Nostalgia

This morning started out as any usual one--coffee, feed dogs/bunny, check e-mail, check facebook, debate on things to do today, figure out some semblance of a schedule, eat breakfast, etc. All the day's normal. Then, out of the blue, I received this in one of my e-mail boxes:

Hello Tiptoe, I wanted to thank you for the MOST beautiful card and note...Are you training dogs?Give a call if you come to the area!LOVE, CS

I left one sentence out for privacy reasons, but just this note alone made me surprised, happy, and weepy. So, who was this person? This was my first therapist, CS (this is different from C. my former therapist, whom I have talked about before in this blog) from when I was 16 years old. I saw her from that time up until I left for college. We've kept in touch off and on for the last 15 years. It helps that my mom lives in the same city, and at one point, the psychiatrist my mom saw was in the same building as CS's. I used to feel very awkward about this close proximity, but as time has passed, it no longer matters to me.

CS has always held a very special place in my heart. Besides the fact that she was my first therapist (she specialized in eating disorders and substance abuse), I think I was one of her early clients as well. I think part of why I have always held a deep fondness for her was, because I shared quite a lot with her than I had anyone else, and she did more things for me that probably nowadays many therapist would not do for keeping a strict patient/therapist boundary. For example, (and this was many years ago), but she came to my house when I cancelled my appt., saying I did not feel well when really, I had od'ed on a bunch of pills. Yeah, I'm not too proud of that moment. She called my mom, went to the hospital, and all the rest is history. Then, she once came when I was in a psych ward for adolescents, though she did tell them I had and ED and needed to be monitored. I was not in there for an ED at that time--more depression, suicidal tendencies. The only regret I had with her was that she did not push further for me to go into a higher level of care, (of course I was in denial about this at the time) something I think now could have turned me around faster, than oh 10 years later when I finally decided to actually truly try to recover.

Anyway, this brought back some nostalgia as I had not heard from her in a long time. I usually send holiday cards and try to touch base when I'm visiting my mom, but that is typically rare, more for logistical reasons than not enjoying the visits. In the early days, like 2-3 years after I stopped seeing her, occasionally, I'd get a surprise card from her. And it always touched me in the fact that she remembered me. But as time has gone by, and we've both moved on with our lives, we've also lost touch a bit, except for my holiday cards. This is actually the first time in years that I know her e-mail address! I don't think that was intentional, but I always tried to be respectful of therapists who did not want to have e-mail contact. Now, if I was seeing one, it would likely be one of my first questions to ask just so I'd know and not always be wondering.

Besides the fact that this post made me nostalgic and kind of weepy, I think it reminds me of the impact people make on our lives. All the long-term therapists I've had over the years have in one way or another made a difference to me. I've been fortunate that I haven't had to go through a slew of them to find ones that I connected with, whether that was as a therapist or other professional. And for that, I'm always thankful. This isn't to say that these are the only ones who have made impacts on my life, these are just people who I've shared much more of my personal life with.  And for that I'm really thankful they were there at that specific time in my life.  I just hope too that in my chosen profession I can make that much of a difference as well.

Do you have therapists that have made strong impacts on your life?  Do you keep in touch with them through letters, e-mails, etc.?

Possible relationship?

Today's post: dating. Some people love it, others hate it. I think I fall in the in-between. In my last post, I mentioned a new Match guy. I'll call him Music Match. We've had two dates so far and both went really well. But then, there was a snafu last night. He wanted to come by and pick me up at my house which made me uber uncomfortable. I said I'd rather meet somewhere. This led him to feel like I was not trusting him, that this offended him, that I was being paranoid, and that by the third date, it was customary for a guy to pick up his date at her place. We ended this chat at midnight and continued it this morning.

He wrote an e-mail, apologizing for jumping down my throat, expressing what he felt, why he felt that way, and that yes, he was interested in a relationship with me. The e-mail was very helpful and it did make sense. He's not a dater, he's had some failed relationship experiences, is ready for a real relationship, expects "barriers" as he puts it to be broken down by each date (my comment of meeting elsewhere made him feel like we were at square 1), the time and financial commitment he's made so far (it is a 90 minute drive for him, and our dates have been 3-4 hours long), and that he understood if I wanted to "shop" around.

