Today's therapy appt. made me think about recovery and what my goals really are. Sure, it is to be ED-free, but it's not as simple as that.
I was telling her about my fear of "post-marathon" blues. You know it's kind of like the "post-vacation" blues, where you feel depressed and know that you're going back to your old life whatever that may be, except that it becomes worry about backsliding into eating disorder behaviors. I was truly honest with C. and told her that I think one reason why I've done "better" (this is in the context of the last few years) for the last ten months is because my eventual goals were to run marathons.
I felt so hypocritical after saying it, like recovery should be more than just about running marathons. I said to her half-tearful that "I don't want to have a marathon planned in order to allow myself to eat. I want it to be about being healthy and feeling okay with myself." She completely understood what I was saying, but then said and I'm paraphrasing here, "you know what, if it takes planning a marathon year after year to continue to eat, then maybe that's what you need right now until it becomes about health. I know you'd rather it (recovery) be for intrinsic reasons rather than external ones, but you're just not at that point yet."
I'm not sure how to feel about everything she said. On one hand, it's all true, but on the other, I just feel like I'm such a let down and loser. I know external validation from wherever it comes from can only go so far. You have to get to a point of wanting and creating internal validation or else, you'll continue to keep running in circles. Circles don't end, they're continuous. Lines, goals, and paths end, and that's where I'm hoping to eventually be--on the recovered end.
Showing posts with label marathons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marathons. Show all posts
Monday, October 13, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Hi from Virginia
I just wanted to check in and say hello from Virginia. The drive on Friday went fairly well--no rain which is always a good thing. I wound up not getting there until 8:30 PM, but at least I got there safely. On Saturday, we all headed up to Corning, NY. There was a bit of "ego" about driving and directions, so the drive was longer than expected. I missed the registration for that day but was able to register on Sunday morning before the race which many people also did.
The race itself went really well. I found someone to talk to for the first 8 miles. It was pretty cool, because she was also Korean, adopted, and 28 years old! What a small world! I met all my goals for the race, so I was super proud of that. I missed qualifying for Boston by 4 minutes, but I'm okay with that. The only bad thing was that I wound up with a huge blood blister on my foot!
We headed back to VA after the race, since my mom and her husband needed to be back today. I'm still a bit sleep deprived from not sleeping well at either the hotel nor at my mom's, as well as a little sore. Hopefully, both will be better in the next day or two.
Today, I met with my old high school friend, A. for lunch. We did a lot of catching up about our own lives, high school friends, thoughts about life, etc. It was a good moment, and I'm glad to have gotten the chance to talk with her again. It was interesting, at the end of our visit, we got to talking about body image and such, and I was surprised she asked me whether I had an eating disorder then (in high school). She commented I ate like a "bird" in high school and did at lunch. Instead of denying, hiding, evading the question like I normally do, I found myself to be honest. It was a little "freeing," like I'd been able to carve away a small piece of shame. Now, I don't know how I will feel about it tomorrow, but for today, I felt a little more peace with myself.
Tomorrow, I'm getting my hair cut--probably 8-10 inches. It's nerve-racking since I love my long locks, but it'll be a good change to have my hair different. I'm also meeting with another friend which will be fun. I'll head back Wed. morning and pick up my dogs from the kennel.
The rest of the visit with my parents have been okay, except that my dad has mentioned grad school or some other future school 12 times (yes, I counted) since Friday night. Oh well, for now, I'm trying to instill the 'Least Reinforcing Scenario."
I'll write more in depth when I get back.
The race itself went really well. I found someone to talk to for the first 8 miles. It was pretty cool, because she was also Korean, adopted, and 28 years old! What a small world! I met all my goals for the race, so I was super proud of that. I missed qualifying for Boston by 4 minutes, but I'm okay with that. The only bad thing was that I wound up with a huge blood blister on my foot!
We headed back to VA after the race, since my mom and her husband needed to be back today. I'm still a bit sleep deprived from not sleeping well at either the hotel nor at my mom's, as well as a little sore. Hopefully, both will be better in the next day or two.
