Nostalgia

This morning started out as any usual one--coffee, feed dogs/bunny, check e-mail, check facebook, debate on things to do today, figure out some semblance of a schedule, eat breakfast, etc. All the day's normal. Then, out of the blue, I received this in one of my e-mail boxes:

Hello Tiptoe, I wanted to thank you for the MOST beautiful card and note...Are you training dogs?Give a call if you come to the area!LOVE, CS

I left one sentence out for privacy reasons, but just this note alone made me surprised, happy, and weepy. So, who was this person? This was my first therapist, CS (this is different from C. my former therapist, whom I have talked about before in this blog) from when I was 16 years old. I saw her from that time up until I left for college. We've kept in touch off and on for the last 15 years. It helps that my mom lives in the same city, and at one point, the psychiatrist my mom saw was in the same building as CS's. I used to feel very awkward about this close proximity, but as time has passed, it no longer matters to me.

CS has always held a very special place in my heart. Besides the fact that she was my first therapist (she specialized in eating disorders and substance abuse), I think I was one of her early clients as well. I think part of why I have always held a deep fondness for her was, because I shared quite a lot with her than I had anyone else, and she did more things for me that probably nowadays many therapist would not do for keeping a strict patient/therapist boundary. For example, (and this was many years ago), but she came to my house when I cancelled my appt., saying I did not feel well when really, I had od'ed on a bunch of pills. Yeah, I'm not too proud of that moment. She called my mom, went to the hospital, and all the rest is history. Then, she once came when I was in a psych ward for adolescents, though she did tell them I had and ED and needed to be monitored. I was not in there for an ED at that time--more depression, suicidal tendencies. The only regret I had with her was that she did not push further for me to go into a higher level of care, (of course I was in denial about this at the time) something I think now could have turned me around faster, than oh 10 years later when I finally decided to actually truly try to recover.

Anyway, this brought back some nostalgia as I had not heard from her in a long time. I usually send holiday cards and try to touch base when I'm visiting my mom, but that is typically rare, more for logistical reasons than not enjoying the visits. In the early days, like 2-3 years after I stopped seeing her, occasionally, I'd get a surprise card from her. And it always touched me in the fact that she remembered me. But as time has gone by, and we've both moved on with our lives, we've also lost touch a bit, except for my holiday cards. This is actually the first time in years that I know her e-mail address! I don't think that was intentional, but I always tried to be respectful of therapists who did not want to have e-mail contact. Now, if I was seeing one, it would likely be one of my first questions to ask just so I'd know and not always be wondering.

Besides the fact that this post made me nostalgic and kind of weepy, I think it reminds me of the impact people make on our lives. All the long-term therapists I've had over the years have in one way or another made a difference to me. I've been fortunate that I haven't had to go through a slew of them to find ones that I connected with, whether that was as a therapist or other professional. And for that, I'm always thankful. This isn't to say that these are the only ones who have made impacts on my life, these are just people who I've shared much more of my personal life with.  And for that I'm really thankful they were there at that specific time in my life.  I just hope too that in my chosen profession I can make that much of a difference as well.

Do you have therapists that have made strong impacts on your life?  Do you keep in touch with them through letters, e-mails, etc.?

Showers and flowers

I was thinking today of the quote, "when it rains, it pours." Most people seem to say this when bad things happen.  There is a tendency for people  to relate to pouring rain with sadness.  There are only a few people I really know of that look at it differently--perhaps it is because their association with rain has always been pleasant and positive.  So I was trying to think of a way to have a positive spin to this time-old saying?

This is the one I came up with, "When it showers, it flowers."

I think this is a really good positive spin off.  What do you think?  It is what has been going through my head all day due to some interesting, exciting news.  Unfortunately, I cannot discuss it here fully, but those who have my personal e-mail can e-mail me if they want to know the details.

But here's what I will say, I'm taking a leap, a plunge into the unknown.  It's no doubt scary, stressful, and will be hard at the beginning.  But, I believe in myself enough to try.  I remind myself I have the skills to do it, the ability to be "different," and to be successful.

I realize I may not be feeling this in like a week or two, but I must go with what I feel right now.  Otherwise, I know I will never do it, and then only have regrets.  And who wants to live a life of regret or what ifs or what could have been?  None of us do, and none of us should have to.

Wish me luck!  When I am able, I will fill in more details.  I really do hate to leave all my beloved blog readers hanging, but this is sensitive stuff right now.

The week in review

For some reason, I feel like I've been MIA on here and in general online, well except, for facebook. :-P Actually since my last post, I've been a bit busy. Friday, I went to a day long dog seminar a few hours from here. It was about scent work and getting reliable behaviors. I've known the speaker for a few years now. It was really sweet, because when he saw me, he gave me a big hug! This seminar had both working and observer spots, and I had thought about bringing Tovah. However, my self doubts got in the way, and I thought she wouldn't be ready. She was actually right in the mix--some more experienced, others not. Oh well. I told the speaker I'd film myself and send it to him. I now have some stage fright though. :-/

The next day, I had an early morning run with the running group. We met with a few larger groups that day and had a kind of brunch afterwards. I was surprised to hear that some of my running buddies said their goal was to keep up with me. I am not that fast of a runner at all, and one girl had qualified for Boston a few years earlier. The run went well, but I made a few wrong turns and wound up running an extra 0.5 mile.

