There's a lot I want to write about, but I'm not sure where to start. Maybe I'll start with post-holiday thoughts. Both my parents called me on or after Christmas. My mom said they were all having a good time at my dad's house. My parents are divorced, but every year go to my dad's house. Surprisingly, this year, both my closest in age step-siblings were also there. S. is three or so years younger than me I think and currently lives with my dad and his wife. S. is recently engaged and said how this year has been the best year of his life. His fiance who is six years his younger was also there. My mom and her husband both say how cute she is and how she and S. make a good match. I'm happy for both of them but still hold my reservations.
M. is five years younger than me. She and I have a little more in common than S., but we are not incredibly close. I think I had wished we were since we are both Asian and adopted, but it just didn't happen that way. We occasionally leave messages for each other on facebook, but that's about it. I hear what's going on in her life from my mom and her husband. My dad said how pretty M. has become and had changed. Then he asked when the last time it was I saw her. I replied with a couple of years, but honestly I am not sure.
Somehow that got me feeling guilty. It was compounded by my physical therapist asking me about my holidays. She knew my mom was here right after Thanksgiving, and I had mentioned to her my dad was coming to visit after Christmas. I also said how they were all at my dad's house but me. She asked why. All I could think of to say was that it was complicated and that I normally was not there. She asked how long or something to that effect. I think it's been four or so years, I really don't remember.
My mom and my dad's wife understand why I am not keen on being there for the holidays. The last ones I spent with my family were filled with stress and tension. If I remember correctly, that was the year that one of my dogs and one of my dad's dogs did not get along at all. I was annoyed by the fact that no one listened to me about how the two dogs should meet, and it ended unfavorably. The whole holiday was spent making sure the dogs were apart and my dog was left in a crate the majority of the time because he was quiet and the other one was not. It's old news I know, but I still get upset about it, especially since they miraculously think the dogs will be okay again.
Anyway, in the same conversation above I had with my dad, he also said how great it was to see my mom and her husband. And how my mom's husband has gained weight, looks rounder, and how they both kept eating fudge. I told him how it was the holidays, and they normally do not eat fudge. He just replied back with that they got fudge every time they passed it. These are not out of the ordinary comments by my father, but who wants to be around anyone who is surveying your every meal, snack, bite to eat?
My dad also said that he would really like me there next year, etc. and how I need to make more of an effort. I reply with yeah, I'll see. In reality though, and if I think hard about it, subconsciously I really do not want to be there. Besides being out of my own routine. the food, my father's comments, it's the whole seeing of everyone. There's a huge awkwardness and feeling of disappointment, when the topic gets to me and my life. Every time it is addressed, my dad makes some derogatory comment and how I need to be doing this, this, and this. If there was ever a "black sheep" in the family, I'm beginning to feel like I'm it. I already get hounded by it enough on the phone, so imagine being in person.
As far as the effort thing goes, I hate admitting that it's probably true I could make a better effort for the holidays for the sake of "family." I think for a long time I kept thinking how I was somehow missing out on something here at work. I actually hate coming into work not knowing what is going on, and that would happen when I was gone. In regards to my father's comment about not seeing M. in awhile, well, I guess I look at it as both sides of the coin. She doesn't make an effort to see me either. I tend to get a little defensive on this issue, because I feel like it's always up to me to make that effort when no one else has to.
I'm not sure how to end this post other than I'm left feeling guilty which I know is a useless emotion.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to all!
This past week I've been busy doing Christmas shopping and felt exhausted every night when I came home. I was proud of myself for getting all the shopping done on Saturday. Saturday night I ended up making dog biscuits for the kennel dogs which took about 6 1/2 hours making the treats and packaging them. I have a few more batches to make, but that can be done later.
I must admit I'm glad that at least Christmas is over. I just keep reminding myself just New Year's, and then my dad's visit, and then I can finally relax. Even though I no longer feel all the pressures of going home like I used to in college, I still feel a sense of all my routines changing which just throws off my whole schedule. I guess I'm a bit of a creature of habit.
Although the last few days, I have tried to be somewhat social. On Sunday night, I had dinner with my boss and few others. That went better than expected, though I still felt a bit awkward. Yesterday, I visited a good friend of mine. We exchanged gifts and had dinner. It was nice to just chat. I'm hoping to visit another friend of mine in January. I think we're planning on a movie and dinner. Today, I didn't do much. I did get all the wrapping of gifts for my family done. I'll send my mom's tomorrow and my dad will get his when he comes.
So that's kind of a catch up for now. Here are a few photos of my crew. As you can see in the first one, they were not being that cooperative, however, they do look cute in their Christmas bandanas. The others are of them opening their gifts. I think they enjoy getting the treat in wrapped in the toy more than the toy itself.
This past week I've been busy doing Christmas shopping and felt exhausted every night when I came home. I was proud of myself for getting all the shopping done on Saturday. Saturday night I ended up making dog biscuits for the kennel dogs which took about 6 1/2 hours making the treats and packaging them. I have a few more batches to make, but that can be done later.
I must admit I'm glad that at least Christmas is over. I just keep reminding myself just New Year's, and then my dad's visit, and then I can finally relax. Even though I no longer feel all the pressures of going home like I used to in college, I still feel a sense of all my routines changing which just throws off my whole schedule. I guess I'm a bit of a creature of habit.
Although the last few days, I have tried to be somewhat social. On Sunday night, I had dinner with my boss and few others. That went better than expected, though I still felt a bit awkward. Yesterday, I visited a good friend of mine. We exchanged gifts and had dinner. It was nice to just chat. I'm hoping to visit another friend of mine in January. I think we're planning on a movie and dinner. Today, I didn't do much. I did get all the wrapping of gifts for my family done. I'll send my mom's tomorrow and my dad will get his when he comes.