Today, I met with my old high school friend, A. for lunch. We did a lot of catching up about our own lives, high school friends, thoughts about life, etc. It was a good moment, and I'm glad to have gotten the chance to talk with her again. It was interesting, at the end of our visit, we got to talking about body image and such, and I was surprised she asked me whether I had an eating disorder then (in high school). She commented I ate like a "bird" in high school and did at lunch. Instead of denying, hiding, evading the question like I normally do, I found myself to be honest. It was a little "freeing," like I'd been able to carve away a small piece of shame. Now, I don't know how I will feel about it tomorrow, but for today, I felt a little more peace with myself.
Tomorrow, I'm getting my hair cut--probably 8-10 inches. It's nerve-racking since I love my long locks, but it'll be a good change to have my hair different. I'm also meeting with another friend which will be fun. I'll head back Wed. morning and pick up my dogs from the kennel.
The rest of the visit with my parents have been okay, except that my dad has mentioned grad school or some other future school 12 times (yes, I counted) since Friday night. Oh well, for now, I'm trying to instill the 'Least Reinforcing Scenario."
I'll write more in depth when I get back.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Events of the next month
I haven't given much of an update about what's coming up in the next month or so. It's actually a fairly busy time both personally and work wise, and there will be a lot to get done.
* My therapy appt. is next Monday. I'm already nervous about seeing Therapist C. after such a long time. Plus, I hate to admit it, but I worry about being "fat." :sigh:
* In 2 1/2 weeks, I'll be running my second marathon in New York. I'm excited but have anxiety over not performing well. My goal is to lower my time from my last marathon in May and to perhaps remember the race better. I hear at this marathon, there is actually champagne at the end of the race. Too bad, I don't drink.
* In 2 weeks, I'll be visiting my parents. This always causes me anxiety, especially because I am so afraid they are going to set up some kind of intervention thing. I would not put it past my father. After all, I've heard he's even written e-mails to Dr. Phil about me. And no, it has nothing to do with any eating disorder.
* In 2 1/2 weeks, I'll also be getting my hair cut. Some of you may remember me posting about my hair and identity issues. It won't be drastic but a lot shorter for me. I'm hoping it will give my hair some more "bounce" and trim all those pesky split ends.
* In mid-October, I'll be attending a large dog conference. I'll be part of the "staff" there which is a lot of work but rewarding. I've been to this conference 4 other times, but it still intimidates the heck out of me. Plus, I never do well with food while I'm there. My goal is to try to challenge myself to eat more while there.
These are all big events for me, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to cope with all the stimulation and not get stressed out to the point of standstill. Hopefully, I'll have a place to relax, breathe, visualize, and cry if need be.
* My therapy appt. is next Monday. I'm already nervous about seeing Therapist C. after such a long time. Plus, I hate to admit it, but I worry about being "fat." :sigh:
* In 2 1/2 weeks, I'll be running my second marathon in New York. I'm excited but have anxiety over not performing well. My goal is to lower my time from my last marathon in May and to perhaps remember the race better. I hear at this marathon, there is actually champagne at the end of the race. Too bad, I don't drink.
* In 2 weeks, I'll be visiting my parents. This always causes me anxiety, especially because I am so afraid they are going to set up some kind of intervention thing. I would not put it past my father. After all, I've heard he's even written e-mails to Dr. Phil about me. And no, it has nothing to do with any eating disorder.
* In 2 1/2 weeks, I'll also be getting my hair cut. Some of you may remember me posting about my hair and identity issues. It won't be drastic but a lot shorter for me. I'm hoping it will give my hair some more "bounce" and trim all those pesky split ends.
* In mid-October, I'll be attending a large dog conference. I'll be part of the "staff" there which is a lot of work but rewarding. I've been to this conference 4 other times, but it still intimidates the heck out of me. Plus, I never do well with food while I'm there. My goal is to try to challenge myself to eat more while there.