My mom and her husband were also here this weekend. They both enjoyed their time here and realized this was the first time in years that they fully got to spend time with me. Before, I was always working, so it was a nice change of pace.

The big things were shopping and setting up my Wii. My mother now has a new favorite consignment shop and shoe store. She had told me that we must visit these two stores whenever she visits. LOL

My mom's husband and I played Wii Bowling which was fun. I won one game, he won the other. I also tried my hand at the sword fighting game, the frisbee game, and the table tennis one. Sword fighting made me incredibly sore for the last two days, seriously! Frisbee, I am absolutely terrible at. It is obvious I could never have a frisbee catching dog, because I cannot throw frisbees. Table tennis, I wasn't too bad at. The archery one should be interesting.

Now, the other big adventure was that the dogs alerted me to something underneath the deck on Saturday night. Well, it looked to be a raccoon. They shooed it away to the shed at one point, then yesterday, it was found in the metal dog house. I was sort of amazed, because I had let Tovah out a few times and she did not bother it, thought she knew it was there. Hank, on the other hand, barked at it.

This raccoon appeared to be about 7 years old.

The raccoon was not too happy to be in there.

The trapper guy came yesterday to remove it. It looked like it was nesting. However, today, he said it might have had a disease as some of her organs/wounds looked to be rotting. She had an open wound on her neck from something. The trapper also said it looked liked she may have been shot. It was likely that she would have only lived a week anyway. So though I felt badly for her, I am glad it is gone for the dogs' sake. Raccoons can be vicious, and if they are sick, just their saliva alone can infect the other animal.

My mom and her husband are now gone, but my dad may be coming this weekend now. So no real down time if he decides to come. I'm waiting to hear about the temp job. I do not mind being flexible but I want to know for sure if I am doing this job or not. The hiring manager said not everyone would get the job. This would be a bit of a shame as I now have a lot of black professional looking clothes--most gotten at consignment shops.

So that's what I've been up to for the last week. Hope everyone else's week is off to a good start.

Sudden busyness

It is weird, I have not been that busy other than job stuff, but within the last two days, boom, it just got busy, a bit overwhelming, and complicated. Some of the stuff is just due to procrastination, like getting my taxes done. I am determined to do that this weekend. I have also put off watching some dvds that I've had for some time. However, since I'm going to a dog seminar next Friday, and the presenter is the one who is in the dvds, it would be helpful for me to watch them. The dvds accumulate to 12 hours, so it's a big chunk of time.

Those are the procrastination ones. Now, the other stuff just came out of the blue. I met with a temp agency this week for a position with Cirque du Soleil which is coming into town. Most of these jobs are hospitality type jobs which I honestly have no experience in, so I signed up for the one that seemed easy, straight forward, not a big problem--an usher. Though not glamorous by any means, it is something. It'll be for 2 1/2 weeks or so in mid-April to May. What I really thought would have been a fun job was to be a costume dresser, but I have zilcho sewing skills. I'd also be horribly afraid of screwing up a costume or something, so way too much pressure for me there. Still though, to be backstage, talking with the cast would have been so fun. In some ways, I hope this temporary job will be a way to network with others.

The downside of this is that I will have to buy more clothes. If you remember awhile back I had to buy khaki pants for work which I wound up not using since the dress code got changed to jeans. Although it is nice to have khaki pants for various occasions, I would have only bought 1 pair versus 3. The dress code for this temporary job is all black, including socks. I have 1 pair of black pants and a few black hose type socks, and that's it. Typically, I do not wear much black due to dog hair magnetism. Despite keeping lint brushes around, it is never possible to remove all the dog hair. And Tovah and Hank are blowing coat, so black is not a helpful color to be wearing.

Therefore, I will have to buy black pants, tops, and shoes (I have a pair of black, but they have a heel) by Wednesday's dress rehearsal. Really, I'm not looking forward to it. Not because of body image insecurities (yay me!), but rather because it takes a lot of time and money that I'd rather spend elsewhere. At least there are some decent outlets around here, so I'll be going there first.

The other issue is that I had already signed up for a specific dog seminar that will be in town in May. However, it coincides with the temporary job position. I think I've found a way to work this out, so I'm crossing my fingers it will work.

The rest is neverending with job stuff, laundry, cleaning, reading, working with the dogs, meeting with the running group, appointments with the dentist and dermatologist this month, etc. And for some reason, this entire week, I've had headaches which is really odd. Headaches are very atypical for me, so I'm hoping it is just a weather thing.

