Between Living and Existing

Possible relationship?

2012-01-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

Today's post: dating. Some people love it, others hate it. I think I fall in the in-between. In my last post, I mentioned a new Match guy. I'll call him Music Match. We've had two dates so far and both went really well. But then, there was a snafu last night. He wanted to come by and pick me up at my house which made me uber uncomfortable. I said I'd rather meet somewhere. This led him to feel like I was not trusting him, that this offended him, that I was being paranoid, and that by the third date, it was customary for a guy to pick up his date at her place. We ended this chat at midnight and continued it this morning.

He wrote an e-mail, apologizing for jumping down my throat, expressing what he felt, why he felt that way, and that yes, he was interested in a relationship with me. The e-mail was very helpful and it did make sense. He's not a dater, he's had some failed relationship experiences, is ready for a real relationship, expects "barriers" as he puts it to be broken down by each date (my comment of meeting elsewhere made him feel like we were at square 1), the time and financial commitment he's made so far (it is a 90 minute drive for him, and our dates have been 3-4 hours long), and that he understood if I wanted to "shop" around.

I responded back giving my viewpoint which was helpful to him as well. Basically, I said I was not a "shopper," that I did think there was relationship potential, that I equated "house/visiting" with intimacy which sort of scares me (okay scares me a lot), that I understood the financial and time commitment (though I must admit in the back of my head, I'm thinking if he is already moving here, then he it's like a kill two birds with one stone type of thing), and that we likely both overreacted a little.

He agreed with all I said and said if he was going to pick me up, it would be a drive by, honk the horn type of thing which did make me feel better. But still, it did almost seem like he was going to dump me just because I wouldn't let him pick me up at my house.

We corresponded back and forth for a few additional e-mails, and one statement jumped out at me: "I've met women in the past where it would take a bulldozer to get through the walls they've built up over the years." Gosh, I'm really hoping that is not me. I reassured him I was not that type of woman, but does fear of intimacy make me that type of woman? He apparently is a bit opposite in this way and easily displays it once in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like intimacy (in whatever form), but I have some reservations about it. Plus, I think body image issues kind of wave back in. This almost made me feel like calling my former T. who I haven't spoken to in like two years, though I have sent her holiday cards. Then, I think that maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, and once I feel more comfortable, I will feel differently.

In a funny kind of way, we are both glad we had this conversation. We plan on meeting on Monday.

So to all you daters out there, does his seem fast? Was I overreacting in not wanting him to pick me up at my house? Do you equate house visiting with intimacy?

A semi-update

2012-01-14T21:03:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to give an update on here and tell everyone about my new endeavors, however, I realized that would not be the best thing until after a few months. I promise soon thought to announce it. Actually, it probably won't surprise many of you anyway, but it was quite a big step for me to take in life. With that, there are always worries and concerns, but I'm trying hard not to let all those small things affect me and just see where this goes.

So what else is going on with my life? Well, my teeth are still a big issue. The other day I had 4 cavities filled, so my entire mouth was numb! One cavity, near the bridge that needs to be taken off, is quite achey. I may have to get the bridge off sooner than I had planned. Eating disorders really kill your teeth even AFTER the fact when you are in recovery. So please people, take your teeth seriously.

How is recovery going for me? Actually pretty good for the most part. I still have a bit of woes of thinking, this is a bit flabby, or I could tone up, or run more, etc., but overall, I haven't denied myself intentionally in a long time, so long I can't really remember. I use the word intentionally there, because there have been times where I skipped breakfast due to lack of cognizant thought, or getting carried away with other work. At my dentist appt., that was one of the first things I asked , when can I eat?

Over the holidays, I had a lot of yummy desserts, spent time with my dad, went to the Zoo's Festival of Lights, and saw the new rendition of Footloose. It turned into a nice holiday.

Surprisingly, my biggest goal for the holiday was to get Clover to wear a Santa hat for a photo. It took awhile, but after some problem solving, I finally got her to wear it. Here's a photo of her:

Lastly, I'm back on the dating bandwagon. I had a really nice 3-hour lunch date with a new Match guy. He lives 90 minutes away but is moving to this area in the next 3 months, so he is currently looking at property. We're meeting again this week. This guy is also very different--a music writer but not like the musician type. I'll see if this goes anywhere. Those reading the blog long enough know I've had quite a few first and last dates.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-25T10:49:00.000-05:00

I know it has been forever since I have written, and I promise, I'll write an update on things going on in Tiptoe's life. It's been rather busy in a positive way.

But I want to take a moment and wish all of you a Happy Holiday! Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or anything else, I hope you have a wonderful holiday! I know holidays are not easy for everyone, but I hope you can rest aside your demons, treat yourself well, and simply enjoy the day.

As always, here are a few holiday photos from my crew. I'm still working on the photo of Clover with her Santa hat.

SAR trip

2011-11-12T20:15:00.001-05:00

Some of you may have wondered how my first Search and Rescue seminar went last weekend. Overall, it went really really well. Part of my fears were re-evaluated, others did come true. But in the end, I was able to handle them all.

First, the good: Tovah did great! For the last several weeks, I had forgone working on what we call an "indication" with her - the alert that tells the handler, "yes, there is something here." Instead, I had done some other exercises to up her enthusiasm. When I came into this seminar, my criteria for her was just to find the cadaver odor. Well, she not only found it, but she indicated too. I was both surprised and thrilled.

This is a scent box. A scent, whatever it may be, cadaver, a drug, etc. will be placed in it. The dog smells it, and then when indicating correctly, a ball is thrown into the tube. Dogs who are very ball-driven love this!

Tovah likes balls but prefers food. But when it is novel, she goes for the ball immediately.

She had a little trouble with some scenarios, but that is mostly the workings of a beginner. The scenarios where she had to indicate were: 2 hidden cadaver odors on trails, the perimeter of an empty cabin, inside the empty cabin, and discriminate the correct birdhouse (of 5) with the cadaver scent. We did this both on Saturday and Sunday, and Sunday, she was even better. I was truly excited for her.

My fear that she was "not good" enough was pre-emptive. Sometimes, I have this impression that my dog must be "intense" as many I see, but as one attendee with a dual certified dog in both HRD (human remains detection) and live-find (meaning finding a live person) said, "You don't need an intense dog, just a dog who will get the job done." Those were great words for me to hear.

On Saturday night, we had a mock night search. Basically, we split up into 7 teams. Then, we had certain locations that we were to search in. Some of us were searching for "evidence," while others were looking for missing persons. My team was looking for "evidence." The people organizing the seminar, they actually go and plant the "evidence" and the missing persons, aka mannequins. I was so happy for myself in finding an empty milk dud container that could have been evidence. A teammate found the "gun" which was the major item we were supposed to find. The other teams found most of what they were supposed to as well. It is a bit strange, because although this seminar was at a state park, why in the heck would some people be walking around on the trails at night when it is pitch dark with no lights! One team also spotted Abraham Lincoln! I later learned from some of my other teammates that sometimes the searches had to be called off. The most recent, a few years ago, was some campers who had a meth lab going. Eeek!

Now, the fear that did come true was the food situation. I knew it was going to be dining hall style meals, but they did not expect any who were vegetarian. (I do eat fish, but there were none) The cooks just happen to overhear me talking to another person how I was vegetarian, so he pulled me aside and showed me what they had. Yep, you guessed it, salad. Not that I mind that so much, but the salad was the bagged pre-made mostly iceberg lettuce type. I think the only other thing to be added to it was tomatoes. I do not call myself a food snob per se, but if I have a salad to eat, it is with nutritious foods--no iceberg lettuce for me! also, I almost always add some protein source--fish, a veggie burger, tofu, etc.

I had two options: either fret and not eat or make do with what I had. I chose the latter. Plus, I would have felt guilty since the people were so kind to me. They wanted to make sure I had something to eat. They basically gave me special treatment in saying anytime I wanted to come into the kitchen I could. This is not to say that there were other items that were inedible, there were just no real protein sources for me at dinner time. I made do though and joked with the others at the table that it was good I was not afraid of carbs. LOL

Other than that, and the fact the cabins were a little more rustic than I thought, and I stepped in poop on Saturday night, this first seminar experience went well. I feel a little more confident in my and my dog's abilities and hope to continue on with SAR work. The next big seminar I have my eye on is one at Western Carolina University specifically for HRD dogs. It is in early March with the registration opening on January 11 at 1pm EST. I only put these specifics in, because there are a limited number of handlers (30 I think), and the one for last weekend, sold out in 9 minutes! Whoa! Gosh, I have absolutely no clue what I will be doing on that day, but I certainly hope to be at my computer, waiting to hit the register button. I should also say the reason why this workshop is so coveted is 1) it is geared strictly to HRD dogs and 2) your dog gets a chance to be exposed to full dead bodies at FOREST aka the "body farm." You just don't get that everyday.

A few other photos:

Tovah going through the tunnel. The agility equipment set up was nice for dogs to blow off steam.

Tovah on A-frame

We had a surprise visit from St. Mary's life force team in their helicopter. Tovah got a chance to go in one.

View near our cabins. This was taken in the early morning when the sun had just come up.

First Search and Rescue seminar preparation

2011-11-03T13:54:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, Tovah and I are leaving for our first Search and Rescue seminar. I am STOKED but also incredibly nervous. We will be meeting up with another SAR dog person (I met her a few months ago at one of our group training sessions, and we really hit it off - she owns a small daycare and boarding kennel) and following each other to the camp site.

Since she has been there before, she has given me some idea of what to expect. This is good for me, because I get really nervous at these kinds of settings, partly for dog reasons, partly for me reasons.

The dog reasons:

I get worried that my dog will do horribly, and that the instructor will say she is not fit to do this work.
I get worried that she will not behave that well (really she is pretty good except meeting new dogs on leash - hence partly why I haven't done the CGC test with her).

I know this really small potatoes, but there is still an element of wanting to excel there, especially as a dog trainer and being around such knowledgeable, trained people and dogs.

As for the me reasons:

I have no idea what food is there other than I've been told, they feed you really well.
I have no idea of the conditions of the cabin. I just know I need to bring my own bedding. I think everything else is furnished, but I just worry anyway.
Though I'm really excited about the mock night trial (no dogs, just handlers), I feel unprepared. I know I have some stuff for "survival" if needed but not all of it. Some of that stuff is expensive! I've been told there is a time limit of 4 hours to find the victim. Apparently, one year it took the entire 4 hours, but last year it only took like 10 minutes.

I know some people would relate this similar to the large conference I was at in San Diego. The difference with this one is that I'm really going in blindly. At least with the conference, there was predictability. Certainly, I have gotten better with this over time, but still, it does cause some anxiety.

And then, there is my car. Yesterday, my car overheated. Luckily, I was only 0.5 mile from my house at a stoplight when all the sudden I see steam from my car. Then, I look at my thermostat on "H." I made it home, shut off the car, got stuff out of my car, called a repair shop, and then called AAA to tow my car there. (By the way, if you don't have AAA, it is worth getting. There is no cost if you have to be towed, and you can have multiple people on the policy) The strange thing is that I didn't have any indication from my car, other than a slightly unpleasant smell which I did not think anything of. I had this happen before when I was 16 and blew the transmission out I believe, so I was expecting some kind of similar sign but did not notice anything.

The car repair place called this morning and said it was a radiator problem. The good news is that it is an easy repair and the car will be fixed today. The bad news is that it is more costly than I'd like. However, I know it could have been worse. In the back of my mind, I almost though this was some sort of weird sign telling me I shouldn't go. I also learned one of the main roads to get to the camp site is closed until early December. I'm hoping the GPS reroutes me well and doesn't take me through some small windy roads.

This is certainly an adventure. I'm hoping to learn a lot, make some new contacts, and simply have fun. Oh yes, and there is a helicopter landing! I'll give an update when I get back.

Unlabel me

2011-11-01T10:10:00.002-04:00

I don't have a huge amount of time right now - really need to be doing other computer things, but I wanted to post this photo. (It's been sitting in my draft folder for a week now) I was reminded of it when I recently read a post by another dog trainer talking about how some of her friends called her the "Dog Whisperer." I have also been named this at times as well. None of this would be so bad other than this trainer and myself, well, we just don't align with the modern day Dog Whisperer techniques (Paul Owens was actually the original dog whisperer, titling a book the same name back in 1999. His book offered dog training guidance in compassionate, non-violent methods) Although the people who "label" us this do not mean any offense by it, but rather, they are actually trying to give a compliment of sorts.

So labels, do they give importance? What are the values in them? I can see both sides of the argument on this, but for the purpose of this blog on eating disorder recovery, labels do have a tendency to narrow you into one definition. Anyone who has dealt with insurance certainly knows this.

In recovery, I think a lot of us try to shed the label of whatever eating disorder you may have had. We find we are much for than a definition, and we actually begin to value ourselves as such. We find that we want others to see us differently - as a person with a lot more qualities than how we appeared when suffering.

In thinking this, what labels do you want to shed? Is it only the ED one or are there are others as well? It's good food for thought. :-)

Celebrating both a Halloween and a Birthday

2011-11-01T02:02:00.000-04:00

Well, Halloween wasn't really that exciting. I had all of 4 trick or treaters. Last year, I had more, so I'm not sure what happened. I guess it is probably not helpful that my outdoor light by the front door does not work. One girl who came by lives catty-corner to me. As I gave her her candy, she excitedly told me how they have a new dog....again. In the two years I have been here, they have had at lest 4 dogs. The running trend is that they either realize the dog is too hyper for them, the dog gets run over by a car, or they just don't want that particular dog due to not being trained. I keep wondering what life lesson this actually teaches the little girl in the long run.

Anyway, something I've learned or rather at least gotten past is my fear of having too much candy around. In years past at Halloween, I'd make sure to pick candy I did not like. That way, I could either give it to people or throw it away. I was too afraid of my eating disorder tendencies. Just the fact of it being there used to worry me immensely. Now, however, I actually choose candy that I like and will eat. I've learned that eating a piece of candy or two is truly okay. And gasp, there are times I kind of crave it. However, I do know my limit too, meaning if my body has too much sugar in any form, I tend to get major gastrointestinal upset. And that is definitely not fun.

Though I'm posting this a bit late, this photo was passed around facebook recently, at least among the dog community. It was one of the better decorations out there.

On another note, today was also Tovah's birthday. She turned a whole 3 years old. It's really hard to believe that much time has passed. Here was my facebook status for today:

Dearest Tovah,
Today, you turn 3 years old! You came into my life on a mere run - having almost passed you. But yet, because you had such a wonderful temperament, I wound up keeping you. It was one of the best decisions I made. I could not imagine my life without you. You have turned into a wonderful and beautiful dog. Happy Birthday, Little One.
Love, your mom

Leaps of faith

2011-10-23T10:29:00.000-04:00

We've often talked about the whole analogy about taking a leap of faith and never have I felt this as much as I do now. There's no doubt that I've had my share of big changes in my life. Some are incredibly common like college, sports, living on my own, moving, etc. Some of the ones that are not as common would be: adoption and taking a leave of absence from college. However, now, I have a big change again. One that I think will be for the better, but one that I don't think I ever imagined either. Basically, it is venturing out on my own, becoming confident in my abilities, having something I can call my "own," and all getting paid for it.

San Diego conference

2011-10-20T19:35:00.002-04:00

I meant to post while I was in San Diego, but I was very busy the entire time I was at the conference. When I hit San Diego, I was off and running. You learn quickly that when you have 1000+ people at a conference, there is a lot of set up involved.

The conference staff comprised of 18 people who worked very hard the entire time we were there. I was literally running back and forth from one side of the resort to the other. I seemed to do this everyday too! This was not helpful for my pants who did fit but were weighted down by a walkie talkie I had to wear.

Overall, it was a fabulous conference! I was especially thrilled with how the workshops went since I put a lot of work and effort into setting them up. In the end, the speakers and attendees were happy. They all learned some helpful information to take back with them.

I have to admit I probably only sat through one or two full presentations, but to me, it seemed okay. I know I'll get the cd in several months, so maybe this will be a good incentive for me to listen to it. LOL

There were only a few political issues that went on--way too much to post here. Basically, things should have been handled a little differently, and in the end, I was really disappointed in how some people behaved. Despite the fact that our organization strives for using positive reinforcement techniques, it is too bad that some people cannot implement this to their fellow colleagues. I've since learned that some of the most positive trainers can be so negative towards other people.

Anyway, remember I told you about the guests I brought with me on this trip. Well, here's our Flat Kennel Club with Clover as an honorary member. LOL

The Border Collies won Best in Show with the Rottie, Bo, coming in second. In total, we raised $295.15 for the San Diego Animal Services. It was a good start for the first year. Next year, we are opening it to anyone attending the conference and having people pay for an entry, like in a real dog show.

We also took all the attendees to Mission Beach which was received well. This dog named Jack from Leash Your Fitness did a brief surfing demo. He was such a ham!

He also found the clams quite interesting as you can see here and below.

I also got a chance to meet up with my mom's husband's son's spouse. I had seen pictures of her before, but she was beautiful to see in person. She reminds me of one of those Asian super stars. We went to a nice Korean BBq place and chatted a good bit about her dog who has some issues. I figured since it is family, I can give out free advice, though I have learned from the past, they are often the most difficult to actually believe and do what you say.

On the last day of the conference, my friend and I took photos of us by the Lionhead Fountain. We joked that if you said to someone, "I'm by the fountain" or "I'm by these flowers," you'd have to ask which one? There were an abundance of fountains and flowers--roses, impatiens, and many others all over the resort.

Lastly, I think one of the best things about the conference was that I had very little food or exercise issues. There were times when breakfast was a bit skimpy due to time and no concierge lounge like last year, but I always had a decent dinner. (lunch could be iffy at times) I had some great desserts while there, and even had two desserts one evening! I think a lot of the exercise issues waned simply because I was moving around while I was there so much. One person told me afterwards that she lost a few pounds while there from all the walking we did.

Next year, the conference will be very close to me. I'm stoked on getting things together for it. I'm hopeful that some of my local dog trainer friends and enthusiasts will attend, if not for anything else, but the trade show!

I'll end this post with a pretty picture of the San Diego sunset at Mission Beach.

A few guests accompanying me on this trip

2011-10-08T01:59:00.002-04:00

I'm currently finishing up packing for my trip. Actually, I was so proud of myself for being a day ahead of schedule, and then the dreaded feeling of I need to clean came upon me. Therefore, my packing got delayed by an hour in a half. It's about done, just last minute items to place.

Though I'm already really tired from this week being busy, I'm hoping pure adrenaline will keep me going this week. I'm really looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones. I'm also looking forward to our new "Flat Pet" contest. A number of us are bringing our do it yourself flat pets. I'm bringing 5 flat pets, well, Clover twice.

I may do one of Hank as well. I ran out of time but brought my flash drive with me, so if I have time, I'll do his as well. It's kind of cool to bring your own flat pet with you. It's like being able to take them anywhere.

The next time I write, I'll be in sunny San Diego!!

