no clue what to do with my life. I learned it was really not the end of the world, something at the time I thought about.
7 years ago, I began on a path towards learning about animal behavior and becoming a trainer. I learned I was actually good at this and it could possibly be a goal for the future.

6 years ago, ED relapsed back into my life, and I thought I'd never get better; began therapy with new therapist, K.
6 years ago, I gave Hank, my Aussie X, a home after briefly being a psychiatric service dog and living in the kennel for over a year. From him, I learned about letting go of expectations in my dogs.
6 years ago, I learned that not everything was my fault

5 years ago, I learned that people were not always as they seemed

4 years ago, I adopted Daphne, my deaf white Boxer, at first a foster who became permanent. I learned a whole new language and challenged my training skills through her deafness.

3 years ago, I seroconverted and no longer carried any hepatitis B signs clinically speaking. I learned this holy grail was actually possible despite having been a chronic carrier for so long.

2 years ago, I ended therapy with K, began this blog, and decided to really put forth a true effort in recovery.

1.5 years ago, I ran my first marathon and did a second. I learned the ability and strength of my body.
1.5 years ago, I finally began making real strides in recovery and began therapy again with C. working on tough issues.

1 year ago, I found Tovah and gave her a home. I re-learned the difficulty of raising a puppy, but learned from my mistakes with Baxter.

2 months ago, I got up in front of 100s of people and did laughter yoga (this was a big thing for me!) I learned that it was possible for me to be a bit outgoing if I stopped worrying so much about what other people thought.
1.5 months ago, I bought my first house, moved to a new area, and changed jobs. I learned that though this was/is all a scary process and transition, I could endure it.

23 days ago, I learned about letting go and saying good-bye to a dear companion. I learned that my heart could be broken, but that I could be mended.
0 days ago, I learned that recovery is still reachable for me, and that I'm actually beginning to have some belief in that.

I don't know what the next decade will bring. I don't like to think in large time spans, as I know life can always throw curve balls, and it won't necessarily be what you dreamed or hoped. I don't do resolutions but instead, I like to think about the small goals I can make. Each success of a small goal makes an impact, giving me a little more self-esteem in the long run. It reminds me that deep within, there lies strength, courage, and a continued hope for a better tomorrow.

So what is your decade in review (or year)? What have you learned? What do you hope to do or learn?

Lastly, I hope for each of you, the next year and decade in coming brings about a renewed sense of hope, a ray of happiness and stability, health, and peace within yourself. Here's to 2010!

Note--*I thank all of you for your support and comments. I hope this blog has been just as helpful to you as it has been to me.

That little red light

A few days ago, I bought a blackberry. It was a belated birthday gift from my mother. I would have gotten it two months ago, but I was too busy doing my maximizing versus satisficing thinking. The choices were between an iphone or blackberry, but it boiled down to not wanting to switch phone carriers.

So far, I'm having a marvelous time learning about the phone. They sales guy at the Verizon store was very helpful in giving me the nuts and bolts on its functionality (and there are many). Did I also mention that every time I walk into the Verizon store, there are hot guys there? I'm beginning to wonder if they are actually making appearance a requirement (sad but probably partly true to some extent).

Anyway, the sales guy set up my e-mail accounts and said whenever I had a flashing red light, it indicated there was a new message.

I didn't think too much of this until I was at work and suddenly, the little red light flashed. Yes, indeed, I did have e-mails. This was cool I thought. A few minutes later, it flashed again. Again, I checked it. It did this periodically the rest of the afternoon, so by the time I got home, I already knew all of my new e-mails.

What I realized was 1) how addictive I am to e-mail and 2) I had developed a conditioned reinforcer! While it's true that phones flash lights indicating voice messages or missed calls, it doesn't feel the same as the one on the blackberry for me.

So what are conditioned reinforcers? If you're familiar with psychology (think going back to all those Pavlovian studies), you'll understand how strong a conditioned reinforcer can be.

Here's a basic definition from uiowa psychology: A conditioned reinforcer is a previously neutral stimulus . If the neutral stimulus is paired with a primary reinforcer it acquires the same reinforcement properties associated with the primary reinforcer.

Throughout life, we develop our own conditioned reinforcers. For many, money is a conditioned reinforcer. We learn the functions and rewards of money (to buy food, clothing, merchandise, etc.), but money in and of itself is just paper. Getting good grades, a bonus at a job, etc. could be other C.Rs if they are paired with receiving positive rewards that are reinforcing to you.

