Asymmetry of perfectionism

A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to get a new pair of running shoes. Though the pair I'm currently wearing are not completely worn out, they will be soon. It's typical that if I'm training for a race that I need shoes about every 5-6 months. Some say the magic number is after 400 miles. Anyway, as usual, this was not an easy task. Most places just don't carry my size (I have small, wide feet), but the running shop where our running group meets from, ordered me a few pairs to try on. It was highly surprising to me that my feet were barely a 5. I thought they were at least 5 1/2 since I have worn 6s for years. And actually yesterday I found out my left foot is smaller than my right foot--more on that later. The weird thing was that when I tried on the 6s, it felt perfect in my left foot, but my right foot felt like it was swimming. Then, when I tried on the 5 1/2s, the right foot felt perfect, but my left foot felt tight.

Normally, I would have stayed with the 6s except that I have developed calluses on the ball of my feet, especially during long runs. My feet literally kill me, and I can barely walk. So I thought maybe I had been wearing the wrong size for years as this is typical of many women who buy shoes, according to the running people at the store. They find woman do not want to wear a half size larger.

I decided since I had some pain after a short run with the 5 1/2s that I'd better wait before dishing out the money. Instead, I made a podiatry appt. with a podiatrist who gave a short talk back in the fall to our running group. He immediately remembered who I was too, asking whether the dog (Tovah) was still running with me.

After his foot tests, a number of things were revealed:

• My left leg is longer by about 3 cm compared to my right (I knew one leg was a little longer but couldn't remember which one)
• My right foot measures right at a 5, my left foot is a little smaller.
• The second digit on my left foot sticks up (apparently this is a deformity some people have) which causes more pressure to my metatarsal area. Since I have bunions on both my feet, they do not absorb the pressure well, thus the only place to go is in the balls of my feet. And since the left second digit is deformed, that foot has more pressure and actually stays longer on the ground than my right foot. A few years ago, I had metatarsal inflammation in the same area.
• My right foot over the metatarsal area is wider than my left foot.
• My left foot over the midsole area is slightly larger than my right foot.
• I pronate slightly on my left foot but supinate slightly on my right foot--basically my body's way of balancing itself out.

The treatment plan is custom orthotics, depending on how much insurance will cover. They run anywhere from $300-400, though they last at least 2-3 years. In the mean time, I have some metarsal pads to wear in my shoes, and a little lift in my right shoe. These will both be added into the orthotics as well.

So why did I mention all this weird stuff with my feet? The podiatrist said something interesting to me during our appt. He was telling me how "some people who run 100s of miles have bodies that are built for it. Their bodies just don't seem to break down. But most people have all these small idiosyncrasies that when added together affect us. If you keep looking close enough, you are going to find them."

This is so true. We are made up of many small imperfections if you want to call it that. What I think is ironic is how many people quest for the perfect body but yet do not even think about these small things necessarily. And what I mean about small are, I have one toe larger than the other, one side of my nose is larger than the other, one leg is smaller than the other, etc. You get the picture.

Now, of course, there are people who do focus on these small imperfections and go to extremes--those with BDD come to mind, but mostly people will say, "I want to be thinner, I want to have flat abs, I want to tone up, etc." It's all generalizations to find the quest for perfect, but in reality, there is No Perfect. Because if we were truly perfect, and I'm thinking about this in a scientific way, everything would be the same and symmetrical, there would be no room for error, no flaws, no nothing. Even those like Angelina Jolie who some people say are beautiful, probably has some sort of asymmetry going on.

The other thing about this whole asymmetry thinking is that it is likely that some of them are out of your control. That means, you were born with them, they make up who you are--unique, different, and beautiful too.

So, I know this is a bit long-winded. It was just an interesting point to think about. How many of us really think about symmetry in our bodies, or even how it may affect us? Maybe that is really the "perfection" we are all looking for.

My thoughts on Black Swan

Niko Tavernise via Fox Searchlight

I'm finally getting around to writing my thoughts on the movie Black Swan. Though I'm a month late in writing this, I figured this would be a good time since the Golden Globes are on tonight. Black Swan is nominated for 4 Globes, and Natalie Portman is the favorite in the best actor category. By the way, I think this will be her first real public showing with the new "bun" in the oven so to speak.

Anyway, it is interesting, because although I had known about Black Swan being an Oscar contender way before its actual release date, it wasn't until about a week before its limited release that it began to garner a huge amount of press. I first heard about the lengths which Natalie Portman went through for the role in this Fresh Air interview with Terry Gross (as you can tell I listen to a lot of NPR ;-)) Then, there were a slew of other articles which came out about "discipline", possible encouragement of eating disorders, etc. This movie was quite the buzz, especially for body image/eating disorder advocates, the pro-ana movement, and the ballet world. More attention was given with the New York Times ballet critic Alastair Macauley' s disparaging remark of Jennifer Ringer's body "looking as if she'd eaten one sugar plum too many" in his review of the Nutcracker. With all this press, would it cause more people to actually see the movie?

