So now that I've written in detail about the marathon and trip, what I haven't written about are my FEELINGS and reactions to everything. Finishing the marathon is by no doubt an accomplishment. And I am proud of myself for that. However, there is still some nagging voice saying I could have done better, that is really wasn't enough, that I should have pushed more through the fatigue. Whether someone wants to call it an ED voice or my perfectionistic voice, what I know is that I still struggle with this a lot.
After the race, my parents all told me how proud they were of me. My mom and dad were afraid that I was going to either not finish or come across the finish hobbling or something. Instead, I came sprinting due to feeling competitive with another girl. I keep thinking how stupid that sounds. I talked to this girl at the beginning of the race, and she seemed nice. There wasn't a reason for me to feel competitive with her. Other people had passed me, and I didn't seem to care, so why did it bother me when she had caught up to me?
I have to admit throughout the entire trip in St. Louis, I somehow felt like a fraud. Although I did not make an issue of food, other than I was not going to eat pizza, making the excuse I don't eat cheese (it's true I don't but I can actually handle mozzarella cheese), food was still hard for me. There were instances when I did not want to eat but felt incredibly guilty having people pay for an expensive meal or going out of their way to make me something I liked. Therefore, I ate my meals, looked the part of being and feeling okay, but I know I truly wasn't. Everyone just kept telling me what a healthy eater I was. A. who had just met me kept remarking about that and how shiny my hair was, etc. Heck, I even caught myself saying that as well. Sometimes I wonder if I say it long enough, it will be true. Kind of like the saying, "the ritual makes it happen."
Body wise, I'm not feeling too hot about it. Prior to the race, I knew what my weight was from my Dr.'s appt. I knew running the race would drop it slightly, and I was kind of surprised when I went on a 25 cent scale that my weight was lower than what I expected. Since I didn't think it was that accurate, I checked the scale at the fitness room at the hotel, and it read the same. I should have felt elated, but I don't know, I still felt fat.
Then there was the issue of my future which is always a question mark. Surprisingly, my father did not make a huge deal of my current job, where I live, etc. Usually, he makes it a big point at how much he hates it all. I think the marathon distracted him from a lot of this. However, he did mention quite often how I should go to medical school. Even A. said this--how I looked like a "smart" person and that kind of type. She told me that her father whom I met, was a Dr. and on the board for medical school admissions if I ever applied to Washington University.
A. also said to me how she thought my step-sister, M., and I should come to St. Louis in the summer. A. had said something like M. had not seen me for awhile and missed me. I was surprised by this since M. and I are not that close. M. is six years younger than me, and we've just never really had a close relationship due to both distance and age. Apart from that, we're really different. Maybe I harbor some jealousy towards her now that she is doing well in college. Before, she had basically majored in "boyfriend" and let her grades go. The academia/ studious type was always my role, but I fell off the bandwagon. Therefore, she's taken that place. Even when I talk to my mom about it, and she says I'm doing my own thing, not currently applying for grad school, there is just a weird sense I pick up. Maybe it's me more projecting that feeling. If I talk to my dad about this, he'll just say how M. is applying for grad school, and ask why I'm not or that I should too, etc. Unfortunately, he knows me well enough to play that competitive card with me. And M's dad, my mom's husband, doesn't really say much other than M. is doing well in college and plans to graduate next fall.
So those were my major feelings on the trip. Being back, there is always a time of readjustment for me. I find being around people for several days, though rewarding, also takes a lot out of me too. I'm also battling s little bit of a cold and sore throat, though that seems to be better. I'm guessing that's mostly race related, however.
Now the thoughts I have running through my head are: what marathon am I going to do next, am I going to take any online classes in the fall, am I going to possibly meet with an academic counselor, am I going to go back into therapy with more commitment or with a different therapist? What is it that I really want?
Stay tuned, hopefully, I'll figure out some of these answers.