All in all though, I'd rather be somewhat busy than have nothing at all. But I do think I'm going to need to start scheduling myself better and getting up earlier. :sigh:

Reality sets back in

I'm officially back in reality mode.  The trip was a nice break from having to think too much, be in crappy weather, and just to take a rest.  Yesterday was my birthday.  Truly, I did nothing and was in a bit of a bitter/dumpy type mood.  I realize this was my choice, so really I have  nothing to complain about.

My original plans had been a dinner date with a new match guy.  We had coffee last week, and it went well.  He had offered to take me out to dinner for my birthday but then never mentioned it over the course of this past week.  As is par for the course job stuff came up, and he pulled out his business card, saying he could help me with my resume.  This guy works for the state but his love is writing, and he has been published in a number of venues, mostly writing entertainment and review pieces.  But still, I thought it was nice that he offered and was not charging me anything.

I sent him my resume, and he basically shredded it apart.  This has nothing to really do with constructive criticism, because I can take that.  It has to do more with not feeling very confident in myself nor knowing what I want to do exactly.  There are jobs out there, but I feel qualified for nothing other than animal-related since I have been doing that for the last 10 years.  My problem lies in that the "contract" I signed holds me at bay from doing anything remotely similar to my previous job.  This makes it difficult to find work.  It makes me seriously think about going back to school, but I worry about financial costs.

On the same token, having all this free time, I thought about attending some dog seminars.  There were a few that were at great prices, but then my dad made me feel all guilty about that since my first priority is obviously finding a job.

Today, reality has really sunk in, and I'm feeling very bummed about everything.  There have been a number of moments where I felt like collapsing into a puddle of tears.  In some ways, I feel like I have no right to complain as so many people around the country are in the same predicament and some for a lot longer than a mere three weeks.  It's just hard to apply for jobs  and know the only thing you can do is wait. 

Visiting the beach--Rehashing the trip part 2

As I mentioned before, I am not much of a beach girl.  I like the sand, the waves, the breeze, the pretty sunsets, the various animal life, but I do not enjoy being or swimming in the ocean.  Luckily, I didn't have to do the latter, just walk along the beach.  It was a cool, breezy day, but nice overall.  We took all the dogs--my dad's and Tovah.  This was the first time for everyone. Bella and Tovah were off leash (first time for both in a public area like this), but Leroy and Daisy were on leash since they do not have good recalls, especially Leroy.

 

Bella, Leroy, and Tovah enjoyed it. 

 

 

Daisy, however, looked like this at beginning heading back towards the car.  But by the end of the hour, she was trotting nicely along Bella.

It was very bizarre, but we found all these starfish washed up on shore.  They appeared dead, though some still moved.  There were many and 

                                                      some stacked upon each other.

 

We also ran into this lovely Borzoi named Yetti.  He absolutely loved me and just kept rubbing his entire wet self on me.  The dogs had a lot of fun with him.  Here they are doing a  group smell, 

                                                     then playing.

 Tovah had the most energy of all of them as evident by this video of her playing in the water.

She also liked to visit the people.

I'll close with some of my favorite photos from this day.

Oh how I miss the sunshine already--Rehashing the trip part 1

I'm finally getting around to posting about my trip. I got in late Tuesday night and was exhausted. It did not help that for the last 3 hours of my trip, it rained. Then, poor Tovah was acting strangely in the car. I couldn't figure out if she was thirsty, hungry, or what. Well, despite having stopped to pee on the last 1 1/2 hours of our trip, she apparently had to really poop. Unfortunately, it was too late, and she made a mess on the cover of the seat. Luckily, that is washable. Tovah never has accidents, so I know she was horrified. She sat huddled in a ball the rest of the way home, not trying to touch any part of excrement. Bad mommy, bad trainer.

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day recuperating, though I did have an evening dental appt. which did not result well for me. My bridge on the upper right part of my mouth is barely holding on and will need to be replaced (no purging in several years with one exception), I have 3 cavities, and a possible infection under the bridge. I know this has resulted from my horrible inconsistency with flossing. For whatever reason, I am terrible at remembering. I go back in a month for the rest of the cleaning and to fill in the cavities. I always wonder what dental hygienists and dentists think when they see my teeth. Are they horrified? Do they wonder how that could have happened at my fairly young age? They never ask though, it's typically me saying something, though I have not with this dentist whom I've only seen once.

Like I said before, the trip itself went really well. Sitting and driving for 32 hours in a span of 6 days was challenging. My record with long distance driving has not always fared well. It was more just getting through it and not having much memory of it. These days, I handle it much better. I have to attest recovery, more sleep, and having a gps for that. Although the gps did kep wanting me to take this one road to my friend's place in FL. My friend warned me it would do this, and if I went that way, I would get stuck in the sand! I almost did leaving her place but was able to turn myself around.

When I arrived in SC late last Thursday night, here are the dogs who welcomed me. Well, the little white one one wasn't thrilled with either Tovah or me. If you do not know what the breed dog in the first photo is, most do not. She is a Leonberger. Despite some opposition, the breed recently became recognized by the AKC this year and was eligible for Westminister. Bella's littermate and brother, Gulliver, was the one shown at Westminister. If you're wondering why some might be concerned about the AKC recognition, it is because there is a likelihood of the breed becoming more popular which places risk for bad breeding and more puppy mills.