So that's kind of a catch up for now. Here are a few photos of my crew. As you can see in the first one, they were not being that cooperative, however, they do look cute in their Christmas bandanas. The others are of them opening their gifts. I think they enjoy getting the treat in wrapped in the toy more than the toy itself.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Perhaps sensing loss
Last night,I did not sleep well. I once again woke up in a cold sweat, having to take covers off of me. This has been going on for several weeks, so I'm not really sure what it is about.
I had this bizarre dream. I dreamt I was in some Dr.'s office for some breast procedure (nothing cosmetic) but something that needed to be done. I had scheduled the appointment for the end the following week since it was apparently a Friday. Another Dr. was checking my breast and then said to me alarmingly, "you really need to come back on Monday, so we can do a biopsy." I was a bit flabbergasted and trying to figure out what she thought was wrong. I overheard this Dr. talking to another Dr. saying something like she thought it could be cancer, and the other Dr. saying, "but she's so young."
I came back that Monday, had the biopsy done which confirmed breast cancer. I don't remember much else of the dream other than thinking "but I am so young, it can't possibly be cancer."
I've read or heard somewhere that cancer dreams are about a sense of loss of something. It's not the first time I've dreamt something similar. I think dreams are often contextual to what is going on in life, not necessarily completely symbolic per se as Freud would have you think. I think this dream was a sense of loss due to my therapy appointment.
The appointment did not go well. It was evident I should not have wasted her time. Essentially, she's left the door open for me and wants me to think about what I really want. That's it though, I don't know honestly. I think about things that would be nice here and there, a hint of this, a splash of that, but it's never something I possibly truly think I can have, despite what other people may tell me. Perhaps, it's the negativity there or that low self esteem, low grade depression, or lack of self worth. It just doesn't seem like I'm meant to have any of that .
My therapist made some very true points. I've been seeing her off and on for the past five years. The first two in a half, I saw her on a regular basis. That was when she accepted my insurance. After that, it's been sporadic and I did try a few other therapists who did not work well for me. So I went back to my original therapist, telling her upfront that I could not see her on a regular basis anymore. She was okay with that and said she would be there for me.
I know logically the choices are all up to me, that I have to do the work, etc. Sometimes I think outpatient on no kind of regular basis is hard. You have to really take initiative and want to kick ED butt. I left feeling like she said, "you need to want recovery completely, solely, and be willing to do all the work." Maybe, that's it, I've just gotten too complacent. I told her how I finally made a commitment to not purge through vomiting. After my last horrible toothache, I got sick of it. I don't want teeth problems anymore. I miss the perfect teeth which I'll never have anymore.
To me, this is a lot. To say, I'm going to sit here with whatever those feelings are and nut hurl them away seems like a big accomplishment. However, the exercising is an issue. I still can't see it as a real problem. She begged to differ and just couldn't sit there and say ethically that was better. She said "so you want a pat on the back, a badge." This reminded me of the scene from the movie Running with Scissors where Alec Baldwin says to his wife, Annette Benning, something to the effect of, "I've stopped drinking and have been sober for three years." And her reply was, "so you want a badge for that?"
I know she is right, but my head is just saying it's the lesser of two evils. So untrue again. I don't know, I'm frustrated beyond belief with myself, with her, with just everything. I even told her things I have only mentioned in passing to a few people, and there was no reaction. I don't know why I expected anything, I should know better by now.
I really understand where my therapist is coming from. If I were her client, I'd be frustrated with me as well. I keep thinking it's like I have a big label on my head that says "Non-compliant," or as another friend said, "no, not non-compliant, more like 'resistant.'"
When will I ever be able to step in with two feet into complete recovery rather than having a foot in and a foot out? It's like the metaphor of the functioning alcoholic but rather the functioning ED person. As a friend pointed out to me, "since you've never had some major medical crisis, it's harder for you to see how sick you are. Sometimes I fear for you moreso, because it's people like you who drop dead with no warning." Those are some pretty blunt, very real words--ones that make you think, that's for sure.
So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I know I need to decide on something rather than just flailing.
I had this bizarre dream. I dreamt I was in some Dr.'s office for some breast procedure (nothing cosmetic) but something that needed to be done. I had scheduled the appointment for the end the following week since it was apparently a Friday. Another Dr. was checking my breast and then said to me alarmingly, "you really need to come back on Monday, so we can do a biopsy." I was a bit flabbergasted and trying to figure out what she thought was wrong. I overheard this Dr. talking to another Dr. saying something like she thought it could be cancer, and the other Dr. saying, "but she's so young."
I came back that Monday, had the biopsy done which confirmed breast cancer. I don't remember much else of the dream other than thinking "but I am so young, it can't possibly be cancer."
I've read or heard somewhere that cancer dreams are about a sense of loss of something. It's not the first time I've dreamt something similar. I think dreams are often contextual to what is going on in life, not necessarily completely symbolic per se as Freud would have you think. I think this dream was a sense of loss due to my therapy appointment.
The appointment did not go well. It was evident I should not have wasted her time. Essentially, she's left the door open for me and wants me to think about what I really want. That's it though, I don't know honestly. I think about things that would be nice here and there, a hint of this, a splash of that, but it's never something I possibly truly think I can have, despite what other people may tell me. Perhaps, it's the negativity there or that low self esteem, low grade depression, or lack of self worth. It just doesn't seem like I'm meant to have any of that .
My therapist made some very true points. I've been seeing her off and on for the past five years. The first two in a half, I saw her on a regular basis. That was when she accepted my insurance. After that, it's been sporadic and I did try a few other therapists who did not work well for me. So I went back to my original therapist, telling her upfront that I could not see her on a regular basis anymore. She was okay with that and said she would be there for me.
I know logically the choices are all up to me, that I have to do the work, etc. Sometimes I think outpatient on no kind of regular basis is hard. You have to really take initiative and want to kick ED butt. I left feeling like she said, "you need to want recovery completely, solely, and be willing to do all the work." Maybe, that's it, I've just gotten too complacent. I told her how I finally made a commitment to not purge through vomiting. After my last horrible toothache, I got sick of it. I don't want teeth problems anymore. I miss the perfect teeth which I'll never have anymore.