Falling off the bandwagon

2011-10-08T01:47:00.000-04:00

Before anyone gasps at the title or starts to worry about me, it is not me that fell off the bandwagon. Rather, it is my neighbor. I found this out last night when she asked if I had a minute to speak to her. Earlier in the week, she had called me apologizing about the other night and said if I wanted to talk to give her a call. I didn't call back the next day, so she took it as I was pissed at her and left my book Drinking I had let her borrow in my mail box. I figured she thought we were on bad terms and did not want to "owe" me anything. Do you notice other people do this as well--it's like having no reminder of you.

Anyway, I was incredibly busy this week and was going to leave a note in her mailbox before I left, saying I was not angry with her, that I had found the dogs an alternative, and she need not worry. Yes, this was partly a little avoidance on my part, but truly, I was in and out all week.

Yesterday, after I finished mowing, she asked if I had a minute to talk with her. She apologized and confessed that she had fallen off the bandwagon and begun drinking again. Part of the reason why she never acknowledged me the night of our disagreement was that she did not want me to smell alcohol on her breath. Obviously, it was no excuse for what she said or how she behaved, but it did at least give a partial reason. There are some other things going on in her life as well, and I think she feels very overwhelmed. I suggested she see an individual therapist besides just going to AA groups. She agreed, so I hope she will do that.

Interestingly enough, in one sentence she tells me how hard it is for her to come over 3x/day to take care of my pets, how she does not have an everyday schedule, but in the same breath, she says how she could take care of them this week, and how she doesn't break commitments. Huh? I told her everything had been arranged and not to worry about it.

We ended the conversation with me telling her that this tiff we had was not ending our friendship which made her feel a lot better. I really do think she would have been really sad if it had.

When I think about this entire scenario, it reminds of me of my former roommate who was an alcoholic. With her, (and I do not suggest to other people to do this), but I took her on like a project. Somehow, I thought I could help/save her. I should also add here I had enough of my problems at this time as well, but this was a bit of a distraction I suppose.

Truly, the only thing I did was give an on outlet for stress and added some kind of structure to her life. In the end, it did pay off. My roommate got herself on track and has been doing well since. I don't know if my neighbor falls into the same category as alike as these two individuals are. Her dynamics are different--there are 3 older boys and her husband. Sometimes, I wonder if I am falling into the same situation as before. I certainly try not to be my neighbor's therapist or anything (in fact, she thinks I'm bossy at times anyway), but I do try to suggest things or at least give a different point of view or be a source of support. Surprisingly, she does remember more than I have given her different for--her long term memory is there but her short term is lacking.

Anyway, I think this is a good reminder for me to realize my boundaries. It is not easy as there is always a yearning to help someone in need, but at the same time, you have to be careful with yourself too.

3 days until San Diego!

2011-10-05T00:36:00.003-04:00

There is good news: I found places for both my dogs and Clover. The dogs will be going to a new boarding facility--one that has similar training, health, feeding, and vaccination policies. Yay! Though it is a reasonable/lowest charge for boarding I've seen in awhile, it is still a good chunk of money.

Typically, I do not go to a place sight-unseen, but I'm going by my good dog training friend's word. She's been there before and taken classes. This place is a little different in that it is in-home boarding on 8 acres. They will have time to play with other dogs, so I think they will enjoy it.

Clover will be visiting her foster mom, Rachel where there are currently 6 foster kittens. I'm interested to see how Clover does, interacting with different species than dogs again. I just hope she is a good girl. ;-)

So overall, things have come together, and I think everyone is in the best place they can be. The other good news is that my car is all fixed and received an oil change. I had a trunk lock issue problem for awhile and had been procrastinating getting it fixed. Well, I could not lock it yesterday and feared that traveling with the dogs, the door would blow open and the dogs might go ker-plunk onto the highway pavement. Yikes ,not pretty image. Luckily, it was not a hard fix--just a good cleaning.

The week in general has been busy, but I don't feel quite as procrastinated as I usually do. My goal is to have everything done on Thursday or at least Friday morning at the latest. I know I am not going to get every single thing I had planned, but some it is just going to have to wait until I get back.

Oh, one fun thing I'm going to try to do before the conference is make my own flat pets! There are a number of us that are going to do this and display them at the conference. We will be holding a contest as well. It should be great fun!

I'll likely post one last time before heading out to sunny San Diego.

My stress-o-meter just went up

2011-10-02T01:32:00.001-04:00

So, as in my last post, I said how I was busy and overwhelmed. Check, still am. However, now, that stress-o-meter went up a notch. I thought I had everything set for who was going to take care of my dogs and Clover while I was gone. Both my neighbors agreed to help out. Well, one of my neighbors cancelled on me. This is the same neighbor whom I had been reminding for months about it, suggested that she needed to write it down, so she would remember the dates, etc. She agreed and said she could, and told me to remind her.

When I called today, she said "I need to take care of myself, my family, and my God." She went on to explain that she has learned that she is too trusting, too gullible, needs to start saying no, how she has realized some people do not have her best interest at heart, how some people are manipulative, etc. Now, I know she was not addressing this personally to me, but damn, it sure felt like it for some reason.

I understand having a lot on your plate (trying to recover from alcoholism, having lung surgery at the end of the month), no doubt, but couldn't she have decided this like a month ago? There were some hurtful things said, and though neither or us want enemies (that seems like a strong word here), I've pretty much learned that I cannot depend on this neighbor anymore at all. It's an awful feeling, because I really wanted to have some neighbors that I could depend on or at least have a nice relationship of looking out for one another. I guess in the end, everything winds up about money, or at least that is a component somewhere even if no one admits it.

Sometimes, this is the time when I wish I was married or had a significant other. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about my animals being in someone else's care while I was gone. I know what my options are: pet sitter or boarding--just don't know whether either will work out for different reasons. But I have to make something work in the end.

Busy...but overwhelmed

2011-09-29T14:06:00.001-04:00

Just want to say that things have been crazy busy here. I leave for my big dog conference a week from Saturday I'm excited to go, but in the meantime, stress is really building on me. This year, my role has been upgraded, so I feel a little more pressure to ensure things run smoothly.

I had manged things pretty well dealing with stress up until now, and it is like this week everything fell into the category of "overwhelm."

I'm trying to get a lot done before I leave for the conference which includes:

Dog food preparation. I have to order enough food, then prepare it all in pre-packaged meals for my neighbors to easily feed. If this was kibble, it would be easy, but it is raw food/veggies/fruits.
Bunny food preparation. I find doing the same thing with the bunny as the dogs is the easiest thing for my neighbors--this means ziploc bags of her veggies and pellets.
Car oil change--luckily, I have a $20 coupon
Lots of work-related things. I'll put it this way. When you are starting from scratch, it can be a bit difficult. Not that I haven't gotten a lot done, but there is always more to do.
Dog vet appointment. I will begrudgingly have to get a Vaccine for Tovah. It goes against my ethics, but at the same time, it is the only way I can take her to a nearby SAR seminar in November.
Time to exercise. Seriously this has been majorly lacking the last 1 1/2 weeks. I took a run with the group last night and ran a week prior to that, but only short walks in between.
Finishing up work for the big dog conference.
Considering picking up a few bartending shifts at the Zoo next week. This makes it really hairy since they are all mid-week towards the end but really need the additional money.
Buy food/snacks to take with me on my trip.
Figure out my insurance bill. For whatever reason, my physical therapist put in two different diagnoses for several of my appointment, thus resulting in being billed for 2 appointments rather than one. How frustrating!

I know the best thing for me to do is just to breathe, organize, and cross things off one at a time. So easy to say, so hard to do sometimes.

1st bartending gig

2011-09-17T13:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had my first bartending gig. The day before, we had a walk-thru of what was going to happen, and many of us felt nervous as this was our first event. Some of us felt like we were being thrown to the wolves!

The event itself was the big annual fundraiser for the zoo. Tickets were not cheap, ranging in price from $200-$3000. However, 2250 people were willing to pay the price for this big gala event. There were some big name sponsors plus around 75 restaurants, offering samples of their food. Unfortunately, we were not allowed to taste any of them which was so disappointing. Some chefs near us said we should just sneak off somewhere and eat their food. Instead, we were given pizza and soda before our shift. Neither are my favorite to eat, but this was my only option for the next 8 hours.

At the beginning of our shift, it was pretty slow. We were all just standing around, waiting for people to show up. The people at my station were just as nervous as me. We had all gone to the bartending school with the exception of 1 person. I think all of us had reviewed our recipe cards the night before, afraid we'd be asked some obscure drink to make. Luckily, this was not the case at all--it was mostly cocktails and easy highballs drinks--gin and tonic, vodka and cranberry (Cape Codder), rum and coke, etc. The entire night, I made only 2 whiskey sours and 1 margarita. A few people wanted Cosmos, but we weren't carrying all the ingredients for that drink.

Once we were busy, it was jammin' in there, and the time went by quickly. By the end of the night, there were more than a few people wasted (I think one guy asked me for at least 4 screwdrivers-vodka and orange juice), but all looked like they had a good time. Though no one was required to tip, we still had people who did which was nice. The bad part is that we have to split the tips, so overall with at least 20-30 of us, it won't be a lot.

All in all, I was pretty pleased with how everything went. It is too bad, because we (the bartenders) have been asked if we can do additional events for various picnics, parties, etc., but unfortunately, right now is about the worst time possible as I'm busy with a lot of other things. Otherwise, I'd be jumping on these opportunities. I will probably still do the ones I can, but still, it's like "where were you 2-3 months ago?"

Anyway, I think it was a good experience for me. I did however realize that I suck at uncorking wine bottles, so I was quite thankful for the guy beside who could do this well and promptly. So, those are the details of my first bartending gig. Once I got home--around 1:30am, I went straight to bed. I was hopeful to sleep in, but alas, that did not happen. I think the rest of the day is going to be a bit on the lazy side--chores around the house, catching up on some documentation work, etc.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Teeth issues don't go away

2011-09-14T00:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's dental appointment wound up disasterous. First, I was 20 minutes late, having gotten lost going a different way or a way that I thought was the right way. By the time, I arrived, I figured I would have to reschedule. But they allowed me to have my dental cleaning since the person who was after me never confirmed her appt.

This appt. was a basic cleaning-no big deal, right? At the end of my appt., the hygienist said there was a shadow on one of my upper teeth. She went ahead and did an x-ray. When the dentist came in, it was confirmed a large cavity. Then, I had the dentist look at this one place on my upper gum line that has been irritated for months. When I last asked about this, she said she did not see anything but some trauma.

Well, a new x-ray showed a massive infection there. Ugh! I knew something was not right there. Several weeks ago, I even had a few blood-like blisters. So the treatment is either a root canal to save the tooth or remove the tooth. If I remove the tooth, there would be no teeth left on my left upper side which seems like a horrible option. But then, if I go with the root canal and crown option, I will max out my dental benefits for the year and would owe about $1,000. Apparently, they can make it slightly cheaper for me by only doing part of the crown, then waiting until after the first of the year to do the rest.

To be honest, neither option sounds great. I know in my last post about my dental problems, I sounded pretty good and tried to make a point for others not to follow in my footsteps. But yesterday and today, I just feel upset about it. It's like my teeth issues will never get better and will likely just go with me to my grave. I know that sounds so morbid, but I just feel like I never get a break. I've put off some of the major procedures simply because they are too financially costly--think at least 3 implants and new bridge.

There is something else with all of this that runs in the back of my mind. If my teeth are this bad as a major consequence of purging, imagine if I'd been a multiple-a-day purger. My guess is that I wouldn't have any teeth left at all.

For now, I'm on antibiotics for the infection and will go back to he dentist in a few weeks for the root canal. In some ways, I feel like not saving this tooth, but I hate feeling toothless too. Argh, what a horrible conundrum! I hope others do not face my plight!

The "In-Between State"

2011-09-08T22:46:00.003-04:00

I do not know if you are familiar with Pema Chodron, a well known Buddhist nun. She's written a number of books about meditation and applying it to your everyday life. This passage from her book, The Places that Scare You. If you have not read it, please do so.

I read it a number of years ago and found it very helpful. I actually remember this passage well about the "In-between state." I think there are a lot of us that struggle with this in recovery. As I like to say with anything I read, people I hear, etc., there is always something to learn from them all--take what you want and leave the rest.

We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren't told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.

Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It's the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength.

Yet, it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable than acting out or repressing it. This open-ended tender place is called bodhichitta. Staying with it is what heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It's how the warrior learns to love.

Showers and flowers

2011-09-08T22:24:00.001-04:00

I was thinking today of the quote, "when it rains, it pours." Most people seem to say this when bad things happen. There is a tendency for people to relate to pouring rain with sadness. There are only a few people I really know of that look at it differently--perhaps it is because their association with rain has always been pleasant and positive. So I was trying to think of a way to have a positive spin to this time-old saying?

This is the one I came up with, "When it showers, it flowers."

I think this is a really good positive spin off. What do you think? It is what has been going through my head all day due to some interesting, exciting news. Unfortunately, I cannot discuss it here fully, but those who have my personal e-mail can e-mail me if they want to know the details.

But here's what I will say, I'm taking a leap, a plunge into the unknown. It's no doubt scary, stressful, and will be hard at the beginning. But, I believe in myself enough to try. I remind myself I have the skills to do it, the ability to be "different," and to be successful.

I realize I may not be feeling this in like a week or two, but I must go with what I feel right now. Otherwise, I know I will never do it, and then only have regrets. And who wants to live a life of regret or what ifs or what could have been? None of us do, and none of us should have to.

Wish me luck! When I am able, I will fill in more details. I really do hate to leave all my beloved blog readers hanging, but this is sensitive stuff right now.

Video Wednesday-Clover jumping

2011-09-07T11:32:00.002-04:00

I think I'm going to try something new and instead of a "Wordless Wednesday" than many bloggers do, I'm going to do "Video Wednesdays." Likely, these will mostly be animals, but maybe I'll think of some other stuff to film too. Keep me to this! This might be a fun thing to add here!

I know a few of you wanted to see some videos of Clover in action, so here is just one example.

A few weeks ago, I was going to make a jump for Clover. I realized I did not have long enough pieces, so I had to finagle with what I had. I made her this jump from her weave pole set. Here's a quick video of Clover jumping over it. I really love the fact she chose to jump over it, following my hand than jump through it which she could have easily done.

At some point in the future, I may give Clover her own Youtube channel. And yes, this is how I talk to the animals when training/rewarding them.

Dog-filled weekend

2011-09-07T11:12:00.000-04:00

Quick post here. I will have more of substance soon. This weekend was rather "doggy." I went to an agility trial last Friday to watch a friend run her poodle, and also to check out this facility. It may be one I join. The poodle on the right is the one my friend ran. The gray poodle, she performs in Rally.

On Saturday, I went to a big dog show with a friend. Unfortunately, this was the hottest day! We mostly watched obedience and browsed the vendors, then chilled back at her house. I fell in love with this 25 lb. Border Collie, belonging to my friend's friend. Apparently, the woman who had this dog said she was the dumbest dog she ever had, and she couldn't get her to stop jumping, etc. One day, my friend's friend (also a trainer) told the woman the day she wanted to give her up to let her know. About two weeks later, the woman called her, and gave her up. This is her third home as a rescue and her last. She was such a darling. After watching the agility trial, it really made me want to have a bit of a "push button" dog to run with. Yes, BCs come in this size!

Over at my friend's house, our dogs had a great time playing which was a big thing for my friend's dog reactive dog. Last time, he met Tovah, it wasn't the most pleasant experience. My friend's done a lot of work since then, and it showed. Everyone has a wonderful time! Here's a group shot. Her two dogs are the Cattle Dog X and the Fox Houndish X. The red dog farthest right is a dog that my friend was taking care of. It is sad, she is only 4 years old and has glaucoma. She lost an eye last year, and is adjusting to her near loss of sight. She is a sweet girl and love dogs.

Then, on Monday, I walked with a friend and her JRTs at a nearby park. We had a late lunch afterwards where I had an amazing grilled hummus foccacia wrap! I'm seriously thinking about buying stuff to make this sans the cheese.

These are my friend's two JRTs. The one on the left is 14 years old and still trucking along. The one one the right is 3 yrs old. He is a smooth-coated JRT. He did confirmation (though finished now), earth dog (dog run in through tunnels looking for the a specific animal scent, typically a rat scent is used. This game mimicks the history of what many terrier type dogs were originally used for), and dock diving, his favorite.

Here is a photo of Tovah with the city background behind her.

Family surgeries

2011-08-31T10:33:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been interesting with my family. About two weeks ago, my mom fell while painting her bathroom. She went to the ER which in my opinion did not take very good care of her. They made a preliminary diagnosis of it was broken, put her arm in a sling, gave her pain meds, and sent her on her way. The next few days afterwards, she was in a lot of pain and really hated feeling immobile. She told me she had some breakdowns of not being able to put on deodorant, dry her hair, drive, lift her arm, etc. It really puts in perspective those little things we take for granted.

My mom who is normally a very self sufficient woman had a really hard time with this. A week later, she had an appt. with the Sports Medicine Dr. He x-rayed her arm again which showed breaks at the head of the humerus, shattering of the bone, and dislocation. Her options were limited to reconstructive surgery or letting it try to heal on its own which would have resulted in likely only minimal function. And since functionality is what she wants, she opted for the surgery. It is at noon today.

After surgery, of course, there will be a lot of physical therapy. She is not looking forward to this, and I told her my estimated time for her recovery was at least 2.5-3 months. She felt a bit grim by this and truly thought that with the surgery, maybe a month later, she would be all fine. My feeling is there is probably ligament damage which always takes awhile to heal. In some sense, by telling her this, it has ignited fire in her to take less than that time, I just hope she does not try to do too much, like try to come to my place in October to take care of the dogs while I'm gone. She's really quite upset about this.

Then, my dad's wife had a surgery last week. She decided to get a tummy tuck. So far, she is healing nicely from it. The question that remains for me is was this for her or for my dad or both? My guess is both. She's always been a bit worried about her size--she's tall at 6'0 feet. And married to someone like my father who is vain (and yes, he would admit to this) is difficult. He certainly loves his wife, but I know he wished she was smaller.

With the surgery, she isn't going to be a size 2 or 0 or something, but she will be smaller. I'm hopeful, it will help with her self image, but I don't know. I should footnote this with that she had tried diets in the past, got medically tested for thyroid and such, but I also believe she was on a long term asthma medication and/or prednisone which she later learned she should have been getting blood tested for regularly. She also exercises and eats pretty healthy as well. We'll see how it all goes.

Hopefully, both recoveries will go smoothly and no complications.

Debuting orthotics

2011-08-24T00:06:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, I posted on the asymmetry of my feet. Since then, I've followed up with my podiatrist and waited for my new custom orthotics. They were available a month ago, but the company messed up, placing my metarsal pads at my arch rather than my midfoot area. My podiatrist was not happy and even floored that someone was dumb enough to do this when explicit directions and measurements were given. But be so, we are all human.

Yesterday, I finally received them! The podiatrist told me they would take a few weeks to get used to, and indeed he is right. Even upon placing them in my shoes, they feel different and kind of hurt. I'm hoping as my feet get used to them, they will feel better. I'm sure it will also help when I get new shoes which I've put off, waiting for these orthotics.

