I got back into town yesterday from the conference. There were a few glitches during the conference (I'll get to that in a moment), but overall, I met most of my goals and had a good experience. The speaker for the closing session, a well known dog trainer, was absolutely fabulous. She left everyone energized and optmistic. It was just such a good way of ending the long conference.
So the good:
*My roommate situation turned out okay.
*I did well socializing with everyone, including going out to dinner just about every night and :gasp: even having dessert.
*I did NOT exercise while I was there. Seriously, between sessions, multiple meetings, setting up rooms, handling the 1,050+ people (yes the registered count went up), and late night dinners, there was no time. Plus, the gym hours were not conducive to mine, and I wasn't about to make myself look like a freak in front of my o the roommates and other conference staff. The plus is that I really did not balloon up.
*I did carry protein bars with me which was helpful.
*I took some good photos which I'm hoping they'll use for future promotions.
*Everyone seemed very nice, and we all worked well together.
*Some of the speakers and sessions were great. The trade show had some good stuff. I probably spent way too much money there, but hey, it was for my dogs. ;-)
*Everyone seemed to appreciate all our hard work.
The negative list is much shorter. Besides not doing so well in the breakfast and lunch departments, my one major glitch was getting lost driving. I recently talked about this in my mazeophobia post. This happened on Saturday. We had a lot of last minute changes that day. I wound up having to take one of the speakers to the humane society since the three other people before me could not. I had previously been to the shelter the day before to drive the photographer. That went well due to the local photographer who knew his way around. This time, I was really really panicked. The good thing is that I got the speaker there in plenty of time before her session. I only had one misturn, so not too bad. However, on the way back, I got incredibly lost.
Sometimes, you just can't reverse directions! I quickly learned that driving over the bridge, well, puts you in another state! I was like holy crap! I got myself turned around and headed back in the correct direction and took a downtown exit. This was not the way I came in, so I was not familiar with the downtown area at all. When I got to the street the hotel was on, I could not turn there. From there, I got flustered and ended up going in circles for quite awhile. I finally stopped and asked directions and did get back to the hotel, though I was supposed to have been at an off site workshop. In what should have only taken me 30 minutes took me 2 hours to get back.
The other thing about this is that I couldn't get in touch with anyone. And when they finally called me, they were mostly concerned about the speaker. I think they could have cared less that I was lost. I guess if I had come back in the evening after sessions were over, they might have been wondering where I was. Oh well. It's true I would have felt a lot worse if the speaker had been with me while I was lost.
Besides all that, I managed to step in dog poop at the shelter, leave my phone in my car in the parking garage, and almost thought I broke my walkie talkie. Luckily, this was a one day incidence of a lot of bad luck, and on Sunday everything went off without a hitch.
When I talked about this in therapy today, C. kept asking what I was telling myself. I'm not sure I was telling myself much other than I knew I would eventually get there--eventually being the optimum word here and that I was not going to come back full of tears. Actually, as embarrassed as I was, I did laugh with everyone about it, especially the bridge part. C. just reminded me to hold onto those feelings. So I guess I'm at least sort of getting past this fear of driving in unfamiliar places. There is still a long way to go.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Should nutrition facts be brought back to Harvard?
Laura at the blog Are you "eating with your anorexic?" posted about the Ivy League college Harvard University removing calorie information at their dining services. Apparently, not everyone is happy with these actions and published their own opinion in this piece. I think the author raises some interesting points, though each could be counter pointed.
The issue of providing calorie information has been a hot topic of debate for awhile now with those adamantly against it, others for it, and some who sit on the fence. In the end, there will never be 100% happiness with the policy.
The issue of providing calorie information has been a hot topic of debate for awhile now with those adamantly against it, others for it, and some who sit on the fence. In the end, there will never be 100% happiness with the policy.
MTV rethinks Model Makers
Awhile back, MTV had put out a casting call for their new show "Model Makers," a show transforming young girls into models at any single cost. There was much upheavel about this new show, and apparently it was enough to make MTV stop from airing the show. Here's the news from Darryl Roberts, the filmmaker of "America the Beautiful:"
As some of you may be aware, MTV was involved with a
new "reality" program entitled "Model Makers." The show aimed to take
15 young women between the ages of 17 and 24 and turn them into high fashion models by forcing them to lose weight. Sounds disturbing doesn't it?
It's actually worse than it sounds! The website for the site itself
pulled no punches in its description of the program which "dares to go
where no modeling show has gone before":
"Have you always wanted to model but don't know where to start? Maybe
you don't know the right people. Maybe you are not thin enough. Women
come in all shapes and sizes, but models don't."