I do not know the actual figure count into how many people have seen the movie. Critics have given it quite a number of accolades. People, in general, however have viewed it with mixed reactions. One dog trainer I know on facebook (she is not into tutus, frills, or ballet) wound up loving it, relating it to the movie Stigmata. A number of reviews I've seen by other people thought the movie was good, but it wasn't one they would necessarily see again.

Here's my take, it was a good movie, Natalie Portman portrayed the role of Nina well, but it is not a movie for everyone. I still have some mixed feelings about it since it does show an exaggerated, albeit dark side to the world of ballet. A few Canadian professional ballet dancers explain it well here. Also, I think some of the sexuality in the film could have been toned down. I just didn't see it as necessary, but then again this is Hollywood, and drama brings in big bucks.

In terms of the "encouragement" of eating disorders, I had a hard time seeing that. Yes, there were several food scenes where Nina hardly ate or just took a taste of congratulatory cake her mom had brought her, scenes of purging (though this seemed a lot more due to nervousness, worry than a feeling of fat). The dancers in general were thin--overly I don't think but then again my view of thin may be different from what someone else sees. The thing about whether this movie would be triggering, well, it depends on how you look at it. Some may see it as glorifying eating disorders if that is what they are looking for; while others view it vastly differently in that it gives just an opposite opinion. You have to decide for yourself on that one.

In terms of themes, the movie portrays a number of them, including dedication, physical price for an art, obsession, paranoia, an overcontrolling parent, and most of all perfection. Throughout the movie, you hear Nina say, "I just want to be perfect." It becomes an all consuming adjective that many of us can relate to. Natalie Portman portrays this well in the role--to the point of craziness with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. In the end, she sacrifces herself for it with her last line, "I was perfect." Some might call this melodramatic or over the top, but really what is shows is the idea that when you become so wrapped up in something, you lose yourself figuratively and possibly literally.

There are a few other stand out quotes from the movie, both said by Thomas Leroy, the ballet director in the movie. "The only person standing in your way is you" and "Perfection is not just about control...It's also about letting go."

These remind me a lot of recovery--that there is something to be said for letting go to be perfect. Perfectionism isn't just about the aspects of restraint and control but also to feel, to have balance in your life, to realize there is a lot out there rather than the bubble we may place ourselves in, etc. I hope we can eventually all get outside our insular bubble before we lose ourselves or have the inability to grasp it again within reach.

Notes--Fox Searchlight site has a a lot of good info. about insight into the movie. I was also really glad that although the actors took a very strenuous approach for these roles, they were able to quickly get themselves to a healthier state. One thing Natalie did say in an interview which I do not think all actors do is that when she finishes a scene, she goes back to herself. I think this helped her not fall into an ED victim with extreme dieting and exercise.

Modeling behavior

This is another post about the neighbor's with kids, but it's not so much about the children as it is their mother. Their mother is the guidance counselor at a nearby school. I've talked with her a few times, and she seems incredibly nice. Amazingly, she has lived her entire life in the house beside me, so she and my neighbor on the other side of me (she has 4 sons aged 19-23/34 all living there) have filled me in on the past history of my house, the people who live nearby, etc. It's not really gossiping, just what I'd call neighborly tidbits of information.

Anyway, something I've noticed about my neighbor with the young children is how much she wears her bathing suit outside. I'm kind of awed by it--in a good way. It's certainly been hot and humid here, but still, you wouldn't catch me dead in a bathing suit out weeding or gardening. Now, I realize I do not know her well enough to know if this is just her personality or how she feels about her body, but I do think this is good modeling behavior. She doesn't appear to wear the bathing suit as a flaunting type behavior--she is modest-a one piece with a skirt, but rather more for comfort. And this is even after she had her youngest child a year ago. My thinking is along the lines that there is at least some body comfort, or else should not wear one at all.

I know everyone is different about wearing bathing suits, and just because a parent might wear one doesn't mean their kid is going to have bad body image. But I do think modeling this sort of behavior can be positive. There are many studies that show how children are influenced by their parents' habits, behaviors, thoughts, and comments.

The oldest child is 6 or 7 and not as svelte as her siblings, still carrying much of her baby body, so I worry about her especially as she becomes older. M. is articulate, intelligent, and has a lot going for her from what I've seen. I'd just hate to see her fall into the bad body image trap that so many young girls do. I'm hopeful that her mother's modeling behavior will have a positive effect on her body image. As always, only time will tell.

If your body could talk...

In Margarita Tartavosky's excellent Weightless Blog, her most recent post, Empathizing with your body, she asks the question "What would your body parts say if they could talk?" It's an intriguing question, because really how would our bodies respond to that question? What would our most dissatisfied body part say?

For me, my stomach, would say something along the lines of:

"I hold your stomach muscles and align your spine. I am the core of your body, but yet you do not see me that way. You cannot look past that small pooch that has been there since Adam and Eve--that pooch that is necessary for your health, that pooch that is there if you ever decide to bear children. Instead, you just see me as a layer of fat to be rid of so you can obtain that ever so sought after six-pack that you have always wanted with relentless stomach exercises that just make me hurt. And it is likely that that six pack will never happen due to pure genetics, so I don't know why you keep trying to attain this goal through me!"

Okay, so I have a bit of an angry stomach.