To me, this is a lot. To say, I'm going to sit here with whatever those feelings are and nut hurl them away seems like a big accomplishment. However, the exercising is an issue. I still can't see it as a real problem. She begged to differ and just couldn't sit there and say ethically that was better. She said "so you want a pat on the back, a badge." This reminded me of the scene from the movie Running with Scissors where Alec Baldwin says to his wife, Annette Benning, something to the effect of, "I've stopped drinking and have been sober for three years." And her reply was, "so you want a badge for that?"
I know she is right, but my head is just saying it's the lesser of two evils. So untrue again. I don't know, I'm frustrated beyond belief with myself, with her, with just everything. I even told her things I have only mentioned in passing to a few people, and there was no reaction. I don't know why I expected anything, I should know better by now.
I really understand where my therapist is coming from. If I were her client, I'd be frustrated with me as well. I keep thinking it's like I have a big label on my head that says "Non-compliant," or as another friend said, "no, not non-compliant, more like 'resistant.'"
When will I ever be able to step in with two feet into complete recovery rather than having a foot in and a foot out? It's like the metaphor of the functioning alcoholic but rather the functioning ED person. As a friend pointed out to me, "since you've never had some major medical crisis, it's harder for you to see how sick you are. Sometimes I fear for you moreso, because it's people like you who drop dead with no warning." Those are some pretty blunt, very real words--ones that make you think, that's for sure.
So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I know I need to decide on something rather than just flailing.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Another Monday and holiday woes
I have a lot planned for the next two days and am hoping I can get it done. I know I say that just about every week, and sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not.
It's a week before Christmas, and I dread going out to shop. The crowds, the lines, the parking, ugh, why do I wait so long to do this every year? A few gifts are not in need of rushing, and I'll probably do that online. Others, not so much. This year, I've just been so out of it in regards to the holidays. They are not my favorite and have not been for many years. Normally, the one thing I enjoy is gift wrapping, however, this year, I can't even seem to get excited about that.
Maybe it's just all hitting me this week. I had a couple of moments of break down this weekend. Just those thoughts of feeling a huge sadness, emptiness, and loneliness. Sometimes I wonder why those feelings hit harder around the holidays. I guess it's like a time of reflection--where you've been, what you've done, what you have, what you don't have, what you hope for, all those types of thoughts.
I have an appointment with my therapist today. It'll be a brief one. I'm not even sure what to say, and now question why I even made it. I guess I'm hoping that maybe I'll leave feeling straightened out or something. Don't we all wish that sometimes? That someone will say just the right proverbial thing and boom, that lightbulb goes off? Logically, knowing everything is up to me, I can only wish sometimes.
It's a week before Christmas, and I dread going out to shop. The crowds, the lines, the parking, ugh, why do I wait so long to do this every year? A few gifts are not in need of rushing, and I'll probably do that online. Others, not so much. This year, I've just been so out of it in regards to the holidays. They are not my favorite and have not been for many years. Normally, the one thing I enjoy is gift wrapping, however, this year, I can't even seem to get excited about that.
Maybe it's just all hitting me this week. I had a couple of moments of break down this weekend. Just those thoughts of feeling a huge sadness, emptiness, and loneliness. Sometimes I wonder why those feelings hit harder around the holidays. I guess it's like a time of reflection--where you've been, what you've done, what you have, what you don't have, what you hope for, all those types of thoughts.
I have an appointment with my therapist today. It'll be a brief one. I'm not even sure what to say, and now question why I even made it. I guess I'm hoping that maybe I'll leave feeling straightened out or something. Don't we all wish that sometimes? That someone will say just the right proverbial thing and boom, that lightbulb goes off? Logically, knowing everything is up to me, I can only wish sometimes.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Cat news and genetic modifications
Normally, I talk about dogs since those are just the things I see and work with everyday. However, I have a special place in my heart for cats too. If I could have a cat, ie, Hank and Daphne wouldn't decide it was lunch, then I'd probably own one. I've always wanted to literally clicker train a cat from a kitten to adulthood. I think just like other animals, they can do amazing things.
Anyway, recently, cats have been in the news. This just came out about a cloned red fluorescent cat
I have to admit when I first saw this, I was kind of in shock as to why. The Korean researchers say this research will help with diseases in both humans and animals, including rare animals that are on the brink of extinction.
I did a little researching, and it's quite interesting about the spectral array of fluorescent proteins. Apparently, they can quantify many different cellular processes in the body, are nontoxic and very stable. I'm not a biologist, so I do not know enough about all the implications of this type of research. What I do know however, is that in general, the investigation of genes, gene therapy, personalized medicine, etc. are all moving at alarmingly fast rates. It's kind of exciting really to know that there is so much going on in this field of study, but at the same time, it reveals just how much we don't know either. That's when the ethical debate can come out on whether this is the right or wrong thing to do. My feeling is that if these types of studies can help further education, medicine, and treatments, then it can be worth it.
However, I do not think it is necessarily right to genetically alter animals who were meant to have certain characteristics. For example, I read awhile back about the new "exotic" pet being bred which was a hairless guinea pig. Though kind of cute, it just doesn't sit well with me. They were meant to have hair and fur. Okay, that's my spiel on genetic modifications.
Anyway, recently, cats have been in the news. This just came out about a cloned red fluorescent cat
 |
I have to admit when I first saw this, I was kind of in shock as to why. The Korean researchers say this research will help with diseases in both humans and animals, including rare animals that are on the brink of extinction.
I did a little researching, and it's quite interesting about the spectral array of fluorescent proteins. Apparently, they can quantify many different cellular processes in the body, are nontoxic and very stable. I'm not a biologist, so I do not know enough about all the implications of this type of research. What I do know however, is that in general, the investigation of genes, gene therapy, personalized medicine, etc. are all moving at alarmingly fast rates. It's kind of exciting really to know that there is so much going on in this field of study, but at the same time, it reveals just how much we don't know either. That's when the ethical debate can come out on whether this is the right or wrong thing to do. My feeling is that if these types of studies can help further education, medicine, and treatments, then it can be worth it.