The second photo is Leroy, a Treeing Walker Coonhound. He has a bit of a long story but originally my former co-worker found him and fostered him. Then, my step-brother adopted him which lasted only a few years, then my dad and his wife took him.

The last photo is Dasiy. She is the newest member of their family, only having lived there a year or so. She was apparently kept in a crate with a few dachshunds and bred. Her social skills are lacking and she pretty

much snarled and guarded the toys from Tovah the majority of time while we were there. Though I know what to do to help correct this problem, family is much tougher to get through to. You learn to pick your battles and hope for the best before something awful happens.

Tovah was quite wired from her long nap in the car and kept pulling out toys like these and continuously squeaking them. She pulled out ALL the toys. Daisy was not happy.

Tovah and I left for FL the next day to visit my friend. I got lost and drove around for an hour in the rain but eventually made it there. Her property is beautiful--10 acres fully fenced. On Saturday, she had an aggression workshop. I helped out where I could, listened, observed, and chimed in here and there. It was good to get to see my friend in action.

After the workshop ended, we let Tovah and her dogs go out onto the property. She has Irish Setters and Flat coated Retrievers. They all went into the pond. I wish I had gotten photos of the dogs but it was getting dark.

My friend also has goats living on her property, so the next day I took some photos of them. In this first photo, this goat was really pushy at the fence. Lovable for sure but definitely hogged all the attention. It is very evident in the second picture. My friend said that he was much like his dad and she will likely find a different home for him.

The goats were so funny. They especially loved when their dad came over with the food. They were like a bunch of puppies, baa-baa-ing their way in front of each other. They also liked do do stuff like scratch their butts and backs on the fence as well as their horns.

Then, there were the babies. Now, baby goats, much like baby lambs, are just adorable! You can't but say "Awww." There were three of them. They were a bit shy of strangers. Had I had food, they would have been right at my hand likely. If my friend had more time, she would clicker train them. Goats really excel at clicker training, so hopefully one day she will be able to.

The following day, I watched some of her classes--confirmation, obedience, and agility. She let me have the opportunity to work with Tovah in the class, and that was fun. I was really proud of how she did, especially since she has not been in a class setting for over a year in a half. As my friend said, "she did pretty damn good." It was a nice confidence booster and a good source of inspiration, especially since my friend breeds, shows, competes in obedience, and agility with all nationally ranked dogs.

I so wish my friend wasn't so far away, and that she could offer me a job there. I would absolutely love it, even if it is in FL (mountain girl here), but she is not able to. So as she says, she will have to find more opportunities to bring me down there.

I'm going to end this post here as it is getting long. The next post is about the beach and other stuff.

Heading home

This is going to be a brief post, but I wanted to write at least one from SC or FL. I leave tomorrow to head back home. Overall, it has been really nice. It was a much needed break to just chill, hang out with a good friend, observe some different classes, expose Tovah to some more new things, visit with my dad, and get some good sunshine! In some ways, I wish I could have stayed longer with my dog trainer friend in FL, visit with my dad, see another dog trainer's friend new Belgian Tervuren puppy, but I really do need to get on the road and get back to the grindstone of finding a job. I dread it honestly, but it has to be done.

I'm hoping for an uneventful drive back and am going to listen to What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell. It's been on my book list for awhile now. On the drive down, I listened to Inside of a Dog by Alexandra Horowitz and Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth--really liked it and will read the hard back I have at home.

When I get back, I'll have a full report and some pictures as well. Though I'm not a beach person, it was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I loved watching how much fun Tovah had there. This was her first time at a beach as well as being off lead. It was a nice test for recall exercises which she did very well.

I must now go to bed. I have a 10-10.5 hour drive awaiting me.

Road trip

Tomorrow, as long as I can get all my sh$t together, I will be going on a road trip.  I'll be driving to my dad's which is about a 9.5-10 hours drive.  Then, I'll head to FL to visit a friend about 6 hours away.  She is having a dog workshop on Saturday.  I'll head back to my dad's likely Sunday afternoon, and then head back here on Tuesday.  This makes a total of 32 hours of driving over 6 days.  Yikes!  The most amount of driving I have ever done in a day is 12.  I'm a bit  concerned but feel like I can do it.  Here's why:

Over the last few weeks, i.e no job, I have gotten a significant amount of more sleep--think 7-8 hours versus 5 hours (yes, sleep has always been my nemesis).  I've eaten pretty well and have not gone overboard on exercise.  I've only kept to my 2 days of running and walked the dogs more.  Even if I run at my dad's, his weather is much warmer than it is here, so my body would not be acclimated well.

Anyway, my biggest challenge is getting everything together.  My neighbor will take care of 2 of my dogs and Clover (the youngest is going with me)  I worry slightly, but I think if I give her very detailed instructions and go over everything with her, it will be okay.  Hopefully, this time I will not come back to a roundish bunny like last fall when my parents took care of the dogs and Clover (bless them, they tried).