Seriously though, how do our bodies think of us? It is doubtful they think we are best friends, but rather more like mortal enemies. Doesn't that seem kind of sad? Our bodies become the thing we despise, the thing we take all our energy out on, the thing we deprive, the thing we scold and yell profanities at, the thing we mutilate, the thing we destroy.

And yet, each and every body part has a role in keeping us functional, in keeping us with the ability to move, in keeping us living. Don't you think for all that it deserves something better from us?

I know it can be hard, because sometimes we are not necessarily trying to destroy our bodies intentionally, it just becomes the thing that gets in the way, the thing most easy to manipulate, the thing that is the aftermath of our emotional pain.

I know it is a far fetch to say an affirmation like "I love my body" but what about just starting with "I appreciate my body for the amazing things it does for me." That's at least a starting point. We may never get to a point of loving our bodies ever so completely, but I think if we can reach aspects of appreciation and respect, our bodies would be so thankful for that.

So, if your body/body part could talk, what would it say?

Note--*In my quote part about what my stomach would say, I had a funny slip and wrote "purge" instead of "pure" genetics.

*I find it kind of ironic, because when I went to the blog site, there is a header with an advertisement with Jillian Michaels, asking "how big is your weight-loss goal?" I've seen this ad before and it is has been on various site, but I still find it ironic.

Drop Dead Diva

The show Drop Dead Diva premiered last night. The show centers around the question of brains versus beauty. I had read some good reviews of this show, so I was interested to see how it would play out. My other reason for watching the show is because I am a fan of Maragaret Cho, though I do admit some of her stuff can be a bit on the raunchy side for my taste.

Quick case of characters:

Jane, played by Brooke Elliott--Plain, plus-sized woman who is a kick ass lawyer and very smart. She suffers from insecurity and self-esteem issues.

Teri, played by Margaret Cho--Jane's assistant who seems to know everything about Jane. We haven't seen if she has a quirky side yet, but she seems to provide stability for Jane.

Deb, played by Brooke D'Orsay--Thin, blonde, and shallow. She is an aspiring model for the Price is Right show.

Grayson--Deb's boyfriend who loves Deb.

Stacy--Deb's best friend who is like her identical twin--thin, blonde, and shallow

Kim--works in the same law firm as Jane. Seems to feel second fiddle to Jane. Thus, she tries to sabotage her. She is a wannabe "diva" personality.

Fred--Jane's guardian angel who looks out for her.

Parker--The boss at the law firm who feels Jane has insecurity issues.

A brief synopsis: Jane takes a bullet for Parker and gets killed. Meanwhile, Deb dies in a car accident, distracted by talking on the phone with Stacy. Deb, then goes to a holding station to determine whether she goes to heaven or hell. Fred who checks her in says she is a "zero," having done no bad deeds but also no good ones either. Deb, mad, hits the "return" button which sends her back to Earth.

As divine intervention goes, she winds up in Jane's body, taking on the traits of Jane, including her smartness but keeping hold of her own memories. Fred has now become her guardian angel to help Jane with this transition.

Obviously, it is hard for Deb to be Jane, as Jane lacks everything she aspires to--nice figure, good wardrobe, always craves food, etc. It's very much the stereotype of how many people see "fat" people in society. However, Deb really does enjoy the fact that she has acquired Jane's brain and is now smart. There are several moments in the show where you see she is absolutely astonished by this new trait.

The rest of the show revolves around several court cases in which Jane wins, partly by brains and partly by her knowledge of the "shallow" world of people. There is also of course the irony of boyfriend (Grayson) now working in the law firm. Thus, he and Jane will see a lot of each other. Romantic sparks, anyone? However, they will have to get past Kim, the co-worker who we know probably has some tricks up her sleeve. The issue of women and competition is played out between these two characters.

As you can see, there are a variety of themes here. Perhaps, the one that most intrigued me besides how we view body image and stereotypes is the issue of self-esteem. There is a scene in the show where Jane has a client who is getting divorced from her cheating husband. The woman, is a bit dowdy, obviously lacking a lot of self-esteem, and would rather the divorce go away than go through with court. Jane convinces her that she needs to fight and get half of the settlement, that she deserves that. Jane asks her: "How much do you think you are worth?" The woman, unsure, eventually decides she is worth at least half of the settlement. From there, there are some ups and downs, but in the end, the woman allows her self confidence to grow, realizing she does have self worth and is a strong woman who can stand up for herself.

Though the show is cliche-ish, light-hearted, andpredictable, I'm all for showing how society works, how body image is portrayed, why self-esteem is important, etc. Although we know this as a society, I don't think it truly gets ingrained into people's heads why these issues matter. The show reminds me a lot of Ugly Betty but with different career paths.

In general, I think there is some promise for this show. There are humorous moments as well as moments that make us take a look at ourselves and society. The cast is good, but Brooke carries the show for sure. I'll be interested to see how the episodes fare in this season.

Anyone else watch it? What are your thoughts?