I responded back giving my viewpoint which was helpful to him as well. Basically, I said I was not a "shopper," that I did think there was relationship potential, that I equated "house/visiting" with intimacy which sort of scares me (okay scares me a lot), that I understood the financial and time commitment (though I must admit in the back of my head, I'm thinking if he is already moving here, then he it's like a kill two birds with one stone type of thing), and that we likely both overreacted a little.

He agreed with all I said and said if he was going to pick me up, it would be a drive by, honk the horn type of thing which did make me feel better. But still, it did almost seem like he was going to dump me just because I wouldn't let him pick me up at my house.

We corresponded back and forth for a few additional e-mails, and one statement jumped out at me: "I've met women in the past where it would take a bulldozer to get through the walls they've built up over the years." Gosh, I'm really hoping that is not me. I reassured him I was not that type of woman, but does fear of intimacy make me that type of woman? He apparently is a bit opposite in this way and easily displays it once in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like intimacy (in whatever form), but I have some reservations about it. Plus, I think body image issues kind of wave back in. This almost made me feel like calling my former T. who I haven't spoken to in like two years, though I have sent her holiday cards. Then, I think that maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, and once I feel more comfortable, I will feel differently.

In a funny kind of way, we are both glad we had this conversation. We plan on meeting on Monday.

So to all you daters out there, does his seem fast? Was I overreacting in not wanting him to pick me up at my house? Do you equate house visiting with intimacy?

A semi-update

I've been wanting to give an update on here and tell everyone about my new endeavors, however, I realized that would not be the best thing until after a few months. I promise soon thought to announce it. Actually, it probably won't surprise many of you anyway, but it was quite a big step for me to take in life. With that, there are always worries and concerns, but I'm trying hard not to let all those small things affect me and just see where this goes.

So what else is going on with my life? Well, my teeth are still a big issue. The other day I had 4 cavities filled, so my entire mouth was numb! One cavity, near the bridge that needs to be taken off, is quite achey. I may have to get the bridge off sooner than I had planned. Eating disorders really kill your teeth even AFTER the fact when you are in recovery. So please people, take your teeth seriously.

How is recovery going for me? Actually pretty good for the most part. I still have a bit of woes of thinking, this is a bit flabby, or I could tone up, or run more, etc., but overall, I haven't denied myself intentionally in a long time, so long I can't really remember. I use the word intentionally there, because there have been times where I skipped breakfast due to lack of cognizant thought, or getting carried away with other work. At my dentist appt., that was one of the first things I asked , when can I eat?

Over the holidays, I had a lot of yummy desserts, spent time with my dad, went to the Zoo's Festival of Lights, and saw the new rendition of Footloose. It turned into a nice holiday.

Surprisingly, my biggest goal for the holiday was to get Clover to wear a Santa hat for a photo. It took awhile, but after some problem solving, I finally got her to wear it. Here's a photo of her:

Lastly, I'm back on the dating bandwagon. I had a really nice 3-hour lunch date with a new Match guy. He lives 90 minutes away but is moving to this area in the next 3 months, so he is currently looking at property. We're meeting again this week. This guy is also very different--a music writer but not like the musician type. I'll see if this goes anywhere. Those reading the blog long enough know I've had quite a few first and last dates.

Happy Holidays!

I know it has been forever since I have written, and I promise, I'll write an update on things going on in Tiptoe's life. It's been rather busy in a positive way.

But I want to take a moment and wish all of you a Happy Holiday! Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or anything else, I hope you have a wonderful holiday! I know holidays are not easy for everyone, but I hope you can rest aside your demons, treat yourself well, and simply enjoy the day.

As always, here are a few holiday photos from my crew. I'm still working on the photo of Clover with her Santa hat.

                         

                                                                       

SAR trip

Some of you may have wondered how my first Search and Rescue seminar went last weekend. Overall, it went really really well. Part of my fears were re-evaluated, others did come true. But in the end, I was able to handle them all.