My next posts will be from sunny SC and FL!

Productivity and updates

I have to admit, it is weird not working. I was so used to a routine schedule of waking up between 5-5:30am and coming home between 6:30-7pm every day. Being a structured, routine person I am, it is tough to have all this free time. But, I feel like I've put it to good use so far. My revised resume is completed and visible to employers. I got in touch with all the necessary people I needed to amend bank stuff, bought some pair of black socks for interviews (my mom informed me it would look tacky to wear white socks with black shoes), a friend of mine agreed), returned and mailed any items from old workplace, learned exactly what I can and cannot do, in regards to future employment, received some good advice (never sign any contracts/agreements prior to working), and had a great dinner with a friend, capped with a brownie dessert and ice cream which did not end in any guilty thinking.

Now, it's a waiting game. And that's the hard part. I always have some fear that no one is going to look at my resume, despite my credentials.

In some ways, having this time off is good, because all those things I have put off like cleaning, organizing, taxes, going through boxes (yes I still have some from when I moved over a year ago), getting my hair cut, writing letters, working on Baxter's memorial video, reading my stack of books/magazines, watching my stack of dog dvds, etc., I now finally have the time to do. There's even a possibility I may be going to FL in a few weeks to visit friends.

Here's the thing, though I try to stay optimistic about things, there are still a lot of times I feel down or try to wrap my head around things. This often times gets my father upset, because he feels like I'm just obsessing (I have a post related to that soon). To me, it is my way to try to make sense of things, vent, or whatever. Because for me, what it boils down to is just another loss--a loss of a job and workplace that had so much potential (I guess it still has the potential, just without me), a loss of friendship, a loss of trust. The latter two hurt the most and is likely irreparable.

Truly, I know time is really the only thing that will help. The more you can distance (not avoid per se) yourself from whatever harmful incident has happened, the better you can learn, move on, and heal. But still, it all takes time, time that is different for everyone.

p.s. If you have not entered the gift code giveaway, you still have time until 11pm EST tonight. I forgot to mention it in the original post, but it is for $50. All you have to do is leave a comment on one way you are taking care of yourself. Good luck!

Special anniversary

Today is a special anniversary. It marks the1st anniversary of living in this, my house. It's hard to believe a year has passed. Here's a rundown of house-related things which my parents and I did:

• Had 2 dead trees cut and ground (expensive!)
• New mulch and ground cover in my front and side yards
• Planted four trees (one died), flowers, and herbs for Clover (Basil recently died from frost. I'll get better at this with time)
• Filled dirt in the "pit" area where an above ground pool once was from the previous owners
• Someone ran into my fence. It does indeed turned out it was someone related to the neighbors up the road who took the car. They said the cousin who damaged the fence is in Mexico though.
• Had to get AC fixed over the summer
• Took down ugly, red curtains and replaced them with sheer light green and blue ones
• Primed my room, getting it tinted blue
• Repainted my upstairs bathroom a pretty lavender color
• The hole where the unusable hot tub was from the previous owners was replaced with an actual platform, so that can be turned into a private deck
• Added some flood lights in the backyard, front, and back parts of the house
• Bought a top notch vacuum (ironically someone came yesterday to try to sell me a kirby, but I think I am going to stick to my miele, though I like the shampoo option on the kirby)

There's probably more, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head. There's still a lot more to be done, but this is at least a start. The nice thing is that there isn't a finite timeline. I have goals of when I want to have certain things done, mostly by priority, but the feeling is more of "when I can do it" type thing. This doesn't mean I let things go by the waste side, but it is nice NOT to pressure yourself to get it all done at one time and feel like a spazz,a non-accomplishing individual. Now, if I had gobs of money, that might be a different story, but that's just not my life at the moment. So you do with what you have, and when you can do better or more, you do so.

Learning about your neighbors

First off, I have to say I had a great day yesterday! I went with R., from my previous post to a grooming show locally. I had never been to one, and though I'm not a groomer, I still found it worthwhile, especially since I know we'll eventually have grooming at the facility. It was also good, because I finally got around to buying a small brush and nail clippers (only have dremel here) for Clover. Clover has learned to not mind being brushed, but nails are another issue.

After that, we went out for early dinner where we talked for an additional 2 1/2 hours about random events. She learned a bit more about me and vice versa. When I got home, I had planned on an evening to just do house stuff. I desperately need to organize my bills, mail, magazines, etc., but I got stopped by my neighbor while out scooping my yard. B. asked if I wanted to go for a swim.

When she asked me this, I about panicked and at first said no. B. urged me how refreshing it would be since it was so hot out. True, it was hot, but if I said yes, this meant I was subject to wearing a bathing suit in front of someone I hardly knew. As I wrote here, you would not catch me dead in a bathing suit outside visibly gardening or weeding let alone while other people were around. (You can read about my bikini aversion here as well)

I decided to take the plunge anyway, saying to myself it was only one person and in her backyard pool. Besides B. said she is not a vain person, so that put me a bit at ease. Before I go on, let me give a little background of B. since I have not discussed her here.