Another example of the skewed view of my body

Just when I was about to write a post about how I was struggling with body image and that perhaps I was at my set point, something bizarre happened yesterday. Here's a little back story. Within the past month or so, I've been having terrible neck pain. It's like my neck would rather be disconnected to my head right now as the weight of it feels so heavy. This is causing some headaches which I know is stemming from my neck pain. Along with this, I've also had several incidents of my left hand having numbness, especially after weed eating or dremeling my dogs' nails. Several times, I've woken up to a numb hand. I have no clue what has precipitated either of these things, and it has me a tad worried.

My doctor thinks it is just a pulled muscle in my neck and that my muscle in my arm is basically suffocating my medial nerve. She's hoping with physical therapy that will help release the muscle over the nerve in my hand which will help my neck as well. Though I know PT is expensive (and it is on an individual plan), I really don't have a choice since this really could get worse if I don't have treatment. (Hmm, I'm just thinking of the irony as I write this--how something physical with my body can prompt me to get help so quickly but when it is my head or ED, it takes me forever to seek treatment)

Anyway, that's the back story of why I was there. This Dr. doesn't know about the ED (yes, I know that probably isn't the best thing but I just never felt warranted to say anything since I only see her for orthopedic, muscle problems in relation to running). Being weighed is the first thing they do. At times, I've politely asked not to be, but other times, I hop on there out of curiosity.

Well, the last few weeks have been absolutely horrible body image. I was sure I'd gained more weight than I'm comfortable with since my exercising habits have been virtually non-existent (I realize this can be a good thing at times) and my eating has felt on the verge of bingeing.

The scale read much differently than I'd expected, and I was shocked. My only comment that would have even referenced this was my therapist's when she said how "I looked smaller," which I only brushed off to having my hair in a ponytail. So this number doesn't make sense to me. I've been eating A LOT, not exercising, my clothes don't feel any differently, and I have felt absolutely huge.

I don't know how to feel about it. Do I feel better that I'm not at the weight I thought I was? Do I feel worse that I still have such skewed body image and that my brain and body are still so disconnected?

That piece of fabric called the bikini

Andrea_owen posted an interesting article on bikinis on twitter. The article was about Zoe Magee, designer of the Zoe Swimwear line in San Francisco. She designs an assortment of different types of bikinis as well as offers a variety of sizes, including separate tops and bottoms.

Zoe considers herself a bikini therapist. People come in and ask her what looks good on them. Apparently, she gives a pretty honest answer, but at the same time helps people to feel good about themselves.

When asked "who can wear a bikini," her answer was, "Anyone can, if they have the attitude and the confidence."

This struck close to home, because I remember at one point in my life, I did have that confidence. There wasn't a care in the world that I sported a bikini in front of all of my classmates at some after school party. Nowadays, I wouldn't be caught dead in one. After having a ubiquitous statement of, "if you lost five pounds, you'd be a knockout" while wearing a bikini in my early teens, that pretty much did it for me. My straps were hung up with no intention of ever wearing a bikini again.

Since then, now going on something like 14 or 15 years, I have not touched a bikini much less any swimwear but on rare occasion. This is mostly to do with awful body shame, self-consciousness, and lack of confidence. I'm always mesmerized by women of any shape or size who can flaunt a bikini with no thought whatsoever. A part of me wishes I could be that woman. A part of me wants to be that woman. A part of me doesn't k now if I have what it takes to be that woman.

So what are your thoughts on bikinis? Are you able to wear it? Do you feel self-conscious or confident in one? (Okay, I realize I may be asking the wrong audience as this may be rhetorical, but please share your comments anyway :-))

Dreams, perceptions, and reality

Before my power went out, I had wanted to write this post. A few weeks ago, I had this dream. I was at my old high school and mingling around. Maybe, this was a reunion but I'm not sure really. I came across this young woman who was a teacher. I did not recognize her but she somehow knew me. Her first words were, "You look too thin." I denied the answer and promptly left. I don't remember what happened after that.

Dreams are an interesting thing. There is such a variety in them. Sometimes, they depict subconscious thoughts underneath the surface. Other times, they are relevant to the present moment, becoming a way to suss out or mill over matters. Some are happy, some are sad and nightmarish, some are just in between, and some don't really have an emotion to evoke. My favorites are the dreams that make absolutely no sense, yet, you still try to figure them out anyway. Example: animals talking.

Then, in a category all its own, are the ED dreams. These are the dreams about food or treatment or your treatment team or the scale or your weight or your body image or the perception of yourself on others or illness or even death. I don't know about you, but these have always been some of the most vivid, memorable dreams for me. They tap into my fears and disillusioned perceptions and always ask "WHY" questions or leave strings unattached.

Fast forward a few weeks at my last therapy session. (I have another post on that in the works) Towards the end of the session, C. asked me how eating and exercising were going. I was honest, told her it was so-so. My exercising had decreased since I had Tovah and the visit with my parents--both good things for the most part. I told her I knew I had lost a little weight back in mid-late December. I only knew since I weighed myself at the fitness center. Of course, when I said the number which was not significant at all, C. claimed it was a lot. I told her I had probably regained most of that weight back anyway since I was exercising less and eating more.

Then, C. said, "You're thinner now than when I remembered you in college. Even today, you look thinner."