With these kind of things, I hate waiting, waiting to get used to something to feel right. What if they never do, and then that is a waste of $400 of which my insurance will only cover 25% if that. (Doesn't this sound ironically like recovery) In the past I have had a tendency to push ahead of the pain and trudge through anyway. This has not always proven effective, so patience is of essence here as well as just being smart about this. What my head really wants to do is just go for a mid-length run and "see" how they do. If they do well, then it is a score for me, the orthotics, and the podiatrist. If they don't, then it becomes, "well, I tried it, didn't work, see nothing works, etc."

I think part of this is also the fact that I want my feet to feel relief from long runs. When I hit mile XX, my feet immediately hurt, and I just feel them digging into my insoles. The pressure is real as is evident from the wear pattern. When I know I have long runs planned for the next two weekends, this just doesn't bode well to get used to the orthotics when I need them now. <sigh>

One interesting conversation my podiatrist and I had was when we were talking about how people did with the orthotics was:

Pod: Some people just don't have the body or feet for running. For some, their feet hit a breaking point and will go no further.

Me: I have already run two marathons and a half marathon, so it's proven my feet can handle it.

Pod: Yes, but it's about cumulation over the years.

Oh, that was hard to hear but in fact true. It's funny, because I could say this about anything else--another person, a dog, etc. when talking about their capabilities of certain sports and jobs but when it comes to me, how could that be so?

In reality, cumulation of what we put our bodies through does count. Some of those things we can't get back, so it is vital that we take care of them.

p.s.-Day 1 of running with orthotics did not bode well. At every mile, on the dot, my feet felt pain. Ugh! Hope this won't last too long. With walking, there is some discomfort but not as bad with running.

Bunny antics and enrichment

2011-08-23T13:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks for those who commented on my last post. I really appreciate it lots! I'm feeling a little better since that post, and this past week has had some interesting insights which I'll share in an upcoming post soon.

The good news about the computer cord was that it was just the cord and no damage was done to the computer. To boot, the computer repair place only charged me $41 total. Here's a photo of Clover's handi-work.

I know this was a result of not bunny proofing well and some lack of vigilance on my part even if it was for the shortest amount of time as possible. So now the cord is covered with pvc pipe until I get something else (I've tried a tubing before but she ate through it) I also realized yesterday when I was cleaning, another cord had been chewed, like totally broken in pieces. This was to my Wii.

But, despite all her mischief, I can't help but continue to provide enrichment for her. Clover now has her own weave pole set. I have posted some videos on facebook of her learning the weave poles, as well as her latest trick: jumping over the dogs. When I'm on my other computer, I will upload the file here.

Lastly, here is a photo of two of my three dogs plus Clover in the background just hanging out. I love her "super bunny" position.

Just ranting

2011-08-14T15:40:00.003-04:00

It's funny, because it has only been a week since I last posted, however, it feels like forever. I guess in some ways I haven't had much to say. Life is well life--still job searching, still trying to figure out what it is exactly I want to do, trying to figure out my moral ethics and beliefs on a variety of topics, whether a marathon is really doable this fall, etc. All good food for thought but can make you crazy and frustrated too.

I guess the job search is probably the most frustrating out of all these topics, because when it boils down to it, you need some sort of money to live. It is unfortunate that money has to have so much meaning, but it just does.

The other thing that bothers me is that I may apply for xx amount of jobs and get nowhere simply because I fall short of one criteria. It truly sucks. I've talked with HR people on how this works, and for some employers, if you are one criteria short, you are immediately chucked from the pile even if you may be the coolest, hardest working type person.

I read an article a few months ago about a guy who committed suicide, because he could not get employed after two years of searching. Whether this man may have had a mental illness, I do not know, but that isn't really the point. Even those people who are mentally sound, and may do all the right things, it still does not always work out. They may not get to a point of suicide, but yes, they can get frustrated and depressed. It just reminds me how fierce the job market is and how much talent may be missed. Sometimes, I feel like it is the HR people that can make you or break you.

It's a scary time for me and many people who are jobless right now. I've thought about a lot of things--what I could do, what I need to do, whether going back to school is an option, etc., but everything is incredibly scary. Even if you invest and believe in something, it does not guarantee you will come out on top. You may or everything may flop, and then you are right where you started before or worse. With school, both taken time and money--both of which I feel like I do not have enough of.

I know I'm ranting here, and I try not to discuss this too much on here as I do not want to appear like I am whining or depressed or woe is me, etc. I guess the good thing with this all is that I haven't reverted back to ED. Times of stress in the past has caused me to go running backwards. I can't say the idea has not crossed my mind, as sometimes I do think it would be nice to slice my food budget. But deep down, I know it solves nothing and only creates worse problems. Certainly, that in and of itself is a nice victory, but still my head kind of minimizes it, thinking I should be past this point by now. I should be able to endure anything that comes my way.

I'll end this post with highlights or not so highlights of this week:

I know I at least have a bartending gig in mid September. I'm hoping this will provide an outlet for networking.
I finished Clover's weave poles--all ten of them!
Thursday turned out to have a little of Murphy's Law. I was going to meet with a few people for Search and Rescue work. Well, that didn't work out, but I already made plans with a few people to visit them. I did visit with a few, but all the times were shortened.
On Friday, I had to take my netbook to the computer shop. I discovered Clover had chewed part of the powercord, so my netbook was spouting out "cricket-like" sounds and giving me the blue screen of death. I'm hopeful it is just the cord and the computer is not damaged.
Friday night, my mom was painting and fell. She broke her humerus bone in several places. She is miserable and in pain, but I'm thankful it was not worse like a cracked skull or something.
Yesterday, I did another Search and Rescue training with some other trainers. I try to go to this facility 1-2 times a month, as they do similar training. We also use similar training techniques. Tovah is doing well overall, but this training definitely takes time.

Mourning the loss of a self.

2011-08-04T11:22:00.005-04:00

It is not often that I read an article and really relate to it like I did this one: Leaving the sport, gaining an eating disorder. Though I'm not big on the title "gaining an eating disorder" like it was something that came out of the blue, I did like some of the points the article mentioned.

The big highlight to me was about loss of identity. Here was this woman who had devoted her life to gymnastics, retired, and then appeared to become fixated on her body. While it is true as she says, "The same quality that made me great at sports made me want to get really skinny," the real underlying issue was feeling a huge loss--a life she had known, now going into the unknown, feeling lost, and developing a different identity for herself.

Coming from similar experiences, it is hard to "find" a new identity. There are those who go unscathed and immediately jump into something new with ease, but I think for a lot of people it isn't easy. With eating disorders, this can be seen on both ends of the spectrum. For some, it is the beginning of an eating disorder, for others, it is a loss of an eating disorder as they enter recovery. What both have in common is that each necessarily needs time to mourn. I think people forget this and then blame themselves for not being "over" it (whatever that may be); or, they may feel that pressure from misunderstood people. Or, they hold onto the ideal, that this is their only identity.

For those of you who need scientific evidence, in this New Yorker piece, "Scientists have found that grief, like fear, is a stress reaction, attended by deep physiological change."

The take home message here is that it is okay to feel sad and upset. In fact, I think it is important and healthy. This doesn't mean it has to be some huge event, or some tear jerking session (though of course it is okay to cry too-nothing wrong with that), but it's more a feeling of a kind of acceptance. It's knowing that the loss of one identity allows for us to grow into a different identity--an identity that we can embrace, learn to like, and be successful at.

The woman in this article was lucky in that her eating disordered behavior only lasted about a year. For many others, it is a long, drawn out process of years. I hope those reading are not in the latter. But if you are, and this is one of the things you've held onto-the identity of an ED, I hope you will be able to eventually let go of it. A good question to ponder here is: how do you want to be remembered--the eating disordered girl? What identity do you want?

Finally-letting go of clothing

2011-07-29T13:24:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, I posted Measures of our worth, discussing unhealthy things we hold onto--the things we know we should let go of but don't necessarily until we finally realize how detrimental that item is, whether it is behaviorally or emotionally or both.

Many of us have old clothing items we have held onto for a long time, even during recovery. Whether it is out of security, a longing for, or a symbolism of the past, truly, it just is not helpful to us in the end.

Earlier this week, I decided to get rid of this pair of jeans. A local rescue group is having a yard sale this weekend, so I thought I would put this in my donation box. I was actually going to hand this pair of jeans plus several other items over to an upscale consignment shop, but I just never got around to it.

This pair of jeans got some usage, mostly in my twenties, but hasn't been worn in several years to be honest. Besides that I'm no longer starving myself, I think it's also the fact that I decided I wanted to wear things that actually fit me better-not only waist wise but also length wise. This pair of jeans has an inseam of 30". On someone who is only about 5'1, it was way too long. When I originally bought this off of ebay, I was stoked, because I found a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch men's slouch jeans. (I had another pair my mom had found for me years before which I loved)

I think I kept this pair of jeans hanging in my closet for the sole purpose of wishing-knowing that there was always the option to go back. And I needed to hold onto that for a long time until I felt strong enough to know there was the least bit likelihood that I would revert back.

So this is now farewell, good riddance to this piece of clothing. Though there isn't quite as much anguish as I thought there would be, it is still removing a part of your life-a symbolism of sorts. I just hope now that whoever buys them does it for the right fit and not a yearning to be something they are not.

In case you didn't see these other creative posts by some fantastic bloggers, check them out:

Sarah used her jeans as an art project.

Katie, for her 100th post, took more drastic measures and watched her jeans melt and crumble.

p.s.-yes, this photo was staged-see the symbolism?

Weekend pet festival

2011-07-25T00:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to a local Pet Festival. This doesn't seem like anything special, except that I was horribly nervous to go. Why you ask? Simply because I was afraid I might run into my former employer. I had actually neglected going to a few events I heard about earlier in the summer, because I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I saw her. And I'm still not really sure.

Before going to this event, I made sure to check the website and see if she was exhibiting there. I did not see her listed, but still, there was a chance she was a late entry. Entering the site, I just held my breath that I would not see her. I made a quick walk through and was soon relieved. Even if I had seen her, it would have been an awkward situation, especially if she had a tent beside my vet like last year.

There was a fairly good attendance despite the high temperatures, though my vet and I were both worried that dogs might have heatstroke, especially because there were dogs there who were excitable and not prepared for an event like this.

I saw a few other people there I knew, as well as some former clients--the large Mastiff, now probably over 150 lbs, the now socialized and happy Goldendoodle (before he had been terribly fearful), and the smooth coated Parsons Russell Terrier who does quite a few dog sports.

I spoke to my vet a bit (she knows my situation) and saw her cute 10 month old, bubbly, smiley baby. Though I am not a baby lover per se, I do love when they smile at you.

Overall, it was fun to get out and go. There were a few negatives in that people simply did not watch their dogs and scuffles broke out. Luckily, no dog got injured, and no human this year (last year a woman got bit in the face while trying to give a dog water. He startled and bit her) I left feeling like I was glad I went.

The other thing this situation made me realize (or maybe I already knew) is that the dog community is small, and I'm bound to run into her at some point. I'm also bound to run into other people who know her and a trainer who she hired after me due to the whole six degrees of separation phenomena. But I can't let her presence stop me from going to an event, a seminar, or a workshop. It's like allowing her to remain in power over me, and that is just dumb, hard, but dumb.

Later, I came home and e-mailed a gal I was going to try to meet up with at the event. Actually, I saw her several times (she owns the PRT), but she was always at a distance, and I was always talking to someone; thus, we never got a chance to officially say hi. She immed me back on facebook and asked how my jobless situation was going. I was honest: crappy. The last thing she said to me before we both signed off was:

"You need to get back into training. You are too talented not to be teaching people how to train their dogs."

It was such a nice compliment and meant a lot to me. So for now, I will end this post with that note of positivity.

Wednesday fun: Harry Potter!

2011-07-20T19:14:00.001-04:00

I thought my blog was in need a Wednesday fun post, so what else better than Harry Potter!

The last installment of the Harry Potter series opened last weekend. I have not seen it yet but hope to soon. I came across this blog post asking which Hogwart's house you belonged to: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin.

"You might belong in Gryffindor,

Where dwell the brave at heart,

Their daring, nerve and chivalry

Set Gryffindors apart"

"You might belong in Hufflepuff,

Where they are just and loyal,

Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,

And unafraid of toil"

"Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,

If you've a ready mind,

Where those of wit and learning,

Will always find their kind."

"Or perhaps in Slytherin,

You'll make your real friends,

Those cunning folk use any means,

To achieve their ends."

I took the two tests that were mentioned in the above blog post. These were my results:

From the helloquizzy test:

Gryffindor: 34

Ravenclaw: 61

Hufflepuff: 61

Slytherin: 44

From the Personalitylab quiz:

Gryffindor: 74

Ravenclaw: 94

Hufflepuff: 98

Slytherin: 32

I was really surprised that Slytherin came out beating Gryffindor on the first quiz. My feeling is that it is because this test is only True/False, so there is no grey area. The second test had a much wider range, allowing you to pick between 1-9. But I think both quizzes are correct that I am more suitable towards Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. I guess I'm not quite as brave as those in Gryffindor.

Anyway, so take the quizzes and post in the comments which Hogwart's House you belong in.

Wading across a cautionary line

2011-07-17T15:11:00.009-04:00

Some of you know I joined a local running group back in late Jan./early Feb. I had reservations at first after many years of solo training, but so far I have enjoyed it quite a bit. There are a variety of ages there, but quite a few of us in our late twenties/early thirties.

In general, this group is small compared to some of the other local training groups. Within the past several months, however, there has been an increase in members, especially if they have started to train for a specific race, like a 5k, 10k, half-marathon, or marathon. One new person is a young woman who stands out quite visibly due to her thinness.

I try not to speculate whether this woman has an ED/has had an ED/is in recovery from an ED, but I seriously keep thinking to myself whether this woman should be running at all. She is very tall which can easily guise for thin, except that her hip bones are easily visible through her shorts, her face is gauntish looking with a pointy chin, giving a "lollipop" appearance, has stick thin arms and legs, tiny waist, and a slight hunch/ rounded shoulders in her upper back.

I've only talked with this woman a few times, so I don't know her well enough to broach this intimate subject, but it really does cause me concern. She has a young daughter who is almost three, so I wonder too how much of this could be a backlash of trying to be healthy o perhaps pregnancy weight loss. I learned recently that she is vegan, but I'm not sure what the reason is or how that reason came about.

I know a number of us have dealt with similar situations or seen the "avid" gym-goer, so what do you do? I had a similar post awhile back about gym observations and mentioned seeing an underweight woman there. That situation felt different--there was a distance, and I did not know this woman from adam. This situation is slightly different. Our group meets a few times a week, I've talked with this woman a little, she friended me on facebook, etc.

It's one of those cautionary lines--you never know how much to ask so as not to be offensive, but at the same time to show concern. I struggle with approaching the subject to her, but I would feel awful to turn a blind eye too.

Thoughts? How would you react?

Self diagnosing

2011-07-13T01:06:00.001-04:00

Today was a bit of a ho-hum day. Though I got a few things accomplished, there was still lots of things on my list untouched. When stuff like this happens, I try not to get too bent out of shape, reminding myself that I can start afresh tomorrow. Sometimes, this thinking works and sometimes not.

Then, this evening, I noticed two bumps in my mouth that I do not ever remember seeing before. They were quite large and hard, and kind of freaked me out. I ran to the bathroom to look at them. Yes, they were they-it was not my imagination. I kept thinking WTF are these?

*cue google*

Yes, I admit, I am a self-diagnoser for the most part. Somehow, it comforts me to know if whatever bizarre, strange, out of the blue bump, lump, headache, fever, chills, whatever is benign or some life threatening disorder I really need to worry about. Though for some just the act of searching google makes them feel even more nervous and worried. I've always looked at it as being more the informed consumer, so that if I had to go to a Dr., I had all the information right there. Some of my Drs. found this helpful (the ones that knew me well), but I'm sure there were others who may not have appreciated my fact-filled information.

So I looked up these hard bumps and came up with exostoses and toris. Basically, these are bony growths/swellings, typically found in your mouth. They're not harmful unless they cause problems with eating or if you had dentures, they wouldn't necessarily fit over them. However, there is one instance where these growths are worrisome, and that is if they are an indication of a disease called Gardener Syndrome. I won't go into those specifics, but it is rare.

I was certainly happy to have an idea what these bony structures were, but still, it left me thinking I had one more thing to possibly worry about. I'm beginning to think that I am one big abnormality! Seriously, right hand, right arm, bunions on both my feet, left toe sticks out which the podiatrist called a deformity, extra vertebrae, hmm what next? I'm thankful that none of these affect me greatly, more or less just annoyances.

As I would tell anyone else in this situation, go to your Dr., or dentist in my situation, get checked out, make sure it is nothing, and then go on with the rest of your day. I'll be calling my dentist in the morning.

Curious to know, are you a self diagnoser? Or do you find searching more problematic and worrisome?

Measures of our worth

2011-07-07T10:45:00.003-04:00

I read this article today about a scale bashing party. I thought what a fantastic idea for those who struggle or feel chained to the scale. If you're in the central New Jersey area, this might be a good event for you!

It's funny how a mere piece of metal can be symbolic for many of us. Where did we learn this?

I've never been what I called horribly "chained" to the scale. It mattered, but for me it was more how my pants fit and whatever my tape measure read. Yes, I don't think I've ever mentioned this on this blog, but I used to have a bit of an obsession with my tape measure. Similar to a scale, it used to be the measure for what I was going to consume that day (or not).

Even when I was in college and in my 20s, when I tried buying a scale, I wound up taking it back to the store a few days later. I was somehow afraid I'd become a devout worshiper to it. However, I could not let go of my tape measure which I brought with me to many conferences, sleepovers, visits to my parents's houses, etc. It essentially went with me everywhere!

Where am I now with this once over obsession? Well, it's not completely gone but a whole lot better than it used to be. It no longer holds so much value as it once did but is still a lasting reminder of the ED. It's like the old pair of jeans you know you should get rid of but hold on to for security purposes.

What are reminders of your ED that you know you should really get rid of? Is it the scale, a piece of clothing, a book, etc.? What are other measures of your worth?

On the same taken, have you ever bashed your scale, burned clothing, books, journals, all out of symbolism?

Short races

2011-07-05T10:54:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I ran a local 4th of July race. The race was not far from where my running group typically runs, so I was familiar with the course. Overall, the race went okay. I was trying to better my time from the last 5k race which did happen but not very significantly at all, despite doing some speed work the last month or so.

After finishing this race, I've begun to think that 5ks are just not my race. I think the determining factor is feeling like I'm going to hurl periodically while I'm running. Even at the finish line when the person was handing me a bottle of water, I almost threw up on her which warranted a look from her and asking if I was okay. And truly I was okay.

A few of the running group girls and I met up after the race (they met up before the race and ran over there together and did not wait for me even though I was the one who set it up! No worries though) and were talking about this very thing. One girl agreed that 10ks and 15ks were probably more her race. The interesting thing was that all of us said the exact same thing--that they felt like they were going to hurl or that their stomach felt in knots. I think the difference with me is that I always feel like I am that close to vomiting like when you burp and have that nasty rush of backlog but am able to restrain yourself (sorry if that is TMI) A part of me wonders how much is due to my past with ED and purging. Or, it could possibly be completely unrelated just due to running faster than my normal pace and the weather.