These are all big events for me, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to cope with all the stimulation and not get stressed out to the point of standstill. Hopefully, I'll have a place to relax, breathe, visualize, and cry if need be.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Marathon details
Both my marathon and trip to St. Louis went well overall. My parents arrived in town on Friday evening. We all headed to Cincinnati last Saturday, checked into the hotel, and then headed to the Expo. The Expo was very nice, though there were tons of people. There, I picked up my registration packet, chip time, and all the cool free goodies. I was surprised by the chip time, because it's so small. It goes on your shoelace and tracks your time during the event. The nice thing about it is that it doesn't officially start until you cross the start line. As a premium gift, all the registrants got a nice duffle bag. The only bad part about that is that the material is very "pet hair attractable." After purchasing some Pig memorabilia and running apparel, we took a drive around the majority of the course. It was nice to do, so I got a feel for the hills I'd be running which were not as steep as the ones I train on but longer. If you've never been to Cincinnati, there are some beautiful parts in the city.
We went to dinner a little later than I expected, not eating until around 9:45 PM or so. There were tons of restaurants t o choose from on the Riverfront, but all had long wait lines. We wound up choosing an Asian restaurant which was the closest to what I normally eat. By the time we got out, it was around 11 PM.
With a wake up time of 4:45 AM, this didn't provide for a lot of sleep, but I doubt anyone got much since the race time began at 6:30 AM. We all headed out about 5:15 AM to go to the start line. I saw several people from my hotel also leaving. Along the way, we saw a deer in the middle of downtown Cincinnati! That was quite surprising to say the least. Parking was a bit hectic, but we managed to get there around 6:10 AM or so. I have to admit, I was interested to see what people were wearing as these events do attract interesting garb. I saw a number of runners wear trash bags to keep warm. I couldn't see much from the whole crowds of people but did see some interesting attire on the run, including a lot of pink everywhere, some guy with butt cheeks attached to his rear (I think it was supposed to look like a pig's rear?), and pink ears and tutus.
I said goodbye to my parents and went to find the pace group I intended to run with and waited with them. I made some small talk with a few women while waiting. One thing is that there is such an energy, adrenaline rush at an event like this. Music was blaring through the speakers, everyone talking, stretching, etc. Then there is an announcement that the race is delayed by 15 minutes due to a fire. Officials had to reroute the course and were told that everyone running the marathon was running at least 26.2 miles but no one knew how much further until after the race when the course would be remeasured. (It wound up being an extra 0.2514 mile)
The gun went off at 6:45 AM, and the first corral group started to run. Slowly, the rest of the runners began as we all inched our way to the start line as "Eye of the Tiger" blared over the speakers. There was a huge rush of energy both from so much excitement, being a part of something this big, and knowing you were running for so long. The first mile or two, there was a lot of people running into everyone. I think I must have said "sorry" quite a few times. After that, it began to thin out and runners were finding their pace. I ran with two other women for the first 5 miles and chatted with them. It did make those 5 miles incredibly fast. Upon mile 6 was where the hills began which went for another 2.5 miles. This was the part of the race many were worried about, including me. Surprisingly, I picked up pace on these hills. They felt a lot easier than I expected. Before I knew it, the hill portion was done. I felt absolutely great and my pace was quite good for me.
At the halfway point of 13.1 miles, I was still feeling really good and had a personal record for me for that distance. I was super happy with this, although it did cross my mind that had I done the half marathon, I'd be done now. Still, I continued to run and ran fairly comfortably. I even caught up to one of the women I had chatted with at the start of the race. Everything was great and then I died at about mile 20. It was like everything was completely depleted from me. I had hit the "WALL," the worst fear of many runners. I found myself slowing down and beginning to walk through the fluid stations. Every mile felt incredibly LONG and I kept waiting to see the next mile marker which felt forever. I kept thinking that the mile marker must be close when it was still a ways off. I was seriously fatigued and felt like I was going to pass out. At this point, I did see runners take walk breaks, others stretching, etc. So everyone was feeling it towards the end.
I don't quite remember the last part well as I felt so out of it. I know that somewhere around mile 21, the pace group I started with and left behind had now caught up with me and passed me. It seemed everyone was passing me, but at this point, I just wanted to finish without passing out. Somewhere close to the end, one of the other women I talked to during the first 5 miles, caught up with me. Well, I admit, I had a little surge of competitive feeling and sprinted the last 0.25 mile towards the "swine finish" and edged her out. There was no doubt a feeling of relief of finishing but at the same time I had hoped I for some stellar feeling at the end. I had imagined the moment in "Rocky" when Adrian ran those steps in Philly. That was the feeling I wanted. Instead, I was a little out of it, not remembering it well. After that, there were all these refreshments for the runners, cool freebies, and medallions for all who completed the race. I was still out of it, moving from table to table chucking things into my bag. A volunteer asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine and then grabbed for a banana which did make me feel better.