Showing posts with label St. Louis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label St. Louis. Show all posts
Monday, May 12, 2008
St. Louis trip
The trip to St. Louis was interesting. I can't remember if I've mentioned this in other posts, but my family is kind of odd in that everyone gets along. We really are an example of how divorces can be amicable. When my mother had asked me to come to St. Louis, I kind of felt like my father would be left out. He was coming all the way from SC to see me in the race, and then to have to turn around a day later. I don't know, it just didn't seem fair to me. So this was one reason why I invited him on the trip. Plus, I knew he would have a good time.
Even though my father and my mom's husband "bonded" on this trip, they still acted like an old married couple while driving, bickering about which direction was best to take. My father is old school and believes a road map is best, while my mom's husband is into technology and is all about GPS receivers. Well, the directions the GPS gave and the one my father gave to St. Louis were different and mileage was not similar. We wound up taking the GPS directions despite it being longer which my mom's husband had said was shorter. Later on, the GPS directions would be wrong since it didn't take into account all the construction.
We reached St. Louis last Sunday evening. We checked into the hotel which was really nice. It was like a little apartment with a loft above and supplied with everything you needed. My dad and I stayed on the bottom floor while my mom and her husband stayed in the loft. We weren't there for long since we met my mom's husband's oldest son (D.), wife (A.), and his 4 year old daughter for dinner at an Italian restaurant. Everyone was thrilled to meet me finally. There had been a running joke that I really didn't exist since it had been something like 5 or so years since D. and A. had been married, and they'd never met me. Both were very nice people and we all chatted about various things. I took a liking to A. who seemed incredibly personable. D. was very scientific and it was obvious that he liked to talk about himself a lot. Not that it was bad, he had a lot of interesting stuff to say.
By the end of the night, we were pretty beat. I did not sleep well that night, waking up numerous times. The next day we planned a trip to the Botanical Garden. It was absolutely beautiful there. I loved all the gardens and the Koi fish! I was a lot of fun feeding them and taking photos of their gaping mouths!
Here's a snapshot of some pretty tulips.
If you want to see the rest of the photos from this place, you can go to my photo album here
That afternoon, we did a little shopping at the REI store since there was a sale. We also had to stop at a pharmacy for ear plugs for my mom's husband since my dad was snoring kind of loudly. His snoring and sleep apnea are significantly better (he had his uvula removed last year), but he still has some trouble.
That evening, we met D. and A. at their house for a homemade dinner. My dad insisted we bring something there, so we stopped at Whole Foods and bought a Black Forest Cake. The meal was nice. A., my dad, and I talked a lot. A. said how she wished that me and my step-sister, M. could come to St. Louis sometime during the summer. Although the idea is nice, I still had reservations about it. The rest of the night, we all shared more stories and then headed back to the hotel.
On Tuesday morning, I decided to see how I'd feel doing the bike and the elliptical at the fitness room in the hotel. Surprisingly, it was not that bad. My soreness was going away, slowly but surely. That day, we planned on going to the zoo. I had been to this zoo over 10 years ago but hadn't been since. It really is quite a nice zoo, and the animals there did seem happy. A. and her daughter met us at the zoo. I'm not quite sure but the topic of me and going to medical school came up. It's not the first time during this trip that it did, it was just the first that was directly asked at me.
Anyway, here's a picture of one of the elephants:
Even though my father and my mom's husband "bonded" on this trip, they still acted like an old married couple while driving, bickering about which direction was best to take. My father is old school and believes a road map is best, while my mom's husband is into technology and is all about GPS receivers. Well, the directions the GPS gave and the one my father gave to St. Louis were different and mileage was not similar. We wound up taking the GPS directions despite it being longer which my mom's husband had said was shorter. Later on, the GPS directions would be wrong since it didn't take into account all the construction.
We reached St. Louis last Sunday evening. We checked into the hotel which was really nice. It was like a little apartment with a loft above and supplied with everything you needed. My dad and I stayed on the bottom floor while my mom and her husband stayed in the loft. We weren't there for long since we met my mom's husband's oldest son (D.), wife (A.), and his 4 year old daughter for dinner at an Italian restaurant. Everyone was thrilled to meet me finally. There had been a running joke that I really didn't exist since it had been something like 5 or so years since D. and A. had been married, and they'd never met me. Both were very nice people and we all chatted about various things. I took a liking to A. who seemed incredibly personable. D. was very scientific and it was obvious that he liked to talk about himself a lot. Not that it was bad, he had a lot of interesting stuff to say.