Read it for yourself here!
A lot of words popped into my head when I found out about MTV's plans
to broadcast such filth: Disappointment, Disgust, Anger - to name but
a few. For two months I blogged about the deleterious effects of the show in blogs like this.
I even took it upon myself to write an open letter to MTV on
behalf of teenage women on my October 6th Huffington Post blog.
Huffington Post article
In my letter, which I know many of you read, I warned MTV of the
dangers of promoting such a careless and destructive message. A
message that has become almost pervasive these days and leads to
millions of unnecessary eating disorders.
How many millions of young girls everywhere would be negatively
affected by the ludicrous premise of the show: A beautiful woman = A
very thin woman. None, if I could help it.
Recently I was on CNN News talking about the show and the potential dangers. I encouraged all of you to write MTV and a lot of you did!
I have tons of letters from mothers and teenagers themselves that were sent to MTV, letting them know that this kind of programming would not be tolerated.
I had even come up with a great idea. On the first night of "Model Makeovers," airing, whenever that was, I was going to have all of you across the country interview every teenager that you could find with your video cameras and cell phones, having them tell us in their own words what they thought of the show.
I was then going to take the footage and turn it into a documentary, entering it into film festivals and theaters across the country. The name of the documentary was going to be called "MTV, look at what you done to be." Catchy title!
I called MTV today to find out when they had planned on airing the show and they said, "We no longer plan on airing "Model Makers."
WOW! My first thought was the American public is awesome. When you decide that you've had enough, you can move mountains.
Speaking of which, I have a tree outside that I can't quite dig up, why don't the thousands of you come on over, so we can talk about it.
Seriously, I'm so proud of every person and every organization out there that voiced a complaint. From the bottom of my heart, if I could afford it, I would treat all of you to a taco and a glass of tap water. I'm sure you'd rather have juice or soda, but it has too much sugar in it. Hey, just trying to do my part!
I take no personal credit for "Model Makers," not being released. The credit is all yours. Every person and every organization. I'm just one guy, trying to make a difference. It's all of you collectively that have the powerful voice.
For all I know, someone at MTV decided the show was ill-conceived. What's important here is that the show doesn't see light of day, not who's responsible.
This is a step in the right direction for millions of
teenage girls everywhere!
To teenagers across America,
I want to say that we love you!
You're beautiful, exactly the way that you are!
And thank you MTV. You did the right thing. If this show not airing creates an extra half-hour in your schedule, call me. I have plenty of show ideas.
Darryl Roberts
"America the Beautiful"
As some of you may be aware, MTV was involved with a
new "reality" program entitled "Model Makers." The show aimed to take
15 young women between the ages of 17 and 24 and turn them into high fashion models by forcing them to lose weight. Sounds disturbing doesn't it?
It's actually worse than it sounds! The website for the site itself
pulled no punches in its description of the program which "dares to go
where no modeling show has gone before":
"Have you always wanted to model but don't know where to start? Maybe
you don't know the right people. Maybe you are not thin enough. Women
come in all shapes and sizes, but models don't."
Read it for yourself here!
A lot of words popped into my head when I found out about MTV's plans
to broadcast such filth: Disappointment, Disgust, Anger - to name but
a few. For two months I blogged about the deleterious effects of the show in blogs like this.
I even took it upon myself to write an open letter to MTV on
behalf of teenage women on my October 6th Huffington Post blog.
Huffington Post article
In my letter, which I know many of you read, I warned MTV of the
dangers of promoting such a careless and destructive message. A
message that has become almost pervasive these days and leads to
millions of unnecessary eating disorders.
How many millions of young girls everywhere would be negatively
affected by the ludicrous premise of the show: A beautiful woman = A
very thin woman. None, if I could help it.
Recently I was on CNN News talking about the show and the potential dangers. I encouraged all of you to write MTV and a lot of you did!
I have tons of letters from mothers and teenagers themselves that were sent to MTV, letting them know that this kind of programming would not be tolerated.
I had even come up with a great idea. On the first night of "Model Makeovers," airing, whenever that was, I was going to have all of you across the country interview every teenager that you could find with your video cameras and cell phones, having them tell us in their own words what they thought of the show.
I was then going to take the footage and turn it into a documentary, entering it into film festivals and theaters across the country. The name of the documentary was going to be called "MTV, look at what you done to be." Catchy title!
I called MTV today to find out when they had planned on airing the show and they said, "We no longer plan on airing "Model Makers."
WOW! My first thought was the American public is awesome. When you decide that you've had enough, you can move mountains.