However, I do not think it is necessarily right to genetically alter animals who were meant to have certain characteristics. For example, I read awhile back about the new "exotic" pet being bred which was a hairless guinea pig. Though kind of cute, it just doesn't sit well with me. They were meant to have hair and fur. Okay, that's my spiel on genetic modifications.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Just some rambling
Monday and Tuesday were good days overall. I went into town on Monday and ran a few errands. I got a new aquatic belt. I tried it out that evening after I did some biking. One thing I'm reminded of about gym type places is why I have never liked them. It's that whole self conscious factor. Though logically, I know people are doing their own thing, I still somehow think they are watching me or thinking about why that girl is pedaling so fast or on some piece of exercise equipment too long, etc. I think it was also ironic, because they had the food network set on one of the tvs.
The bike went well overall, and I had a good workout. I'm still unsure of what constitutes high mileage. I tried the vertical stationary bike instead of the reclining one. It was more comfortable, but my butt was sore afterwards. After that, I headed to the pool to try the new water belt. I was not sure how it would go. First, I have major issues with being in any type of swimsuit, though I can at least seem appear more normal in a one piece. I tried hard not to focus on that, realizing that once I was in the pool, it's not like people would be seeing my bathing suit. The other thing I was worried about was getting bored. However, that didn't happen since apparently the local high school's swim team was practicing. It ended up being a bit loud, but I just concentrated on what I was doing. I'm not sure if I did it correctly. I know the basic concept is to mimic how you run on land, but still, it's tougher since you have resistancy with water. It is a good workout, nonetheless, and I think I'll probably be doing more of that.
Tuesday was an absolutely beautiful day here. It was such a welcome break from all the rain. I had a PT appointment in the morning. That went well overall, and I did ask for her to give me some guidelines in terms of running mileage. She gave me some leeway, so I'm trying hard to stick by those numbers, although it feels like nothing. Because yesterday was such a gorgeous day, I couldn't resist passing up a rub. I know there won't be many if any of 60+ degree weather going into the winter season. My run went really well. It was interesting, because it felt different. I don't know if it was from being in the pool or what, but it just felt more fluid.
After I got home and expected to just retire for the evening, three of the four of my landlord's horses were in my driveway. I soon figured out the gate to the back fell down. This is where you definitely have to think on your feet. Though I've met these horses, I could not for the life of me remember their names--something to do with star and blazing. Anyway, two of the three are skittish, so that did not help matters.
I quickly ran into my place and grabbed some carrots, apples and a dog leash. I guess it was a good thing I had those carrots and apples. None of them had halters, so the one who wasn't as skittish, I was able to put my dog leash on and lead him to the back. However, he then decided to halt. Pulling on him wasn't going to do anything. I finally got him to go in by moving the gate a bit, so she could go around. The other two who did follow this horse but were reluctant in everything else. So I had to do some big time luring with apples and carrots. I eventually got both of them to go to the back and put the gate back up. So far, they have stayed there, and when I got home at noon, they were all hanging out by the gate. Probably looking for my food or something. Anyway, that was quite a surprise.
Another cool surprise the other night was that I saw a baby owl. I literally almost ran over it leaving work. I checked to see if it was okay, and then flew away. I had never seen an owl like that close up without it being for some educational purpose, that was very neat.
Well, I'm hoping the rest of the week will be uneventful. I still need to shop or at least get some ideas of things to get people. I just feel very blaise about Christmas this year.
The bike went well overall, and I had a good workout. I'm still unsure of what constitutes high mileage. I tried the vertical stationary bike instead of the reclining one. It was more comfortable, but my butt was sore afterwards. After that, I headed to the pool to try the new water belt. I was not sure how it would go. First, I have major issues with being in any type of swimsuit, though I can at least seem appear more normal in a one piece. I tried hard not to focus on that, realizing that once I was in the pool, it's not like people would be seeing my bathing suit. The other thing I was worried about was getting bored. However, that didn't happen since apparently the local high school's swim team was practicing. It ended up being a bit loud, but I just concentrated on what I was doing. I'm not sure if I did it correctly. I know the basic concept is to mimic how you run on land, but still, it's tougher since you have resistancy with water. It is a good workout, nonetheless, and I think I'll probably be doing more of that.
Tuesday was an absolutely beautiful day here. It was such a welcome break from all the rain. I had a PT appointment in the morning. That went well overall, and I did ask for her to give me some guidelines in terms of running mileage. She gave me some leeway, so I'm trying hard to stick by those numbers, although it feels like nothing. Because yesterday was such a gorgeous day, I couldn't resist passing up a rub. I know there won't be many if any of 60+ degree weather going into the winter season. My run went really well. It was interesting, because it felt different. I don't know if it was from being in the pool or what, but it just felt more fluid.
After I got home and expected to just retire for the evening, three of the four of my landlord's horses were in my driveway. I soon figured out the gate to the back fell down. This is where you definitely have to think on your feet. Though I've met these horses, I could not for the life of me remember their names--something to do with star and blazing. Anyway, two of the three are skittish, so that did not help matters.
I quickly ran into my place and grabbed some carrots, apples and a dog leash. I guess it was a good thing I had those carrots and apples. None of them had halters, so the one who wasn't as skittish, I was able to put my dog leash on and lead him to the back. However, he then decided to halt. Pulling on him wasn't going to do anything. I finally got him to go in by moving the gate a bit, so she could go around. The other two who did follow this horse but were reluctant in everything else. So I had to do some big time luring with apples and carrots. I eventually got both of them to go to the back and put the gate back up. So far, they have stayed there, and when I got home at noon, they were all hanging out by the gate. Probably looking for my food or something. Anyway, that was quite a surprise.