When I first moved here way back in November, I actually met B. the day I was moving. She made small talk, saying she was my neighbor, and if I ever needed anything to just come over. Naturally, I'm just not that kind of person unless specifically invited, but still it was a nice neighborly invitation. I remember even the previous owners of the house had told me about this neighbor and said that they really liked that she was there but never overstepped her boundaries. And she never has at all. We have spoken a handful of times over our fence while we've been outside working, but that's really it.

This impromptu pool gathering was the first time I had really gotten to know her. We talked about random stuff--dogs, her kids (she has 3 boys aged 23, 21, and 19 who all live at home, go to college, and have jobs), losing her job (this was before I moved), etc. But then something odd happened. She told me she was an alcoholic, that she had lapsed since the 4th of July, that she's been going to AA meetings everyday since last August, that she is trying to find a job (this does sound like it is something that would help), that she is journaling, that she is thinking about seeing a therapist, that she know she needs to stop drinking.

The interesting thing is that she thought I knew or had figured out she was an alcoholic. I did not have a clue as I was not around her enough to know, and she had never drunk in front of me. The only thing I ever noticed was that she was forgetful, but I attributed that to just a short term memory--she'd tell me something she had told me, and 30 minutes later said the exact same thing)

I tried not to go too "therapist-like" but nodded my head, commended her for committing to AA, to journaling, encouraged her to see the individual therapist she had spoken of earlier, but mostly I listened. She told me a few other things like how one of her sons has Tourette's and OCD, and how it has been difficult since he refuses medications or therapy. There were some other things she said in terms of figuring out her feelings, dealing with some transitions in her life, etc. that I think a therapist could really help her with.

At the end of the night, she apologized for throwing this all on me, but I reassured her it was okay, and that I'd certainly dealt with similar things, saying that we all have our own issues and inner demons.

Just from my first glimpses of her life she has shared, she is a fighter. I just hope that she will be willing to fight for herself just as she has for those surrounding her. I'm hopeful she'll kick the drinking again (she wants to stop smoking as well--had been for seven years before relapsing) and rediscover herself and her feelings

In the meantime, I think I'll let her borrow my book Drinking: a lovestory by Caroline Knapp. It's always been one of my favorite books. Though never a drinker, it was a book I could easily resonate to eating disorders.

As a side note, I met one of her sons and his girlfriend. I felt slightly awkward since I was in my swimsuit, but at least I was in the water and it was at night, so a little less self conscious for me.

"Taking lunch"

I've spoken about my work on here and will likely continue to do so. Most times it goes well. I get my work done, chat with the office assistant who shares some of my "disgruntles," work with dogs, etc. All is good except for the occasional tiffs that my boss and I have.

These tiffs are not major, mostly a difference in opinion. Last week, she was worried that I was not getting a full work week in, so she wanted me to come in earlier. Fine, that really wasn't a problem. Getting 40 or more hours/week is not difficult, although I really do dislike getting home after 6 PM or 7 PM, or having to go back to the office after 3 PM when I finish exercising one of our client's dogs 5x/week. I'd much rather work my 8 hours and then go home afterwards since that specific time period is awful for me. I am always tired and really don't feel very functional. But oh well, that's just how it goes most days.

Our latest tiff has been with scheduling. My boss is insistent that after 4 hours, you take a break. I know it IS federal law, but she is always afraid that some dude from the Labor Law force will come in and check to make sure this happens. This could of course happen, but it is highly doubtful unless your work has been red flagged from complaint by someone. I could be wrong, but this is just my thinking.

I find this break thing difficult, because honestly I'd rather take a break after 6 hours. The other thing that has been hard for me is "taking lunch." I know ultimately this is a normal thing to do, but I've never taken well to it. Lunch has never been a big thing for me and just got worse with development of the ED back in high school which was when I realized if I skipped lunch, I could get so much more work done. In college, I never did lunch period if you count getting a coffee or reading the newspaper as "taking lunch."

At my last job, though it was technically lunchtime, the kennel was closed, and I had a 3 hour window to do whatever I wanted. Most times, this was when I ran a lot of errand, went online, ate five gazillion animal crackers, took a nap, etc. I no longer have this luxury, so my "lunch" is approximately 1 hr 15 min. which consists of a 30-40 min. time drive round trip to go home and let the dogs out. This doesn't even seem like a break to me, and I'm only with my dogs maybe a max of 25-30 minutes. I think I might feel differently if I did not have to do the drive back and forth, but I do not have anyone to let out the dogs during the day.

During this time, I do stuff like washing the dishes, a few chores, etc., but the whole "lunch" thing never flies. I wind up grabbing a clif/luna bar or eating a yogurt which is more than I used to in college. I realize this is not exactly a lunch, and yeah, I could make all the excuses with not having time, etc. Honestly, it's just I don't make a true effort at it. I have a hard time justifying that when I've been sitting on my ass for the previous 4 hours working on PowerPoints to have something substantial. I understand how this is very flawed thinking, but I'm just having trouble with this schedule thing. I also find I do the same thing at conferences and wind up finding stuff to do or just twiddling my thumbs, waiting for time to be up.