Another example in the post with the baby birds was when Tovah barked, and the birds opened their mouths, expecting food. In nature, the mothers will whistle when it is feeding time, so the birds learn to open their mouths. It is a conditioned response but was favorable in reinforcement of food.

In my line of work with dogs, I'm always looking for reinforcers--what's valuable to dogs. Since I use clicker training frequently, the primary reinforcers could be food, toys, praise, etc. all depending on the dog. The actual clicker (photo on left is an iclick) not only marks the correct behavior for the animal, but it also signifies that a reward is on its way. In some cases, the clicker also tells the animal that the behavior has ended. Thus, the clicker acts as a "bridge." In training marine animals, a whistle would be the equivalent of the clicker.

So, this flashing red light is like a "bridge" for me, telling me I have new e-mail messages which I find reinforcing.

This made me think about eating disorders and conditioned reinforcers. A lot of people don't like to think about how negative or destructive behaviors can be reinforcing, but they can be. The difference is that they are more on a subconscious level (well sometimes conscious too depending on the thought processes at the time) with more complexity.

One conditioned reinforcer I can think of off the top of my head is a scale. A scale is a neutral stimulus in general, but it can add a different meaning when someone steps on it. If someone is in the throes of an ED, and the number drops, then there is reinforcement from the number to continue to lower the weight through
ED behaviors. Thus, it can be a CR if that is the positive association. Now, obviously a scale can easily have a conditioned negative response as well if it says the opposite of what someone wants.

On that note, what are some other conditioned reinforcers related to your ED? What are your little red lights in your daily life non-ED related? Do you find them powerful?

Note--*Just want to say that this post is about behavior and not about biology. It's a known fact that biology, malnutrition , starvation all play a role in decision making and our behaviors. However, I hope you are able to look more closely at your specific behaviors and piece them together for awareness purposes.

*If you're interested in learning about different types of reinforcement, more info. can be found here.

*Lastly, how come blogger does not recognize the word "reinforcer" as a real word? It keeps highlighting it as misspelled.

Lesson of the day

Warning: Tooting a horn tonight

Tonight was graduation day for the puppy class which Tovah attended. There is awlays a fear that your dog will decide to embarrass you on graduation day. I've seen it happen many times before, even with my own dogs. I wasn't sure what would happen with Tovah but hoped as long as I remained calm and did not get stressed, she'd do well. She surpassed my expectations, performed all three of her tricks, and did beautiful down maintains (stay) with many distractions. I could not be more proud of her. At such a young age, 5 1/2 months, she has grown leaps and bounds and will only improve as she learns more.

Lesson of the day: Never underestimate your dog nor yourself.

Cracked plates

I finished Handle with Care the other day. I didn't expect the book to end quite the way it did but my assumptions were correct in how the book was written. Overall, it was a good read and raised interesting points in a variety of issues. It really gives me more respect with those with OI and what their families have to go through both emotionally and financially.

There were two quotes which stuck out for me the most in the book. I'm only going to discuss one here and post the other one at a later time.

At the end of the book, Charlotte says: "Things that break--be they bones, hearts, promises--can be put back together but will never really be whole."

This reminds me a lot about the cracked plate analogy someone once told me. Actually, I've been wanting to post this for awhile but I could not find a cracked plate image, and I wasn't about to break a plate to just photograph. However, ironically, a few weeks ago, my favorite bowl broke. So that image will have to suffice, and then you can be at your own devices to think about a cracked plate if you want. ;-)

At the time I heard the cracked plate analogy, it was in reference to a dog. She had had trauma in her life which was irreparable. Though the owner did her best to help the dog overcome her trauma, and had successful management, it became too much for the dog. The dog continually tried to hold it together, but in the end, the pressure of the crack was too much to bear.

I think about this with myself and so many others. We all have cracks no doubt which leave indelible scars. We all try hard to put on a facade that everything is okay, that our cracked plates are really together. When in fact, they could break at any moment. Then, we are left with the shattered pieces, repairing ourselves which will never truly be the same.

I think about this type of thing a lot, because I think about "wholeness"--how I want to desperately be whole. Maybe I'm just chasing an illusion that will never be there. Maybe I'm tired of just repairing my cracked plate, just lying to myself that it can be the same, different, be something other than what it is.