Another cool surprise the other night was that I saw a baby owl. I literally almost ran over it leaving work. I checked to see if it was okay, and then flew away. I had never seen an owl like that close up without it being for some educational purpose, that was very neat.
Well, I'm hoping the rest of the week will be uneventful. I still need to shop or at least get some ideas of things to get people. I just feel very blaise about Christmas this year.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Rain, rain, and more rain
I don't mind a little rain and yes, over the summer we definitely needed it. However, I can only stand about two consecutive days of rain before I just about scream. It wouldn't be so bad if things just got wet and could easily be dried off. It's the mud I can't stand, especially having to dry off my dogs every time they come in and out of the rain. They are good about it, but it wears on them as well. I noticed that parts of my yard are also becoming mud puddles. Hay and rocks only last for so long until they become impounded into the ground by my yours truly dogs who decide to create even more craters.
Heavy rain also disturbs my running outdoor schedule, although I have run in pouring down rain, usually, it's that I get caught in it more than I deliberately go out in it. You'd be amazed too at how many dogs are actually out in the heavy rain. I feel quite sorry for them.
Despite the rain, the rest of the weekend has been okay, kind of uneventful really. I joined a center here in town that is part of the parks and recreation. It's like a YMCA. There are a number of classes there, a weight/fitness room, a pool, basketball courts, a small walking track, etc. I figure I'd try 20 sessions and see what I thought before committing to anything else. Even though I'm into exercise, I have never been what I'd call a "gym junkie." I'm just not the type to drive somewhere to go workout (well, I think there are some other issues too), however, I figured that this might be a good alternative to when the weather is crappy. Plus, I got the okay from my physical therapist about aquatic therapy. Her face just lit up when I asked her about it. She essentially said that the amount I was running (even though I do not perceive this as a lot), was in her words "killing my hamstring." It was so obvious she wanted to say something to me, and I pointed this out to her. However, she understood telling a runner to stop was pretty difficult since she, herself, was a runner.
I'm hoping today to go into town and see about an aquatic belt. I'd really like to try this whole running in water thing. I'm still a little unsure about it and wish I had some kind of manual. It shouldn't take rocket science to figure out, right? I'll let you know how it goes.
This week, in general, is going to be a little longer for me. Although I don't mind working more and I agreed to it, I am just a little more limited in the evenings. Seeing that I am way behind on Christmas shopping, it's not helpful. I seem to be having a more difficult time in thinking of neat things to get people. Nothing that is major, but more unique. And there's only like what two weeks left! It's kind of scary to think about honestly.
Well better get off to start my day.
Heavy rain also disturbs my running outdoor schedule, although I have run in pouring down rain, usually, it's that I get caught in it more than I deliberately go out in it. You'd be amazed too at how many dogs are actually out in the heavy rain. I feel quite sorry for them.
Despite the rain, the rest of the weekend has been okay, kind of uneventful really. I joined a center here in town that is part of the parks and recreation. It's like a YMCA. There are a number of classes there, a weight/fitness room, a pool, basketball courts, a small walking track, etc. I figure I'd try 20 sessions and see what I thought before committing to anything else. Even though I'm into exercise, I have never been what I'd call a "gym junkie." I'm just not the type to drive somewhere to go workout (well, I think there are some other issues too), however, I figured that this might be a good alternative to when the weather is crappy. Plus, I got the okay from my physical therapist about aquatic therapy. Her face just lit up when I asked her about it. She essentially said that the amount I was running (even though I do not perceive this as a lot), was in her words "killing my hamstring." It was so obvious she wanted to say something to me, and I pointed this out to her. However, she understood telling a runner to stop was pretty difficult since she, herself, was a runner.
I'm hoping today to go into town and see about an aquatic belt. I'd really like to try this whole running in water thing. I'm still a little unsure about it and wish I had some kind of manual. It shouldn't take rocket science to figure out, right? I'll let you know how it goes.
This week, in general, is going to be a little longer for me. Although I don't mind working more and I agreed to it, I am just a little more limited in the evenings. Seeing that I am way behind on Christmas shopping, it's not helpful. I seem to be having a more difficult time in thinking of neat things to get people. Nothing that is major, but more unique. And there's only like what two weeks left! It's kind of scary to think about honestly.
Well better get off to start my day.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Off to a good start
Despite one of my dogs (he shall go unnamed) deciding to wake me up at 4 AM to go out, the morning has started off well. I was super happy to find a great deal on running shoes. My PT pointed out to me that I really needed a new pair yesterday. I already knew this but had been dragging my feet (pun intended) about it.
While I was going my online shopping, I hear lots of clang and bang. I knew one of my dogs (yes, the one who woke me up at 4 AM) was performing his daily job of retrieving the doggie bowls. Well, he brought one to the sliding glass door and just dropped it there. However, a few minutes later, he comes to come with two bowls! I was quite ecstatic over this, especially since I'd only worked with him the other day on getting two bowls at the same time. He got lots of praise and treats for that one. It's quite astonishing sometimes to think just what goes through our four-legged minds. I posted recently about cognitive abilities in dogs, so this is just another one to be impressed at in my book. Now, I'm just waiting for all three bowls! I'm sure he will get it though, he's a smart cookie.
While I was going my online shopping, I hear lots of clang and bang. I knew one of my dogs (yes, the one who woke me up at 4 AM) was performing his daily job of retrieving the doggie bowls. Well, he brought one to the sliding glass door and just dropped it there. However, a few minutes later, he comes to come with two bowls! I was quite ecstatic over this, especially since I'd only worked with him the other day on getting two bowls at the same time. He got lots of praise and treats for that one. It's quite astonishing sometimes to think just what goes through our four-legged minds. I posted recently about cognitive abilities in dogs, so this is just another one to be impressed at in my book. Now, I'm just waiting for all three bowls! I'm sure he will get it though, he's a smart cookie.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Designer dogs
So have you ever heard of a Cavachon? Or Chiweenie? Or what about a Labmaraner? Yep, these are all designer dogs. The Cavachon is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel x Bischon Frise. The Chiweenie is a Chihuaha x Dachshuund. The Labmaraner is a Labrador Retriever x Weimeraner.