Seriously, I was quite shocked. I know my perception is skewed but I also know how my jeans fit around my waist, and they are not as loose as they were then. This should have been a victory for me--not falling down the rabbithole. (or is it pigeonhole?) But instead, it just made me question my perception of reality and wonder if I'll ever be able to see too thin, thin, normal, and fat, at least on myself that is. Has the eating disorder forever scarred my perception?

What's your take? For those recovered/in recovery, are you able to see the dimensions or your own body or the perceptions others see?

Related perception posts:
Perceptions and body image
Perceptions and our pets

Perceptual illusions of body swapping

Awhile back, I posted on some research about the rubber hand illusion. Now, researchers are looking at not only just a limb of the body, but the entire body as a perceptive illusion.

PLoS One

Researchers at the Karolinska Institute induced these "out of body" experiences in a group of healthy volunteers through various visual and tactile stimulation experiments. The first several experiments involved a mannequin which was used as the perceptual "other body." Two small cameras were placed on the mannequin's head which were hooked up to small screens positioned in front of the participants' eyes. This gave the illusion that participants' were looking through the eyes of the mannequin. Therefore, if the subjects tilted their heads down, they only saw the mannequin's.body and not their own.

Then, the researchers stroked both the subjects' and mannequin's bodies at the same time. The participants were able to see the stroking via the cameras on the mannequin, however, not their own. Questionnaires taken after this test showed that participants felt the mannequin's body was their own and sensed the touching of the abdomen on the mannequin.

To test the physiological response of owning another's body, researchers measured the skin conductance response, an indicator of stress that the polygraph lie detector test reads, of participants after threatening the mannequin body by "cutting" its abdomen. They observed there was a higher SCR (skin conductance response) when the mannequin was threatened with a knife.

Then, as a way to test whether participants could "body swap," they had experimenters wear the cameras which had been on the mannequin. Subjects were asked to take hold of the experimenter's hand and continuously squeeze. This set-up allowed the subjects to be able to see both parts of their own body as well as the other experimenter. The results indicated the participants felt the experimenter's arm was their own, like they were shaking hands with themselves.

Similar repetitive tests of threatening the experimenter's body (in this case, their hands) with a knife were done and the SCR tested. They found that the SCR results were again significant when the knife was threatening the experimenter's hand.

These series of experiments indicate how people can perceive both another human body as well as an artificial humanoid body as their own whether they are at a standstill or making voluntary movements. The "ownership" idea is especially evident when there deems a physical threat to the other body as shown through the greater SCR responses.

In the words of the author, "This shows how easy it is to change the brain's perception of the physical self. By manipulating sensory impressions, it's possible to fool the self not only out of its body but into other bodies too."

The implications and uses for this research is far ranging. Everything from body image to phantom limb pain/amputee pain to self-identity to robotics. It is a reminder how malleable our minds are and all the multisensory signals our body uses. For those with distorted body image, the hope is that this research can become a possible therapeutic tool as a way to perceive their bodies with more accuracy.

The full study is published on the online journal Public Library of Sciences and can be read here.

Can pro-anorexia websites be attributed to suicide?

Ever since the publishing of the Newsweek article about Pro-Anorexia websites moving to Facebook, there has been a lot of discussion about the allowance of these groups on such public social domains. Well, now there will be more fury to the fire.

Almost a year ago, a 13-year old girl named Imogen D'Arcy from Leeds, England, committed suicide. In a note found by her parents, it was learned that Imogen had body image issues and felt "fat" and "ugly." Upon investigation, it was found that in the weeks leading up to her death, she frequented pro-anorexia websites and had the lyrics to the song, "Courage" by Superchick on her computer.

Her mother's take on the pro-anorexia websites: "Imogen accessed internet suicide sites on her computer and whilst these were not the root cause of her suicidal thoughts, these sites provided her with the means and guaranteed the success of her actions."

I think this is a tragic case, and it is obvious, there must have been a lot going on in this young girl's life. Perhaps if she had received treatment (none of the articles said she had as it seemed her parents were not aware to what she was feeling), she could have been helped. (Another article here about pro-anorexia websites and this case. Warning: images may be triggering)

I certainly agree with her mother that the pro-anorexia websites cannot be blamed for D'Arcy's already suicidal thoughts, but I think there is real fear with discovering the "means." Now, I know most people going to these websites are not looking at ways to kill themselves, but rather want to be in a place where they feel others understand them and/or are looking for tips to lose weight. Still however, it's the whole idea that these types of things can be taken too far, and especially for someone already in an unstable state both emotionally and physically.

So where do we draw the line?

Over the years there have been several controversial books about suicide. One rose to number 1 on the New York Times Bestseller List after its publishment and is now in its third edition. However, that book has been banned in France, though is available in 12 languages. Another book was pulled from the market after it seemed like a "how-to" manual.

I don't know what the best options are here as it seems like nothing is a win-win situation as people are desperate for information. In the end, if someone is in the mindset of suicide, they find a way.

If you are suicidal, please call a hotline or speak to someone you trust.

Related post: study on anorexia and suicide

*Note: I'd normally post the links about the books mentioned above, but I do NOT feel comfortable with this.

