Missing things...

Despite the fact that I've been insanely busy the last few weeks and my anxiety is slightly increasing over my work facility actually opening, I've noticed I've just been missing things lately. I hate to admit it, but I'm still saddened by Baxter's passing away. I don't have gushing, all out tears anymore, but I still think of him often, like on a walk, imagine him doing his "Boxer burn" through the yard, barking to want to come in, giving me his paw to hold, bringing me the remote and dog bowls, laying his head right beside mine at night, and many other nuances he had and become teary. I don't fault myself for my struggle, but sometimes I think I should be further along than I am. Having his ashes wasn't as healing as I had hoped, so as spring is here, I will be making my own memorial to Baxter by planting an Eastern White Pine tree (one of his favorite) with surrounding wildflowers in my yard and making a photo/video montage to him. I'm hoping to complete it by what would have been his 11th birthday in June.

I'm also missing my old therapist whom I referred to as "C" here. The other day, someone posted a comment on the blog with her name, and just for a moment, I thought it might have been her. I doubted it but checked in my stats anyway. I wrote C. back in January but have not since then, afraid of appearing too needy or clingy. I've thought about seeing another therapist, but I'm not really sure what it would be for. My eating issues are more manageable these days (there' s always room for improvement), I no longer feel depressed like I once was, there isn't a "crisis" moment right now or a feeling that my life looks bleak,(still get moments of the whole existential anxiety though), my relationship with my family is better overall, I've worked through some of my trauma issues, so they no longer feel like a black cloud over my head, and begun dating again. This is all good, positive stuff that I once thought would never happen to me. This is what any therapist would want from their client--to move on, gain their wings and fly.

But yet, I still miss C. (and probably therapy too) I miss that interaction of talking to her about my deepest feelings, someone to counteract what I may be thinking, even if it was just for a moment, someone to make me think more about my actions/feelings, etc. I hope this doesn't come across as a transference thing, because that is not it. I'd known C. off and on for ten years, and this last round of therapy with her was one of the most meaningful (the other when I first saw her in college).

Maybe I'm just missing the safety of it all--the safety of therapy, the safety I felt with C., the safety of letting my guard down with no guilt or worries.

**********

On a happy note, I'm thinking about getting a bunny!

Note--*I've changed the blog template. I wanted something a little more bright. Unfortunately, blogger kept giving me errors with changing my font color, so I'm manually going through every post and changing it. Therefore, if you are looking through older archives, I have not gotten to changing it yet.

Can't stop crying

Well, apparently, little Tovah actually belonged to someone. This literally happened 30 minutes or so ago. The guy who said he was my neighbor asked if I'd seen a little dog that he was missing that looked like Tovah. She was out with me on the porch, so he immediately saw her. He said they had not had her very long and missed her. Then, I heard his two kids in the car yell out, "Dad, is that Sparkles?"

My heart sank. I questioned him as far as how she had gotten out, told him what a lovely temperament she had, how I had started training her, etc. I hate to judge, but he was keeping an eight week old puppy outdoors since she wasn't fully house trained and his work schedule doesn't allow for him to come let her out in the middle of the day. He also feels like dogs should be primarily outdoors dogs from what it sounded like.

I really had no choice since Tovah belonged to them. What was I going to do but give her up. I mean he had two kids. Was it fair to them to take her way? I know he hadn't had her very long at all--it sounded like maybe a few days.

After I shut the door, I just began to bawl and am still continuing to do so. I never thought I'd be so upset. Maybe if it had only been a few days, even a week maybe, it would have been different. And now, I just can't stop crying. I know this will pass, but I'm just drowning in emotion.

Right after this happened, my father calls. Not a great time to call. Though he tried to comfort me, all he said was I did the right thing. I guess so perhaps, but I also know that the home she had here was a great one.

Since I guess he is my neighbor or something, yes, there is still the chance of possibly seeing her, but it won't be the same. There is the saying that you have to let some things go, and if they come back, then it was meant to be. Maybe that will be the case with Tovah, maybe not. But in the end, all I can believe in is that there was a reason for this happening.

Nonetheless, I'm just broken with emotion right now.

Meltdown

I don't know how many of you are familiar with canine body language, but it's really quite essential for dogs and humans. Most times, people do not read canine body language well, and wind up miscommunicating with the animal. This can result in snapping , biting, dog fighting, and a number of other possibilities. The topic itself is way too much information to explain here, but there are many good dog books out there with photo illustrations. If anyone is interested, feel free to e-mail me for some titles.

But the one I want to mention here is FEAR, because that's how I'm feeling.

The picture of this puppy here is a good example of fear. If you look closely, you can see what we call the "whale eye" of a dog, similar to the white part of the eye of a whale. Dogs present this when they are fearful. They look through the sides of their eyes rather than turning their whole head which is the more normal response for dogs.

Yesterday's therapy session wound up being mostly about fear. This conference cemented the fact that I'm so fearful of the future, what to do, what not to do, etc. Much of this is my own doing I admit. It would be way too hard to explain here, but those of you who know me better, will probably understand. C. asked me about the fear, and I had the absolute hardest time talking about it. I sat there trying desperately to hold back my tears, quivering in the process of even trying to articulate anything. It was like a meltdown, one I have not had in a very long time. Even C. said she could see the massive amount of fear I had in my eyes which is surprising since I had such a difficult time even looking at her. I tend to get that way when I'm talking about really hard things.

I left with her asking me whether I wanted to come back which I found odd? I told her I did, and we set up the appt. for next week. She asked me to drive a different route again, but I just couldn't. I was very tired and wrecked emotionally. I could barely keep it together in the grocery store and just wanted to get home to cry in private honestly. I didn't cry, but wound up sleeping for several hours and then doing nothing the rest of the day but edit photos from the conference.

It's like I can make progress in other areas of my life but this one has a huge stop sign in front of me. Even when C. uses metaphors of being in a big pool and sticking your toe in before jumping all the way in, I feel like even when I do that, it still doesn't make me feel any more confident. And I don't know what will give me confidence.

Within the past several weeks, I've been digging around as to certain aspects of my fears and my job which is of course all good and well, but it's now finding a way to move beyond them. And this is where I falter. I honestly don't think it's because I'm stubborn, it really is about the FEAR. I know that may sound like there is an easy fix, but I think you can get to a point when it is much more complicated.

Right now, I'm just feeling so broken in many ways that it hurts so immensely. It's like I can see myself from the outside, and feel such sadness for myself (not in a pity way). I see many people around me capable of moving on with their lives even through many difficulties, so why do I have such a hard time with it?

:sigh: Every time I even think about this subject, all I want to do is cry, and I am seriously not a crier. Yesterday was a really hard day and today doesn't feel any better.

Sorry for the sad post. I'm just majorly down.