Related post: succession of a nut

Reminding myself of compassion

Today, my mom called around noon, an odd time for her to call on a weekday. I'm weird this way and notice patterns in people, like the fact that she is even calling me means something is up--invariably it's bad news. Yep, I was right.

She was in tears, because one of her cavaliers died this morning. She had taken Fergie to the vet two days ago. Labs were run and it was conclusive she had diabetes. Then, she got a call this morning saying Fergie died in her sleep, that they just couldn't get her glucose levels under control and she had other damage to her kidneys.

Like most of us do, my mom blamed herself--that she wasn't aware which dog it was that was drinking so much water (there were 4 cavaliers and 1 chow mix plus two cats), that she should have gotten her there faster, that she should have gone to visit the night before but wasn't able to, that somehow she should have known.

All I could do was what is natural to me--to console, to comfort, to tell her how sorry I was, to let her know that Fergie was in a better place, that she wasn't in pain long, that Fergie knew how grateful she was for rescuing her, that she had people who loved and care for her. Still though, words never feel like enough when someone is distraught and in pain. I can only imagine my own suffering when my dogs pass.

I called her in the evening to check up on her. She thanked me and told me she would be okay. I know she will be, but she will be fraught with worry since four of the other dogs are the same age. I hate to see her worried. It's probably one reason why I have kept so many of my thoughts private from her.

**********

I think about how easy it is to nurture, console, and feel compassion for someone else (humans and animals alike), however, when it comes to myself or people actually caring about me, it's like I'm really not allowed that. The image I always have with this particular issue is Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel. The fingers are there reaching out, and if only I could grasp it completely, fully.

Sometimes, I wonder where I have gotten this notion. Where and when did I set this rule for myself? I doubt I'll ever know the answer, so all I can do is remind myself of certain things:

Rules can be broken.
Sometimes, it's even good to break rules.
Compassion for others and oneself is allowed and needed.

**********

On a side note, my mom said something interesting to me. She said last night she woke up at 2 AM and was wide awake. Although she discounted this thought, she wondered whether that might have been the time Fergie passed away. I told her this was a very likely scenario. I don't know whether she believed me or not, but I've always believed that animals have a wonderful sense of telling us things. And in this case, it was Fergie's way of telling her she was leaving this earth and going to the Rainbow Bridge where all animals go.

My reminder of the importance of fat

Full set here

This is my reminder of the importance of fat in a diet. Yes, I know it seems really cheesy, but for someone who was fat-phobic for years (okay still is to a degree but working on it), I need to be reminded.

Tovah is a growing puppy (current weight 30 pounds) and fat in her diet is important. Although dogs' digestive systems are built differently from humans, primarily in that they have a much shorter digestive tract (one reason why they eliminate faster), the role of fat still plays a major role in their diet.

Like humans, fat in a dog's diet helps with cell structure and function, provides a healthy coat and skin, gives insulation and protection of internal organs, supplies and accesses energy, acts as a carrier for fat-soluble vitamins, and nourishes the brain for development. Without fat, a puppy doesn't grow properly nor a human develop appropriately.

I know this all consciously, yet still, I have to think hard about adding fat to either Tovah's diet or my own. It's not a natural thing. I have to resist throwing away the chicken and turkey skin which provides wonderful fat for a puppy. I have to be aware of increasing her fat at important times of her growth, especially if I want all those neural connections to be working properly and efficiently. In essence, it's been a challenge in the way I've had to think. But of course, I'm going to do the best for her as possible.

Now, I only wish I'd follow suit and think similarly for myself. Don't get me wrong, I do eat fat and much more than I used to, but I still have my hang-ups about it and have a long way to go. I really don't know if I will ever "embrace" fat, but I think if I can get to the point of continually challenging myself to the functions of fat, maybe fat can have a more positive spin for me.

*Side note: This also led me to think about how fat got such a bad rap and connotation. I came across this article in the New York Post about diet and fat and its misconceptions. The thing I found interesting about it was that Ancel Keys, yes the same Keys who was famous for the Minnesota starvation study, was convinced of the correlation between heart disease and fat consumption. Thus, the thinking of how a lower fat diet is better for heart health and otherwise was born and continues on even today.

*Note: All my dogs are fed properly and get appropriate amounts of nutrients in their diets. Just thought I'd should throw that in.