First, the good: Tovah did great! For the last several weeks, I had forgone working on what we call an "indication" with her - the alert that tells the handler, "yes, there is something here." Instead, I had done some other exercises to up her enthusiasm. When I came into this seminar, my criteria for her was just to find the cadaver odor. Well, she not only found it, but she indicated too. I was both surprised and thrilled.

This is a scent box. A scent, whatever it may be, cadaver, a drug, etc. will be placed in it. The dog smells it, and then when indicating correctly, a ball is thrown into the tube. Dogs who are very ball-driven love this! 

Tovah likes balls but prefers food. But when it is novel, she goes for the ball immediately.

She had a little trouble with some scenarios, but that is mostly the workings of a beginner. The scenarios where she had to indicate were: 2 hidden cadaver odors on trails, the perimeter of an empty cabin, inside the empty cabin, and discriminate the correct birdhouse (of 5) with the cadaver scent. We did this both on Saturday and Sunday, and Sunday, she was even better. I was truly excited for her.

My fear that she was "not good" enough was pre-emptive. Sometimes, I have this impression that my dog must be "intense" as many I see, but as one attendee with a dual certified dog in both HRD (human remains detection) and live-find (meaning finding a live person) said, "You don't need an intense dog, just a dog who will get the job done." Those were great words for me to hear.

On Saturday night, we had a mock night search. Basically, we split up into 7 teams. Then, we had certain locations that we were to search in. Some of us were searching for "evidence," while others were looking for missing persons. My team was looking for "evidence." The people organizing the seminar, they actually go and plant the "evidence" and the missing persons, aka mannequins. I was so happy for myself in finding an empty milk dud container that could have been evidence. A teammate found the "gun" which was the major item we were supposed to find. The other teams found most of what they were supposed to as well. It is a bit strange, because although this seminar was at a state park, why in the heck would some people be walking around on the trails at night when it is pitch dark with no lights! One team also spotted Abraham Lincoln! I later learned from some of my other teammates that sometimes the searches had to be called off. The most recent, a few years ago, was some campers who had a meth lab going. Eeek!

Now, the fear that did come true was the food situation. I knew it was going to be dining hall style meals, but they did not expect any who were vegetarian. (I do eat fish, but there were none) The cooks just happen to overhear me talking to another person how I was vegetarian, so he pulled me aside and showed me what they had. Yep, you guessed it, salad. Not that I mind that so much, but the salad was the bagged pre-made mostly iceberg lettuce type. I think the only other thing to be added to it was tomatoes. I do not call myself a food snob per se, but if I have a salad to eat, it is with nutritious foods--no iceberg lettuce for me! also, I almost always add some protein source--fish, a veggie burger, tofu, etc.

I had two options: either fret and not eat or make do with what I had. I chose the latter. Plus, I would have felt guilty since the people were so kind to me. They wanted to make sure I had something to eat. They basically gave me special treatment in saying anytime I wanted to come into the kitchen I could. This is not to say that there were other items that were inedible, there were just no real protein sources for me at dinner time. I made do though and joked with the others at the table that it was good I was not afraid of carbs. LOL

Other than that, and the fact the cabins were a little more rustic than I thought, and I stepped in poop on Saturday night, this first seminar experience went well. I feel a little more confident in my and my dog's abilities and hope to continue on with SAR work. The next big seminar I have my eye on is one at Western Carolina University specifically for HRD dogs. It is in early March with the registration opening on January 11 at 1pm EST. I only put these specifics in, because there are a limited number of handlers (30 I think), and the one for last weekend, sold out in 9 minutes! Whoa! Gosh, I have absolutely no clue what I will be doing on that day, but I certainly hope to be at my computer, waiting to hit the register button. I should also say the reason why this workshop is so coveted is 1) it is geared strictly to HRD dogs and 2) your dog gets a chance to be exposed to full dead bodies at FOREST aka the "body farm." You just don't get that everyday.


A few other photos:

Tovah going through the tunnel. The agility equipment set up was nice for dogs to blow off steam.

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Tovah on A-frame

We had a surprise visit from St. Mary's life force team in their helicopter. Tovah got a chance to go in one. 