Finding my parents through the crowd was difficult. I think it was probably at least 20 minutes before they found me. It was estimated over the weekend that there were over 120,000 just in spectators alone! After one of my family members found me, we had to find my dad without my mom freaking out. She tends to get like that. We eventually got everyone together, took some photos, and then headed to parking and the hotel.
We got everything ready and then began the trip to St. Louis. I was no doubt sore and was worried about being more stiff due to the car ride. I elevated my feet, did some reading in the car as well as snoozing too I think. We took a few rest stops as well, so that was helpful.
Overall, the marathon experience was great. The race was really well organized. All the volunteers were helpful and put in a lot of work. I thanked them whenever I got water or gatorade. The crowd, fan, and entertainment support was awesome. I can definitely tell now why this is a favorite marathon among many runners. Although it is listed as the 24th largest marathon, it doesn't feel as huge as it seems. My only regret was that I didn't meet more people.
I truly am glad with my time but just know that I can do better with more training. Knowing that I was on pace with an easy sub 4 hour marathon up until the end of the race, gives me a little more confidence. I think Boston is reachable! That's my new goal. :-)
We went to dinner a little later than I expected, not eating until around 9:45 PM or so. There were tons of restaurants t o choose from on the Riverfront, but all had long wait lines. We wound up choosing an Asian restaurant which was the closest to what I normally eat. By the time we got out, it was around 11 PM.
With a wake up time of 4:45 AM, this didn't provide for a lot of sleep, but I doubt anyone got much since the race time began at 6:30 AM. We all headed out about 5:15 AM to go to the start line. I saw several people from my hotel also leaving. Along the way, we saw a deer in the middle of downtown Cincinnati! That was quite surprising to say the least. Parking was a bit hectic, but we managed to get there around 6:10 AM or so. I have to admit, I was interested to see what people were wearing as these events do attract interesting garb. I saw a number of runners wear trash bags to keep warm. I couldn't see much from the whole crowds of people but did see some interesting attire on the run, including a lot of pink everywhere, some guy with butt cheeks attached to his rear (I think it was supposed to look like a pig's rear?), and pink ears and tutus.
I said goodbye to my parents and went to find the pace group I intended to run with and waited with them. I made some small talk with a few women while waiting. One thing is that there is such an energy, adrenaline rush at an event like this. Music was blaring through the speakers, everyone talking, stretching, etc. Then there is an announcement that the race is delayed by 15 minutes due to a fire. Officials had to reroute the course and were told that everyone running the marathon was running at least 26.2 miles but no one knew how much further until after the race when the course would be remeasured. (It wound up being an extra 0.2514 mile)
The gun went off at 6:45 AM, and the first corral group started to run. Slowly, the rest of the runners began as we all inched our way to the start line as "Eye of the Tiger" blared over the speakers. There was a huge rush of energy both from so much excitement, being a part of something this big, and knowing you were running for so long. The first mile or two, there was a lot of people running into everyone. I think I must have said "sorry" quite a few times. After that, it began to thin out and runners were finding their pace. I ran with two other women for the first 5 miles and chatted with them. It did make those 5 miles incredibly fast. Upon mile 6 was where the hills began which went for another 2.5 miles. This was the part of the race many were worried about, including me. Surprisingly, I picked up pace on these hills. They felt a lot easier than I expected. Before I knew it, the hill portion was done. I felt absolutely great and my pace was quite good for me.
At the halfway point of 13.1 miles, I was still feeling really good and had a personal record for me for that distance. I was super happy with this, although it did cross my mind that had I done the half marathon, I'd be done now. Still, I continued to run and ran fairly comfortably. I even caught up to one of the women I had chatted with at the start of the race. Everything was great and then I died at about mile 20. It was like everything was completely depleted from me. I had hit the "WALL," the worst fear of many runners. I found myself slowing down and beginning to walk through the fluid stations. Every mile felt incredibly LONG and I kept waiting to see the next mile marker which felt forever. I kept thinking that the mile marker must be close when it was still a ways off. I was seriously fatigued and felt like I was going to pass out. At this point, I did see runners take walk breaks, others stretching, etc. So everyone was feeling it towards the end.