The odd thing is that when I was running a lot 4-5 years ago, I never remember feeling like this, even on long, fast runs. During those times, I was running at all times of day and temperatures. So it just does not make sense to me now why I keep having these incidences. It's quite frustrating, because I'd like to be able to run short races too but without feeling the awful sensation of my body revolting against itself. The other problem is that something that becomes physical can easily turn psychological, especially if there are aversive effects.

It took me a long point to stop self induce vomiting. It's been almost completely 2 years purge-free. After my last conjuctival hemorrhage, I have not since then at ll. I'm to a point where I want to save as many teeth as I can, especially with the lasting effects of years of abuse.

Anyway, I don't have any upcoming 5k races to worry about, just more or less long training runs. I and my body will, however, be happy when it is cool again.

Disruptive sleep

2011-07-01T10:41:00.005-04:00

Sleep...it's probably one of the things that I have yet to truly recover from. Since my mid-teens when I learned of the productivity (at least this was how I saw it in my mind) of sleep deprivation, it is something that has afflicted me. Within the last several years, I had gotten better at getting a few more hours of sleep than I used to live off of, however, it's somehow taken a different course the last three or so weeks.

There is no doubt that I am a nightowl for the most part--like going to bed at 12am or later. However, at the same time, I've always had the ability to get up early as well. Sometimes, this was related to dogs getting me up (they have the best alarm clocks!) or I would just wake up. Baxter used to wake me up by 6:30am everyday no matter what. But now that he is gone, there has been no one else to take his place. Basically, they just let me sleep in or Tovah will ring the bells to go out. It is nice no doubt, but the last several weeks, I feel like I've been getting up later and later like 8am or last weekend, it was 9am!

For the most part, I have never been an insomniac. Whenever my head hit the pillow, I was out and just went into nice, blissful sleep. Quite frankly, I enjoyed that. Though the eating disorder did result in me becoming a light sleeper, still, head hit pillow, I was asleep.

As I said the last three weeks or so, my sleep has been incredibly off. In the past, this has only been when I was in restrictive mode. My eating is sufficient on most days, so should not warrant this type of distress.

Now when I go to bed (often it's me saying, okay, I should really go to bed now), I do not seem to go to sleep right away. Likely, it is only a few minutes, but it feels like an eternity. What really gets me is that my sleep has been very distraught. Typically, I do not move a lot in my sleep, and I am now tossing and turning and waking up very frequently. This has resulted in me being more tired in the afternoon/early evening than usual and literally sacking out. I realize this is not the best for sleep later, but seriously, I just crash!

Part of me wonders on a deeper subconscious level how much my lack of work situation is causing this, or whether this is the start of a slow descent into depression (I tend to either go into one extreme of sleep a lot or zero sleep) or possibly both. When you get to this point, it is so much harder to keep any motivation--not that I'm there yet, but some days certainly feel like it.

Anyone else feeling anything similar or have thoughts?
Sleep posts here, here, and here.

The work update

2011-06-29T12:54:00.001-04:00

As you all know, I've been looking for work for the last 4.5 months. It's been tough to put it mildly. I've been looking at both bartending jobs as well as research oriented ones. Some may wonder why I am not looking at that many dog/animal ones. It's mostly because the pay is lousy, there are rarely benefits, or I do not agree with their methods (sorry I can't do something that will be completely unjust to me). This doesn't mean that if I happen to comes across a dog/animal job that I would not take it. There is actually one job that I am looking at, but the interviews won't be until July. That job has a variable amount of factors, but if it worked out, it would be a great opportunity.

Last week, I had 3 interviews. Two which seemed like they could possibly pan out, however, I have not heard back yet. The third one is not for me, so if they do not call back, that is okay.

Needless to say this job searching thing wears and tears on my emotions. Some days, I'm feeling optimistic about it, but at other times, I am not at all and feel frustrated, discouraged, and depressed about the whole thing. It does not help either that in the same conversation, my father will say to me:

Don't be discouraged, something will come up soon

Well, you need a job

If you want to go to medical/vet school, we'll find a way to make it work.

Sheesh, talk about a mixed set of emotions. It is hard, because my parents are helping me out a lot, and of course I do want and am looking for a job, but sometimes, my father isn't helpful. This is one of those moments where it is sometimes better not to say anything at all unless the other party brings it up. Of course, I do not want it to become one of those "walking on eggshells" feelings like eating, food, weight, etc. once were.

So that's my work report for the time being. I keep trudging along I guess, but it is not always easy.

A bizarre highlight: dog cookies!

2011-06-27T01:22:00.003-04:00

I know this will sound hilarious to most of you, but this was one of the highlights of my week. Seriously, these cookies which are for dogs are so tasty for humans too! These cookies are nice, because The Three Dog Bakery uses carob which is similar to chocolate but has no theobromine which is the toxic agent to dogs.

When I told my mom I found some of these very cheaply at a discounted store this week ($2 when they are usually $5), she was literally going to check to see if her local store had them. This is how good theses cookies are.

Then, I had mentioned awhile back to my neighbor's kids (these are the 4 kids who live beside me and love my dogs except they can't pet them since the little boy is allergic to dogs) that there were actually dog cookies humans could eat too. They were so intrigued by this idea and would ask me periodically if I had any.

Needless to say, they were thrilled I had them. They asked their dad if they could have one (it's a bit funny because they knew their mom would likely say no, especially since the day before, the little boy wanted to eat the turkey/cranberry dog treats). They each had one cookie and exclaimed "they taste like oreos!"

Anyway, after my busy week, this was a nice ending.

p.s.--T., the little boy who is allergic to dogs said to me the other day:

"Tiptoe, if I wasn't allergic to dogs, would you bring the dogs over here?" My reply was yes, and I know the dogs would enjoy it. He then went on to mention underground fencing which I am opposed to, but we didn't get into that deeply other than it could possibly change the behavior of the dogs.

Aftermath of detox

2011-06-27T01:00:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to write for days, but somehow I just did not get around to it. This week has been a bit crazy--another post on that later, and my emotions are beginning to wear on me.

But first I want to write this post. I had this knock on the door on Thursday night at 11pm. I'm thinking who could be knocking at my door this late? In walks my neighbor, the one who went through detox. She came in and gave me a big hug and said she felt great! I was thrilled for her, though a part of me was slightly stunned at how "high" she seemed, sober but high. Even she admitted, she was on a pink cloud.

Truly, this seemed to be really good for her. She said she felt like she is in a better place. I think she really enjoyed rehab as it felt like a bit of a vacation for her. She had a few ups and downs, like breaking her glasses and not being able to see well, but overall, she loved the people there, said they fed her well, and got her head back, etc.

There were two things B. said that stuck out to me. One was about her experience with the people at rehab. There were a variety of ages--some with alcohol issues, others with drug dependency issues. She explained that she and several other older persons were trying to get through to some young people who were heroin addicts. She said, it was like they just didn't get it--that they could not see how much they were wrecking their lives. They tried to tell them that they did not want to have these addictions years on end. She said she and several of the other older women felt like they got through to them, and that felt good to her.

The other thing B. said was how reading the Big Book (this is the AA book) this time around was different. She had read it a number of times before, but it just didn't make sense to her or was meaningful. But now, being sober, she felt like she finally understood it. It made sense, and she could put value in it. This reminded me of the weight restoration stage for many with eating disorders. Prior to that, therapy or anything else won't be as effective if at all. It's a testament to how we have to be a bit clear-headed both physically and emotionally in order to fully grasp real treatment.

B. still has a lot of work ahead of her, but I think she will get there step by step. She will have IOP 3x/week plus her AA meetings. She's beginning to learn what her triggers are and is trying to find other means to cope. She says her family is backing her and willing to help, so I hope that happens.

As for me, I'm the neighbor and friend to be there, supporting her along the way.

Asymmetry of perfectionism

2011-06-23T09:30:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to get a new pair of running shoes. Though the pair I'm currently wearing are not completely worn out, they will be soon. It's typical that if I'm training for a race that I need shoes about every 5-6 months. Some say the magic number is after 400 miles. Anyway, as usual, this was not an easy task. Most places just don't carry my size (I have small, wide feet), but the running shop where our running group meets from, ordered me a few pairs to try on. It was highly surprising to me that my feet were barely a 5. I thought they were at least 5 1/2 since I have worn 6s for years. And actually yesterday I found out my left foot is smaller than my right foot--more on that later. The weird thing was that when I tried on the 6s, it felt perfect in my left foot, but my right foot felt like it was swimming. Then, when I tried on the 5 1/2s, the right foot felt perfect, but my left foot felt tight.

Normally, I would have stayed with the 6s except that I have developed calluses on the ball of my feet, especially during long runs. My feet literally kill me, and I can barely walk. So I thought maybe I had been wearing the wrong size for years as this is typical of many women who buy shoes, according to the running people at the store. They find woman do not want to wear a half size larger.

I decided since I had some pain after a short run with the 5 1/2s that I'd better wait before dishing out the money. Instead, I made a podiatry appt. with a podiatrist who gave a short talk back in the fall to our running group. He immediately remembered who I was too, asking whether the dog (Tovah) was still running with me.

After his foot tests, a number of things were revealed:

My left leg is longer by about 3 cm compared to my right (I knew one leg was a little longer but couldn't remember which one)
My right foot measures right at a 5, my left foot is a little smaller.
The second digit on my left foot sticks up (apparently this is a deformity some people have) which causes more pressure to my metatarsal area. Since I have bunions on both my feet, they do not absorb the pressure well, thus the only place to go is in the balls of my feet. And since the left second digit is deformed, that foot has more pressure and actually stays longer on the ground than my right foot. A few years ago, I had metatarsal inflammation in the same area.
My right foot over the metatarsal area is wider than my left foot.
My left foot over the midsole area is slightly larger than my right foot.
I pronate slightly on my left foot but supinate slightly on my right foot--basically my body's way of balancing itself out.

The treatment plan is custom orthotics, depending on how much insurance will cover. They run anywhere from $300-400, though they last at least 2-3 years. In the mean time, I have some metarsal pads to wear in my shoes, and a little lift in my right shoe. These will both be added into the orthotics as well.

So why did I mention all this weird stuff with my feet? The podiatrist said something interesting to me during our appt. He was telling me how "some people who run 100s of miles have bodies that are built for it. Their bodies just don't seem to break down. But most people have all these small idiosyncrasies that when added together affect us. If you keep looking close enough, you are going to find them."

This is so true. We are made up of many small imperfections if you want to call it that. What I think is ironic is how many people quest for the perfect body but yet do not even think about these small things necessarily. And what I mean about small are, I have one toe larger than the other, one side of my nose is larger than the other, one leg is smaller than the other, etc. You get the picture.

Now, of course, there are people who do focus on these small imperfections and go to extremes--those with BDD come to mind, but mostly people will say, "I want to be thinner, I want to have flat abs, I want to tone up, etc." It's all generalizations to find the quest for perfect, but in reality, there is No Perfect. Because if we were truly perfect, and I'm thinking about this in a scientific way, everything would be the same and symmetrical, there would be no room for error, no flaws, no nothing. Even those like Angelina Jolie who some people say are beautiful, probably has some sort of asymmetry going on.

The other thing about this whole asymmetry thinking is that it is likely that some of them are out of your control. That means, you were born with them, they make up who you are--unique, different, and beautiful too.

So, I know this is a bit long-winded. It was just an interesting point to think about. How many of us really think about symmetry in our bodies, or even how it may affect us? Maybe that is really the "perfection" we are all looking for.

Brushing self doubt aside

2011-06-21T00:35:00.001-04:00

Today, I will be walking into several potential bartending establishments, new resume in hand, dressed in nice business wear, and/or filling out applications or having impromptu interviews. Gosh, writing that makes me feel so d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e. I guess in some way I am, but of course, that is not the vibe I want to give off. This is totally not my style. It's so much easier behind the computer screen and just clicking away.

But alas, bartending is different than a corporate or academic job where there is likely a multitude of steps before even scoring an interview. This way eliminates beating around the bush. Still, it is not easy feeling like you have to "sell" yourself which is with any job, period. You have to try to make yourself look better than your other competitors even if you may not feel like it. Then, on the other hand, what if you actually sell yourself too well and get hired on the spot? That would definitely be cool if that happened with a few of the places I'd really like to work. What if that happens with those lower on my list? Do I say no then or tell them I need to think about it?

The rest of my day should be uneventful, at least I hope.

So here's to the first day of summer!

Yogurt buying obsession

2011-06-17T17:42:00.001-04:00

A Friday confessional:

I have this yogurt buying obsession as detailed by the picture below.

See, I don't buy yogurt that often really but when it is on sale, like a 5/$5 or sometimes the yogurt will be half price due to it expiring that day or the next, I find myself buying a lot of them. I think I bought like 10 or 11 within the past two days. Who can pass up $.49 yogurt?

Seen in the picture is basically 19 days worth of yogurt if I ate one a day. That's always my intention, but for some reason, I just don't necessarily get there. Some of these yogurts have actually expired or about to expire. Four of the yogurts were from when my mom and her husband visited (he decided to buy 6 yogurts the day before they were leaving and only ate 2). I've learned from past history that with yogurt, unlike milk,it can go past the expiration date and still be okay.

The thing is that I do like yogurt, so I don't know what my problem is in leaving it there for months at a time to think about eating. Yogurt does not hold some negative value either, so it just seems weird why I do this. I do not seem to do this with too many other items of food I buy. It almost seems similar to hoarding. :-/

Thoughts? Rationales? Similar experiences?

Detoxing

2011-06-15T11:07:00.001-04:00

Monday was an ironic day. I finished up the bartending school and passed the final exams. I was really happy with myself and excited to call my parents and let them know. I also wanted to let my neighbor B. know, except that she told me her news first. She decided to go into rehab for her drinking problem. (I discussed this in a post here)

This surprised me, but I was also quite proud of her for taking this additional step. The day before we were chatting about her and her family's trip to New York. There were some interesting stories like almost losing one of her sons to the Canadian border while they were visiting the Niagra Falls. She had told me that she knew she needed to stop drinking and that when her dad's inheritance estate was finalized, and there was more money, she would go.

That Monday morning, her hands began shaking, and she needed a beer. I guess for whatever reason, it clicked with her. She called her sponsor who was thrilled with her decision, and then basically said she should just have all the beer she wanted that night, because she never would again.

B. asked me to come over and hang out. I did hang out with her from like 8:30pm - 1:30am. It was a long night and by midnight, I was asking her if she planned on going to bed soon. But at the same time, I knew she was more nervous than she let on about going.

We chatted quite a bit. It was essentially the same conversation we had almost a year ago when we had talked about this. I think during this time, she slowly got worse. She's lost a bit of weight substituting beer for food. Her memory has also been affected. I watched last night as the more she drank, the more forgetful she would become, telling me the same story over and over. Then, I'd see her stagger to find wood for the fire pit. It was difficult to watch.

When I asked her what made her decide to go to rehab now, she said she wasn't sure other than she knew she needed to go. For many people around her, with the exception of her family, most did not realize she had that big of a problem, simply because she is a functional alcoholic. She has not had some of the typical losses an addict might have--a career (she did lose her job but that was not through fault of drinking--it became a reason later however to drink later), a house, going into debt, etc. I told her that some people do not hit a rock bottom, but that they simply get to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Her eyes lit up with a "yes, that is exactly it."

During the past year, she has continued to go to AA meetings, but it was obvious, this was not enough and she needed a higher level of care. I think part of the problem too was that she saw a lot more people worse than her, so it undermined the what the severity of the problem though she knew she had one.

Although I do not completely agree with the entire AA philosophy, I've always felt that everyone has to do whatever feels right and will suit them for treatment. For her, she feels she has just not surrendered herself to God/a higher power. Personally, I think it is a lot more than that, but if that is what she needs/believes, then certainly, it can be helpful.

She will be in an inpatient program detoxing for 10 days, though she could be there for 30 days. I'm hoping she will take the 30 days, so she can at least begin some therapy. She's had limited experience with any kind of therapy for herself other than a psychiatrist who didn't even think she needed rehab at all.

B. said she was kind of excited to be going (she left yesterday morning), because she was finally doing something for herself. Like many, she fell into the caretaker role. There's also a lot of low self-esteem issues too. Though I do not know everything that goes on behind closed doors, I can see how she would have come to feel that way. Words hurt.

So how does her family feel? Actually, they are thrilled she is going. However, I get the sense from them that they want her to change but are unwilling to change themselves. Perhaps, this will be an incentive for them as I do not think they want to watch their mother continually get worse. Or maybe by them hearing it from someone else, that will make a difference. All I can do is hope.

I hope for B. this will be the step she needs to kick this for good. On the down side, I think there is a chronic depression, unresolved past issues, low self-esteem, communication issues, etc. But on the up side, there is no denial of a problem, there is motivation to get better, a yearning to be able to feel emotions again, and a belief system.

Though I consider myself to be more in a sense spiritual than religious, I do pray for people. And I pray for B. she can get through this, that she can learn to love and accept herself, and mostly to begin to heal. Recovery doesn't happen overnight, it is a process--one that can be long and difficult but in the end, for the better.

Lastly, I have to say it feels a bit odd being on this side of the fence. It wasn't like I didn't know this before, but it is weird, it's like knowing something beforehand than someone else--knowing there is an ability to come out on the other side. I did point out to B. I tell her these things not because I am wise beyond my years but rather through experience. I did not go into specific details nor talk about my ED, more depression, having a short stint in an inpatient unit in my teens, being a bit suicidal, etc. I don't know how much she will remember of what I said, but I hope there is some part she can hold onto.

p.s.--There was one thing that astounded me--how she had no qualms with her insurance company and they accepted her to go the very next day. I was floored honestly. And her insurance isn't that great. It just reminded me how much easier it is for someone with an alcohol problem to get extensive treatment than it is for an eating disorder person. I know it has gotten better overall, but still, I just couldn't believe it, especially with such a fast turn around time for the insurance company making a decision.

Newly licensed

2011-06-14T23:45:00.003-04:00

It is official. I am now a licensed bartender, good for all fifty states! Pretty cool, eh? I like to call myself a professional mixologist. It has a nice ring to it.

Yesterday, I took my written final--aced it. Then, I took the nerve-racking speed round test. I was practically shaking when I had to pick up more than one glass at a time and place the drink on the coaster. However, I persevered, making 13 correct drinks (missed one drink because I used the wrong bottle). You needed 12 correct drinks in 8 minutes.

Today, we had pictures for our resumes and went over how the job placement works. One thing that is different compared to many jobs which I've been applying for is, there is less filling out applications online. This means no more hiding behind the computer screen. With bartending, it is actually okay to go to that establishment and try to get a job. In some ways, this can be highly beneficial since they will actually see you in person. Then, you get a chance to shine in a way you may not be able to online. Now, I just have to get past my nerves. Going in person is way scarier to me for this type of job, something that is completely new and different. The nice thing is that the school helps you with finding jobs and such. Plus, I have to say I have a bit of an in with the director since I've been giving him some tips on newly integrating their baby (literally only a week old) and their chihuaha.