My boss feels like she needs to know when I'm going to be at the office, but before all it mattered was that I got my work done which I do. The building isn't open yet, so it doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm literally just working on the PowerPoints which I can do from home and exercising a few dogs. I also feel like the one day where my day is different--don't go and exercise dogs, I should be able to take my lunch later, and she seems to have issues with this. This client whose dogs I exercise will also call at the last minute wanting us to come over, pick up her dogs from the groomer, etc. when it was agreed that we do not go over that day due to their grooming and bitchiness. The saying "no" thing seems hard, and on that specific day, I plan my day differently specifically because I do not have to exercise those dogs. (They are nice little dogs but reactive to many things, so it is a constant battle at management while at their home.)

I think part of the way I'm feeling too is that my boss has made me out to be her "king pin" as she says, but yet, doesn't give the trust I think she should. Last week, she decided to put time sheets on my computer which I find rather annoying if I'm on a salary pay. And actually, it makes me a little OCDish with the numbers.

Anyway, I know there will be growing pains as everyone adjusts to their new roles and schedules, but it's causing me some distress which was not the point of this job.

How do people deal with "taking breaks" and "lunches?" Are these times coveted or annoying or necessary?

A decade in review

As 2009 draws to a close, it's just occurred to me that we are ending a chapter in history with this decade. Some are calling this the worst decade ever, while others feel the opposite. I think it's a cumulation of both, but certainly for Generation Y'ers, (born late 1970s-mid 1990s), it's been quite a ride for many.

So here's a brief list of what we've seen in this decade:

9/11 and the rise in terrorism
Iraq and Afghanistan wars
Tsunamis in Asia with horribly high death tolls
Hurricane Katrina
Major financial and housing crisis, recession
Issue of global warming brought to the forefront
First US African-American President
Heightened airport security
Prominence of China everywhere
All of the political scandals and nuances of the Capitol

Human genome project and the significance of the role of DNA in a variety of disorders
Stem cell research emergence
Gene therapy promises
Rise in alternative medicine, organic foods and yoga movement

Rise in social media and networking, including twitter, facebook, myspace, and blogging that changed the way we communicate
Introduction to ipods, blackberries, and iphones which also led to increase in texting and yes sexting as well
Wikipedia, youtube, and google

Introduction to Harry Potter!
Shows Sopranos, Lost, Law and Order series, The Office, 30 Rock, and many others reigned
Reality tv took off with a variety of shows and unforgettable characters
Many prominent deaths, probably death of Michael Jackson will be most highlighted

I know this just scratches the surface, but it gives a good picture of the good, bad, the ugly, and how it has all affected us in one way or another.

Now, as for me, the decade has been a teachable one with many defeats, triumphs, and most of all self growth.

10 years ago, I was a lonely, depressed, burnt out, sophomore in college who further learned how much the eating disorder was affecting my life.
10 years ago, I got my first puppy as my own, Baxter, and started my first therapy stint in college with C. I learned that raising a puppy was tough and at times therapy even harder.
10 years ago, I was diagnosed with hepatitis B, had a biopsy, and began treatment. I learned the complex, confusing system of hepatitis B and how it can severely affect your body and mind.

9 years ago, I started my job at the kennel and began obedience with Baxter. I learned what possibilities there were with Baxter if I kept a good head of patience.

8 years ago, I did a 4-month treatment course of interferon (horrible!) and had a brief taste of what recovery was like.

7 years ago, I had non-epileptic seizures which forced me to take a medical leave of absence from college. I learned that I had much anxiety about the future, and that it was not going away anytime soon.
7 years ago, I graduated from college and had no clue what to do with my life. I learned it was really not the end of the world, something at the time I thought about.
7 years ago, I began on a path towards learning about animal behavior and becoming a trainer. I learned I was actually good at this and it could possibly be a goal for the future.

6 years ago, ED relapsed back into my life, and I thought I'd never get better; began therapy with new therapist, K.
6 years ago, I gave Hank, my Aussie X, a home after briefly being a psychiatric service dog and living in the kennel for over a year. From him, I learned about letting go of expectations in my dogs.
6 years ago, I learned that not everything was my fault

5 years ago, I learned that people were not always as they seemed

4 years ago, I adopted Daphne, my deaf white Boxer, at first a foster who became permanent. I learned a whole new language and challenged my training skills through her deafness.

3 years ago, I seroconverted and no longer carried any hepatitis B signs clinically speaking. I learned this holy grail was actually possible despite having been a chronic carrier for so long.

2 years ago, I ended therapy with K, began this blog, and decided to really put forth a true effort in recovery.

1.5 years ago, I ran my first marathon and did a second. I learned the ability and strength of my body.
1.5 years ago, I finally began making real strides in recovery and began therapy again with C. working on tough issues.

1 year ago, I found Tovah and gave her a home. I re-learned the difficulty of raising a puppy, but learned from my mistakes with Baxter.