Speaking of which, I have a tree outside that I can't quite dig up, why don't the thousands of you come on over, so we can talk about it.
Seriously, I'm so proud of every person and every organization out there that voiced a complaint. From the bottom of my heart, if I could afford it, I would treat all of you to a taco and a glass of tap water. I'm sure you'd rather have juice or soda, but it has too much sugar in it. Hey, just trying to do my part!
I take no personal credit for "Model Makers," not being released. The credit is all yours. Every person and every organization. I'm just one guy, trying to make a difference. It's all of you collectively that have the powerful voice.
For all I know, someone at MTV decided the show was ill-conceived. What's important here is that the show doesn't see light of day, not who's responsible.
This is a step in the right direction for millions of
teenage girls everywhere!
To teenagers across America,
I want to say that we love you!
You're beautiful, exactly the way that you are!
And thank you MTV. You did the right thing. If this show not airing creates an extra half-hour in your schedule, call me. I have plenty of show ideas.
Darryl Roberts
"America the Beautiful"
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Worth
I have a quick moment from the conference and had I wanted to post this quote from the book I'm reading called Comeback: a mother and daughter's journey through hell and back by Claire and Mia Fontaine. It is a journey about overcoming incest and rebuilding a mother-daughter relationship. I don't have time to go into all the details, but it is a very interesting story, especially because after exhausting traditional therapies, Claire turned to an unconventional center halfway around the globe in the Czech Republic to help her daughter. Anyway, here's the quote directed at Mia:
"My experience of you is that you underestimate the effect you have on other people because you don't know your own worth."
I think many of us can relate to the idea of not knowing our worth or feeling unworthy of certain things: gifts, love, treatment, happiness, etc. I think it is something to think about. What is your worth? How do you go about finding it? How does it make you feel when someone says you are worthy of life, living, happiness, love?
"My experience of you is that you underestimate the effect you have on other people because you don't know your own worth."
I think many of us can relate to the idea of not knowing our worth or feeling unworthy of certain things: gifts, love, treatment, happiness, etc. I think it is something to think about. What is your worth? How do you go about finding it? How does it make you feel when someone says you are worthy of life, living, happiness, love?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Post from conference
I'm making this a very brief post. I made it to the conference. I actually did get slightly lost in the downtown area finding parking for the hotel. I almost panicked but I kept myself composed and figured out my way without getting too confused. Yeah for me!
Anyway, the conference is going well so far. The count was 977 registered yesterday morning. It's a little daunting, but I am staying very busy here. Socializing is going okay, and the roommate situation has worked well.
I'll report more when I get back. Hope everyone is doing well.
I send many doggie wags!
Anyway, the conference is going well so far. The count was 977 registered yesterday morning. It's a little daunting, but I am staying very busy here. Socializing is going okay, and the roommate situation has worked well.
I'll report more when I get back. Hope everyone is doing well.
I send many doggie wags!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Mazeophobia
My therapy assignment was to drive another way home. It seems simple enough except if you have a fear of getting lost. Apparently, the technical term for this is "mazeophobia." This was one reason why I did not do the Portland Marathon which was my other option from the Wineglass one I just ran. My original plan had been to run the marathon, then go to Washington state for a few days. My main purpose was to visit Bastyr University and see Portland and Seattle. After I had everything figured out (and I had found a cheap plane ticket), I had a sudden panic of getting lost in a completely unfamiliar area. As C. said, "your fear got the best of you." So true.
After telling C. about all this, I also went into my other fears about the uncertainty of life, my future, etc. We talked about this, and then she gave me the assignment to drive a different way home. This threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared, and I only knew a few ways to get home. She was like, so pull out a map and just see what happens.
I seriously wanted to give all these excuses as to why I could not do this. She wasn't forcing me to do this, just saying it as a suggestion. But me, who wants to show I am trying, was trying to convince myself that this was no big deal.
This exercise, however, was more than about just going a different way home, but about trusting myself. I had told C. that I have certainly gotten lost before many times and found my way. I didn't just sit by the side of the road boo-hooing. She agreed, but said, "but you didn't tell yourself that at the time. You didn't trust yourself or have confidence"
So after doing my errands, I did take a different way home. C. had wanted it to be a way that I had never been. Well, it didn't exactly happen like that, but I did take a route that I rarely ever take. This was the road that I had a bad car accident on six years ago. I had never driven the entire road from town back to my place, simply due to fear. I think it was overcoming a hurdle, knowing that I would be okay, that the road was really going to stay in place. I trusted myself to drive on that road again and remember the beautiful scenery of horse farms, trees, cows, the sunlight hitting the fields, etc.