Friday socialization

After my successful night at orientation, I went home, fixed a small dinner, found myself still hungry, and then binged on animal crackers. Why? I think it was mostly from being tired and not really having a clue what I was doing. I find when I've had these occurrences in the past, it's almost like going into a trance-like state. You forget what just happened, then reality suddenly kicks in gear, and then you feel awful about it. This time, well, honestly, I was too freaking tired to think about it and promptly went to sleep.

Of course today (Thursday) rolled around, and I was still tired, remembered the cracker binge, and felt bloated and fat all day. So much for all that positive thinking from my last post. But fear not, I have remembered to try to keep things positive, not berate myself, nor find suitable punishment.

So I'm convincing myself to keep my lunch get together with my former physical therapist. We had planned on this last week, and I was excited to catch up with her. Plus, we're meeting at a Thai restaurant. I have not been to this restaurant, so I have no clue about the food, the place, the cost, etc., but I figure it will all work out. If worse comes to worse, it is only an hour and there is always the possibility of another place.

In the middle of the week, I almost thought about canceling, because a) I was worried about being late. The last time we got together, I felt horrible for being late, so I am determined not to be this time. I actually timed different routes to see which one was fastest. I know I will have to leave work a little early and am praying that all my clients come on time. And b) I felt too fat to go. Logically, I know she does not care about the latter, it's just one of those things that runs through my head whenever there is any kind of event.

I'm really trying to keep a positive look on this and remind myself it's not about the food, but about socializing despite my not so hot body thoughts rights now. Wish me luck. I'll report back how everything went.

Happy Friday!

Perceptions and our pets

I'm on a roll with thinking about body perceptions and how we perceive them. This next post is about how we view body image in our four-legged friends. Yes, I know this may sound odd, but again, I'm wondering if those of us with body image issues have a different ideal for our pets than the rest of the population. Are we able to distinguish between thin, normal, overweight, obese in our pets? Are we more vigilant about our pets' health even though we compromise our own? I'm seriously not trying to dumb anyone down, so I hope these questions aren't offensive. They really do have a point.

Recently, my boss loaned me her back issues of BARk magazine, a magazine of modern dog culture. It's actually a fairly interesting magazine with a wide variety of topics. In this 2006 issue, it discussed canine obesity and how it was mostly a human perception problem. According to this article, 34 percent of dogs are overweight but only 30 to 40 percent of their human caretakers realize it. This 2005 study about the prevalence and risk factors for obesity in dogs and cats (may have been the same one the article used) also said how vet practitioners commonly underreported animals who were overweight or obese.

So how are pets assessed for obesity? Well, since there isn't a BMI calculation, it becomes more individualistic. At times, it is obvious to see the body condition of an animal and tell whether it is too thin or overweight. However, if there is a lot of fur, this can easily deceive the pet owner. The standard measurement is to check their bodies around the ribs. An ideal pet has a small layer of fat over the rib bones, however, the rib bones are sufficiently felt. Usually , a "waist" is also easily visible. Pets who on the thin side can have rib, spine, or hip bones easily felt since there is no fat. Pets who are overweight or obese, none of these can be felt without some pressure.

Like humans, there are various reasons why pets gain weight. Genetics of certain breeds, reproductive status (spayed and neutered), hormones, and their human/canine lifestyle (think lack of exercise for many companion animals) are all reasons for weight gain. In reality, it's quite amazing how much our four-legged friends resemble many of the same characteristics as humans, including similar diseases like diabetes type 1 and 2, cancer, hypothyroidism, Cushings's, disease, etc. In animals who are overweight or obese, problems such as osteoarthritis, respiratory, cardiovascular, and dermatological can occur. Some studies have also shown a correlation with high body fat mass and longevity in dogs. (AVMA collections of obesity)

As the reports of obesity in pets has risen over the years, new weight loss products have come onto the market. Slentrol which debuted in 2007 was the first to be approved by the FDA. The key mechanisms are reduced appetite and fat absorption. Though this is the only actual medication for dogs and obesity, there are other products labeled as "natural" to help your pet. lose weight. I'm sure, just like humans, there will be other drugs researched as well. Although I have not heard of gastric by-pass surgery for pets, there are people who have actually asked about it! It's kind of a scary thought.

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Now, that I've given some background information, let's look at human perception versus dog perception. Something funny that Dr. Marty Becker, a well known veterinarian, said in an article for The Whole Pet was,

"No pet is going to catch sight of himself in the mirror and see that hairy derriere and say 'That's it! No more Scooby snacks for me!' There is no canine bikini season, and they don't try to get into last year's jeans and find they don't fit."

Animals for the most part do not have an image problem like humans do.One question I've seen asked is if animals can be anorexic? Yes, anorexic in the medical sense of losing appetite. The nervosa part, however, is not obtainable.

