Dalai Lama recap

Sorry for keeping everyone in suspense. I'm fighting some sort of fatigue thing. My guess is it is sleep oriented, but I haven't tried to figure out what all the factors could possibly be.

So my Friday trip to see the Dalai Lama started out in a frazzle. I OVERSLEPT! I could not believe it. This rarely happens to me. I woke up at the time I wanted to leave, so I felt like my ass was on fire at the rate I was moving to get everything done. Everything got done but the shower part which I had planned that morning. There just wasn't enough time, so me and my grungy self left in 30 minutes with a cup full of joe, a water bottle, and my camera.

Amazingly, I got there with time to spare. Let's just say I had a few factors in my favor like 70 mph almost all the way there, no rain (had previously rained several days before that), and no accidents. A friend of mine and her husband were also going, so she saved me a seat.

There were quite a few people there and flashes went off everywhere! I attempted photos, but I was at an awkward angle, on a macro setting, and just couldn't stop jiggling the camera. Most of my photos turned out like this. Ahh!

I wound up taking some photos on the screen ahead of me.

And of course, the only really in focus photo I took, the Dalai Lama's back was turned.

I attempted a video too, but it's difficult to hear. Though I think very highly of the Dalai Lama, it was a little harder than I expected to hear everything he said due to broken syllables. I understood the gist of what he said, but some words were lost in translation. In any case, it was very inspiring. It's not everyday you are in the same room with such a well known world leader.

Much of his talk was about what you would expect him to address--love, compassion, affection. These all seem so common sense, but still, it is difficult for people to completely contemplate. He also touched on remaining positive through difficult times which was humorously conveyed in the answer to a question a woman asked about how to not remain angry at her ex-husband. This was the other thing that was out of the ordinary--the

Dalai Lama has a good sense of humor! I had seen it before on television interviews, but to see it in person really makes you laugh even more.

Overall, despite my unplanned, on the fly morning, I was so glad to go. I had hoped there would be some photo ops with the Dalai Lama, but after his talk, he was whisked away. My friend, her husband, and I looked around at the vendors. I bought a few little Tibetan items like medicine wheels, a keychain, and metal plate to go over doors to bless people as they walk in. One thing I saw there were blessed handmade dog collars made by a Buddhist nun. They were nice but also $40. I love my pets greatly, but even that seemed a bit steep to me for a pet collar.

After that, we went to eat at the Old Spaghetti Factory and the Hard Rock Cafe. My friend's husband got a hurricane. My friend said the hurricane was fruity, so I took a sip. Well, apparently not fruity enough for me. Call me sissy in that way, but I only like really fruity drinks. I rarely drink at all, maybe once or twice a year.

I left after that and headed home. It truly was a great experience, and it was fun to meet my friend there. I feel fortunate enough to have seen the Dalai Lama before he is no longer here with us. He's 73 years old and apparently in good health, but still, it is easy for something to go wrong suddenly at that age. He has done a lot for the world and it has been forecasted, he'll be the last Dalai Lama from his people. It is likely that China will pick their own Dalai Lama once he is gone. It's kind a sad prospect to think but realistic.

The day after I went to an all day dog seminar which was fun. I made some new contacts, met a girl who I had not seen in 14 years (more on that in the next post), and was forced to change my lunch plans at the last minute. By the end of the weekend, I just felt like I was dragging and have since had a hard time getting myself going this week. Hopefully, next week, I'll be more energized.

Maybe I'll be enlightened

This is a quick post in reference to the title. I'm super excited. I'm going to see the Dalai Lama tomorrow morning!!

I learned about this way back in March and bought a ticket. I figured this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he was not going to live forever. I seriously think I would have kicked myself if I didn't decide to go or made some excuse. Though I do not affiliate with a religion, (though do lean towards Buddhism) I've always loved what the Dalai Lama has had to say, especially about his stance towards non-violence and having compassion. towards humans and animals.

A good friend of mine is also going, so we're hoping to meet up there and go out to lunch afterwards.

I'll post all about it when I get back. It may not be until the end of the weekend as I'm going to an all day dog seminar on Saturday.