By the end of the night, we were pretty beat. I did not sleep well that night, waking up numerous times. The next day we planned a trip to the Botanical Garden. It was absolutely beautiful there. I loved all the gardens and the Koi fish! I was a lot of fun feeding them and taking photos of their gaping mouths!
Here's a snapshot of some pretty tulips.
If you want to see the rest of the photos from this place, you can go to my photo album here
That afternoon, we did a little shopping at the REI store since there was a sale. We also had to stop at a pharmacy for ear plugs for my mom's husband since my dad was snoring kind of loudly. His snoring and sleep apnea are significantly better (he had his uvula removed last year), but he still has some trouble.
That evening, we met D. and A. at their house for a homemade dinner. My dad insisted we bring something there, so we stopped at Whole Foods and bought a Black Forest Cake. The meal was nice. A., my dad, and I talked a lot. A. said how she wished that me and my step-sister, M. could come to St. Louis sometime during the summer. Although the idea is nice, I still had reservations about it. The rest of the night, we all shared more stories and then headed back to the hotel.
On Tuesday morning, I decided to see how I'd feel doing the bike and the elliptical at the fitness room in the hotel. Surprisingly, it was not that bad. My soreness was going away, slowly but surely. That day, we planned on going to the zoo. I had been to this zoo over 10 years ago but hadn't been since. It really is quite a nice zoo, and the animals there did seem happy. A. and her daughter met us at the zoo. I'm not quite sure but the topic of me and going to medical school came up. It's not the first time during this trip that it did, it was just the first that was directly asked at me.
Anyway, here's a picture of one of the elephants:
If you want to see more photos from the zoo, you can click here.
In the evening, we went out to a nice restaurant where we met A.'s mother and father. Both were very friendly and asked me lots of questions about the race and my job with the dogs. After 3 or so hours, we left the restaurant and made our way back to the hotel. It took us quite awhile since GPS was wrong this time with all the construction going on. One of the main interstate roads was completely closed coming in all directions. We eventually stopped at a place where we saw a lot of police cars. My mom was so worried they were on a drug or robbery bust. They ended up being friendly and helped direct us back to the hotel. Apparently, we were not the first people to get lost and have used a GPS which kept saying the wrong thing!
The next day, we left and headed back to my place. We stopped for an early dinner, and then we all parted ways. My dad stayed with me and left the next morning. My mom and her husband stayed in a nearby hotel and also left the next day.
Overall, I think everyone had a nice time. It was good to get a chance to spend time with my parents, meet D. and A and see St. Louis again. I had remembered liking the city a lot when I went college shopping and visited Washington University.
Now, I'm back and have to get into my regular routine of things. It has rained practically everyday since I've been back, so the weather has not too great for anything. I did get a chance to mow on the one day it did not rain--Saturday. I'm hoping to get a lot of stuff done this week.
In the evening, we went out to a nice restaurant where we met A.'s mother and father. Both were very friendly and asked me lots of questions about the race and my job with the dogs. After 3 or so hours, we left the restaurant and made our way back to the hotel. It took us quite awhile since GPS was wrong this time with all the construction going on. One of the main interstate roads was completely closed coming in all directions. We eventually stopped at a place where we saw a lot of police cars. My mom was so worried they were on a drug or robbery bust. They ended up being friendly and helped direct us back to the hotel. Apparently, we were not the first people to get lost and have used a GPS which kept saying the wrong thing!
The next day, we left and headed back to my place. We stopped for an early dinner, and then we all parted ways. My dad stayed with me and left the next morning. My mom and her husband stayed in a nearby hotel and also left the next day.
Overall, I think everyone had a nice time. It was good to get a chance to spend time with my parents, meet D. and A and see St. Louis again. I had remembered liking the city a lot when I went college shopping and visited Washington University.
Now, I'm back and have to get into my regular routine of things. It has rained practically everyday since I've been back, so the weather has not too great for anything. I did get a chance to mow on the one day it did not rain--Saturday. I'm hoping to get a lot of stuff done this week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)