When I was at the bookstore yesterday, I ran across a book about designer dogs. In it, it listed all the different designer dog,s and oh my, there were a lot. Most of us are familiar with the influx of "poodle" crosses. There is the Labradoodle, the Goldendoodle, the Schnoodle, the Maltipoo, Cockapoo, etc. Recently, Puggles have become quite popular. Many of the dogs listed in this book, I've never even heard of.
I think the thing that gets to me most about designer dogs is that they are just crossbreeds or hybrids which people are willing to pay quite a lot of money for. As with anything, there is no guarantee the dog is going to have the best traits of each breed.
If anyone wants to take a look at the enormous list of designer dogs, it can be seen at ACHC
When I was at the bookstore yesterday, I ran across a book about designer dogs. In it, it listed all the different designer dog,s and oh my, there were a lot. Most of us are familiar with the influx of "poodle" crosses. There is the Labradoodle, the Goldendoodle, the Schnoodle, the Maltipoo, Cockapoo, etc. Recently, Puggles have become quite popular. Many of the dogs listed in this book, I've never even heard of.
I think the thing that gets to me most about designer dogs is that they are just crossbreeds or hybrids which people are willing to pay quite a lot of money for. As with anything, there is no guarantee the dog is going to have the best traits of each breed.
If anyone wants to take a look at the enormous list of designer dogs, it can be seen at ACHC
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Feeling productive
Well, yesterday and today, I've been feeling pretty productive. I got just about everything done on my list which does make me feel like I have accomplished things. I took a run in the afternoon. Yes, it was bitterly cold. I did see a bunch of wild turkey which was cool. A lot of dogs were out as well. I don't get how people leave out dachshunds and chihuahas in below freezing weather.
After that, I went by the computer store, dropped off the computer and prayed it wouldn't be too expensive to fix. This is my old computer which I'm giving to a friend of mine. I need some more desk space, so I really want to get rid of this computer. Then I went to the bank, stopped by the grocery store. I knew they were still having their $.99 deal on Luna bars, however, the selection was awful. And no peanut butter ones! I got six since I have coupons that will expire at the end of the year. Then I stopped by the bookstore and perused it for awhile. My intention was just to look for boxed Christmas cards. Somehow, I did not see them and wound up going around the entire store. The selection of cards were not very good. Actually, this year, hey haven't been. I was also expecting some discount but maybe it's too early for that or I'm shopping for them earlier that years past. I found one acceptable box. Then I stopped by the natural food store to yes get some more Luna bars. Their selection was much better than the other store, but again no peanut butter ones! I told the cashier this, and she said they would order some more. Literally, twice at both stores, there have been no peanut butter ones. For some reason, this just pisses me off.
After that ordeal, I headed home, however, I could not remember for the life of me where I parked. I must have gone around five or six times looking for my car. I eventually did find it and drove home.
I went home after that, fixed dinner for the dogs and me. I also made some cookies for my mother to send. Next week is her birthday, so U thought she might like some snickerdoodles and some coffee candies I picked up. When I woke up this morning, I packaged everything, then headed to physical therapy. the session was okay, although I got kind of a funny look when my PT asked me how today went (I was with the PTA today). I told her okay except I couldn't do one of the ball exercises which just hurt my leg too much. Somehow I just feel bad about it I guess.
I need to get going. I think the dog dremel is not broken after all. Yeah! I need to go do that, then head to work, then by the bank again, and may take a walk with one of the dogs this evening.
After that, I went by the computer store, dropped off the computer and prayed it wouldn't be too expensive to fix. This is my old computer which I'm giving to a friend of mine. I need some more desk space, so I really want to get rid of this computer. Then I went to the bank, stopped by the grocery store. I knew they were still having their $.99 deal on Luna bars, however, the selection was awful. And no peanut butter ones! I got six since I have coupons that will expire at the end of the year. Then I stopped by the bookstore and perused it for awhile. My intention was just to look for boxed Christmas cards. Somehow, I did not see them and wound up going around the entire store. The selection of cards were not very good. Actually, this year, hey haven't been. I was also expecting some discount but maybe it's too early for that or I'm shopping for them earlier that years past. I found one acceptable box. Then I stopped by the natural food store to yes get some more Luna bars. Their selection was much better than the other store, but again no peanut butter ones! I told the cashier this, and she said they would order some more. Literally, twice at both stores, there have been no peanut butter ones. For some reason, this just pisses me off.
After that ordeal, I headed home, however, I could not remember for the life of me where I parked. I must have gone around five or six times looking for my car. I eventually did find it and drove home.
I went home after that, fixed dinner for the dogs and me. I also made some cookies for my mother to send. Next week is her birthday, so U thought she might like some snickerdoodles and some coffee candies I picked up. When I woke up this morning, I packaged everything, then headed to physical therapy. the session was okay, although I got kind of a funny look when my PT asked me how today went (I was with the PTA today). I told her okay except I couldn't do one of the ball exercises which just hurt my leg too much. Somehow I just feel bad about it I guess.
I need to get going. I think the dog dremel is not broken after all. Yeah! I need to go do that, then head to work, then by the bank again, and may take a walk with one of the dogs this evening.
Intervention
I do not watch the A&E show "Intervention" on a daily basis, but I happened to be flipping through channels and saw it was on last night. I was watching something else, so I ended up staying up until 1:00 AM to catch the encore of it. It was about a severely anorectic young woman named Emily. I actually think for the most part, it was okay-- maybe a few too many shots of her body nude, like in a shower, dressing, etc. which I didn't think were necessary.
I could relate with some of her feelings like unworthiness, not feeling like you deserved pleasure, that you didn't measure up to everyone, etc. With this young woman, to me, there were a lot of factors stemming from the family. Not that they were intentional but as always were major contributors to the development of her eating disorder. Since she had an identical twin sister who seemed to have it all, she always felt in her shadow. As one twin grew more confident and self-assured with life, Emily stood by the sidelines and began shrinking. This whole set up reminds me of Shelly from the documentary "Thin." She had similar issues with being an identical twin. I can definitely see how the whole identity crisis can be difficult.