Boo-boos and motherhood

As the photo tells, this foot is wrapped. Names have been excluded to protect doggie identities. The said doggie wouldn't want anyone knowing she has a boo-boo and is now wearing this turquoise bandage. But then again, maybe it's considered chic, and she'll learn to think it's cool and hip, and all her other doggie friends will want one too?

Kidding aside, this is obviously little Tovah's paw. Unfortunately, the wrap job is crappy but try holding a moving puppy in one hand, while attempting to stop the bleeding with the other by use of a towel. Then, opening the hydrogen peroxide bottle to clean the wound, putting EMT gel (great stuff) on the wound, and then having to use your teeth to rip the vet wrap. This is of course while still holding the said moving puppy who is not at all happy about this.

Then, I realize this vet wrap has no chance of staying on, so I add a few pieces of tape which more or less has somewhat kept the wrap from completely falling off. So far, she hasn't managed to tear the entire thing off, but that's only after attempting to wear her out with fetching and squeaking lots of toys! I'm hoping the wound will be sealed in 24 hours, and I can redo the wrap. This time, it'll be a lot better since I now have an idea of how she is in this type of situation.

So what exactly happened you may ask?

Honestly, I'm not sure. I let all the dogs out when I got home in the afternoon. Suddenly, I heard a yelp from her but thought one of the other dogs had run her over. I don't notice any blood until I see Daphne (my white Boxer) with a streak on her back. I look around and then see splotches of blood in the snow. I sort of turn panicky here, trying to figure out which dog is bleeding. I finally discover it is Tovah. Apparently, something sliced the heel of her pad on her front left foot. I have no clue what it was other than something sharp. Nothing was found in the yard when I checked.

It's funny, these situations really make you feel like a mother, even if it is just to a four-legged furry friend. You hope to mend the wound, not worry about it or her too much, and let her go on playing as if nothing happened. Yet, still, you keep a watchful eye as all mothers do.

*Of course, this was only a minor incident. If the injury would have been worse, then there would have been no playing but bed rest.

Capacity to love

I was just thinking about something my mother said to me during my sobfest yesterday. It is not a secret that I have a hard time with allowing emotions fully, feeling validated in many areas of my life, and am a typical minimizer about situations. I made the comment that my anguish over losing Tovah was similar to when I lost MyGurl, another dog whom I thought I was keeping, several years ago. However, with MyGurl, I had her for four months, so it felt validated to me. I only had Tovah for two in a half weeks, so my sadness didn't completely feel justified.

However, my mother said, "No Tiptoe, what it shows is your capacity to love."

I reiterated, "well, at least with animals. And I probably cry more over the loss of an animal than a human."

This is very true indeed. It seems easier to love an animal versus a human sometimes. Animals don't necessarily talk back at you, judge you, or abuse you like a human can. I guess it is my hope that I can love or find love similar to how I feel about an animal with an actual human being, aside from family and already established friends. I realize it may never be the same, but I know my capacity is there. It's about allowing myself to be open to it which is often a scary place.

Some things have a happy ending

I thought I'd give a quick report to what happened to Tovah. After talking with my mom about it last night, she suggested I talk to the guy again and see about geting her back. I wasn't sure about this since it seemed like the cards had already been dealt. However, I thought giving it one last effort would be a good thing and at least make me feel like I'd tried my best.

I went down this afternoon when I knew the guy would be back from work. I saw little Tovah standing there in the driveway in the rain! I was so so sad for her. I picked her up and knocked on the door and asked to talk to the guy. I told him how I attached I was to her, and he said how he saw that last night and how he hated to take her from me. In the end, he let me have her and just asked that his boys could see her every so often which I said was completely fine. He knew she was going to a good home, better than what he could have provided. I also offered to help him find another dog that would suit his lifestyle better if he wanted.

By the way, they have three puppies from the same litter, and the litter was originally a dump off in a cardboard box a kid was carrying in another county!

So here's the lesson I've learned:
Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want, even when you are unsure of what will happen.

So little Tovah is now mine! You all don't know how happy this makes me feel. My eyes will now not be damp with tears of sadness but tears of joy.

Thank you for all your support.