The Dalai Lama is traveling quite a bit with next stops in WI, IA, and NY. You can look here at his full schedule.

Scales on the horizon

To the left is a picture of a dog scale. My boss has decided we needed one for when we board dogs to monitor their weight when they stay with us. This was vastly prompted by a client's dog who was staying at a vet's office for boarding and lost 20 pounds (not sure how long the dog was there). Apparently, there was some miscommunication on how much to feed the dog, and the vet's office was only giving half of his normal intake. Why, they didn't increase his food or even notice his sudden weight loss is beyond me.

When my boss told me about possibly getting a scale, I cringed. Though I certainly understand the intentions of this scale--for the health and well being of the dog (as well as any liability issue in case someone may accuse us of starving their dog), but there is still a slight bit of uneasiness for me. I have the ( ), because I'm not positive this is the case, it just seems like the liability issue is another one from the way my boss talks. That, and I think she likes thinking that this is yet another thing in how we are different from other dog facilities. Apparently, this scale would only be used for boarding clients which was a sigh of relief for me as I did originally think she wanted this for daycare clients as well! The thing is this doesn't necessarily guarantee anything. There could easily be a client who would be upset that their dog lost 2 pounds while staying with us, while on the flip side, someone else may be happy that their dog lost weight with us if the dog was a bit overweight.

I'm sure I'm projecting more of my issue about this than anything else, and to most people it is not a big deal. I don't know if my hang up is the fact that there would be a giant scale in front of me everyday (I do not have scales in my house) or that I feel like this blurs a funny line between health practitioner and dog trainer, something my boss is very adamant about not crossing.

There isn't much I can do at this point. The scale has already been ordered and is on its way. I guess like in most things in life, I just have o learn to deal with it. So am I overreacting? C'mon, you can tell me a "Tiptoe, this is just a dog scale," my feelings won't be hurt. ;-) Is my viewpoint just filtered through ED-esque thoughts, or is there any inkling of sense?

Surviving some shopping

A few weeks ago I talked about how I was dreading shopping. I still am, but I truly want to try to get some of it done and not procrastinate like I usually do. I think that would just leave me more anxious and frazzled to find khaki pants that I liked and fit.

After taking advice from those who commented on the post above, the weekend before last, I decided to shop a little--mostly just browsing stores. For some reason, I had thought there was an Ann Taylor store in the mall, but it was a Ying's Loft. I stupidly curiously thought it might be similar to Ann Taylor Loft, but I was wrong. I walked through quite a few stores but didn't find anything that would remotely work except for a nice pair of Gap khaki pants that ironically I found at a thrift store for $2.25. That was a serious score!

So I was a bit bummed and had not planned on going shopping this past weekend due to feeling bloated, gross, and fat. I don't know what overcame me, but I wound up shopping anyway. I think my logic was that I had time on Sunday to go, so I thought I'd browse a few stores. I went to a different center this time and went into an Eddie Bauer, Banana Republic, and an Ann Taylor Loft. I figured I was bound to find something, or at least I prayed I'd find something that would look okay and hide all my appropriate body conscious areas.

All the stores in general, the pants were way too long. The Ann Taylor store was the only one that had a petite section, but the people there were the least friendly and helpful. I did manage to find one pair of khaki in a petite size, but even that was too long. I went ahead and got them, figuring I can fold the cuff underneath.

Eddie Bauer had a pair of khaki I liked, but did not fit well in the hip area. Overall, they had the most clothes that I wanted to try on (Banana Republic was a close second) but none fit exactly. It was interesting how even if I got the same size, the fit would be entirely different depending on the style. This made sense to me but not the actual size. Like I could get size X in one pant and that would fit. But in a different one, the same size X would be too small or I'd be swimming in them. The girl who was helping me was very nice and explained the different pant styles to me. Unfortunately, since everything was like a foot long, and there were not petites there, the only thing she could offer was to help me with a catalogue order which does run petite sizes. I decided to wait and see the other stores since that was my first store.

