How beliefs are so hard to change

The next few posts will be on thoughts from my therapy appointments. Ahh, C., my therapist, says interesting words which always prove to be food for thought.

I've talked about how one of my goals this year was working on trauma-related issues from the past. It's a cognitive behavioral approach which I do think can be effective at times. We've put aside working on this since there were a lot of other issues which felt more pertinent to me at the time.

Currently, I'm working on the continuance of challenging my belief system through a series of questions/answers, exercises in ways of thinking differently, as well as going through emotional feelings, etc, you know all the CBT stuff. We went over my last assignment which I admit I probably should have worked on more. As I was reading my list of beliefs, saying them aloud, and answering the module questions, I suddenly felt very frustrated. At this point, I just wanted to shut my notebook, throw my hands in the air, and say how this was all stupid. I told C. "you know I know all these beliefs are irrational."

Her reply was, "Okay, this might be true that you know these beliefs are irrational, but how much do you really try to change them?"

Okay, I guess she got me there. That keyword of change. I don't know how much I am trying to do that, honestly. Well, I am, but right now my emotions don't feel as intense, therefore, there is a lackluster approach to feel the need for necessary change. And as horrible as it sounds, sometimes, I feel like putting myself in a situation where that type of trauma occurred, just so I could truly feel those emotions again. However, my logical side kicks in knowing that could be harmful and lead to possible irreparable damage. (this reminds me quite a bit of the parallels ED)

So going back to beliefs and change. How much do we do this with eating disorders? Obviously, that is part of the emotional point of treatment and recovery. I run across so many eating disordered individuals who all know so many things rationally, but I think have such a difficulty in really feeling and changing their beliefs about themselves. Most of them could tell anyone else how whatever feeling, behavior, etc, was irrational, but however, when it is about them, the rules somehow change, they are different (myself included here) A friend of mine often tells me when I am spouting out my justifications for ED this or that, "Do you hear yourself?" It actually does give me pause to think. Still though, why do we have to be our own worst critic?

I guess I'm feeling slightly frustrated with myself for having difficulty with this and not trying as hard as I could be, knowing that if I don't work on it now, it will only continue to bite me in the ass time and time again. :sigh:

Beliefs

Yesterday 's therapy session was tough, and I have a feeling it's not going to get easier. After I revealed my secret to C., I agreed to try to work on this issue, hoping maybe this time with concerted effort, I might be able to get past it. During the last few weeks, we've been working on trauma-related exercises.

The first exercise was to write rules prior to the trauma-related event and then see whether those beliefs were reinforced or different after the trauma. For me, since this trauma was over ten years ago, I had to think really hard about what I felt then versus now. It was much more difficult than I thought. C. could see how hard it was for me and pointed out how I was able to place the feelings but not the thoughts. This was an interesting observation, because with eating disorder issues, I'm Miss Rationalization and the feelings part become non-existent.

This is not to say that I don't rationalize with trauma-related issues either, it's just different. Often, it's with me wanting to continuously blame myself for everything. C. said something helpful which I thought might be helpful to some other bloggers who I know are having difficulties right now in dealing with both past and present issues.

She said it wasn't so much a matter whether you were right or wrong or that you had choice in the matter. What matters is how it affected your beliefs--the way you see people, the world, yourself.

This helped me to take less blame for the situation and reminded me that it certainly did change the way I view some things. Beliefs are an interesting thing. From childhood, we are taught certain beliefs. As we grow and have both positive and negative experiences, we decide to either change our belief system or hold onto it. The thing that is hard is when a belief you had is shattered. You don't know whether you'll ever able to see it the same way even though that way was healthy.

Revealing secrets

I've never been the type to reveal secrets but in instances where there might be harm. Okay, there was the one instance that my family never lets me down when I was very young and right before my mom opened her Christmas gift, I blurted out, "it's a blue shirt." But besides that, I don't reveal much. In this way, I've become the "keeper" of secrets, even my own.

Except for yesterday.

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When I decided to head back to therapy this time around, I told C. I really wanted to be as honest with her as possible. It's not that I try to be dishonest in therapy, it's just that I'm too afraid to say some things. I find when I get into these moments, I have to remind myself that I really want C. to know this, because it gives her better insight about me. By not being honest, how can she truly help me?

While it's true that sometimes it takes me a awhile to actually tell her whatever thing it is I am fearing, I do eventually reveal my secret. At my last appointment several weeks ago, I told her one small detail (okay big detail) why I was afraid of going on a medication. As always, she told me she appreciated me telling her and hopes that I can let go of my "safety net."

Yesterday's appointment, something similar happened. It was a gradual building. First, I talked about my blurred lines post, then about the babies post. The latter offered interesting discussion. In some ways, this was up C.'s alley, as women and pregnancies are one of her specializations. I told her how I had not ruled out the option to have children but was worried about passing on eating disorder genes. She understood all this and just said how the best you can do is be aware of it and if you see it, to intervene as quickly as possible.

Then I said, "Sometimes, I think if I had a child, it would...not necessarily make me more recovered but maybe...more normal."
C. replied with a simple "Yes, I think it would." This was a moment of direct eye contact, and it seemed we were both a little teary-eyed for a split second. It was quite a moving scene.

Then, she went on about how your focus is on something else other than yourself, etc. Later, she asked me whether I wanted to just have a child or have a male partner, husband, etc. My reply was I thought having some father, male figure would be nice.

C. asked, "so when are you going to open yourself up enough to have that?"

And then I found myself saying why I was this way.

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PSU

So that's how it all went down. When I walked into yesterday's session, I had not planned on talking about this secret. Most times it is just left in my distant mind, though it still lurks, reminding me of shame once again.

Although I don't regret talking about my deepest, darkest secret with C. which only very few people know, it leaves me scared, panicked, exposed, and vulnerable. Of all my issues, this is the one left virtually untouched. I say virtually, because in the past when I have tried to get past this, I go into a state of panic, feeling frenetic, feeling like I must run, thinking how fat I am, thinking how I don't really need this food. In essence, it leaves me a mess and easily headed down the relapse path.

Therefore, I've neglected it for both intentional and unintentional reasons. Intentionally, I know it opens a can of worms. I know I'd hurt all over again. Unintentionally, being out of mind, made it not seem so real. It made it buried at least in some shallow grave. But really, that grave is so shallow that no amount of dirt would ever really cover it.

I'm not always for rehashing your history or dwelling on the past, but this is a subject that's whittled at me for more than a decade. It's an issue that hinders me from ever having the life I really want, the life I used to dream about. I realize how much I'm missing out on things, because there is an intense fear.

This secret has left me emotionally scarred, and I want to learn to let it go. I want to learn to move on. I want to know that I won't necessarily be hurt again. But most of all, I want to learn to forgive myself. This is where I falter. I may let the secret out, but then, I don't know what to do next except panic, like some scared animal. The panic may eventually subside, but yet again, the remnants of the secret remain and I'm still left with myself.

What do I do? Where do I begin? Where does it end? Someone, please tell me I really do have the strength and ability to get through this, that I need to get through this healthily, because right now, I'm fragile like glass.