I don't quite remember the last part well as I felt so out of it. I know that somewhere around mile 21, the pace group I started with and left behind had now caught up with me and passed me. It seemed everyone was passing me, but at this point, I just wanted to finish without passing out. Somewhere close to the end, one of the other women I talked to during the first 5 miles, caught up with me. Well, I admit, I had a little surge of competitive feeling and sprinted the last 0.25 mile towards the "swine finish" and edged her out. There was no doubt a feeling of relief of finishing but at the same time I had hoped I for some stellar feeling at the end. I had imagined the moment in "Rocky" when Adrian ran those steps in Philly. That was the feeling I wanted. Instead, I was a little out of it, not remembering it well. After that, there were all these refreshments for the runners, cool freebies, and medallions for all who completed the race. I was still out of it, moving from table to table chucking things into my bag. A volunteer asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine and then grabbed for a banana which did make me feel better.
Finding my parents through the crowd was difficult. I think it was probably at least 20 minutes before they found me. It was estimated over the weekend that there were over 120,000 just in spectators alone! After one of my family members found me, we had to find my dad without my mom freaking out. She tends to get like that. We eventually got everyone together, took some photos, and then headed to parking and the hotel.
We got everything ready and then began the trip to St. Louis. I was no doubt sore and was worried about being more stiff due to the car ride. I elevated my feet, did some reading in the car as well as snoozing too I think. We took a few rest stops as well, so that was helpful.
Overall, the marathon experience was great. The race was really well organized. All the volunteers were helpful and put in a lot of work. I thanked them whenever I got water or gatorade. The crowd, fan, and entertainment support was awesome. I can definitely tell now why this is a favorite marathon among many runners. Although it is listed as the 24th largest marathon, it doesn't feel as huge as it seems. My only regret was that I didn't meet more people.
I truly am glad with my time but just know that I can do better with more training. Knowing that I was on pace with an easy sub 4 hour marathon up until the end of the race, gives me a little more confidence. I think Boston is reachable! That's my new goal. :-)
Friday, May 9, 2008
Marathon done
Just a quick post since I've got to go. I got back into town Wed. evening. The marathon itself went great. I'm satisfied with my time but definitely know I can do better. I finished in the top third out of almost 4,800 finishers overall. I'll have more details later about the race, my trip to St. Louis, and all my thoughts in between.
Oh yes, and I can affirmatively say that I did not end up like those people in the video I posted about after the marathon. Surprisingly, by yesterday, all my soreness was gone. Walking a lot at the St. Louis Botanical Gardens and the Zoo helped a lot. I'm hoping to post pictures of both those places soon.
Here's a quick picture of how well my hair bands held up during the race. :-)
Friday, May 2, 2008
This is it
This is it! The time has come for the marathon. I really am super excited and am trying to keep all positive thoughts. I think the biggest challenge for me is just mentally. But I know no matter what, I have way too much heart and pride to not finish. It'll be a finish whether it's good or bad.
Today, I took my dad driving around the roads I run, so he could give me a comparison of the hills in the marathon to the hills I normally run. Basically, the hills I have around here are very intense, steep hills, but the ones on the course are not as steep but longer. I'm hoping to get a chance to drive part of the course tomorrow.
I've gotten most of the stuff I needed to get done except for packing. I do have some time tomorrow morning before we all leave for the race. I just hope I don't forget anything.
So for now, this will be my last official post until I get back. To anyone who's reading, wish me luck. This is a big event for me. If you are in the Cincinnati area and want to join all the "squealers" out there, feel free to do so. You can cheer me on as well. Out of 5,300 or so participants, it'll probably be difficult, but I'll tell you I have very long, dark brown (black) straight hair and am short. Maybe when I get back, I'll even post some pictures.