In most cases in terms of eating, it's about survival. There's the line, "dogs eat to live not live to eat." For the most part, it's true, although sometimes I question it as some dog sand cats do appear to live to eat. For some if they could have as much food as they wanted sitting right in front of them, they would eat it in a heartbeat and not think about it or have "guilt-associated" feelings with it. For many, the time elapsed between eating too much and an actual ill event is too long to make an associative cause since they do not have a "conscience." Whenever I think about this, I am reminded of one of my own dogs who ate five pounds of chicken in a sitting or two pounds of organ meat in less than five minutes or the dog I knew who ate over a pound of candy, then suffered an allergic reaction, only to still eat its dinner twenty minutes later. All of them looked like they had a "guilty" feeling, but in reality, it was only because they didn't feel well, or they reacted to their human. In the case of my own dogs, I was pretty upset with them.

So where am I going with this? As I posed the question earlier about whether those of us with body image issues are more vigilant about our pets' health, do we perceive the same thing as the average, normal dog/cat owners? Are we different? Are we more sympathetic to an animal who may be underweight or overweight? I guess I'm asking these questions, because I think of myself and how I perceive my own dogs and the animals I have cared for over the years.

In the almost eight years now that I've worked in a kennel environment, there have been a variety of sizes, breeds, and ages that I've seen. Many have been normal weight, well taken care of, some underweight, and others overweight. In the cases where dogs were underweight and overweight, I do ask their owners whether they realize this (it's of course in a polite way) and how much food they are giving their dogs. Some owners do realize this, say they've tried getting them to lose weight/gain weight to no avail, others have tried different foods, and still others are truly oblivious to the problem or dare I say it, they will tell me their vet said the dog looked fine. I've seen it where you can practically count the number of vertebrae on the spine, or where there is no "waist" in a dog, and that is okay? I've often asked myself how a professional could not see that? But then again, I question my perception at times since my view tends to be skewed.

I remember another case of a dog who hadn't been boarded in three or so months. When she came, I was absolutely shocked at her appearance. This was a dog who normally was about five or so pounds overweight and supposed to be a show dog even though she was already six years old. The dog had probably lost a good twenty to twenty five pounds. She was so thin it aged her in that amount of time. Her face was sunken, her ribs and spine could be counted, and she was so cold, needing a sweater in the fall, typically the season most dogs enjoy. I did inquire about what happened, and the owners only said that she was being trained some place in FL, and that they were being more strict with her food, not giving table scraps and such. I told them my concern and thought she needed labs run. I honestly don't know whether they had the labs run or not. I do think that they maybe realized there really was a problem. Now, she is at the appropriate weight where she should be at which is a good thing.

Another case on the opposite spectrum is my dad's wife's dog. C. is a shih tzu-poo. He weighs in at something like 35 or so pounds. He is by standards way overweight. After realizing that the early influence of his weight was their own fault--many many treats were given, they cut back and gave healthier options. They also realized his weight was a problem when he could no longer enjoy long walks with them and his stamina was much lowered. They tried reducing his meals, they took him to an endocrinologist to have labs run as well as their vet. His thyroid was borderline, the Cushing's Test turned out negative, he had some liver problems, and he had arthritis in his knees. One specialist said he just had a "fat economic" gene, so he couldn't lose weight. They also tried swimming, but everything was to no avail and now they've just given up. Sure, he's a happy dog, but it is obvious he can't keep up with his two housemates.

Another case is with one my mom's dog who is a king charles cavalier spaniel. L. turn three this December I believe. Last year she had some knee issues. It turned out to be a luxating patella (kneecap moves in and out of place) which was more than likely genetic. The vet wanted to do surgery, but L. weighed in at somewhere between 22-25 pounds. She wasn't grossly overweight, but enough that the vet did not want to do surgery until she got her weight lower. He decided to put her on slentrol. The first few months, she didn't lose weight but probably gained instead. My mother said it was more due to the fact that she received so many treats. The treats were a way for her to stop barking at her dad when he wanted to play a computer game instead (similar to the kid who wants something, and in the end the parent gives in and gets them the item). L. also likes food a lot and will shove her way past the other 3 cavaliers to try to eat their share as well as intimidate one while she eats her food. An additional few months later, L. did lose some weight. My mom, however, said she was really wasn't sure whether it was the medication or just the fact that they had reduced her treat intake. She did notice that L. felt better, and they are now adding some exercise.

None of these people have eating disorders, though a few do have body image concerns, and one I'd say has BED. Still though, many didn't perceive their pets to have a problem whereas I noticed these things right away. Is it the fact I work with dogs everyday or that I'm more attuned to what a dog should look like? Or are my perceptions clouded by my own experiences?

I do remember one client who actually mentioned she had recovered from an eating disorder and had taken in a stray dog. She was concerned about her eating, saying she once knew what it felt like to starve and didn't want the poor dog to feel that. The dog was in no way overweight, but could it have been if her fear of not letting the dog starve got in the way of what was healthy for the dog?

I hope this post doesn't offend. It's just something I've thought about through my observations of dogs and their people. I think for the most part humans love their pets. There are countless things our four-legged companions do for us., but we, as their caretakers, do need to ensure their safety, health, and well being on all levels physically and emotionally.

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On a completely different note, this story recently surfaced with a man being charged on cruelty for allowing his dog to become obese.
Another case last week showed a cat, now dubbed "Prince Chunk" who was found homeless in NJ. (owner's house was being foreclosed) The cat is obese weighing just short of 2 pound on the Guiness Book of World records. The cat has been vet checked and is okay and will be adopted out. The sad thing is that so many people want to adopt the cat since seeing it on television, forgetting about all the other homeless pets out there that need a home.