Light bulb moments

image: stock.xchng
We just started a new set of dog obedience classes, and it's really quite interesting to see what dogs will be there. There is always a vast variety--even the little puppies have developed their own personalities. There are the very social butterflies who think each and every dog should be their playmate, the bold, assertive dogs who don't worry about anyone in their way (much of the time, these are the small dogs who think they are ten feet tall and bullet proof), the shy, anxious wall flower dogs who do not want to leave their owners at all, the fearful dogs who want to just defend themselves (that's usually with barking and using their teeth), and the dogs who already come in with some form of "baggage" (many tend to be rescues but not all). The remarkable thing is that a good number of these dogs will have what we call "light bulb" moments. These are the moments when you see their little wheels turning in their heads, and the dog really thinks, "so this is what got me the reward!." It's such a fun and astonishing thing to watch.

In Tuesday's class, this point was made very relevant. There was a Boxer mix who apparently was a bit fearful after some occurrences at the dog park. One of the exercises in the class was "touch." We taught her to touch to our fingers, then to an object, specifically a cone. At first, she had no idea what she was getting rewarded for. But after several "clicks" (a click marks the behavior that that is what we want the dog to do), she was beginning to get the idea. Soon after, we changed the criteria so that she only got clicked for touching the top of the cone. Again, she was getting it.

We removed the cone, and then presented it later to see if she would remember. Again, she kind of looked at it, trying to figure out what got her the reward, and then, suddenly, there was the "light bulb," the aha moment, and she touched the top of the cone. The look on the dog's face was almost giddy-like. She was just so proud of herself for figuring it out. The owners too were very impressed with her learning, but really all dogs do have their light bulb moments.

So, this reminded me of several things. One, how I wish we had light bulb moments that came so easily like a dog's. Two, why even if we do have these light bulb moments, we still don't necessarily "get" it. Three, can we have different variabilities of the light bulb? Four, what makes some of us realize the light bulb moments while others of us take longer.

But then again, maybe we're all waiting too long for the light bulb moment? Maybe it's already there, but just needs to be turned on or some of us just have it dimly lit? I don't know if this will make sense to people, but it's something interesting to think about nonetheless.

Sometimes situations are unpredictable

Let's face it, life is unpredictable at times. I think for many of us, we like familiarity, comfort, predictability. I mean we are humans and considered creatures of habit. However, sometimes, we need this unpredictability--to test out the waters, see what happens, think on our feet. In the end, what matters is how we react to that given situation, and from there, we hopefully learn and grow.

A few days ago, my boss asked me if I would bring my dog, Daphne, to orientation. Orientation is the first class of our dog obedience classes. We require puppy and beginner class attendees to come get an introduction about dog training, learn about the method of training we use, ask questions, etc. This is the one class we do not allow their dogs but instead used "demo" dogs. In the six years that I've been assisting with classes, this is the first time my boss has ever asked me to bring my own dogs. Before it was always my former roommate's dogs, another trainer's dogs, or a client's dogs. I guess there was a sense of "feeling left out." So naturally, I jumped at this chance, wanting to prove something, though I'm not sure what that was exactly.
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These types of events, even though I enjoy them, there is always a sense of wanting everything to go perfectly, your dog to be "perfect." Okay, of course I should know by now that situations aren't perfect nor are dogs or humans. But still, there is a sense that "you are the dog trainer" (words I've heard many times before), your dog should be perfect, you should know how to handle every situation, etc. I won't lie, I used to have this notion as well before I really knew a lot about dog behavior. I would think how could another dog trainer's dog not get along with other dogs? It reminded me of the old saying how the "shoemaker's children never get shoes."

Therefore, just like a college student, I crammed obedience cues into Daphne's head, hoping the information would be obtained. The nice thing with dogs is this doesn't take that much amount of time, and they have good long term memory even when they decide to use selective hearing or in Daphne's case just give me this dumbfounded look. Don't get me wrong, Daphne is trained, but we just needed to freshen up a bit. Even dog trainers don't train everyday. ;-P

I admit, I was slightly nervous but for the most part I was relaxed. During the first 45 minutes, Daphne did really well. She did all the behaviors I asked of her with a nice smile on her face. It wasn't until we did an interaction game with the new dog handlers that she got concerned and began barking at several people. I was a little surprised by all this, because I had not seen her do this behavior. There was a moment of definite worry and some embarrassment. However, I reminded myself to stay calm, think about my dog, not the people, and get her re-focused. I was successful with this, and a few minutes later, she did the same exercise with everyone in the group, even the ones she originally barked at. There was a sigh of relief.