At Banana Republic, there was surprisingly a good selection of pants--yes a tad on the expensive side but I tried not to look at that number too closely. Since I hadn't tried on pants in any of these stores, I guessed on my size which wasn't too far off the mark from what I thought. I tried on a number of pants at B.R. and found two pairs I liked--one was a khaki pair, and the other was a nice, black pair. The person helping me was a guy (pretty sure he was gay--was the mustard yellow V-neck sweater and high pitch voice a give away?) who was very nice. After trying on the items, I told him I liked them, but they were all incredibly long. He said B.R. gets that a lot, so it's one reason why they send out their garments for alterations.

I decided to go ahead and get the khaki and black pants and get them altered. I had to put them back on, so he could pin them for me. That was kind of a weird feeling for me, not exactly sure why. Maybe it felt different that it was someone else pinning me other than my mom? Plus, I was on a pedestal too. I had to restrain myself from asking him how he thought I looked, just you know for a second opinion.

At check out, I got talked into getting a B.R. card, so I saved an additional 15% today, along with 30% off on the khaki pants. The black pants weren't on sale though. It was pricier than I thought, but I'm reminding myself that they are good quality, look nice, and will last awhile. The only thing I worry about is that the khaki pants might be too nice. After all, I am still working with dogs.

Overall, the shopping experience wasn't too bad. The anxiety didn't completely consume me, but I did find myself taking a huge breath and closing my eyes before I tried on each pair of pants. Then, I had difficulty scrutinizing if the pants really looked okay or it was just my imagination; hence, why I thought about asking the guy at B.R. for a second opinion. I guess the positive, take away message was that I didn't have a meltdown like I thought I might have, that I managed to get through it. Afterwards, I have to say, I was wiped out, completely exhausted. That just took a lot more mental energy than I anticipated!

One thing I still realize is that my body distortion, though a little better from past years, is still way off from how others perceive me. I continued to get one remark on my body size over and over, and I have a hard time believing it. :sigh: I just don't see it.

In total, I have found three pair of khaki pants, plus one pair I already had. I'm debating if this is enough or if I still need to continue shopping? I have to wear khaki pants 6 days/week for over 12 hours/day.

Note--*I'd have more photos, but for some reason, I could not find the khaki pants styles I bought on the B.R. and Ann Taylor websites. The photo above is the black pair from Banana Republic but the khaki look similar.

*I am still not a fan of dressing room mirrors, but the ones at Eddie Bauer's and Banana Republic's did seem better than most stores.

*I had one funny moment while trying on pants. I accidentally got a pair of khaki pants that was apparently for "skinny legs." I did not realize this until putting it on. I kind of chuckled, asking "how in the world do they think a leg can fit through that when it's the size of an arm? This was a lot better than berating myself on why my [insert obscenity, denigrating body thought] leg could not fit through it.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to whomever you may be a mother to-whether they have skin, hair, fur, feathers, or scales. In the end, they all look to us for help, care, nurturance, protection, and love.

Here's a cute song from the movie Rugrats about mothers.
And remember that even though this is the day we observe Mother's Day, it is really everyday.

Note: a real post coming soon. And to those I owe e-mails-I'm not ignoring, will write soon. ;-)

The Bench

This is just a nice poem about needing support posted from Gurze Books  in the Eating Disorders Review.

If you haven't looked through Gurze, they have some great resources for eating disorders.

 

 The Bench

I know the journey is hard.
There's a bench just up ahead
Under some trees.
Let's sit down,
Stop for a while.
We don't have to talk
Unless you want to.
We can listen to the birds sing,
Feel the wind,
Enjoy the view,
And see,
Really see
The life that's out there for us.
Then,
When we are both ready,
We can continue
Our journey of recovery.
I know it has its bumps
And steep hills,
But it also has its
Easier, smoother valleys and vistas.
The most important thing,
My friend,
Is that we not travel it alone.
It is a journey meant to be taken
Hand in hand.
Take mine.