Also, another key factor into Emily's illness was being date raped. It was never said whether she received any counseling for this. I remember reading an article recently that said how trauma changes the way we view the world. Here's an excerpt from the trauma study at Cornell University:
Cornell researchers report that rapes, sudden deaths of loved ones, life-threatening accidents and other such traumas may result in enduring changes on how an individual views the world.
Since the show is called "Intervention," Emily had one with her family around. She eventually accepted treatment at Casa Palmera for 90 days. The last clip of her shows her being very motivated, saying she really wanted to give recovery a chance, that it was like a lightbulb went off. However, the last screen where they tell the progress of each participant said she had lost 7 pounds while there and was discharged to medical care. The remaining part of treatment, she was tube fed and went to Remuda Ranch.
The show ended up bitter sweet I guess. I still have a lot of issue with treatment and eating disorders. Maybe I am very biased, because I feel like I've never truly had an advocate or a professional say "I won't see you anymore unless you go IP," or something to that effect. The worst ultimatum I had was when my college therapist was about to ditch me, because I refused to get a physical for several months due to fear. She was willing to help me get through the door at least, and in the end, it wound up being one of the best moves I made.
It just seems so hard when you don't look the part and you fall under the radar. A part of you feels great that you go undetected, but another part of you screams out for someone to notice, to care, to say "this is not okay." I often wonder what my physical therapist thinks. The PT and PTA just keep asking me if I run everyday which I don't. I just run a minimum of X miles.
Then there is my father. He says I need to stop running for 2-3 months to give my hamstring a chance to heal. Okay, this may be true, but it's not what you say to someone with eating and exercising issues. He's just like "well walk then. You'll be fine, you look great, what's the problem." I just want to shout at him and say "Yeah, I may look great, but it's only due to being very active and probably not eating enough." Oh yeah, that's right, he thinks the average sedentary person really only needs 1200-1500 calories/day and that would solve the obesity problem.
Anyway, I'm going off tangent about this. As I said, it's great that these people on shows like Intervention are getting the help they need, it just feels like the rest of us are left in the dust. Any residential treatment facility is a fortune and most of us do not have that type of money to shell out. It's just a sad reality.
I could relate with some of her feelings like unworthiness, not feeling like you deserved pleasure, that you didn't measure up to everyone, etc. With this young woman, to me, there were a lot of factors stemming from the family. Not that they were intentional but as always were major contributors to the development of her eating disorder. Since she had an identical twin sister who seemed to have it all, she always felt in her shadow. As one twin grew more confident and self-assured with life, Emily stood by the sidelines and began shrinking. This whole set up reminds me of Shelly from the documentary "Thin." She had similar issues with being an identical twin. I can definitely see how the whole identity crisis can be difficult.
Also, another key factor into Emily's illness was being date raped. It was never said whether she received any counseling for this. I remember reading an article recently that said how trauma changes the way we view the world. Here's an excerpt from the trauma study at Cornell University:
Cornell researchers report that rapes, sudden deaths of loved ones, life-threatening accidents and other such traumas may result in enduring changes on how an individual views the world.
Since the show is called "Intervention," Emily had one with her family around. She eventually accepted treatment at Casa Palmera for 90 days. The last clip of her shows her being very motivated, saying she really wanted to give recovery a chance, that it was like a lightbulb went off. However, the last screen where they tell the progress of each participant said she had lost 7 pounds while there and was discharged to medical care. The remaining part of treatment, she was tube fed and went to Remuda Ranch.
The show ended up bitter sweet I guess. I still have a lot of issue with treatment and eating disorders. Maybe I am very biased, because I feel like I've never truly had an advocate or a professional say "I won't see you anymore unless you go IP," or something to that effect. The worst ultimatum I had was when my college therapist was about to ditch me, because I refused to get a physical for several months due to fear. She was willing to help me get through the door at least, and in the end, it wound up being one of the best moves I made.
It just seems so hard when you don't look the part and you fall under the radar. A part of you feels great that you go undetected, but another part of you screams out for someone to notice, to care, to say "this is not okay." I often wonder what my physical therapist thinks. The PT and PTA just keep asking me if I run everyday which I don't. I just run a minimum of X miles.
Then there is my father. He says I need to stop running for 2-3 months to give my hamstring a chance to heal. Okay, this may be true, but it's not what you say to someone with eating and exercising issues. He's just like "well walk then. You'll be fine, you look great, what's the problem." I just want to shout at him and say "Yeah, I may look great, but it's only due to being very active and probably not eating enough." Oh yeah, that's right, he thinks the average sedentary person really only needs 1200-1500 calories/day and that would solve the obesity problem.
Anyway, I'm going off tangent about this. As I said, it's great that these people on shows like Intervention are getting the help they need, it just feels like the rest of us are left in the dust. Any residential treatment facility is a fortune and most of us do not have that type of money to shell out. It's just a sad reality.
Monday, December 3, 2007
New Brain imaging and Anorexia
In recent years, researchers have been looking at brain images and activity of a variety of illnesses, including eating disorders. Dr. Walter Kaye from University of Pittsburgh and University of California at San Diego has been one of the forerunners in researching the genetics and brain functions of those with eating disorders. In a 2005 study, it was found there was an overactivity of dopamine in the brain in those who had recovered from anorexia. Another study published earlier this fall showed how there were links between starvation and ectasy. This latest one on brain imaging and recovered anorectics using fMRIs is the hot article of the week. What is interesting about this study is that researchers are able to see how anorexia works in the brain in "real time" with the use of fMRI.
Personally, I think this is really helpful in terms of how the brain works with those with eating disorders. Now, this is of course can't be a blank statement until more studies are done are a larger representation sample. Hopefully, more funding will be available for studies like this.