Upon thinking about the whole situation some more, I realized what concerned her. For one, she had never been in a room with 25+ people. She actually handled that okay, it was just when they moved, that she became worried. One woman whom she barked at took off her scarf which alarmed her. We wound up letting her see the scarf, put it on her, etc. She accepted this, and eventually stopped barking at the woman who did nicely be continuously smiling at her.

What this experience reminded me of was the unpredictability factor. Since I had not seen Daphne bark at other people like that, I had no reason to believe she would behave that way. What was important, however, was that I did not allow myself to get flustered and stressed, something I've been known to do when something is not going as planned. I made it a point to keep myself calm which allowed Daphne to settle as well. I thought through what I needed to do as well as how the other people should react. In the end, it was a successful night, and we were both worn out.

Now that I know Daphne may react like this when there is a crowd of people, it's something to work on. I know this setting was a little stressful for her, but I still managed to set her up for success. And in dog training, we don't see this enough with dog handlers which only results in dogs feeling frustrated, upset, and stressed.

I think this is something we should try to remember for ourselves when we are in situations of unpredictability. Our life is dependent on our reactions. It's not always an easy thing to remember, especially when in a state of worry, fear, anger, panic, but trying to focus on the positive, on the success of that situation, is what will help us learn, gain perspective, and feel confident.

"Voice of reason"

A month or so ago, I wrote a post about rational thinking versus emotional thinking. This week, I came across another example of it. The situation is similar to the post, but this time, it's not a client's dog but a family member's dog.

A few weeks ago, my dad called me and told me that Claude, their 12 year old shih tzu-poo was not doing well. He had an upper respiratory infection which later turned into bronchitis. Then early this week, they took him to the vet where the vet noticed some bumps on his neck. She wanted to check it out since there were a number of possibilities. It could be as simple as an enlarged lymph node to something worse, like cancer.

The official biopsy isn't back yet, but by mid-week, it looked to be some form of cancer. They decided to go ahead and start chemo and prednisone. The vet had said if the chemo was going to work, she thought it would work quickly, though she gave no indication to that time frame which left my dad and D., his wife, a bit puzzled.

Then, I received a phone call early Friday morning from D. I could tell she was very upset by her phone message. I dreaded the news since these early morning calls usually have a grim undertone. She said Claude had a rough night, and she didn't know what to do. She had thought about euthanizing him that day but couldn't do it. (I was thinking at this point, whoa, this is moving kind of fast here. I didn't say that though). I told her that it does take a little time for the medications to work and to give them a chance. I also said, "let's not make a rash decision here." I briefly spoke to my dad, since D. was sobbing by this point.

My dad said the vet thought it was "lymphoblastic," a rare form of cancer. So that afternoon, I did a little research to find out about this type of cancer. It basically depends on the exact diagnosis as there are several different forms with differing prognoses.

I called them this afternoon to see how Claude was. They said he was a little better--eating and drinking and had a few of his normal characteristics but had another rough night. D. said my dad told her he thought that "this was the day" which got her upset all over again. (Really, I couldn't believe he said that to her and did tell him that that only upset D. more and wasn't helpful to the situation.) I reiterated to both of them to hang on through the weekend, go to the appt. on Monday, talk to the oncologist, and just get all the information first before making a decision. D. thanked me for being there and being a "voice of reason."

This is a tough situation. Ultimately, we all know that Claude's days are numbered. My gut feeling is that since there are tumors in his lungs, the cancer metastatized. I'm not sure which type of cancer he has, whether it is indeed a form of lymphoblastic lymphoma or leukemia or hemangiosarcoma. Either way, the odds are not favorable for him.

I know both of them do not want Claude to suffer, but at the same time, so many emotions are flying around. I know it is easy for me, as an objective viewer, to tell them to do this, this, and this. I'm not in the thick of the moment, clouded by emotions However, I had a few fears. One was that my dad would pressure D. into making a decision. Claude is really her dog, so the decision should be hers. Two, I didn't think making a decision while upset was wise. Three, I was fearful that if she had made the decision to put him to sleep, she might regret it without knowing all the facts. This type of decision doesn't have a reversal. Once it's done, it's over. There are no electric shock paddles to bring the dog back to life. It's final.