 

by Anne Edwards

Deconstructing "myths about suicide"

A few days ago, NPR's Talk of the Nation spoke with Thomas Joiner of Florida State University, a prominent researcher in suicidal behavior, on deconstructing "myths about suicide" Joiner has a new book out called Myths about Suicide in which he talks about this very thing.

Though I've posted about suicide before, I think it is still an important issue to discuss, especially as May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Like with many other disorders, suicide is often stigmatized as well.

There were several points in this conversation that Joiner made which really struck out to me. One was the myth that suicide is a selfish act. He explained that to those on the outside this is how it appears, but really what the suicide sufferer is thinking is, "my death will be worth more than my life to others." Although this thinking is mistaken, to the sufferer, it is true.

This often rings similar to those with eating disorders. On the outside, people think "how could someone with anorexia think they are fat? Can't they see they are not?" (I know this isn't the case for everyone, but just an example) Or it is like when we say we are "feeling fat" to someone, and they say "fat isn't a feeling." This may be correct, but to that individual, it feels real at the time.

Another point Joiner makes is that suicide is not an impulsive act. He says that even though suicide appears out of the blue for some people, often times, there has been a long built up process to it. If you think about it, it is really hard to kill yourself. Your body's natural reaction is to fight back and resist. For some, it is one reason why their body doesn't let them commit suicide.

He also mentions the film The Bridge, the controversial documentary about the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge, a place where many have gone to commit suicide. For one year, the director and his crew, filmed people walking across the bridge, trying to determine which ones were vulnerable to jumping. In the end, they could not tell who would or would not. This deconstructs the myth that suicides are easy to tell. Even those that seem to be functioning well outwardly, inside the person is a mess and in misery. Again, this is so similar to eating disorders. How many times do people think we are okay just because we are weight restored, functioning, or look "normal"

One other myth Joiner discussed was the idea that if someone was really going to commit suicide, they would. He felt that physical barriers were important and was an underappreciated means of suicide prevention, especially as high railings have been installed at other historic buildings like the Empire State Building which dramatically reduced the number of suicides.

Since callers were invited into this show, there was one guy who had had several members of his family commit suicide. This led into the question of genetics which Dr. Joiner agrees contributes to suicides. He feels that genes, risk factors, personality traits, etc. operate via three aspects of his model which are learned fearlessness, burdensomeness, and alienation. He explains his model as:

I think that there are two main processes that have to develop and that have to collide to end in this catastrophe that is suicidal behavior. One has to do with the-I think very basic insight that death is inherently fearsome and daunting. Therefore it requires a kind of fearlessness, a fearlessness specifically about physical pain, physical injury and death, in order to enact it. So that's one process that's unfolding. It takes time to develop.

So does the other process, which has to do with: Why would people desire suicide in the first place? And I think it has to do with states of mind having to do with the idea - two ideas, actually one, that you're a burden, and one other - that's what I meant when I was referring to death being worth more than life kinds of thoughts; the other is that you're hopeless alienated, cut off and isolated from others. When these two processes combine, the desire for suicide spurred by alienation and burdensomeness, when all when that collides with learned fearlessness, that's when you see these catastrophes.

This makes sense to me and again resonates with eating disorder sufferers. There is the fearlessness of becoming malnourished, starved, unhealthy, or even dying. Then, there is the burden factor where we feel like we are burdens on our families and may not communicate how we feel to them or that we really need help. And with alienation, we often cut ourselves off from people and isolate to feed our disorders.

These same aspects could also be why a number of those with eating disorders do wind up committing suicide. These traits, brain chemistry, and feelings all collide, leaving the sufferer to feel suicide may be the only way.

I think this is one reason why I think education is important. Mental illnesses, in general, have so many stereotypes and we need to de-stigmatize and deconstruct the myths behind them.

Lastly, if you feel suicidal, please get help or call 1-800-SUICIDE, 1-800-273-TALK

FYI: the Discovery Health Channel is broadcasting "Six Nights of Understanding" series, showcasing individuals' experiences with Anxiety, Rage, Dissociative Disorder, Schizophrenia, Addiction, Bipolar Disorder, Hoarding, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Thanks Dr. Deb for posting this!