So, here's to a new chapter in my life. Dog training or any other job that may be suitable is certainly not out of the question, it's just may not be on a full time basis. I'll post how things progress. I do think if I find the right establishment, it could be a very interesting gig.

p.s.--the guy with the record number of drinks made in the speed round test is 38! He was able to hold 3 bottles in one hand. He got a job the day after he graduated from someone having seen him do this.

A bunny anniversary

2011-06-12T23:44:00.002-04:00

Today marked Clover's first anniversary here! It is hard to believe that a year has passed already. In this year, I've learned about bunny behavior, bunny foods, bunny proofing, inter-mingling prey/predator species together, teaching bunny tricks, and most importantly how much fun it can be to have a bunny. Truly, when I sought after getting a bunny, a lot of it was to do with training a completely different species and an animal that could be more containable than a cat. Well, Miss Clover has proven more than that. She's proven bunnies can be affectionate and in the opposite token pissy at times, that they really are athletic and can jump HIGH, that they really LOVE sugar, that they are trainable and can just as easily wrap their paw around your finger just like a dog or cat, that they understand schedules, that they enjoy enrichment activities, that they will climb on you, using you as stairs to their "house," and much more.

I always tell people who are interested in getting bunnies that they are high maintenance animals. They require work just like dogs. But are they worth it? You bet! They may not show the same kind of affection like a dog or cat would, but they have their own way--it's more subtle. It is such a wonderful feeling stroking Clover's cheek, one of her favorite places to be petted, and seeing her little eyes shut and her ears relaxed. There have been times I've fallen asleep in her room by her "house," having petted her. At times, she has literally come over and lied right beside me, closing her eyes herself. It is such a sweet moment.

Here's a photo of Clover with a hat on. I know this should have been a Happy Anniversary hat but I only had Happy Birthday ones. She allowed the hat to stay on long enough for a few photos. Did I say she loves treats? Umm yeah. She got a few more animal crackers today, one of her favorites (Baxter's too)

Happy Anniversary Clover! Mommy loves you and is happy you came into her life.

Now, if we could just teach you to clean up your room.

"Bar" times

2011-06-10T18:11:00.001-04:00

It is hard to believe it has already been two weeks, and I'll be graduating from the bartending school soon. I counted how many recipes I've had to learn during this time. It is 104 that we had to know, and an additional 74 that go into our recipe file box. These drinks aren't as popular around here, so we didn't have to know them for memorization.

On Monday, I'll take my written final. Then, depending on how I feel, I may or may not take the speed round test. I think I wrote it wrong in the last post I talked about it. It is 12 drinks in 8 minutes. I practiced a good bit yesterday and had someone time me. I was right at 12 when the buzzer went off, having had a glass in my hand. The rule is as long as you have a glass or bottle in your hand when the time runs out, you are allowed to finish the drink. Seriously, it is nerve racking! There are no more open bars (practice times) for this weekend either.

Once the speed round test is over and provided you pass everything, then they will help you with job placement which will be helpful. Though I think bartending can definitely be a good job, I am so worried about being in the real world of it. I know it i just like starting anything new, but still, there is a lot involved.

So I mentioned in my last post about this guy (A--I'm only giving him an initial since there are multiple people I'll be mentioning) there. I don't know too much about him other than his age, that he used to work in corporate America as a business developer, that he is into rock climbing, likes animals, used to drink but doesn't now, has nice handwriting, and is apparently a smoothie drinker. The last two things are what started our conversations--me noticing he had nice handwriting for a guy. Then, we began talking about other things, including what we ate for breakfast. He said he has smoothies every morning, and I said (jokingly of course) that he did not look like a smoothie drinker. Since then, he still says that phrase to me with a bit of a smirk.

Then, today, we (me, A., and another girl who is also graduating next week) had the most funny laugh. Another guy at the school (he was a week ahead of us) apparently has been texting A. He and A. had talked briefly, because they were wanting to work at the same place. A. gave this other guy his number. Well, this other guy texted A. 42 times yesterday, asking questions very typical of what a girl or someone wanting to be in a relationship might ask. A. was really surprised by this, because he does not know this guy from adam.

So we are not sure of this guy's intention, so A. thought about putting his arm around me when he came in today. LOL The guy never came in today, but still, it was really a funny moment. Actually, the other scenario I thought of was giving A. my number on a piece of paper while this guy walked in. I figured it would have killed two birds with one stone.

I'll see how Monday goes and at least let him know that I'd like to go rock climbing some time. I've learned to not hold my breath with these things, but at the same time you never really know.

First date number whatever

2011-06-08T23:26:00.003-04:00

Last weekend, I went on a date with a new Match guy. For those following my date saga, you'll soon learn I have not had much success in general. Seriously, it begins to make me wonder WTF is wrong with me?

I was actually optimistic about this guy. We had spoken a few times on the phone for almost an hour each time. This guy seemed to be my type--smart, funny, into medical sciences, nature, hiking, etc. Originally, we had planned on dinner and maybe hiking or to go walking where there would be pretty flowers. A few days before the weekend, he stubbed his toe. It wasn't broken but likely bruised badly.

The day after he told me this news, I received a coupon from groupon for miniature golfing locally. I thought this would be a great alternative. We could chat, and he wouldn't have to walk that much. He seemed game for the idea as well.

We agreed to meet at the miniature golf place. There was some confusion over the coupon, and apparently, groupon did not write the description as specific as it should have, but needless to say we could play 2 rounds if we wanted. We wound up only playing one since it was so hot, and we were both hungry.

It was interesting, because my first impression of him was that he was a bit effeminate, nothing flamboyant, just not necessarily the manly type. And that was okay, it just threw me for a surprise.

The miniature golfing was mostly chit chatting, asking each other questions. I figured at dinner would be a better time to really talk and get to know him. There was a Korean BBq and sushi place nearby, so we decided to go there. These are the places where you cook your own food at the table.

The dinner itself was scrumptious. I could live off all the little Korean dishes they had there! Talking was going fairly well overall, and then it got weird. I asked him just to tell me about his life experiences. He had already discussed his background, so now he moved onto high school and beyond. Apparently, during high school, he got into a lot of partying which extended well past his teen/young adult years. He said his partying got very out of control, like the control of losing several jobs. He finally got clean, began recovery, went to college as a non-traditional student, relapsed, but is now clean again. Currently, he is in a graduate program studying Bioinformatics which is actually quite an interesting field.

After hearing this, I did specifically ask if he was in recovery or recovered. He said the former. This always leaves for weird conversation. In some ways, this would have been a good time for me to pipe up and say, "oh yeah, I get the recovery thing, because I'm in recovery from my ED." But somehow, it just felt too awkward. I just said my famous lines of "well, we all have our issues. I'm glad that you are getting through yours, etc." I did tell him about my depression in high school and beyond, but that was about it.

The rest of the conversation just well didn't flow that well. I'd try to become humorous, tell a story, etc., but it didn't fly. Then, it got weird with the check. I had actually forgotten how expensive Korean BBQ places are and normally would not have suggested it at all. This restaurant was close and Asian. My date only had cash with him and not enough. I think he felt badly asking me to pick up the tab, and I felt slightly miffed to say the least since I paid for the mini golf (I didn't mind since that was my idea anyway). I guess it surprised me he didn't have his credit/debit card with him? Doesn't everyone have at least one card these days? I have no problem going "dutch," but am maybe a little traditional on first dates and do kind of expect the guy to pay for coffee, dinner, or lunch.

Anyway, I paid the check, he gave me his cash. I should have left after this, but he wanted to do something else. Since it was already 5pm, and all the events around the area were over, we decided to go to the mall and walk around. That seemed so lame honestly, so high schoolish or something. We walked for an additional hour or so, and then I really did need to go. I think the only reason why I went was because I felt badly to just leaving abruptly. I've certainly had that happen to me, and it is not a great feeling.

Thinking more about this date, I don't think it was so much the in recovery thing. I do get that honestly. I think it was the lack of maturity--everything from dress to his likes. But at the same time too, he was a bit of a thinker, like he'd get lost in thought suddenly. There was one other thing that really bothered me. He said how he isn't much of an exerciser (okay not a problem there), but that because he was not very active, he was basically eliminating flour and sugar. Maybe it's just my history with food or something, but it just drives me crazy these days when people are cutting out entire products. The current craze is wheat gluten. I certainly understand if you have an actual disease like Celiac and wheat gluten needs to be avoided, but otherwise, it isn't something that needs to be eliminated completely, maybe moderated at times just like anything else.

Needless to say, this guy just isn't dating material. It is too bad, because I was really excited to get to meet him. Now, I must give him kudos for one thing he said to me which was "I'm glad I got a chance to meet you. You're more beautiful in person than online." (No, he did not mean I was un-beautiful online now did I take it that way) Unfortunately, that statement was just not enough to cut it.

Until my next first date I guess. But I must say, there is sort of a prospect in my bartending class. I can't quite figure him out yet. For example, we have to refill our bottles when they are out/low. Both of us had lime juice. He filled his, and when I went to fill mine, nothing came out. I asked him, and he went back, and held the container for me at an angle, so I could refill my bottle. I know this probably means nothing, it's just likely some nice-guy type thing he does. There have been a few other instances too, but I'll have to write that in another post.

p.s. On a side note regarding the whole diet craze of eliminating wheat gluten. I overhead two women talking who were saying they were basically on an all natural diet. no red flags yet. Then, this one woman said how she was eliminating wheat gluten. She was saying how it was in so many products that she even had to change her make up to a gluten-free one. No offense to anyone who has done thing, but it just seemed a little extreme to me.

Bartending 101

2011-06-02T23:38:00.006-04:00

First off, thanks for all the support in my last post. I've actually received really good feedback from most people, so that makes me feel more comfortable about it.

I started on Tuesday. From the get go, you are learning drinks and how to make them. The first day was Martinis, Manhattans, and Rob Roys. Yesterday were the Tall drinks. These would be your exotic ones like Sex on the Beaches, Long Island Iced Teas, Hurricanes, Mojitos, etc. Today were the 2 oz Cocktails, Beers, and Wines.

I've found that I've done really well with the written quizzes which essentially means I'm good at memorizing recipes. However, I've found that being behind the bar is a different story. I really have to think about the ingredients, amounts, and the Mnemonic devices. It is NOT easy. Some of the mnemonic devices are funny. For example for one of the Tall drinks, the mnemonic device is: Run Bugs Bunny Go Outside and Pee 151 times. Brownie points for whoever knows this drink.

Also, it is interesting pouring drinks. It's hard not to feel like you want to measure every single ounce to make sure you are exactly right. If you did this, it would jut scream "Rookie," so obviously it is very looked down upon. However, you do learn how to be pretty accurate by counting and pouring. In the practices I've done with free pouring, I have been accurate, so I really should not worry. It is just one of those things I guess. You get better with practice and to have the ability to gauge what the ounce is based on where the liquid is.

Next Monday is basically a mid term--a bit scary!! At the end of two weeks, you have a written final and a practical where you have to pour 8 drinks correctly in 12 minutes. It doesn't sound like a lot, and obviously if you know your stuff, you should be able to hit it out of the ball park. However, I have a feeling nerves will get to me and then all my drink recipes will disappear with only a blank mind. Ugh, that would be awful. But, for now, I'm not focusing on that!

Besides the start of bartending school, my schedule got really hectic. Seriously, I go to class from 10am to 2pm, get back by 2:30pm or so, then am working on projects, doing house stuff (I've left my clean laundry in the basket for 2 weeks now), doing gardening, etc. I tend to not get to working on the bartending stuff until late, like 11pm. I work on it for a few hours, then go to bed and wake up early to study. I'm actually thankful the weekend will be coming up soon, though Saturday is busy with some cadaver training and a date with a new Match guy. This guy seems really cool, so well see.

On top of this, there was a possibility I might be able to go to Search and Rescue camp next week. I tried really hard to get this to work but I just can't get my act together in such short time nor find people to watch the dogs and bunny (both my neighbors are gone all week) I'm really upset about this as it was a great deal financially, lots of training opportunity, and just simply fun. Had I known I did not have to watch my neighbor's dog while was she was out of town (found out Monday), I would have changed my plans significantly. Oh well.

I also got an interesting e-mail today as well which might be a great opportunity, working with dogs in a different capacity. That would be exciting, so we'll see where that goes.

As you can see, it's been busy around here lately. But in a good way. I've had several moments where I've just felt kind of blissful with all the new doors opening. It is quite freeing, inspiring, and an odd feeling to have. In any case, I'm looking at it as good karma maybe making its way around my corner.

Hope everyone is having a good week!

New career move

2011-05-30T10:21:00.001-04:00

So I've left everyone in suspense here as to my new career move. Since I'm in a big period of transition, trying to figure things out, still unemployed, etc., I figure this is as good of a time as any to try something new. That statement is ironic as 3 or more years ago, I would have negated and shunned that thought all together. After all, we are creatures of habit and ritual.

I have decided to attend bartending school. And yes, you really can become a professional bartender, licensed and all. I checked the local school here which is accredited, established, and seems like a nice place to learn. The school only lasts 2 weeks for four hours/day. The schedule is flexible, coming in either in the morning, at night, or on the weekend. Upon graduation, you become licensed in all 50 states. This school will also help you with job placement here or any of their other affiliated schools across the country.

I met with the enrollment person last week and took a tour. It's a nice set up as it simulates what an average bar looks like--all 200+ bottles. It is a bit daunting at first, but I think just like everything there is a learning curve, and then you get it. Plus, it is really helpful that I tend to have a good memory.

In talking with this person, I learned a few interesting things. One question I was curious about was how many people who enrolled who were not drinkers. She said about 80% of people were non-drinkers, and quite a few of them had never had any drinks at all. I, myself, am not a big drinker, though have tried various mixed drinks--sex on the beaches, daiquiris, fuzzy navels, mai tais, long island iced teas, cosmopolitans, some blue drink which I think was a blue hawaiian. This person considered me a "sponge." LOL

Many are asking why would I even choose bartending. Well, for a variety of reasons actually. One, the money which is mostly tips can be good if you are doing your job right. This is also dependent on where you are working. For me, I'd only be choosing upscale, nice places. I do not want to have to deal with off-the-wall drinkers who only drink to get drunk, and then do some stupid stuff. In general, nicer places will also have a different clientele who will order more sophisticated drinks.

Two, the hours can be flexible depending on where you work. And truly, I do want to have some kind of life outside of just work. Also, this type of career tends to be stable. If you think about it, it's like eating,. Generally speaking, people have a tendency to eat by emotions--sad or happy, etc. The same is with drinking.

Three, I think this could be a good way to challenge myself out of my comfort zone. I'm typically a shy person, don't necessarily talk much until I get to know you, but always friendly. I know for a fact that I will always be on the reserved side, that I will never be your typical social butterfly. But, if I can teach myself to in a way to "be on" when I need to be, I think it will give me more confidence in the long run. Even the enrollment girl I was talking to picked up on this, and said she could imagine me being chatty with someone. Truly, that's part of bartending. Sure, part of it may be that you make good drinks, but what gets people coming back is you and your personality.

I also know for a fact that I'd be a very ethical bartender. I could never live with myself if something ever happened to someone, knowing I could have prevented it. This place helps you in dealing with customer service and situations where people have had too much.

I start class tomorrow. It feels a bit weird going into a classroom again with a pen, paper, index cards, and a highlighter. I'm hoping it will be worth it. I kind of look at bartending as cooking. There is some science and art to it--a basic recipe and then your added touches with presentation. I'll keep everyone posted how it goes.

p.s.--This idea ironically came from my father, you know the one who has been telling me for years to go back to school. I never would have thought he would have said this though. He also told me about someone he knew that was a bartender in New York, making $1,000 in tips/night. Being in the midwest, that will likely not happen.

p.p.s--In some ways, it still feels odd thinking about this profession, but at this point I do need to think financially here. And I'm having a hard time to catch any breaks on the job front.

Exhausting but fun week

2011-05-30T00:41:00.002-04:00

I've been recovering for the last two days and trying to catch up on everything from this past week. For whatever reason, I'm having a difficult time with this, feeling lethargic and a little unmotivated frankly. Things are getting done, just not at the speed which I'd like.

With the exception of many thunderstorms, lack of sleep from Hank being worried, and likely getting my physical therapist in trouble (was supposed to have a follow up Rx for PT and never did...whoops!) , this was a splendid week! The highlight was the clicker clinic where I got a chance to work with several dog trainers from Belgium! Although the Belgian dog trainers had a specialty in bite sport work (think attack dog, aka Schutzhund and Ringsport like Mondio Ringsport, French Ring, Belgian Ring, etc.), it was cool to be able to apply some of their techniques to the scent work I am working on with Tovah.

You do not know how nervous I was actually participating in the clinic. This was Tovah's first experience in a workshop setting, and I was so worried that she would not focus at all or she wouldn't do anything I said she does. Plus, I was in front of some top notch trainers and my peers too. My confidence level is just not there yet.

However, with saying all this, Tovah and I did really well. I was quite pleased with how she did. The Belgian trainers liked Tovah and thought she did well too. One thing that the Belgian trainers did which I felt was really nice was allow me to work on something completely different from the others. They knew this ahead of time (I was specifically wanting help with Tovah's alert to cadaver odor), but still they didn't have to actually split the room for me or wait until all the bite sport work dogs were finished. They could have just said the hell with it and left you know. But they didn't. We tried once to work on Tovah's scent discrimination, but she was too distracted by the barking, whistling, tugging that was going on on the other side of the room. Bite sport work is pretty darn exciting!

Guy (Ghee), one of the Belgian trainers, just waited until the bite sport work dogs were finished. I brought Tovah back out and she did just as I had described. We worked with her and now I have a new way to try to help her with her alert. Guy said he knows this will work. He felt very confident that she would get it, and that I was clever enough to figure out how.

At the end of the day which concluded with a Thai restaurant and talking until midnight (it's very interesting t osee how European dog training is different from American), Guy gave me his business card. He said I could e-mail or ask any questions, and he would reply back. My heart just warmed with this. It is very cool that little ole me now has a dog training contact in Belgium! Plus, Guy reminded me of a big old teddy bear, and every time he said "good," it reminded me of some kind of Russian gymnastics coach or the likes of Bela Karolyi. LOL Seriously though, I think these moments get to me, because I still have not been able to let go of that "deserving" concept, or that my dog training skills are "good enough."

Anyway, I got back at 2am the next day and was exhausted! Ever since, I've just been trying to play catch up with house stuff, planting flowers, mowing, running (missed my long run this week), reading, blogging, dog training, and dum dum dum gearing up for my new career move, part-time for now at least. I promise to write about that soon. Most people would never ever think of me in this profession.

Off to bed, tomorrow's a long day.

Hope everyone has a nice Memorial Day and stays safe.