The interesting thing about this conversation was I found myself getting very upset at the thought that they might euthanize Claude without having all the information, talking to the vet, or at least giving treatment a try. I wanted to scream into the phone, "what are you thinking?" But instead, I recognized this and knew my emotions were getting the best of me and quickly calmed down. They both called me the "voice of reason," but I don't know if it so much that or just the fact that this is how I react to this type of situation. It's important for me to have all the information, and then make a decision from there. Even when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a number of years ago or my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer and melanoma, this was my demeanor. Some might say that I react this way not to let myself express emotions outwardly. Maybe that's part of the reason, but I think it's more that I want to keep a sense of optimism but know reality too.

In this situation, I hope for all involved that the best decisions are made from both the head and heart.

Rational thinking versus emotional thinking

We all have people who can get under our skin or know how to push the right buttons to set us off. It can get to our emotions, causing us upset, maybe even triggering episodes of self-harm behaviors. For me, one of them is my father. I've talked about it before, but here's just another example of it.

On Saturday, I had returned his phone call from earlier in the day. We talked about the Olympics and other general things going on in our lives. I got on the topic of talking about this one dog at the kennel. I was telling him how I felt really sad for her. This dog is old--probably 12-13 years old, has several medical issues, has a huge tumor which is benign on her lower abdomen that affects her gait, smells (probably infection and the "sick" dog odor), and has horrible mats since her owners do not brush her. I know her quality of life cannot be great since she is merely existing. However, the owners continue to let her live this way.

For many of us, we don't like to see animals suffer and will try to prevent that. I no doubt did the best I could while she was at the kennel to make sure she was comfortable (cut out many of her mats) and took good care of her. It's always hard when there is a case like this, because I really do worry about the dog dying on my watch. The owners were aware that this could possibly happen and we have them sign something ahead of time for liability purposes. It's only been very few times it has ever happened, but when it did, these dogs were elderly and in poor health.

I told my dad about all this, and how I wish I could say something to the owners, but that in my position, it was really not right. I'm not a good friend of the owners nor did they ask me for my opinion, I'm just a caretaker for their dogs. He couldn't understand this. He said how someone needed to stand up for the dog since she can't talk herself. He then accused me of saying it was all about money, and that I really didn't care. He was disappointed that I was not going to say anything to the owners other than how she did at the kennel. He suggested I talk to the owners about at least brushing this dog. I told him that this isn't a new issue, they've been clients for over 6 years now, and they just never brush their dogs. Then, he said how they should be banned from the kennel. Umm hello, if we banned every client who did not brush their dog, well, that would be more than half our clients, seriously. It's not something people think about unless they have a dog that needs to be groomed, their dog is massively "blowing coat," shedding, or their is something wrong with their fur or skin.

The thing is that the owners know she is ill. I know their vet has told her she is on her last legs. I'm sure they have a hard time letting go, only thinking with their emotions and probably hope that she will just pass away in her sleep. These issues are hard for everyone, and everyone is affected.

At the end of the conversation, my dad and I "agreed to disagree." He changed the subject to something else, but the tension remained, and we wound up quickly ending the phone call. Right after, I talked to one of my friends. She's met my dad and knows how he is. Something she said however was really important. She said, "do you see how your dad is only acting by his emotions?" I knew this logically, but just hadn't quite put it together since I was still wrapped up in my own emotions.

This may be just a simple reminder, but it's really important for me. When I was in the throes of the eating disorder, this type of conversation would have thrown me into a full fledged b/p episode, leaving myself probably even more upset than when it had happened. Then, I'd just "punish" myself for even disagreeing and having the argument with him, especially since I avoid confrontation at all costs. I essentially allowed these disagreements and fights to put me over the edge. I allowed them to affect me instead of looking at things rationally.

There's no doubt that there are times and places to think both rationally and emotionally. Some of us have a tendency to only think either rationally or emotionally, and we have to learn to be able to balance the two types of thoughts. For me, whenever I'm making tough decisions, my emotions get in the way. I know the elements of the decision which are logical in nature but often have a hard time choosing that over what my emotions are. My good friend reminds me that sometimes I need to eliminate the emotions and just look at the bare minimum. It's not an easy feat, but the more I am able to let myself do this, the better equipped I am at handling the situation.

Although this disagreement is tough (I hate disappointing people), I'm letting it go. I spoke to my mom briefly about it today, and apparently my dad had already discussed the conversation with her, just going on and on about it. Fine, he can do that, but I know I acted professionally and appropriately and did not let my emotions cloud my rationality.

Confidence is hard for me, but in this particular case, I'm confident I made the right decision.