2 months ago, I got up in front of 100s of people and did laughter yoga (this was a big thing for me!) I learned that it was possible for me to be a bit outgoing if I stopped worrying so much about what other people thought.
1.5 months ago, I bought my first house, moved to a new area, and changed jobs. I learned that though this was/is all a scary process and transition, I could endure it.

23 days ago, I learned about letting go and saying good-bye to a dear companion. I learned that my heart could be broken, but that I could be mended.
0 days ago, I learned that recovery is still reachable for me, and that I'm actually beginning to have some belief in that.

I don't know what the next decade will bring. I don't like to think in large time spans, as I know life can always throw curve balls, and it won't necessarily be what you dreamed or hoped. I don't do resolutions but instead, I like to think about the small goals I can make. Each success of a small goal makes an impact, giving me a little more self-esteem in the long run. It reminds me that deep within, there lies strength, courage, and a continued hope for a better tomorrow.

So what is your decade in review (or year)? What have you learned? What do you hope to do or learn?

Lastly, I hope for each of you, the next year and decade in coming brings about a renewed sense of hope, a ray of happiness and stability, health, and peace within yourself. Here's to 2010!

Note--*I thank all of you for your support and comments. I hope this blog has been just as helpful to you as it has been to me.

Embarking on a new chapter in my life

This will be a short post since I'm pretty tired. Many are probably wondering where in the heck I went for the last few months and why my blog was set to private during that time. Though I am no complainer in any way shape or form, I've just had a lot going on with many changes and heartache in a very short period of time.

Some of these include:

Resigning from my job
Starting a new job
Buying a house
Moving into a new house
Relocating to a different area
Dealing with Baxter's illness, surgery, and treatment
Grieving the loss of Baxter

In the archives of October, November, and December, you can read about my first time house buying experience, moving, and everything that went on with Baxter.

Losing Baxter is still very difficult. I think about him and visualize all the places where he used to be, the funny habits and quirks he had, and the comforting feeling I felt when his head was literally next to my head on the pillow at bedtime. I miss his presence dearly and how he used to pick up all the dog bowls for me. Now, I actually have to pick them up myself until I teach another dog to.

I think the saddest thing for me is that I feel like as I embark on a new chapter in my life, Baxter should be here with me to test out all the waters. The thing that gives me a sense of acceptance is reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. We may not be able to see it at the time, but I do believe, there is always a reason.

Overall, I think I've handled things fairly well--at least better than I have in the past. I still got stressed, worried, anxious, eating fell off the bandwagon slightly for a week or two, but for the most part, these emotions didn't rule every aspect of my life so much. It helped tremendously having a gps to get around as driving in new locations is not my forte and causes a lot of anxiety. Yes, I still got lost, but I at least was able to find another route. Now, I can actually drive places without the gps which makes me feel much more confident!

Overwhelmed!

Despite having so many successes with challenges lately, I'm feeling very overwhelmed with everything. I just feel like it never ends, and something else comes up. It's either that or that everything just has horrible timing!

*Baxter is not doing well. He was doing well last week and making small improvements. I thought we ere having a breakthrough finally. Then on Sunday, he began going downhill fast. His last meal was Sun. AM. He has not eaten since then nor taken in fluids other than my syringe fulls of water and gatorade which were not too successful today. Right now, we're treating the dehydration, hoping it makes him feel better. I'm experimenting with foods too to try to get him to eat. It is like he is too weak to even eat, and he is down 4 pounds from a week ago.

*My vet is getting married (yeah for her!) and going on her honeymoon for ten days. I'm very happy for her but hate that she is gone for so long. She has a replacement, but I've never met him. Supposedly, he is good though. My boss and I are also taking care of her two dogs while she is gone. The positive is that it gives Tovah some dogs to play with since one of them is apparently very playful.

*My boss suddenly had to be gone from yesterday to Thursday to do stuff at her dad's. I'll be taking care of her dogs while she is gone.

*The glass guy is coming tomorrow. He is replacing many windows and will be here most of the day. I have put this off, but the guy really wants it to be done. He is afraid the glass is going to break.

*I really need to take my computers in to get them repaired. It's been trouble finding time.

*I haven't gotten as much done work wise which makes me feel like I'm being unproductive.

*Financially, I'm super stressed. I know there is a big transition period, but it is so rough right now. I hate going over my cell phone minutes, but people seem to get upset when I tell them they really need to call me after 9 PM. Then, there are other bills that were more than I expected.

*My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Of course, this is all in good spirits, but Christmas is the last thing on my mind!

*I'm feeling fat and have had a few small "binge" episodes.

*I haven't had therapy since like Sept., and I am pretty sure she just wants to close my file. An hour wouldn't even be sufficient in getting through all that has happened. I don't think snail mailing counts, and I really don't have the time to drive back and forth for 80 min. each way plus an hour of therapy right now.

I know ultimately I just need to get through this time period in one piece and remind myself it is not forever--that everything will smooth out eventually. Gee, I really hope so, because I can imagine myself getting some premature gray hair.