The day after the Marathon
This is a funny video. I really hope this is not me after the race. I'll be posting one more time before I head out tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
3 days until race day
Am I tingling with excitement or my heart beating faster? No, not quite, but I am nervous that race day is so close. I was going to go for a short run this morning, but I couldn't seem to get myself out of bed and wound up sleeping the extra hour. I'll run some time later today along with the five gazillion things I have to do--mostly cleaning and getting my place ready for people to visit. I was able to prepare all the dogs' food for the dog sitter last night. That took a whopping two hours to do.
So the agenda goes: my dad is coming in on Thursday, my mom and her husband on Friday. Then we all go up to Cincinnati to the Expo, get settled in the hotel, etc. Sunday is race day at a very bright and early 6:30 AM start time. I don't know the exact number, but the marathon itself has around 5,300-5,400 runners. The half marathon is double that number. Then all the other activities during the weekend total it out to 22,000 participants. That's a lot of water, gatorade, and goody bags! After the race, my parents and I are going to St. Louis for a few days.
There's a lot of mixed feelings I have about my parents visiting. 5-7 days is about my maximum that I can spend time with them at one time. After that, I begin wanting to pull my hair out. I don't have time to go into details right now but I'll just say, it can be a rocky situation at times.
So the agenda goes: my dad is coming in on Thursday, my mom and her husband on Friday. Then we all go up to Cincinnati to the Expo, get settled in the hotel, etc. Sunday is race day at a very bright and early 6:30 AM start time. I don't know the exact number, but the marathon itself has around 5,300-5,400 runners. The half marathon is double that number. Then all the other activities during the weekend total it out to 22,000 participants. That's a lot of water, gatorade, and goody bags! After the race, my parents and I are going to St. Louis for a few days.
There's a lot of mixed feelings I have about my parents visiting. 5-7 days is about my maximum that I can spend time with them at one time. After that, I begin wanting to pull my hair out. I don't have time to go into details right now but I'll just say, it can be a rocky situation at times.
Anyway, I've been trying to find a new running top to wear with my running shorts. I'm having a hard time finding one I like. I have a shirt that goes okay with the shorts just not perfectly. Whether I find one between now and Friday is up in the air. However, I did find these:
It may not seem like much, but when you have really long, thick hair, it's hard to find good hair bands. Every other hair band I've had, after about two uses, they stretch and no longer keep my ponytail tight. This cause a lot of problems when you're running long distances. You know the picturesque commercials they show of women running with their hair blowing in the wind, well, I'm hear to tell you that that causes some major ass tangles! Much easier to keep all those strands together.
It may not seem like much, but when you have really long, thick hair, it's hard to find good hair bands. Every other hair band I've had, after about two uses, they stretch and no longer keep my ponytail tight. This cause a lot of problems when you're running long distances. You know the picturesque commercials they show of women running with their hair blowing in the wind, well, I'm hear to tell you that that causes some major ass tangles! Much easier to keep all those strands together.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Music and Marathons
I was watching part of the "Today show" before I left for work. There was a clip on there about the music ban on marathons. US Track and field apparently made that rule this year to ensure safety. While some marathons did follow the rule and disqualify any runner using such devices, others did not. The NYC marathon this weekend has decided not to follow suit as there are 38,000 runners. Policing that many runners would be very difficult indeed, especially since devices keep getting smaller and smaller.
As a runner, I sit on the fence on this one. When I got my ipod back last March, I originally found it very helpful on my long runs. Since discovering podcasts, I mostly listen to that these days. Although the issue is safety and communication between runner, I've found there is capability of doing both. For me, even though I listen to music on my runs, I still remain very vigilant of my environment. I think for the majority of people, running is for recreation, so if a little pick me up helps, then why not? Ultimately, those who are very competitive will likely not use any music devices and focus more on their bodies, breathing, time, etc. In the end, however, everyone wants to get to the finish line whether its with or without music.
As a runner, I sit on the fence on this one. When I got my ipod back last March, I originally found it very helpful on my long runs. Since discovering podcasts, I mostly listen to that these days. Although the issue is safety and communication between runner, I've found there is capability of doing both. For me, even though I listen to music on my runs, I still remain very vigilant of my environment. I think for the majority of people, running is for recreation, so if a little pick me up helps, then why not? Ultimately, those who are very competitive will likely not use any music devices and focus more on their bodies, breathing, time, etc. In the end, however, everyone wants to get to the finish line whether its with or without music.
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