Sometimes, I think we muddy our minds by focusing on the obstacles so much that we forget about the beautiful memories, creations, life, laughter, and love that has occurred. And in the process, we lose a little bit of ourselves too. So each time, we allow ourselves to be in a place of discomfort, we can grow, learn, and learn to trust ourselves again.
By the way, if you want to look at a list of other phobias, here is a lengthy list.
After telling C. about all this, I also went into my other fears about the uncertainty of life, my future, etc. We talked about this, and then she gave me the assignment to drive a different way home. This threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared, and I only knew a few ways to get home. She was like, so pull out a map and just see what happens.
I seriously wanted to give all these excuses as to why I could not do this. She wasn't forcing me to do this, just saying it as a suggestion. But me, who wants to show I am trying, was trying to convince myself that this was no big deal.
This exercise, however, was more than about just going a different way home, but about trusting myself. I had told C. that I have certainly gotten lost before many times and found my way. I didn't just sit by the side of the road boo-hooing. She agreed, but said, "but you didn't tell yourself that at the time. You didn't trust yourself or have confidence"
So after doing my errands, I did take a different way home. C. had wanted it to be a way that I had never been. Well, it didn't exactly happen like that, but I did take a route that I rarely ever take. This was the road that I had a bad car accident on six years ago. I had never driven the entire road from town back to my place, simply due to fear. I think it was overcoming a hurdle, knowing that I would be okay, that the road was really going to stay in place. I trusted myself to drive on that road again and remember the beautiful scenery of horse farms, trees, cows, the sunlight hitting the fields, etc.
Sometimes, I think we muddy our minds by focusing on the obstacles so much that we forget about the beautiful memories, creations, life, laughter, and love that has occurred. And in the process, we lose a little bit of ourselves too. So each time, we allow ourselves to be in a place of discomfort, we can grow, learn, and learn to trust ourselves again.
By the way, if you want to look at a list of other phobias, here is a lengthy list.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Recovery musings
Today's therapy appt. made me think about recovery and what my goals really are. Sure, it is to be ED-free, but it's not as simple as that.
I was telling her about my fear of "post-marathon" blues. You know it's kind of like the "post-vacation" blues, where you feel depressed and know that you're going back to your old life whatever that may be, except that it becomes worry about backsliding into eating disorder behaviors. I was truly honest with C. and told her that I think one reason why I've done "better" (this is in the context of the last few years) for the last ten months is because my eventual goals were to run marathons.
I felt so hypocritical after saying it, like recovery should be more than just about running marathons. I said to her half-tearful that "I don't want to have a marathon planned in order to allow myself to eat. I want it to be about being healthy and feeling okay with myself." She completely understood what I was saying, but then said and I'm paraphrasing here, "you know what, if it takes planning a marathon year after year to continue to eat, then maybe that's what you need right now until it becomes about health. I know you'd rather it (recovery) be for intrinsic reasons rather than external ones, but you're just not at that point yet."
I'm not sure how to feel about everything she said. On one hand, it's all true, but on the other, I just feel like I'm such a let down and loser. I know external validation from wherever it comes from can only go so far. You have to get to a point of wanting and creating internal validation or else, you'll continue to keep running in circles. Circles don't end, they're continuous. Lines, goals, and paths end, and that's where I'm hoping to eventually be--on the recovered end.
I was telling her about my fear of "post-marathon" blues. You know it's kind of like the "post-vacation" blues, where you feel depressed and know that you're going back to your old life whatever that may be, except that it becomes worry about backsliding into eating disorder behaviors. I was truly honest with C. and told her that I think one reason why I've done "better" (this is in the context of the last few years) for the last ten months is because my eventual goals were to run marathons.
I felt so hypocritical after saying it, like recovery should be more than just about running marathons. I said to her half-tearful that "I don't want to have a marathon planned in order to allow myself to eat. I want it to be about being healthy and feeling okay with myself." She completely understood what I was saying, but then said and I'm paraphrasing here, "you know what, if it takes planning a marathon year after year to continue to eat, then maybe that's what you need right now until it becomes about health. I know you'd rather it (recovery) be for intrinsic reasons rather than external ones, but you're just not at that point yet."
I'm not sure how to feel about everything she said. On one hand, it's all true, but on the other, I just feel like I'm such a let down and loser. I know external validation from wherever it comes from can only go so far. You have to get to a point of wanting and creating internal validation or else, you'll continue to keep running in circles. Circles don't end, they're continuous. Lines, goals, and paths end, and that's where I'm hoping to eventually be--on the recovered end.
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