5k race results

2011-05-22T11:42:00.006-04:00

First off, my apologies, there are no pictures. I seriously need to start putting a note on my forehead to remember my camera! By the time I did, I was on the interstate which was down to one lane. I was afraid of being late or not finding parking. I should have gone back and gotten it, because I got there in plenty of time with lots of parking still available. Oh well, next time, I will remember. Ya'll can keep me to that. ;-) I also forgot Tovah's harness, so I had to run her on her collar. :-(

I think there was a total of 700+ racers. There were a lot of dogs of various sizes, breeds, and mixes who showed up--some ran, some walked, and some just came to watch. I did see a small dog in a doggie stroller, though I don't think she ran. There were a good number of kids as well, and they had a fun run dash after the race was over.

The race itself went okay. IMO, 10 AM is too late to start a race even if it a short one, especially if you have dogs. My guess is that it 73-74 degrees which is hot for running, but on the plus side, it was not raining. The race was a little disorganized. We were all by the start line, and the announcer had a megaphone but no one could hear with all the talking. Then, suddenly I hear "on your mark, get set, go" and the gun goes off. People to the left and right of me were like "oh, we're starting now." But needless to say we were off.

Tovah was ramped to go the first 1 1/2 miles, and we were ahead in the dog/runner division. But then, Tovah was not speeding up, and I had a hard time getting her to go faster. Where was a squirrel or bird when I needed them?

I saw another dog/runner duo, and we were running side by side at one point. She was a basketball player and just running to stay in shape. Her Boxer was with her, not sure if he ran much though, and not in that warm weather for sure. Anyway, she pulled and ahead and won in the dog/runner division by 23 seconds, and we came in second.

It was a bit funny after the race, because the officials had come to me asking if I was the first dog/runner duo to finish. I could have easily lied you know, but that's not me of course. I told them it was the girl with the brindle Boxer. They eventually found her, and she got her medal.

When I looked at the results later, surprisingly, we were running a faster pace than I thought, so though there was no medal winning for us, it was still a good race. The male and female winners were booking it as were the runners running with strollers. I didn't think this was quite fair, because it was all men! In real life, how many of us actually see men running with kids in their strollers?

I met up with a girl from the running group, and we walked around the vendors and gabbed a bit. I told her my latest career or at least temporary job thoughts which she thought was cool. I will share that in the next post.

Overall, Tovah did pretty well with the other dogs. There was still a little snarking, but she wasn't the only one per se. I was proud of myself for only having one dog trainer moment. There was a guy who had his dog's harness on completely ass-backwards. It was very unsafe. I went up and told the guy nicely, it was backwards and not fitted correctly. He really did not seem to have a clue. Now, whether he will change the harness or not is anyone's guess, but at least he's aware.

So that is the race report for the OTR 5k. There are some more 5k and 10k races coming up which I may do, but still debating. I'll likely be doing a fall marathon, so am starting that training process. One thing for sure is that I've got to acclimate my body to warm temperatures. For whatever reason, it seems much tougher this time around. Like everything else, it's just about getting yourself out there, albeit safely, well hydrated, and nourished of course. :-)

ps.--In a bizarre fashion here, I was looking back over the results, and there is a name that looks strangely familiar--a girl from my college chemistry class. I'm almost positive it is her, and the age is about right. I have no way of contacting her though :-( This was a girl who used to beat me on every chemistry test (I really sucked at chemistry anyway), despite the fact I was helping her! And of course yet again, she beat me by 4 seconds. It's a friendly rivalry though.

pps--if I find any pics from the race, I'll post them.

Tomorrow--a 5k race

2011-05-21T00:08:00.001-04:00

On a whim, I decided to register for a 5k race. There are actually a lot around here, and normally, I do not do 5k races, feeling like they are just too short of a distance. However, this one that is tomorrow caught my eye, because they are allowing dogs and giving a medal to the first runner/dog duo to cross the finish line. I did find it funny that they wrote in parentheses that the dog must run, meaning no doggie strollers. They are also giving a medal to the first person and stroller with baby in stroller to cross the finish line.

This will be Tovah's and my first official 5k race. I'm a bit worried about how many dogs might be there. Tovah is great with dogs as long as she has seen them before. It's the new/strange dogs she "shouts" out. I'm hoping they will not be very distracting for her, and she'll just run with me as always. I have every bit of confidence it is all bluff for her as she has never harmed a dog at all. Still though, I do not want to distress anyone else, or for them to say, "WTH did that girl bring the obnoxious, barking dog?" It's moments like this when I don't want to say I'm a dog trainer, but then again, dog trainers have a tendency to take problem cases (not that I constitute Tovah as one). It's called the "Dog Trainer's Trainer's Syndrome.

I'll post how it goes.

Let's talk about teeth!

2011-05-18T10:08:00.005-04:00

Today's topic is teeth. Yeah, I know, I've talked about it before on here. But I think it is one of the neglected parts of our bodies we talk about with eating disorders. And let's face it realistically, many of the symptoms, ie starving, purging, chewing/spitting, etc. can all cause some major teeth damage. It's only been fairly recently that we've realized how early dentists can pick up on the preliminary effects of an eating disorder, though I'm still not sure how much it is discussed in general (for one, none of my dentists ever said anything, I had to tell them)

For those off you who don't know my story, I was bulimic for many years. For over a decade now, I've had some numerous teeth problems, costing thousands of dollars, no joke! It is sadly probably one of the permanent damages from my eating disorder. Currently, I need like 3 or 4 implants and a bridge replaced. No fun, everyone. It sucks to lose your teeth to harsh, violating acts you have done on your body.

So here's the thing. Though logically I knew my teeth damage was likely permanent, I did have some hope I could reverse part of the damage or at least keep it at bay by not purging which I kicked when I began my "true" recovery about 2 1/2 years ago (gosh, it has been hard to believe it has been that long) For me, training for the marathon that year (2008) was part of the impetus to end that bittersweet love affair. There have been some other complications with that, but that is another story for another day.

A few weeks ago, I had a dental appointment. This was for a general cleaning (last time, they just did a light cleaning due to some "pockets") and to have 3 cavities filled. Yes 3! Prior to this, I didn't have any indications other than some slight tenderness to coldness. There hasn't been any purging in a long time, there was no major killer infection or toothache this time, yet still, I was surprised to have 3 cavities! I also have an irritation where one of my teeth was extracted, but my dentist said she could not find anything. It's annoying knowing that something is causing that irritation but not to have a reason.

In some wrong assumption (you know where logic fails you), I had thought that once I stopped purging, all my teeth problems would be resolved. I had felt that just like I was taking care of my body, I was also taking care of my teeth in the same way. I brushed, flossed (okay, this could be better), rarely drank soda or carbonated beverages, etc., but problems still arose. Don't get me wrong, I have far less trouble with my teeth than before, but it is still a reminder that I must be vigilant about them. And that, yes, I will likely always have some susceptibility to teeth problems.

So people, the take home message is don't forget about your teeth! You may not think you are doing damage now, but this like other symptoms of an ED can be lasting and permanent. This certainly doesn't mean that if you have teeth damage, then the hell with it, there is no hope. But rather, be vigilant, remind yourself that you only have your teeth once, so just like the rest of your body, they are important to take care of. (there's only been a very few people that I've known who could actually grow teeth!) Go see your dentist! Just like you would see a medical doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, or dietitian/nutritionist, your dentist is important too!

Okay, I'm done for my spiel of the day. :-)

Breaking down the Big Top

2011-05-16T13:53:00.004-04:00

The Cirque du Soleil gig has now ended. It was an interesting experience for the most part. Being an usher was not that difficult, but I still found myself feeling worried about not being perfect which happened on more than a few occasions. Since the amount of shifts you worked depended on your performance, it was obvious to see I was not one of the stand out people. It's okay though, my heart wasn't broken, especially since I did pick up a few shifts this past week.

Overall, I'd say that I met the goals I had: to meet some new people and to do something different. There was a diverse group of people there--some had lost jobs, simply didn't have a job (this was the majority) others were supplementing their income, and others wanted to be Cirque "followers." Followers are people who follow Cirque from city to city, as long as they are approved to come. They get paid more and obtain more hours, but still, they have to provide their travel and housing expenses, at least in the beginning. My impression was that as you got higher up on the hierarchy chain, the more Cirque would paid for you. One example was a guy who was just out of the army a few years ago and joined Cirque for temporary work. He went onto follow them, and now manages one of the sections of food and beverage for this show. Now, Cirque covers most of his expenses. So for Cirque, there is a lot to be said for working hard.

I met another guy who was also an usher whose eventual hope is to audition to be a trapeze artist. He said he saw Cirque when he was 6 or so and decided he wanted to do that when he was older. He did gymnastics and self taught himself trapeze. Another guy actually got offered a position to work in lighting.

There were a few things I learned in the process too:

I could never work a second shift type job. It isn't the hours per se, but I dislike feeling like I miss out on a lot of normal people's life. Usually, by the time I got home, I was pretty beat and fell asleep fairly quickly. Then, my mornings were spent with e-mails, phone calls, job searching, etc., and then it would be time to leave for Cirque again in the early afternoon.
A second-type shift also affects my eating schedule. Sure, I'd probably adapt if I had to do this everyday, but on a temporary basis, it isn't my style.
Standing for long periods of time even in good shoes is definitely hard on my back and hip. I noticed on days when I did not have to work, these body parts felt significantly better.
I think if I had to wear black every single day, I'd go neurotic with worrying about dog hair on my clothes.
I do not think I could live the artist or Cirquador (that's what we were called) type lifestyle. It isn't so much the traveling that would be hard, but it would be difficult on my animals. If I had only one animal, that might be easier. Also, my neurotic self could not handle having to try to find housing every 3-4 weeks in a completely new city. That would be really stressful! And for the artists, this lifestyle can be really tough if they have family, though Cirque does try to accommodate for that. Basically, there is no real permanency.
People can be very messy at these types of shows. Popcorn everywhere, soda, liquor, beer, water spilled, half eaten pretzels and candy thrown on the ground. It was really gross at times. I guess this would be similar to a movie theater.
People also either do not read signs or completely disregard them. We had to tell numerous people that no flash photography or recording was allowed for the artists' safety, despite the signs and announcements. It is tough with cell phones with cameras to catch everyone.

And now for some Cirque du Soleil facts and what I learned about this show which I will now reveal was Ovo. Typically, I just don't reveal these things, but I really liked this show, so I want to be able to give you all my recommendation.

Cirque du Soleil is French for "Circus of the sun."
The Grand Chapiteau (the Big Top) seats about 2,600 people. It is set to be intimate, so everyone can see the stage well and feel the emotions of the artists.
Cirque started in 1984 with 2 street performers in Montreal, Canada.
There are 22 shows worldwide with a variety of themes and venues.
The show Ovo is about the world of insects.
Ovo is Portguese for "egg" which is supposed to embody the cycle of insectdom in awakening, playing, seeking love, finding love.
This show has 54 artists from an age range of 14-54 years old. They encompass 16 countries. When I looked at this program, there were only 2 artists from the US, the rest international. The entire Cirque du Soleil company is comprised of 5,000 employees, over 1,300 artists, and about 50 countries. It is also still a privately run company.
The insects range from a ladybug, a fly, a dragonfly, a mosquito, butterflies, ants, fleas, spiders, scarebs, crickets, cockroaches, and a "creatura."
This show is the first to have a female director.
The music in this show is Brazilian inspired. It's a really nice music track--very upbeat.
The diabolo juggler is apparently the only guy in the world who can juggle 6 diabolos, though he consistently performs with 4.
In this show, the scarebs in the trapeze act cover the most distance ever for a Cirque show. It takes 40 technicians to set up this act.
This show also uses the most lights ever in a Cirque show as well as the highest free-standing structure made for a show--the wall in this case that the crickets jump off from.

Their next stop for this show tour is Minneapolis. If you get a chance, it is really worth seeing.

p.s.--I had a really sweet moment. On one of the last days, they had like a "garage" sale of items you could buy for a discounted price. As workers, we already had a substantial price off, but these were even less because they couldn't sell these items to the public. One guy who I did not even know (he worked in a different dept.) overheard me saying I thought the little masks on the table were cute but didn't have any cash with me. Well, he just upped and offered to buy it for me. Such a nice gesture.

Dog bite inhibition and recovery

2011-05-10T14:09:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I attended a 3-day dog seminar by one of the dog gurus of positive reinforcement. As he would say his ideas are not new, but he has re-popularized them. Several years ago this dog guru was going to retire from lecturing but decided to come back, mainly because he felt the state of dog training was going in a downward direction, ahem, with some people only believing things they were seeing on television. Thus, the last couple of years or so, he has been lecturing worldwide again which many of us, especially those of us who are fairly young in this industry, are delighted in seeing.

I've heard this speaker before and have seen him at conferences, but this was the first I'd seen in this type of format. Truly, it was a great seminar with a lot of information and better clarity as to why his specific method works. I felt really inspired.

There was one thing that was especially interesting to me and related to eating disorders and recovery. He was specifically talking about behavioral consults with owners. The consults could be a variety of topics, but one of the most that not only he has seen but many of us are dogs who bite. He allows the owner to give the history of their dogs--the how, why, when, where, triggers, etc. for the dog bites. But for him, there are only two critical pieces of information: 1) Is the dog dangerous? and 2) Did the dog/person have to go to the vet/hospital?

The rest of the information, you could say fills out the story, but these are the defining criteria. It doesn't really matter that the dog bit when this, this, and this (triggers we could say) happened, because all it means is there is still a problem. Even if the dog has a predisposition (maybe wired to have anxiety) to biting or has a medical condition, or whatever, the whole point is that it never fully developed what we call good bite inhibition (meaning they know how to control their mouths and are less likely to bite you, a kid, another dog, animal, etc.).

So where am I going with this? It's a bit two-fold here. First, many of us, professionals included, have a tendency to talk about the past a lot (and certainly there is a place and time for that). There becomes a tendency to get lost in the details but a failure to truly look at what to do now and learn how to resolve the problem. For example, we can say, well, this triggered me, so that was why I didn't do x, y, or z. But the thing is that that we have to stop looking at that "trigger" as I hate to put it this way but an excuse at times.

Perhaps, I view this differently from others, because I'm in a different place now; or maybe I got tired of looking at the past (there is only so much sulking, feeling ashamed, feeling guilty, etc. that one can do) or triggers or whatever and wanted to figure out how to help myself in the here and now.

Secondly, there are a lot of us who walk around in "functional" modes. This would actually equate to the most dangerous type of dog--the dog who is well socialized but has poor bite inhibition. An example he gave us was a dog who was a therapy dog. The dog (a Golden Retriever by the way) was about to retire and was going on one last therapy trip with another handler, not the owner. The handler accidentally slammed the dog's tail in the door, and the dog redirected and bit her arm multiple times, sending her to the hospital.

With the "functional" ED person, we are well liked, do well at our jobs/school, take care of our family, go to social event, etc. but then do poorly at taking care of ourselves--to the point of physically and mentally wearing ourselves down to just a stub of nothing.

Now, I don't think there is necessarily a denial problem, but there is a kind of recovery lapse here. I certainly raise my hand to this. I've been there and done that, thinking well, this, this, and this isn't happening, so it's not a problem, it's not a big deal. But it IS a big deal. Each moment we stop ourselves from a a certain meal, a fun event, a social event, a time with our families, a time with friends, a memory-making trip, we are depriving ourselves of something.

Anyway, I do not know if this analogy will make sense to people, but the whole notion of even though there is x, y, and z that happens, there is ultimately still a problem. And that is something we have to remember at times when we become complacent with ourselves. For those of us who may be stuck in the past and in the details, we have to continue to look forward and not backward. Andi n each of these processes, it is of course baby steps along the way.

FP Marathon race recap

2011-05-02T22:44:00.008-04:00

First off, thanks everyone for the good luck wishes on my race yesterday. Overall, there was good and band but no ugly. Yay!

The good:

-Time was decent (more on that later).

-It was fun meeting up with some others from the running group.

-I plowed through even when I felt horribly tired.

-My bondiband headband stayed on.

The bad:

-My chip timer on my shoe laces kept hitting me mid ankle every time I had a heel strike. This caused me to change my gait. Even after the race, a mark was left on my foot and anything near that spot, still made my foot feel like the chip timer was there.

-It rained on and off the entire race, and there was high humidity.

-My legs felt like lead.

That's a bit of a summary. As I mentioned in my last post, this race was more about camaraderie than anything else. I met with three girls from the running group early in the morning to drive over to the race site. There were tons of people there. I knew there was no way of finding some of the people who we had all wanted to say hi and wish luck to in a sea of 20,000 people.

By the time the race began, it was already raining and my shoes and socks were soaked midway through the race. K (one of the girls that rode with me) and I were going to run together since we both had the same race goal time. Well, she took off at the start, going out faster than I expected. I ran too fast out of the corral as well. By mile 4, I was already tired and had started slowing down.

The rest of the race, I had periods of being slower or faster depending on the terrain. However, I could never pick up my pace greatly. I finished the race about 8 minutes slower than I had originally wanted, but it was still a decent time. It gave me a baseline for where I was, having only gotten back into running at the end of January after a year in a half hiatus and only running 2-3x/week. If you all remember, I have also been doing physical therapy for awhile. Normally, I mention if I'm going to run a race or something, but I got yelled at once for that by my PT, so I refrained from telling him since my injuries have been doing a lot better.

One thing I can say, and no one would ever expect to hear me say this, but I actually miss the hills I used to run on out in the country. And this is coming from a girl who used to hate hills! Seriously though, that put me in such great condition.

K. who went out faster than me finished a little over a minute before me, and the rest of our crew came in a few minutes later. We all said how we had a hard time picking up the pace, so it was good to hear it was not just me. I heard later that a lot of people were disappointed with their race times. My guess, it was the humidity.

As we all finished, we made our way to the post race food aisles. There were mega amounts of everything--bananas, chocolate milk, yogurt, fruit cups, fritos, doritos, granola bars, water, fruit, etc. I guess when you have to feed 20,000 people, it takes a lot of food. K. actually took a box and just started grabbing multiple items of everything. We all laughed about that.

On the drive back to our cars, I learned a few interesting things about these girls. They all went to the same high school, ran cross country and did other sports together. They were also all pregnant at the same time with two of them delivering on the same day! It left me feeling like the odd girl out, but it was nice of them to include me, even with all of us wearing matching barrettes. Surprisingly, even after learning this, I didn't feel too much like a "tag-a-long."

The rest of the day was pretty non-active and low key, other than discovering Tovah somehow hurt her toe and was limping. Well, except when she saw a squirrel in the yard. Then, miraculously, there was no more limp, and she ran off into the yard. But of course, came back limping. ;-)

That's the recap for this race. Hopefully, there will be another one later in the year. No dates or decisions have been set yet.

Note--Some interesting tidbits about this race:
-The woman who won the marathon is legally blind. She said she used the big clocks and "pig" markers as a way to guide her.
-The third place female winner in the 5k was a woman who won this marathon five years ago. Six months ago, she was hit by a car while cycling, having extensive head and body injuries. She and her husband are both doctors, and it was actually her husband who was dispatched to the scene of the accident, though he did not recognize her. Both were the honorary starters on Sunday.