Perceptions and body image

I've been thinking about body image and perceptions lately. We all know that many of us who have/had eating disorders more or less have a skewed perception of ourselves. Much of the time we can't see how others perceive us. Someone may say we are thin when we think/feel the complete opposite. Or maybe not even think fat but that we need to lose weight, etc.

I've often wondered how/if our perceptions of what is thin/fat has changed compared to other people who have not had eating disorders. Is our definition different? Do we tend to think that someone is too thin whom others would consider "normal?" Or someone whose definition of fat we consider "normal?" Are we just more sensitive to the rest of the general population biased by our own experiences?

In a recent BBC article, it said that adults (Britons) misjudge weight problems. According to the article, just over half (53%) were overweight or obese with only 75% identifying themselves as overweight. This was opposed to 1999 when 43% were classified as overweight or obese and 81% identified themselves that way.

One of the researchers in this article made a few interesting points in that the idea of "normal" for what is considered overweight may have changed. Another factor was that the media often showed those who had very high BMI, thus making people think only if they reached this size were they overweight. Hmm, does this all sound familiar but switch overweight to "thin" and high BMI to "very low BMI?"

I guess I'm just wondering what other people's thoughts are about their perceptions of themselves and other people in terms of body image. For me, I do think having dealt with eating disorders has changed my definitions of the various spectrum of sizes of people. I know I'm more sensitive to any type of body image talk whether it be someone who is too skinny to someone who is obese.

However, yet, at the same time, I can also see the viewpoint of healthcare professionals, though they have unfortunately exaggerated the "epidemic." My opinion is that this would not have been considered had the BMI guidelines remained the same. This article in the Washington Post discussed the possible repercussions when the changes were first made to lower the overweight threshold from 27.8 to 25. I guess I wonder what would have happened if things had been left alone. Would we really be talking about this "obesity epidemic?" And again, how would that have changed how we perceived what is thin/normal/overweight?

America the Beautiful revisited

Since my last post talked about a new documentary being filmed on eating disorders and self mutilation, I thought I'd briefly mention again America the Beautiful. I wrote about this film back in April here.

The film has already been shown in Chicago with good response as well as the Minneapolis "Emily Program," a comprehensive treatment program for eating disorders. It will be making its premiere in New York on August 1, 2008. Then it will be heading to the west coast at the end of the month. After that, it's premiering in a number of other large cities around the country. To find out more locations, look at their website America the Beautiful documentary.

In May, Roger Ebert reviewed the film, saying that the film "carries a persuasive message." Another article in the New York Sun also talks more in detail about the film as well as interviewing the director.

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I'm finding it highly interesting that within the last few years there seems to have been an increased number of films out about body image, eating disorders, and the beauty industry. I think it's very telling of the state of society in general. Even with all the studies out on these topics and the efforts made for awareness, I think there is still the question of WHY. Logically, the answers are there with contributing factors of nature and nurture. However, the reasons still seem to plague people. Beyond that, researching, observing, and evaluating effective treatments is still a pressing issue that warrants more attention.

The Century Project

Going along with the previous entry about body image, here is another book that celebrates women of all ages and their bodies. This is called the "Century Project."

image: amazon.com

The photographer is Frank Cordelle. In this collection of photos, it shows women from the age 0 to 100. Each has a personal statement--some saying why they chose to be included in the project, what it meant to them, or just prose or poetry for how they may be feeling, etc. The reasons vary but each has their own purpose.

I actually saw this exhibit a number of years ago when I was in college. It was a very moving, thought provoking experience. At that time, I felt a bit more optimistic about my body image and felt inspired. It was one of my goals to actually do a project like this.

It's weird when I think about all this, because there was a time in my life when I did celebrate my body--the beauty, athleticism, musculature. I remember telling my father that I wanted someone to sculpt a nude bronze figure of me. Now, I can barely fathom that thought. I'm not sure what happened between then and now, but yet, I'm still discovering to find that piece of me again.

The Full Body Project

I was listening to an archived "Here on earth" podcast from WPR entitled "The Full Body Project." Jean Feraca, the host, was speaking with Leonard Nimoy (yes Spock!) about his book The Full Body Project.

image: amazon.com

It's a series of black and white photos of nude full bodied women. I took a look of some of the photos here and found the photos quite interesting. Several of the photos resemble famous photos and paintings by renowned artists like Matisse, Raphael, Duchamp, and Herbert Ritts. However, more than this, it's the subjects that are captivating. These subjects are women who are part of the Fat-Bottom Revue, a group promoting size acceptance. This is something that is evident in these photos--the comfortableness with their size, their bodies, themselves.

Personally, I admire this type of work and anyone who can pull it off. In a society where we still covet thinness and have become in a sense "fat phobic," this is just refreshing to see. Whether someone is fat or thin or in between, it is about feeling OKAY with yourself just the way it is. I hope more people can reach this goal, including myself one day.

For more interviews on Leonard Nimoy and this project, click here and here