Personally, I think this is really helpful in terms of how the brain works with those with eating disorders. Now, this is of course can't be a blank statement until more studies are done are a larger representation sample. Hopefully, more funding will be available for studies like this.
Anxiety hanging by a thread
I had planned a whole "to do" list today. So far I've gotten one item done since 7 AM. Since Mondays are my full day off, I always feel a "need" to get a lot of stuff done. There are a few things I really have to get done today. That requires driving into town which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just have a tendency to only want to go into when I have multiple things to do.
One thing I'd planned on doing today was dremeling the dogs' nails. I was in a good mood as opposed to yesterday, so I know I would have been more tolerable with them. Most of the time they are pretty good, but there are times when they truly hate that piece of machinery, especially Daphne. So I go to plug the dremel in, but nothing. Hmm, I thought maybe it needed to be charged, so I waited a few minutes. Again nothing. I moved it to another outlet thinking maybe it was the outlet which I know wasn't really the case but decided to humor myself. Nope, no little red light to signify it was on. Ugh! Their nails really need to be done as it's probably the one thing I neglect with them consistently. It's not on purpose, I just forget. If it doesn't work tonight, I'm going to have to buy a new one. That really wasn't what I wanted to spend some of my extra money from dog sitting on. I had planned on buying some new running shoes. It seems like one thing breaks, then just another. Within the two months, my coffee grinder broke, one of my noodle bowls broke, my cell phone got dunked in liquid and fried, several hair bands broke, and now this dremel. Maybe karma is out to get me or something with things I need.
Anyway, I sit here with this whole long laundry list of things to do, and yes that includes laundry too. If I'm right about my calculations, I really have until tomorrow too, I just hope to get the bulk of it done today. Running is on my to do list today. I did not run yesterday as it was pouring rain, and I didn't want to get my shoes wet again. Right now, I only have one pair, hence wanting to get a new pair, so it takes about a day in a half for them to dry out. Someone mentioned to me about some kind of fan or something you could get for your dryer to air shoes. Anyone know about this?
I'm contemplating the running today. The weather is a mere 28 degrees with 10mph wind. Part of me says you're nuts to go out in this weather, another part of me says, you'll feel better if you go out and run, and yet another part of me says, you ate too much this weekend mindlessly and need to go run. So which voice do I listen to? I hate when I get like this to a point. That's why I like when I'm running almost everyday, and I just don't have to think about it even if it's not that healthy. I think this is part of the reason for the anxiety which I felt this weekend. That and also irritability. I think the possible thought of having to stop running again all together is somehow causing fear once again. I didn't seem to have a problem with it a month ago, so why now? Maybe the motivation factor is up, or the sense of wanting to be on a "schedule," not have to think or feel too much.
I was talking to my dad about this hamstring injury asking him his opinion on how long it could take. He didn't give me a straight answer, just saying it all depended on the severity. Then he said, "you know don't have to run as far unless that is your goal." I just replied with I know. Part of my thinking is that it is stupid to get all bundled up to run in less than 40 degree weather and be out for only ten minutes. What's the use of that? Do I just not see the logic in that?
This is the time when I think i need to buy a treadmill, a bike, something for indoor, cold, rainy weather. Maybe that'll be on one of my future to do lists.
One thing I'd planned on doing today was dremeling the dogs' nails. I was in a good mood as opposed to yesterday, so I know I would have been more tolerable with them. Most of the time they are pretty good, but there are times when they truly hate that piece of machinery, especially Daphne. So I go to plug the dremel in, but nothing. Hmm, I thought maybe it needed to be charged, so I waited a few minutes. Again nothing. I moved it to another outlet thinking maybe it was the outlet which I know wasn't really the case but decided to humor myself. Nope, no little red light to signify it was on. Ugh! Their nails really need to be done as it's probably the one thing I neglect with them consistently. It's not on purpose, I just forget. If it doesn't work tonight, I'm going to have to buy a new one. That really wasn't what I wanted to spend some of my extra money from dog sitting on. I had planned on buying some new running shoes. It seems like one thing breaks, then just another. Within the two months, my coffee grinder broke, one of my noodle bowls broke, my cell phone got dunked in liquid and fried, several hair bands broke, and now this dremel. Maybe karma is out to get me or something with things I need.
Anyway, I sit here with this whole long laundry list of things to do, and yes that includes laundry too. If I'm right about my calculations, I really have until tomorrow too, I just hope to get the bulk of it done today. Running is on my to do list today. I did not run yesterday as it was pouring rain, and I didn't want to get my shoes wet again. Right now, I only have one pair, hence wanting to get a new pair, so it takes about a day in a half for them to dry out. Someone mentioned to me about some kind of fan or something you could get for your dryer to air shoes. Anyone know about this?
I'm contemplating the running today. The weather is a mere 28 degrees with 10mph wind. Part of me says you're nuts to go out in this weather, another part of me says, you'll feel better if you go out and run, and yet another part of me says, you ate too much this weekend mindlessly and need to go run. So which voice do I listen to? I hate when I get like this to a point. That's why I like when I'm running almost everyday, and I just don't have to think about it even if it's not that healthy. I think this is part of the reason for the anxiety which I felt this weekend. That and also irritability. I think the possible thought of having to stop running again all together is somehow causing fear once again. I didn't seem to have a problem with it a month ago, so why now? Maybe the motivation factor is up, or the sense of wanting to be on a "schedule," not have to think or feel too much.
I was talking to my dad about this hamstring injury asking him his opinion on how long it could take. He didn't give me a straight answer, just saying it all depended on the severity. Then he said, "you know don't have to run as far unless that is your goal." I just replied with I know. Part of my thinking is that it is stupid to get all bundled up to run in less than 40 degree weather and be out for only ten minutes. What's the use of that? Do I just not see the logic in that?
This is the time when I think i need to buy a treadmill, a bike, something for indoor, cold, rainy weather. Maybe that'll be on one of my future to do lists.
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