-I saw a man wearing minimalist shoes.
-I saw another man actually going barefoot. This barefoot/minimalist shoe is the latest trend in running. I have decided to keep my shoes and not run like a Kenyan who can easily run barefoot.
-There was a lot of pink clothing, costumes, and a streaker. The news story said he had to borrow a pair of his father's shorts which were too big. The shorts kept falling off, so he just let them go. He apparently wouldn't stop running, so he was tasered by the police. He plead not guilty today in court.

Tomorrow's race

2011-04-30T21:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to the Running Expo to register for the half-marathon tomorrow. Typically, I do not wait until the last minute, but I was on the fence about the race for quite some time due to injuries earlier in the year. The injuries have been healing nicely with physical therapy though I think this is mostly because I am no longer standing for 8-10 hours a day every single day. When I tried to register on the last day, I missed the online registration by 30 minutes. I guess the deadline was 12am that day and not 11pm of that day. I could have been a stickler about this, and I even thought about running as a "bandit" (these are people who just run the race but are not actually registered, thus not paying) at one point. But, my ethics would never let me do that.

When I went to register, there were quite a lot of people, so I no longer felt dumb for registering late. It was good I went yesterday, because there was apparently a ten mile wait on the interstate just to go to the Expo today. Yikes!

I browsed the Expo. This one is pretty nice, because it is a huge event--over 19,000 entrants tomorrow for the half and full marathons. An additional 10,000 for the 5k, 10k, relay, and other events today. I was proud of myself for NOT buying much. The only thing I decided to buy was a headband and participate in a fundraiser/raffle of which I know I have no hopeless chance of winning. It was one of those "how many pigs are in the jar" contests.

The issue of which headband to buy was an interesting dilemma. There were 3 different groups-sweatybands, bondibands, and chicabands. I tried to see what the differences were of each. They all claimed they don't slip, help wick sweat, and were of course stylish. I spoke to the bondiband woman who said these actually worked. She gave me the backstory of how bondibands came about. I wanted to try one of them, but did not want to dish $15 for one band. I wound up going with the bondiband which was only $8 for one band. I found a cute one that is purple (my running outfit is purple) with pink dog paw prints. I tried it on today while I was walking the dogs and mowing, and it did stay in place. It'll be interesting to see how it works tomorrow.

So tomorrow. Well, I will be getting up at a bright and early 4am and meeting with some running group members at 5:20am. The race starts at 6:30am. There are predictions of rain and storms. Ugh!

This is technically my first half-marathon. Though I do have a time in mind, it's not as important to me per se. At least not this go around coming back from not running for over a year. This race is more about camaraderie than anything else. I've met some great people and wanted to share in the experience of running this race. The majority of them really do not care that much about a time (a few do). For them, it seems more about completing the race, and running a good race for themselves. And this is what I want to feel too--just to run the race and feel good about it. The time is only the icing on the cake truthfully. (I also would like to remember this race as I don't seem to have much memory when I ran my marathons back in 2008 :-/)

I'll keep you all posted on how tomorrow goes.

A social hit

2011-04-30T09:30:00.002-04:00

A few nights ago, our running group met for a pasta dinner. Having carbs or what is known as "carbo" loading before a race is a pretty typical thing for many runners. I find this a bit ironic for me, because, well, by standard definition, I probably carbo load a lot as I tend to eat noodles very frequently.

In general, the dinner went fine. We chatted, ate, then headed over for a brief dessert at the running shop. I've noticed I've become a little more at ease during these events with this group of people, reminding myself that people are not really observing every morsel I eat.

This event was another good observation of group dynamics. This running group is fairly new, so a lot of us are still getting to know one another. I'm still trying to figure out everyone's name and get an idea of their "story."

I may be weird, but I do like to see how my perceptions match up (or not) to who these people are. I have a tendency to try to snag and observe snippets here and there from things they say, to things they say to other people, to their facebook pages, to their actions, etc.

This was brought up to me when some of us headed to a happy hour at a nearby sportsbar. If you all remember, last time I was invited to this, I passed up on the offer. This time, I decided to go ahead and go even if I was only going to order an iced tea.

There were 8 of us there. Yes, I was the lone iced tea, but that was okay. I do admit I feel strangely odd when people drink even a beer or two and then drive home. I know or at least I hope people know their limits but still, I kind of get worried. :-/ not to be judgmental or anything.

Anyway, an interesting conversation came up about why some of them joined the running group. My perception of several of these people are that they are gregarious, social people, but in fact, some of them are not. One girl I typically run with said she is not social at all. She said she is the type that works and goes home, and she's been content with that. She made the comment that the group was a lot more than she expected and that she was enjoying the social aspect of it.

Another girl said she was totally fine with just wearing her ipod and running solo but decided to join the group anyway. Another guy who is hilarious joined after a few friends recommended that he did. He ran his first half marathon last year apparently in combat boots or so I heard.

What I found interesting about this whole thing was that I joined specifically for the social aspect of it and to meet new people which seemed vastly different from others. I mean why join a group then ya know? Perhaps, my view is skewed after years of solo training and isolation.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess this really should not be surprising. People join things for all different kinds of reasons. This is just another case of how perceptions affect our thoughts.

Cirque delayed

2011-04-27T14:25:00.003-04:00

Ahh, Mother Nature has played her nasty role here. The week has been filled with heavy rain, high winds, and tornado warnings. Not much fun to say the least. Cirque du Soleil cancelled their shows this entire week due to the rising river levels. Seriously, the river is like 4 feet above flood stage and not receding quickly whatsoever. Their poor site is a mess with workers having to boat their way to the tents and trailers. We have heard that for whatever reason this show seems to carry a "black cloud." They've had snow in AZ, floods in San Diego, ice in an Francisco, and now record breaking flooding here.

This means no work for me, at least until next week, hopefully. Boo. But actually, this sort of works out as I have decided to run the half-marathon this weekend. By not working, I'll have ample time to register (yes, I missed the online registration by 30 minutes!) and go to the Expo which is always fabulous, though a bit mazey. I may also have time to do a SAR session with Tovah too. I've got to check on that one for sure.

So I ~~complained~~ mentioned about the black clothes I had to buy for this temp job. I did follow everyone's advice and went to thrifty/consignment places. I was pretty surprised to find some nice clothing for bargain prices. Here are a few of my purchases: I am usually not a big dress person, but I really liked this B. Moss one. The blazer was just my size, and I figured would work well for other occasions. You can see a few more black items I found. A few of the pics are just other clothes I like or ones my mother brought me. I'll get to that in a minute.

While my mother came to visit, she brought me more clothes. Some were black, others not. You see, my mother is like the Queen of consignment shop/bargain hunting. I even took her to one here which she fell in love with, telling me that every time she visits, we must go to that store.

Many times, my mom finds great buys, because she has a lot of patience to dig through stuff--I do but to a point. Now, one thing I have decided my mother does, and for whatever reason, it clicked on this visit, is live vicariously through me by buying me what I call "Bohemian" clothes. Seriously, check out this dress which has grown on me I must say:

Though my mom is a child of the 40s, she really loved the 60s era and went all out on flowery dresses, headbands, and the like. The blousey shirt in the photo album is another one of her bohemian finds. I wore that the day I went to the butterfly show.

Now one thing I did have to buy twice was black shoes. The first pair I bought hurt my feet way too much standing. So I wound up with this pair of Merrell last week. Sadly, they were not on sale, but again, they are usable for future occasions.

That's the wrap on my clothing saga. One thing I am trying to do in general is dress better. It's not that I dress poorly or anything, but I tend to dress for comfort than style. I guess that is the dog trainer in me, years of fearing dog prints on nice clothes. But I think overall, it is a good thing for me--kind of lifts my mood a bit. And heck, we all need that at times in recovery, eh?

Butterfly show

2011-04-26T09:58:00.002-04:00

Last week, my dad and I visited the Conservatory here which is hosting a Brazilian themed butterfly show. Though I do love butterflies, I was a little disappointed overall, just because I wanted to see more species. It seemed I just kept seeing multitudes of the same ones. Plus, I was hoping to see a larger butterfly count. At least I didn't notice any dead ones like someone mentioned in a review last year.

I may go again at another time when it is not so crowded. The day we went was on a Sunday, the second day after the exhibit opened. So of course there were tons of families and kids there. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is a fun event for kids, I just like to not feel so rushed into taking photos and such.

Anyway, I've always found butterflies such a nice metaphor for recovery and am always reminded of their beginnings as caterpillars. In a post last year, I mentioned my sighting of some Black Swallowtail caterpillars around my curly parsley plants. They were literally only there for an evening/night, and then like a flash, they were gone, only leaving the stalk remnants of the parsley. Unfortunately, recovery is not an overnight process and takes a lot of time. Don't we all wish it could like a flash though? You eat, your body is restored, your mind changes about food, and boom we're all better, normal, happy. Then, we could just have a party.

All I can say is to try to stick with it, as hard as it is at times. Familiarity is always easier, so it's learning to take chances, to face your fears, to trust your body, to realize that there is a much better life outside of an ED, to discover/rediscover who you are.

And lastly, I just want to give a shout out to all those wonderful ED recovery/body image bloggers and advocates out there. It's been a pleasure to watch some of you blossom and gain your wings in recovery. It's a scary thing to gain those wings--you can easily fly as you can fall. But, by taking flight, you are seeing what is out there for you, what is within your grasp.

More Butterfly photos

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T15:15:00.002-04:00

Okay, if you have been reading my blog long enough, you know I dress up the dogs on holidays. I do not go overboard with it, it's mostly just for a photo op. There were a few things I had been working on for this Easter. 1) having a group shot of all 3 dogs and the bunny and 2) teaching one of the dogs to hold a basket with eggs in it.

I must say that this was all accomplished, though not necessarily as pretty as I'd like. These photos really do need more than one person, but for the most part, they didn't turn out badly. I at least got a few good pictures. These were literally the only ones where everyone was looking at the camera. I tried placing the ears back on the dogs with Clover, but all were not very cooperative at that point--maybe 5 minutes into this. LOL

Anyway, Happy Easter all! Hope everyone has a prettier day than here--rain, humidity, and clouds. This is the forecast for the next four days.

Cirque du Soleil gig

2011-04-22T23:56:00.005-04:00

I'm sorry once again for my lack of posts. This week has been really busy. My dad was here until yesterday, and I started my temporary job with Cirque du Soleil as an usher. I'm hoping to write some more posts this weekend. I have some posts in mind on family, clothes, this job, and running, so please bear with me. Hopefully, there will be some breaks of rain/thunderstorms this weekend. I've learned from past experience, it is best to unplug your computer completely, including the power surge whenever it is lightning, so as not to kill a router, modem, or any other piece of valuable computer equipment.

This Tuesday, I had my training for Cirque and worked the next two days. At first, it seemed like a ton of information thrown at you, but once you actually see the show, it is much easier to figure out when/where you are supposed to be/do things. Being on the set, and waiting for the show to open is thrilling. There is a huge amount of adrenaline in the air. That and making sure everything goes as planned too. There is a ton of technicality involved, so one loose knot or cable could easily cause a disaster.

The show itself is wonderful. This is my first time to be up close and personal, and it is amazing what these artists can do. Thinking about the way those contortionists move just makes my body hurt! Unfortunately, Mother Nature has decided to take her course which has caused a lot of stress for the crew and less work for me. :-(

Some people wondered (my dad in particular) why I took this job. 1) I needed something. Sometimes, I think he expects me to be waiting by the phone for calls by potential employees. Yes, I have my phone on, but I'm not going to be sitting and waiting. 2) I thought this would be a great networking opportunity. Though I still consider myself to be a pretty reserved, quiet person, I pick up and observe a lot of information by listening. It's really interesting to see the different people there--all different ages and to learn a little of their "story." There is one older gentleman who I met at the last orientation at the temporary agency who always asks "how are you doing, kid?" His story is similar to many with the downturn of the economy--his position was cut. He really lost quite a lot of income from that. It's just simply sad. There is another older retired couple, and one girl who is a senior in high school. This is her first job.

I struck up a conversation with this girl. I feel awful, because I do not know here name, despite the fact we all have name badges! On Tuesday, she was very chatty since two of her friends were there, but the last two days, she was alone and much more quiet. I noticed she had a cheerleading jacket which she confirmed to me later. I mentioned to her I had been a cheerleader in highschool and had thought about trying out for my college team at one point.

The college I went to has an excellent competitive cheerleading team. They are well known and have won many competitions. She was definitely familiar with them, but what I found interesting was the first thing she asked me. She asked, "don't they have a height/weight requirement?" I couldn't verify this for sure, but I think it is more that they choose people on talent and who have similar body types/heights. I don't think there is an actual height/weight you have to be, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, there is another three weeks of shows with potential work. Your work schedule is based on your performance. If you do a good job, then you will get to work more. Currently, the only people who are working all six days are the people who are what is called "Cirque followers." They sign up to work with Cirque at their different sites, but they have to provide their own accommodations and other expenses.

I'll post more about Cirque, some Cirque facts, and other observations. I've heard the kitchen has some fantastic food, but we are only allowed in there on 2 show days. I'm interested in trying it out, but it's a bit pricey at $10/lb. I'll let you know if I do.

Now off to bed to wake up early for a group run. I have a feeling we'll be running in rain. :-(

The week in review

2011-04-13T12:50:00.001-04:00

For some reason, I feel like I've been MIA on here and in general online, well except, for facebook. :-P Actually since my last post, I've been a bit busy. Friday, I went to a day long dog seminar a few hours from here. It was about scent work and getting reliable behaviors. I've known the speaker for a few years now. It was really sweet, because when he saw me, he gave me a big hug! This seminar had both working and observer spots, and I had thought about bringing Tovah. However, my self doubts got in the way, and I thought she wouldn't be ready. She was actually right in the mix--some more experienced, others not. Oh well. I told the speaker I'd film myself and send it to him. I now have some stage fright though. :-/

The next day, I had an early morning run with the running group. We met with a few larger groups that day and had a kind of brunch afterwards. I was surprised to hear that some of my running buddies said their goal was to keep up with me. I am not that fast of a runner at all, and one girl had qualified for Boston a few years earlier. The run went well, but I made a few wrong turns and wound up running an extra 0.5 mile.

My mom and her husband were also here this weekend. They both enjoyed their time here and realized this was the first time in years that they fully got to spend time with me. Before, I was always working, so it was a nice change of pace.

The big things were shopping and setting up my Wii. My mother now has a new favorite consignment shop and shoe store. She had told me that we must visit these two stores whenever she visits. LOL

My mom's husband and I played Wii Bowling which was fun. I won one game, he won the other. I also tried my hand at the sword fighting game, the frisbee game, and the table tennis one. Sword fighting made me incredibly sore for the last two days, seriously! Frisbee, I am absolutely terrible at. It is obvious I could never have a frisbee catching dog, because I cannot throw frisbees. Table tennis, I wasn't too bad at. The archery one should be interesting.

Now, the other big adventure was that the dogs alerted me to something underneath the deck on Saturday night. Well, it looked to be a raccoon. They shooed it away to the shed at one point, then yesterday, it was found in the metal dog house. I was sort of amazed, because I had let Tovah out a few times and she did not bother it, thought she knew it was there. Hank, on the other hand, barked at it.

This raccoon appeared to be about 7 years old.

The raccoon was not too happy to be in there.

The trapper guy came yesterday to remove it. It looked like it was nesting. However, today, he said it might have had a disease as some of her organs/wounds looked to be rotting. She had an open wound on her neck from something. The trapper also said it looked liked she may have been shot. It was likely that she would have only lived a week anyway. So though I felt badly for her, I am glad it is gone for the dogs' sake. Raccoons can be vicious, and if they are sick, just their saliva alone can infect the other animal.

My mom and her husband are now gone, but my dad may be coming this weekend now. So no real down time if he decides to come. I'm waiting to hear about the temp job. I do not mind being flexible but I want to know for sure if I am doing this job or not. The hiring manager said not everyone would get the job. This would be a bit of a shame as I now have a lot of black professional looking clothes--most gotten at consignment shops.

So that's what I've been up to for the last week. Hope everyone else's week is off to a good start.

Sad random thoughts

2011-04-07T11:52:00.001-04:00

Every so often, I do a google search on a specific name. It is the name of the veterinarian at UMN who treated Baxter in his gene therapy trial. Truly, I am interested in this study (not a stalker by any means), and it sounds like things have taken off as there is now human recruitment beginning for a human protocol. It is exciting since gliomas are devastating in both the human and canine populations.

Besides her name, usually there are also pet owners who start blogs, write articles, etc. about their beloved animals and their journey through this study process--surgery, gene therapy, vaccine therapy. The stories are all happy, hopeful, grateful, remarkable stories of how well their dogs are doing. Then, there becomes a dichotomous feeling of both elation that the trials have been successful, but also still a tremendously sad feeling, knowing my dog didn't make it at all. And really seemed like he wasn't even given a chance as he passed away a month and 4 days after his surgery.

Sometimes, I ask myself why I even do the search if I am only left feeling sad afterwards. It's not an often occurrence, and I do think about e-mailing the veterinarian and will likely do so soon anyway. By some bizarre reason, my father keeps thinking she might have a job for me. I seriously have no idea where he gets this. Plus, she is in MN where it is ever so cold with horrible, brutal winters, and I'm in no position to move either.

Anyway, this was just some random thought today. I still need to do Baxter's video. It's on my eversogrowing list of things to do.

Following your gut instincts

2011-04-05T11:43:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, I posted about a new match guy, the amusement park guy, who revealed a lot early on. I had reservations about him and both my gut instincts and deductive reasoning proved right in this instance. It's not even about being right, but rather that I'm following my gut instinct which tells me he is not dating material at this time. Essentially, he is not over his ex-wife.

Yesterday, I sent him an e-mail just asking how his weekend was, how his son's birthday party was, etc. I am tempted to post the whole e-mail but will instead post only part of it and fill in the gaps.

I should have given up hope long, long ago and I am torturing myself emotionally hoping and praying that she will change...she refused to have dinner with [son] and me on his actual birthday to have "boundaries" with me. I cooked, cleaned, worked, paid bills, shopped, bought her flowers, and adored her...She knows that I never stopped loving her and I begged time and time again for reconciliation... And I would do anything in the world to have my family back, to have her back to the way she was...I cry about it a lot. I keep praying that she'll come back to me.

I think it is very apparent that he is not over his ex-wife at all and seems like he needs some counseling. I feel for the guy. They were together for 12 or so years, and then she changed or something, and decided she wasn't in love with him anymore. However, he is still in love with her. I guess I'm wondering why he went on a dating site if he was clearly not ready to move on. People are sympathetic, and I am highly so, however, if you are on a dating site, the idea is to get back on the bandwagon. Most women I know do not want to hear how you long for your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, etc. who has obviously moved on in this case.

It is no doubt we all come with our baggage (I have another post on that), but seriously, this is just too much. I'm in no doubt the type of person who solely wants someone's attention, but I most definitely do not want to be competing with an ex. So I'm not sure where to leave this one. Friends, acquaintances? It's a bit too bad, because he does have some nice qualities, but I'm not willing to wait for him to get over his ex-wife either. Hate to put it this way, but next.