View near our cabins. This was taken in the early morning when the sun had just come up.

First Search and Rescue seminar preparation

Tomorrow, Tovah and I are leaving for our first Search and Rescue seminar. I am STOKED but also incredibly nervous. We will be meeting up with another SAR dog person (I met her a few months ago at one of our group training sessions, and we really hit it off - she owns a small daycare and boarding kennel) and following each other to the camp site.

Since she has been there before, she has given me some idea of what to expect. This is good for me, because I get really nervous at these kinds of settings, partly for dog reasons, partly for me reasons.

The dog reasons:

• I get worried that my dog will do horribly, and that the instructor will say she is not fit to do this work. 
• I get worried that she will not behave that well (really she is pretty good except meeting new dogs on leash - hence partly why I haven't done the CGC test with her). 

I know this really small potatoes, but there is still an element of wanting to excel there, especially as a dog trainer and being around such knowledgeable, trained people and dogs.

As for the me reasons:

• I have no idea what food is there other than I've been told, they feed you really well. 
• I have no idea of the conditions of the cabin. I just know I need to bring my own bedding. I think everything else is furnished, but I just worry anyway. 
• Though I'm really excited about the mock night trial (no dogs, just handlers), I feel unprepared. I know I have some stuff for "survival" if needed but not all of it. Some of that stuff is expensive! I've been told there is a time limit of 4 hours to find the victim. Apparently, one year it took the entire 4 hours, but last year it only took like 10 minutes. 

I know some people would relate this similar to the large conference I was at in San Diego. The difference with this one is that I'm really going in blindly. At least with the conference, there was predictability. Certainly, I have gotten better with this over time, but still, it does cause some anxiety.

And then, there is my car. Yesterday, my car overheated. Luckily, I was only 0.5 mile from my house at a stoplight when all the sudden I see steam from my car. Then, I look at my thermostat on "H." I made it home, shut off the car, got stuff out of my car, called a repair shop, and then called AAA to tow my car there. (By the way, if you don't have AAA, it is worth getting. There is no cost if you have to be towed, and you can have multiple people on the policy) The strange thing is that I didn't have any indication from my car, other than a slightly unpleasant smell which I did not think anything of. I had this happen before when I was 16 and blew the transmission out I believe, so I was expecting some kind of similar sign but did not notice anything.

The car repair place called this morning and said it was a radiator problem.  The good news is that it is an easy repair and the car will be fixed today.  The bad news is that it is more costly than I'd like.  However, I know it could have been worse.  In the back of my mind, I almost though this was some sort of weird sign telling me I shouldn't go. I also learned one of the main roads to get to the camp site is closed until early December.  I'm hoping the GPS reroutes me well and doesn't take me through some small windy roads.

This is certainly an adventure.  I'm hoping to learn a lot, make some new contacts, and simply have fun.  Oh yes, and there is a helicopter landing!  I'll give an update when I get back.

Unlabel me

I don't have a huge amount of time right now - really need to be doing other computer things, but I wanted to post this photo. (It's been sitting in my draft folder for a week now)  I was reminded of it when I recently read a post by another dog trainer talking about how some of her friends called her the "Dog Whisperer."  I have also been named this at times as well.  None of this would be so bad other than this trainer and myself, well, we just don't align with the modern day Dog Whisperer techniques (Paul Owens was actually the original dog whisperer, titling a book the same name back in 1999. His book offered dog training guidance in compassionate, non-violent methods)  Although the people who "label" us this do not mean any offense by it, but rather, they are actually trying to give a compliment of sorts.

So labels, do they give importance? What are the values in them? I can see both sides of the argument on this, but for the purpose of this blog on eating disorder recovery, labels do have a tendency to narrow you into one definition. Anyone who has dealt with insurance certainly knows this.

In recovery, I think a lot of us try to shed the label of whatever eating disorder you may have had. We find we are much for than a definition, and we actually begin to value ourselves as such. We find that we want others to see us differently - as a person with a lot more qualities than how we appeared when suffering.

In thinking this, what labels do you want to shed? Is it only the ED one or are there are others as well? It's good food for thought. :-)