Sudden busyness

2011-04-02T13:32:00.001-04:00

It is weird, I have not been that busy other than job stuff, but within the last two days, boom, it just got busy, a bit overwhelming, and complicated. Some of the stuff is just due to procrastination, like getting my taxes done. I am determined to do that this weekend. I have also put off watching some dvds that I've had for some time. However, since I'm going to a dog seminar next Friday, and the presenter is the one who is in the dvds, it would be helpful for me to watch them. The dvds accumulate to 12 hours, so it's a big chunk of time.

Those are the procrastination ones. Now, the other stuff just came out of the blue. I met with a temp agency this week for a position with Cirque du Soleil which is coming into town. Most of these jobs are hospitality type jobs which I honestly have no experience in, so I signed up for the one that seemed easy, straight forward, not a big problem--an usher. Though not glamorous by any means, it is something. It'll be for 2 1/2 weeks or so in mid-April to May. What I really thought would have been a fun job was to be a costume dresser, but I have zilcho sewing skills. I'd also be horribly afraid of screwing up a costume or something, so way too much pressure for me there. Still though, to be backstage, talking with the cast would have been so fun. In some ways, I hope this temporary job will be a way to network with others.

The downside of this is that I will have to buy more clothes. If you remember awhile back I had to buy khaki pants for work which I wound up not using since the dress code got changed to jeans. Although it is nice to have khaki pants for various occasions, I would have only bought 1 pair versus 3. The dress code for this temporary job is all black, including socks. I have 1 pair of black pants and a few black hose type socks, and that's it. Typically, I do not wear much black due to dog hair magnetism. Despite keeping lint brushes around, it is never possible to remove all the dog hair. And Tovah and Hank are blowing coat, so black is not a helpful color to be wearing.

Therefore, I will have to buy black pants, tops, and shoes (I have a pair of black, but they have a heel) by Wednesday's dress rehearsal. Really, I'm not looking forward to it. Not because of body image insecurities (yay me!), but rather because it takes a lot of time and money that I'd rather spend elsewhere. At least there are some decent outlets around here, so I'll be going there first.

The other issue is that I had already signed up for a specific dog seminar that will be in town in May. However, it coincides with the temporary job position. I think I've found a way to work this out, so I'm crossing my fingers it will work.

The rest is neverending with job stuff, laundry, cleaning, reading, working with the dogs, meeting with the running group, appointments with the dentist and dermatologist this month, etc. And for some reason, this entire week, I've had headaches which is really odd. Headaches are very atypical for me, so I'm hoping it is just a weather thing.

All in all though, I'd rather be somewhat busy than have nothing at all. But I do think I'm going to need to start scheduling myself better and getting up earlier. :sigh:

Hair be gone!

2011-03-30T12:15:00.005-04:00

I had been wanting a hair cut for awhile now. It had been about 2 1/2 years since my last hair cut. My hair was not quite as long--then, it was waist length. This time, it was just a little past my the middle of my back. I set up this appointment a few weeks ago with a new hairstylist recommended to me by a friend.

When I went in , I figured I'd probably do something similar to what I did last time--cut just below my shoulders. And then for whatever reason, I decided against that. I browsed some magazines, deciding on whether to stay with traditional Asian hair, straight as a board basically or to be a little funky. I chose the latter, but not so outrageously funky like some of the current Asian hip stars. At one point in my life, I was very big into highlights, because I was so tired of my boring, straight, dark brown/black hair. But eventually, I came back around and have since kept it the natural color it is.

So how much did I get cut? If you remember in this post, it was 14 inches.

This time, it was:

Really, I did not expect that, it just sort of happened that way. If you look at the linked post above, the new hair do is slightly below my chin which is drastically shorter. Actually, the shortest I've ever had! I'm not sure if I love it, but I don't hate it either. It's just different. Sadly, I will miss ponytails for awhile, but I know my hair grows fast naturally.

So far:

The pro are, there is swishiness and bounce, less maintenance, and less air drying time.

The cons are, I have major static and no more ponytails (well there is like a stub if you count that)

The jury is still out whether I actually look taller. I'll have to ask some people.

The one thing noticeably different this time around is that I don't have as much anguish over getting my hair cut as I have in the past. Maybe I'm finally letting go of my hair and identity thinking and embracing change.

Note--I was going to have my neighbor take a pic of me, but I got home late last night. If you are dying to know what it looks like, you can always e-mail me through my profile on here. I just have a policy of not posting pics of my face on here for semi-anonymity reasons

Brunch averted

2011-03-27T11:02:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the feedback on my last post. It is always nice to know that I am not the only one who just scurries out to avoid a meal/drink/happy hour event even when in recovery. I think the whole social thing is one that doesn't seem to be as discussed with eating disorders. But EDs are very isolating, so I think talking about our social anxieties is very important in recovery.

So everyone is wondering how did the run and brunch go? Well, run went well. I talked with a girl towards the end of our route. However, afterwards, many ducked out and left. I think part of this was because the e-mail that went out the night before, failed to mention the brunch, despite the organizer talking about it last weekend and on Wednesday. I stayed an additional 1 1/2 hours, chatting and waiting for the second group to come back. Realizing that no one else was staying, I left too.

Part of me thought, yeah, I did not have to worry about the challenge of eating essentially two breakfasts in a short period of time, but another part of me had already geared myself up for the experience. Oh well, until next time, right? One fun aspect was getting to know some of the other people, like their name, though apparently one guy does not tell many people his real name. The girl running with me asked someone else, and told her what it was. Thus, blowing the guy's cover. I haven't figured that one out yet, but he seems like a cool guy nonetheless, camos and all. (yes, he runs in camouflage pants; apparently last year he ran a marathon in combat boots and used to have duct taped running shoes until they convinced him to buy a real pair of running shoes)

On another note, many of them talked about the happy hour on Wednesday. Apparently, there were 11-12 of them, and they had a good time. It sucks my anxiety caused me to miss out on it, but no use in beating myself up over it. It's still relatively early in the year, and there will be other opportunities. Now, it's just me sticking to it and not backing out. It's easy to say afterwards that I will not back out and do this event, etc., but when push comes to shove, and you are in that moment, it can become a lot easier to make up an excuse, sad to say. Keep me on my toes, my friends. It's good accountability for us all.

How has your social anxiety hindered you? Have you found it has gotten easier in recovery? What is a social challenge you have overcome recently? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

A social miss

2011-03-24T11:59:00.001-04:00

I mentioned in a recent post about joining the local running group here. (this is not the one that I was originally going to join last year, this one is literally just 3.5 miles from my house) They meet twice a week--Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. The first Saturday I went was great. I immediately met a guy and just started talking to him throughout our run. However, on the next several occasions, I've pretty much run by myself. There have been people, but either people already pair off together or the group easily disperses. On my last Saturday run, I kind of thought, "well heck if no one is going to run with me (there were only a few who were actually running that specific mileage), then I could just be doing this by myself."

See, I think this is part of the problem. I tend to hold a bit of an idealistic hope of something, and then when it doesn't happen, I feel discouraged. What I had envisioned was that I would have a running buddy to talk to just about the entire time I was running or at least for half of it. I realize this is not everyone else's envision, however. And so, I need to change my view a bit.

I've come to the conclusion that the real social time seems to be the before and after party of a run. Last night, there was an invitation to go to a happy hour at a nearby pub. To me, this completely defeats the purpose of running in the first place. I mean why down yourself with alcohol after a good, hard run. Many would counter this argument with the fact that alcohol does have calories and carbohydrates, both of which your body needs after that much exertion. I've also heard some say that a good, cold beer after a run is simply just good. I guess I will never discover that, because I honestly have never acquired a taste for beer and have no desire to either. It would have to be a fru-fru drink laced with vodka and fruitiness to even be in the realm of my liking.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to go, knowing I could have just ordered an iced tea and I guess been "social." I mean this is partly why I joined this group. Tovah, by the way, has been a real hit, and they just love her. A few of them asked me if I was going to come, and I sort of made the excuse that I wouldn't be able to take Tovah with me (the place does have an outdoor cafe but it is not open yet), though it probably was cool enough to have left her in the car. The other fact was that I was really hungry and did not want to spend money on pub-fare--very typical of burgers, fries, etc.

I told my mom about this on the phone, and she seemed really upset that I didn't go. I think my parents still fear I isolate myself too much and want me to date, join groups, etc. I guess I'm feeling like if I complain that I have no social life, then I do need to make more effort to do these types of activities just to "be social" even if I may not completely enjoy them. But then another part of me counters that with, if it is not fun, then you essentially fulfill a self-prophecy--See you went to this event and it was no fun=social events aren't fun.

But here is where my counteracting self must talk. Okay, so I didn't go this event, but there will be another chance on Saturday after everyone's long run. I should go, because it might be fun, and I might get to know people better, and this is why you joined the running group.

Saturday, after out long run, we are invited for free massages and a breakfast/brunch at nearby cafe. It will certainly be cool enough (it dropped 30 degrees this morning) to leave Tovah in the car should I choose to bring her. So I'm going to try hard to keep the social event on my calendar. My only reservation is this may be like eating two breakfasts very close in time together, and that may feel a little uncomfortable. :-/

Spring, kids, and sweet gestures

2011-03-23T10:11:00.002-04:00

Spring is finally arriving here--crocuses and daffodils are blooming. And with spring, all the neighbors begin to come out from winter hibernation. One neighbor, I saw with a new dog who was apparently pulling her like a freight train to the edge of my yard. She's had the dog since Nov/Dec., and it is now 5 months old--my guess a Hound/Pointer X. This was the first time I actually met the woman since I moved here. She and her husband also have a Boxer who I have met a few times since he got out of his yard to come visit my dogs.

The kids on the other side of me are out more as well. Since I've been home in the evening, I often see them out when they have finished their homework. I've never considered myself a "kid" person per se, but many people do say I do well with kids. I remember when I first looked at this house, the grandmother was here taking care of her grandchildren. One child who was 2 1/2 or so used to lead me around, showed me his room, his toys, etc. On one occasion, he even wanted me to sit and watch a dvd with him. The grandmother asked me if I had kids. I said no, only dogs. She was surprised, saying that I seemed so good with them.

Now, the kids beside me took to talking to me quickly. But the thing that I love about these particular kids are they are such nice, pleasant children to be around. They love to come out when they see me with the dogs. Whenever their friends come over, they are quick to point out all the dogs' names, that Daphne is deaf, so she can't hear you, etc. They love watching the dogs run and get the ball. They try calling the dogs--"To-bah, Hankie come here" and getting them to do tricks. The dogs are not always as responsive as I'd like, but it's mostly because they haven't had enough other people ask them things. Plus, there is a fence between us, so that makes it a little more difficult. Although yesterday, they loved the fact that they got to use the chuck-it to throw the ball for the dogs. They each took turns, giggling after each throw, and had a ball of a time. Luckily, Tovah was a little tired by then, so she brought the ball back to me better. LOL

Besides knowing all about the dogs, these kids are also social. They tell me about their days at school, facts they've learned, their likes, their dislikes, and other miscellaneous things. They even show me cheerleading cheers they've learned and ask me all kinds of questions. It's so sweet.

The other day, E., the second youngest, ran inside and got hostess cupcakes for their afternoon snacks. E. hands me one.

Me: Why don't you keep it for yourself and save it for later?
E: Still holding out the cupcake.
Me: Do you want me to have it?
E: Nods her head yes.
Me: Are you sure:
E: Nods her head.
Me: Okay, I'll take it then. Thank you.
E: You're welcome. This was said to the best I could tell. Her enunciation is still not quite there.

It was one of those moments where I thought, how could I not take this even if I am not a big Hostess cupcake eater? She is graciously offering it to me. Now, of course, her mom may have told her to give this to me. But whatever the case, it was sweet and nice of them to think about me. And I actually liked that they had a Hostess cupcake rather than just an apple or something. It's good to be healthy of course, but it's good to have balance too.

You can check out other posts about these children here, here, and here.

It's good to reveal a lot early on, right?

2011-03-21T12:02:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure how much people are keeping up with my love life, but I'm going to go ahead and post anyway about a recent match. There are actually two, but I've only met one in person.

We had a second date this weekend. Just a simple dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. Here's what he has expressed to me:

On mental health:

I: I have anxiety and am on medication.

Me: Well, that's okay. We all have our own issues.

On dogs:

I: I have anxiety about dogs, especially large ones. I'm okay with puppies and small dogs.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know that. Many people have anxiety about dogs. Were you ever bitten as a child? (I ask because many are)

I: No, but I was close to it.
Needless to say, talking about dog bites didn't go over so well. And I kind of find it ironic that he is okay with small dogs, because statistically speaking, they have the most bites. It's just that they often go unreported. I have heard of a yorkie biting a hand that required, stitches, surgery, and physical therapy.

On the types of women he likes:

I: I never would have said I had a certain type of woman I liked/was attracted to. But then, after my divorce (I think he has been divorced a year or so), I realized I was attracted to Asian women. (his ex-wife is Japanese) I guess it's like not knowing what you have until you lose it. (btw, he was not the one to file for divorce) So, I tend to choose women who look like my ex-wife.

Me: Well, it kind of makes sense. You were with her for a long time.
Really, in the back of my head, I was wondering, does this mean he chooses women who are Asian because his ex-wife was Asian. Or does this mean he chooses women who specifically look like his ex-wife?

I: But the weird thing is, if I was dating a Caucasian woman, I would want her to be big.

Me: Maybe that's the Italian in you.

I:Yes, it could be. Italian men like their women to be large.
I found this a bit strange, but I guess could make sense. It raises an interesting point about ethnicity.

On body image:

I: I worry about my weight.

Me: Why?

I: Because both my parents and sibling are obese. I'm afraid of becoming that way.

Me: Well, I don't think you have that much to worry about. You are a small guy.

He's like 5'5 and something like 145-150 lbs, so not big at all for a guy!

We talked about some other things too, these were just the ones that stuck out to me. Though it's not like I look for what is wrong about a date, but certain red flags do pop up. It is good to reveal some of this stuff early on, but at the same time too, you don't want them to be turns off though either. Obviously, the dog issue is good that it came up so early since I have 3 large dogs but was surprised about bringing up the anxiety and body image issue. Hmm, I guess, I'll just have to see where this goes.

Happy St. Patty's Day

2011-03-17T15:45:00.002-04:00

First off, are we all wearing green? Normally, I'd have the dogs in some green gear, but I stopped myself short of that this year. I figured with Easter around the corner and trying something new, I didn't want to harass them too much.

Anyway, Happy St. Patty's Day

Here's a nice little Irish blessing about friends.

Image

A Wish for a Friend

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

I hope everyone has friends, rainbows, and sunlight in their lives!

Upcoming posts and other thoughts

2011-03-17T15:13:00.002-04:00

I know everyone does not want to hear about job stuff other than I am still at it with resumes, registering at temporary agencies, etc. However, I did run across this article which I think may be relevant to some of you who are also searching. Basically, it is says that even though we may be desperate for a job, a bad job could be worse for you mentally than being unemployed. Just something to consider.

I have to admit, I have good and bad days with this whole no work situation. I really have to fight the "rejected" feeling and the "I'm not a loser" mantra. Hence, I think this is why productivity feels more emphasized. There are some days I feel like I am so productive, but then there are other days, I feel like I get nothing accomplished. Then, the day feels wasted.

However, I haven't felt the latter of that too much this week.

How have I been productive this week so far?

* Sent out more resumes (I am currently waiting to hear from 5-6 potential employers)

* Registered with a temporary agency

* Have been working with the dogs and bunny on new tricks related to Easter. I have a photo in
mind, but we'll see if it will really happen.

* Bathed Tovah--she is itchy unfortunately

*Got my glasses fixed. A nose pad fell off. I tried gluing it but it did not work. The cover of one
arm has beencracked too for awhile. It was being held by scotch tape. The lady was nice and
put 2 new nose pads and 2 arm covers on my glasses.

* Got new windshield wipers. Mine were falling apart.

Now, things to look forward to:

* Dog show! I'm going on Friday and Sunday morning to see the Boxers and some competition
obedience andmaybe rally. I'm taking the opportunity, because I rarely get to go and actually
see what I want. A local person here is also going on Sunday, so we may meet up at some point.

* Running group on Saturday morning. I missed yesterday's session due to not being able to read
the clock correctly.

* Possible a date with match guy. We'll call him the writer. (I actually have 2 prospects, the other
is an hour away though--we've talked on the phone a few times-also a runner)

* Next week, some cadaver work with Tovah. After e-mailing another well known trainer, I
realized I may need to slow down a little, but I am very curious to see how Tovah reacts to a
cadaver scent.

* Upcoming dog seminars that are nearby in April and May.

* Hair cut appt. at the end of the month. I haven't cut my hair since this post. And yes, it is just
about that long now again.

Now, things you have to look forward to in some following posts:

* Book reviews. I'll be reviewing:

Beating Your Eating Disorder: A Cognitive-Behavioral Self-Help Guide for Adult Sufferers and their Carers by authors Waller, Mountford, Lawson, Gray, Cordery, and Hinrichsen

Give Food a Chance by author Julie O'Toole.

Both are two I have wanted to read, so this is a great opportunity. Some other books which are on my stack are Unbearable Lightness; Women, Food, and God; Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, and other dog training related books and dvds. I realize these are not new books, and I've been quite negligent on my book reading, so I am trying to take this time to get back into the groove of reading.

With all of that said, how is everyone's weekend shaping up? What do you have to look forward to?

Taste revisited

2011-03-17T11:32:00.001-04:00

Awhile back, I posted about how taste can be impacted with recovery. This is to say that anedoctally, taste seems to come back when you are in recovery as opposed to when you are actively in your ED.

The other day, I was listening to a fascinating podcast by All in the Mind about Taste. For instance, did you know that we are all actually born liking sweet and hating bitter? As Linda Bartoshuk, director of Human Research at the Smell and Taste Center at the University of Florida, says:

You love high fat, high sweet, high salt we all do, we're born loving that. Those are incredible survival tactics -- that gives you calorie sugar, gives your brain salt an important macro-mineral for brain and muscle function..

But of course as time gos by, we learn other tastes like bitter and sour. We learn to smell which invariably affects our tastes. And then, there is the culture and emotional components that affect our tastes.

During the show, Linda talked about supertasters. So what are supertasters? They are people who have more taste buds or fungiform paillae. These people experience double the intensity as other people in regards to taste and are more sensitive to pain on their tongues. These people also have difficulty with the taste of bitter.

What does this have to do with eating disorders? Well, it got me thinking. What if you were actually a supertaster prior to your ED. Then, your ED suppressed your taste buds since your brain made food non-rewarding, and you could simply no longer recognize taste. There was a study about how taste is different for those with anorexia which provided evidence of the difference between those with AN and those who did not. Yes, this study was done with recovered anorexics. However, it still makes me wonder whether taste can fully come back in recovery--not necessarily as the rewarding factor per se but the intensity/sensitivity factor.

Does taste seem more intense in recovery? Are foods you once thought of as sweet not so sweet or sweeter? Are foods that were once sour more or less so? And how about the taste of salt, fat, and bitter?

Maybe, this would be a good experiment in a bit of intuitive eating which is partly about slowing down, eating the food and asking yourself how it tastes among other things.